Lost and Found

So it's been over a month since I have written. I needed to take a break and do some introspection...it's been a good few weeks and I feel uplifted. There are a lot of things in my life that I am working on right now, my weight and health being only one of them. I have always struggled a great deal with anxiety and nervousness, and the past year or so it has really come to a head. The severity of the feelings I get isn't something that I can fully explain unless you've experienced it yourself, so I'll just leave it at that. But I've been really working on this and I'm feeling positive. Tonight I actually felt the urge to sit back down at my keyboard and write something. So here I am!

I've been back on board the health train for a few weeks now after having tumbled off in a fit of binges and lack of self-control. I'm down 10 pounds, currently at 234.2 (My new starting weight was 244.2 when I got back on track). I actually haven't really been following a plan, I've just been eating healthier and eating less, as well as exercising whenever I get the chance. The last week or two have actually been pretty difficult...Jeff and I went out for Fathers Day to a fancy dinner and I think that became a little bump in the road for me, and I haven't been AS steadfast since. But I'm still at it:)

Friday I went to pick up Ian from my parent's house and mom and I ended up taking a video on her camera of Ian laughing (it was pretty hysterical...he was cracking up!). I was holding him while mom filmed, and when I watched it back, I was mortified. I can't even believe I look the way that I do. Since I've lost 10 pounds, I've been feeling pretty good, I am even wearing a pair of capris I haven't worn since before I got pregnant. But then I see a video of myself like this and it blows me away. Sometimes I think that this challenge is just too big, that it's not possible for me to be thin again. Even NORMAL again. 10 pounds is great, but when you have 100 to lose, it's a drop in the bucket, and it's very easy to get overwhelmed.

My brother-in-law is the family genealogist and photo archiver. Today he sent me a ton of emails full of old pics of the family, including some of me during the first few years that Jeff and I were dating (we will have been together 13 years this December!). I love looking at old pics, it's one of my favorite things. But sometimes it's really hard. I see the person I used to be and it just kills me inside. Here's the one that really got to me today.....

Yea, it's a goofy shot, I'm a dork, I know. But I love this picture. I was a happy, fun and beautiful (it's my blog and I'll toot my horn if I want to;) girl. I long to be this person again... When I find pictures like this it makes me so sad...to think about what I have done to myself over the last ten years just rips me apart (yes, I am aware that I did this to myself, that it's no ones fault but my own, but that doesn't change how it makes me feel). I sometimes even fantasize about what drastic thing I would do or what I would sacrifice to look like that again. And often I cry. I just can't help it...to see that person, who I used to be, letting that person slip away is my biggest regret in life. Really, it's probably my only true regret.

But I am going to chose not to do those things this time. I am not going to daydream about the amount of money I would pay to look like that again, and I'm not going to imagine the bargain I could offer. I'm not going to dwell on how wonderful I felt back then, I'm not going to curse myself for losing control. And I'm not going to cry. Instead I am going to find her. She is here, somewhere. Sometimes we talk, sometimes after a long workout I feel her here again, telling me that I can do it, I can keep this up. Once and awhile after a few good days of eating really healthily, I hear her whispering little thoughts in my head, positive little ideas that tell me I can succeed at this. It's in moments like those that I know she's not lost forever. She is waiting for me, I just have to keep working at this, keep looking, and I'll find her.

on a break

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. ~ Anais Nin

Coming out of the dark

Things have been a little better the past few days. I can't really put my finger on it, can't explain exactly what has changed but I feel like things are looking up. Or at least my outlook is. I have been praying a lot and I have a lot of amazing fantastic friends that are praying for me and thinking about me and it's really making a difference. I still am fighting those feelings but I just keep rebuking it all and telling myself I will get through this and that it is going to be ok. And deep down, even on tough days, I know it will.

It really is true that ultimately my weight weighs heaviest (haha didn't even mean to be funny) on my heart. It effects all aspects of my life and others lives around me as well (mainly Ian and Jeff). Every action I take in my life I am reminded of how out of control I have become, how I have slipped into laziness and gluttony (there's really no denying that that's what it is). I pick up Ian, I am out of breath. I bend over to pick things up and it's hard to breath...hell, today I dropped my sunglasses in my bosses office as I was saying goodbye for the day and humiliated myself just scooping them up off the ground. Jeff and I go on a walk and I get winded one time around the block and my back aches. The list could do on and on. I've made a list of 100 reasons I want/need to lose weight. There are a million more but yet here I am. Please don't take this as whining, I'm simply writing, simply expressing my thoughts and feelings. Why is it that when (most) people become this way they stay this way? A huge percentage of the world is obese or morbidly so (don't know the numbers, don't really care). Do we like being like this? Do we enjoy feeling totally uncomfortable in every situation and do we love feeling like a huge spotlight is on us wherever we go? Of course not. And yet we remain this way. I've already written about the addiction aspects of it all. Is that the root of it? Or is there a underlying fundamental weakness in us all that keeps us from succeeding? There are overweight CEOs, missionaries, millionaires, charity organizers, wonderful parents, teachers, nurses, etc. etc.. Obviously these people aren't lazy. They aren't slobs who have no willpower or desire to commit to anything, which is exactly the stigma that overweight people have. So what is it? I mean, the reasons I listed above are bad enough, but we all know what risks there are for being overweight when it comes to cancers, heart disease, etc. and yet even THAT isn't motivating enough. I have a son who depends on me for EVERYTHING and who I love more than I can even put into words...and yet I am failing at this. So it's perplexing. I'm not making excuses for myself or releasing myself from responsibility of becoming and staying this way, I am just wondering, what is my problem??? What is it going to take?

A New Day

So I'm feeling a bit better today. The last day or so have been nice, I've gotten to spend some time with Ian, time with my mom, and some with Jeff too. I've gotten a chance to talk with a couple good friends (I am so thankful for my awesome friends) and I've spent a lot of time thinking and praying. I read a friend's blog that really spoke to me (check out http://stepintofold.blogspot.com - so awesome). I also was able to sit down with Jeff and we had a little heart to heart...I shared a lot of the things that I've been feeling lately and I feel really positive about all of this.

I was telling a friend today that I would like to be able to write "there's no where to go from here but up!". But then I think, yes there is. You can wallow around at the bottom for a long time before you figure out where to go or what to do. I think someone can hit rock bottom and just be stagnant...just lie there and wonder what the hell happened and how they got there. The question for myself is how long am I going to lie here? How long am I going to hate myself and pity my life and what I've made (or haven't made) of it? It's MY choice to either rise up and climb out or to remain in this place. This dark, accusatory, shitty place, this place that is sucking the life out of me. And today I feel like I might be moving towards taking the first step up.

Landslide

There is so much I need to share/confess/vent/ brainstorm/lament/process that this entire post is really just going to be a ridiculously LONG page of word vomit. I'm just warning you now, so proceed at your own risk.

The past few weeks I feel like I have hit rock bottom in my life. I have had some pretty low moments through the years (who hasn't) but looking back nothing really can compare to how I have felt in the past couple of weeks. I usually have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to blog about before I sit down at the computer, but tonight I've been sitting here for a half hour and still don't know where to begin. All I know is that I need to write. I need to release it, let it all out.

I have been feeling pretty much worthless. I have been fighting these thoughts in my mind about how awful a person I've become, what an awful wife, mother, what an awful WOMAN I have become. Fighting thoughts about how fat I am, how unloving, how hot-tempered and judgemental I am. How I never pay enough attention to Ian or to Jeff, how I have completely let myself go and have turned into the ugliest person I could ever imagine...how I have let my marriage slid down the tubes, how I blow up at every little thing that happens in my life. I've had these awful thoughts about how I had planned to be this wonderful mother and I feel like I am nothing like what I wanted to be like-that I am failing miserably- that my son would be better off with anyone but me as his mom - at least he'd have someone that was happy to love him. And as much as my marriage has been struggling and as frustrated as I am with Jeff for certain things, I also have been fighting thoughts that HE deserves a much better wife, one that isn't fat and ugly...he deserves the woman he married and I am not her. I haven't been able to stand my reflection in the mirror, haven't been able to stand mySELF...I've tried to be cheery and loving around Ian and give him all the love and hugs and attention like I always have but I am terrified he can feel my unease, my sadness inside, my almost hatred for myself. And even more terrifying, the thought that my quick temper to yell or give the silent treatment to Jeff when I'm upset (lately it seems he could sigh too loudly and anger me beyond belief) will plant that seed of nervousness in my son, make him think his parents don't love each other, make him have THAT feeling...which I have always SWORE I will NEVER do.

This has been a constant feeling for me the last few weeks. I've cried a lot, I've had days better than others, but every day I've thought, man, what a piece of work you've become. And I can't really explain where this comes from. There wasn't some big event that spurred this, no apocalyptic epiphany that threw me into this downward spiral, nothing like that. I think it was just a compilation of things...I got off track with my eating which caused me to gain back the weight I lost before. I am still struggling with being a new mom...it is NOT easy being a parent...it is challenging every single day and totally exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally (yet I would never ever change it- my son is God's greatest gift to me, my true joy). My marriage is strained; Jeff is working so hard to finally be done with residency and I am so grateful and so proud of him; but it's hard for both of us with his schedule and a new baby...I can't do everything that needs to be done for Ian along with keeping the house and we battle on responsibilities. Those three things...my marriage, my motherhood, and my health - they weigh heavy on your heart and mind when they aren't as they should be. So I've struggled the past few months, trying to lose the weight, trying to figure out how to be the perfect mother, trying to be a good wife...and I haven't been really great (or great at ALL in some cases) at any of them. I slip a little here, a little more there, until I'm on a landslide and I've hit the bottom.

So where to go from here? Just typing it all helps...getting it down, this confession, this release, it helps and feels good. I finally shared this struggle with my church group the other night and it was something I should have done a long time ago. My faith is strong...I love God with all my heart and I know I am His child...I was made in His image and He loves me and doesn't see all these awful things I see in myself. I have allowed myself to fall into this pit by not rebuking this attack. And yet while I feel so pitiful and so worthless, it does comfort me to know I am in His lap, and that God is sad too when I am struggling so. My problem with all this, all that is happening in my life right now, is that I feel like I don't know where to begin to pray for help...it's so big, such a huge obstacle that I don't know where I am supposed to start to make it better. So I just pray that God would show me where to begin to fix my life. I pray for God to help me see myself the way that He sees me. I've struggled and cried and been so frustrated the past few weeks because I just don't see a way out, a fix to all this. But truly, this is the only out...I cannot live hating myself. I may be stuck in this terrible body for now, I may take awhile to 'get' the parenting thing, and I may struggle with being a perfect (ok, even a good) wife, but deep down I know, and I just have to keep reminding myself of this and praying for this, I know that I CAN shed this shell of myself and be healthy again, be the person I am supposed to be. I love my son in a way words can't give justice too and I know that THAT will make me a good mother in the end. And I know that Jeff and I have been together for almost 13 years now and we ARE infinitely devoted to each other, that in the end no struggle can overcome us. These things I know are true. Someday I will look back at this period of my life and be so proud that I made it through the way that I did. It's just so hard right now because unfortunately someday isn't today, and tomorrow won't be either. All I can do is pray that maybe it will be a start.

Heaviness

I've been sitting here for 45 minutes trying to figure out how to start this entry tonight. There are a number of things that have been weighing heavily on my heart the past few weeks and I just want to share them here...just to vent, to spread awareness and to elicit prayers for anyone out there who may feel compelled.

As some of you are already aware, or may be able to tell from my blog list, I follow a blog called Matt, Liz & Madeline (http://www.mattlogelin.com) and it is AWESOME. I discovered this blog when I was pregnant last summer and spent four hours straight reading it, learning all about (obviously) Matt, Liz and Madeline. I've followed it nearly every day since. I encourage you to check out this site, but long story short, Matt is a widower, who's wife (Liz) died 27 hours after giving birth to their first child (Madeline). He is a truly amazing man and father, and has dealt with his loss and challenge of being a single father to a newborn with strength and a ridiculous amount of courage. His blog makes me smile, laugh uncontrollably (he is completely hysterical) and sob like a baby. To top it off he has started The Liz Logelin Foundation which collects donations to help support other families who face crisis like his. He is awesome. If you haven't checked out his blog you need to.

Wow, got a little off track there. So I was checking in on Matt's blog about a week ago when he posted an entry about a friend of his. A woman named Heather. A woman who just lost her child. Her 1 1/2 year old little girl, also named Madeline, or Maddie as they call her. Heather has a blog too at http://www.remembermaddie.com and when I read this on Matt's page I went and read about Maddie. And it totally ripped my heart out. It's a really long story, but basically Maddie was very premature when she was born and has had to live with various lung problems and other issues (it's all on the site) but a couple weeks ago, out of nowhere she came down with a fast-acting lung infection and she died. She freaking died. I am starting to cry typing this as I have many times in the past few weeks thinking of her and Heather and Maddie's dad, Mike. Please read the blog...this is an astounding family and my heart is aching for them. Saturday the 25th they had been preparing for the March of Dimes 5K; their goal was to raise $3000....the total ended up being over $50,000. Heather also did a speech at the walk (also on her page) that was one of the most courageous and heart-wrenching things I've ever read. I read page after page of her entries, and I just sit here totally and completely helpless. I donated money to the cause, but really, that didn't quench the need I feel right now to help...and yet I have no idea how. I could email her, and tell her I'm praying for them and that my heart goes out to them, but it would only be one of thousands who've done it before me...and does that really help? I have been a prayer warrior for her and the family, and shed tears almost every day since I read it but the helpless feeling lingers. So I'm putting this out here for everyone to read...please check out her site, if you have the means to donate to the March of Dimes, please do.

There is actually a couple other things on my mind I want to share but it's getting late and I don't want this to be too long so I will save it for next time. One thing I do want to mention is a 10K walk I am doing this Sunday at Goodale Park. It's the Great Strides walk for Cystic Fibrosis and I am so excited to be participating. My co-worker and friend, Melissa, has a 9 month old little girl named Lauren who was diagnosed with CF right after she was born. She is adorable, sweet, funny and so full of personality and it tears me up when I think about how she is sick. Not too many people know about CF, but it is a lung disease that is very serious and it does not have a cure at this time. (Check out http://www.cff.org if you want more info). Melissa has AMAZED me with the way she has handled Lauren's diagnosis. Ian and Lauren are 2 months apart, so obviously we shared our pregnancy experiences together, and now that we both have infants, we share our stories and frustrations as new moms all the time:) But Melissa has to deal with much more than I could ever imagine; there are so many breathing treatments, meds, enzymes, special feeding schedules etc. that she has to juggle. Worst is the emotional aspect...knowing Lauren's prognosis breaks my heart to pieces...to see Melissa cry sometimes knowing that the odds are she will most likely outlive her daughter just makes me ache for her. She is so strong, she has been from the very beginning and it blows me away. I think of Ian, if it were him, and I feel nauseous by the idea, I can't even imagine what I would do if it were a reality. And yet for Melissa it IS a reality. It is her life and she has to deal with knowing the truth each and every day when she looks at her daughter.

So we are doing the walk...as the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation says...they want to make CF stand for Cure Found. I'm trying to do my part, however little it may be. Please think of us on Sunday...if anyone is interested and want to donate my page is http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/MichelleHawley or you can just go to the CF page above and go to "Great Strides" and enter my name as a walker. Melissa has thrown herself into this cause, and I am so proud of her, not only for this walk but for the way she has handled the whole situation that is her life. She says a lot "Life is 10% what you're given and 90% how you react to it". I pray for that attitude. So we're walking and I'm praying and praying. God weeps with us when these things happen...He carries us.

Thanks for reading:)

When you're ready to be done with this....you'll be done

Confession time. I have fallen, yet again, off the wagon. I've been struggling SO bad I can't even stand it, and to be honest, I've been dreading posting on here as I am embarrassed and was not looking forward to sharing my failure with everyone (it's always easier to deny you're screwing up when no one knows about it!;) But then I had a little discussion with myself and realized that this blog is ABOUT sharing my failure:) And my successes too of course, but we can't succeed all the time...journeys have hills and valleys and you don't get to the destination without enduring it all along the way. So here I am...a few pounds heavier but here nonetheless.

Have had some really good conversations with a couple awesome friends in the past few days and have gained some serious wisdom. Today I was hanging out with one of my best friends- she has struggled with some of the same issues as me. She has always been unbelievably supportive of me (as are so many of my friends...I am so blessed!!!) and we had a conversation about this whole struggle I've been having. She told me about a situation in her life she was struggling through and someone told her "When you're ready to be done with this...you'll be done with it". I've been letting those words sink in the past few hours. Can it be that I just have not been "ready" to be done with this weight battle? The gut instinct is for one to say, of course I am ready to be done with it! Can't you see how frustrated I am? But truly, maybe I haven't been ready. Yes, there is genetics, yes there is my thyroid condition, and the addiction of food, but really, when you truly are ready to be done with it, you'll be done. We've all read the articles in the magazines where someone lost half their body weight; one day they just woke up, found the strength within themselves, and decided that they were done with being fat. My friend is at that place now and she is doing so wonderful losing weight...I think this is true..you can have all the obstacles in the world, the deck stacked totally against you, but if you decide it's time, nothing has the power to stop you..there are no excuses.

Another conversation I had was with someone I also look up to so much...he has lost almost 100 pounds...it is truly inspiring. It's been a long process, he has changed all his habits...stopped drinking soda, started packing lunch, stopped eating fast food, etc. etc. and he looks incredible. He's one of my best friends and has always been there to listen to me (usually to listen to me bitch about something or other ;) This topic came up...his success totally inspires me and I was asking for his insight. He made a lot of good suggestions, but one thing he said really stuck out to me. I was whining about all the crappy ways that my weight effects my life and when I was done, he said (in a nice way), if it makes you so miserable you would think that that would give you the drive to do something about it. It's so true...I hate how I feel, I hate how I look, I have no clothes that fit, I am constantly embarrassed of myself, the list goes on and on, and yet, I haven't made any long-term changes or eliminated any of my bad habits. So what do I expect? I will continue to be miserable if I don't change. I have no excuses..I am this way because I allowed myself to become this way, and I remain in this state because I have made no long-term life changes. That's all there is to it. When I am ready to be done with this, I will be done. I will wake up in the morning, find within myself the strength and willpower that I need, and be done with being fat. I pray that morning is tomorrow.

Dopamine is a Bitch

Yesterday I got back on track hardcore. As I mentioned I had been really off course and struggling but yesterday I got my butt in gear. Food wise I have been great, making good choices and staying in control. But mentally I am going nuts! I have been thinking about food pretty much every hour all day for the last two days. It's so awful when you get off plan because it is SO difficult to get that motivation back. Your cravings come back, your body forgets how good it feels eating so healthy and not being stuffed, and all the power and control you felt making those good choices goes flying out the window. And it takes days to get that back. It's called ADDICTION.

Dopamine is a bitch. Food addiction is all about science (ok, I won't say it's all about science, because obviously we have free will and as hard as it is we CAN chose to NOT eat bad food...but science plays a big big part). Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain that plays a big role in all kinds of different behaviors. In many cases it makes you feel good, gives you feelings of pleasure and satisfaction, and who wouldn't want that?? So we grow to desire those feelings more and more. And guess what folks? Food releases dopamine. This is food addiction...this is why we crave food, this is why I have thought about it all day for two days. This is why I am going NUTS! :) We eat, the food releases dopamine, it makes us feel good, so we want to eat more to keep feeling good. It's a vicious circle.

I was thinking about this the other day. My "circle" goes like this. I make a plan to start getting on track; I think "tomorrow, I'm going to start this and I am going to DO it!!". So I eat whatever I want that day, I give myself a treat the night before because "it's my last chance" before I get really serious. So that night I'm feeling awesome, I'm so pumped and motivated and I have all these grand plans of how I'm going to be perfect and lose so much weight, yada yada yada. Then the next morning I get up and I might do okay for a few hours, or even for most of the day, but my mind is always on food, it's always thinking about when the next meal is or what I could have on this 'diet'. And (obviously) more times than not, I end up blowing it and I give in and eat something I shouldn't...even binge at times. The night before is almost like a high for me...and then the next day when I'm limiting what I'm eating (translation: eating like a normal person) my body is like, whoa, where is all that awesome food you've been giving me? I am craving that pleasure, those effects of the dopamine...that satisfaction. It's an addiction, and the first day of eating healthy and normal is like being in withdrawal. It's all you think about. And all that can help is time. Eventually you adapt to the new levels, the new intake, and little by little you feel better, and what you do eat makes you feel good and you get that motivation through your healthy choices. But the first few days aren't fun. There is noone in this world that could ever convince me that people can't be an addicted to food. And I am an addict, no doubt.

Here's to kicking the habit.

Praying for Patience

This was a rough weekend. I don't know if it's just lack of sleep or what (I've been staying up too late watching TV!!) but my patience has been pretty much non-existent the last couple of days. I went to the mall yesterday and then again today and pretty much felt both days like punching someone in the neck. It was just a frustrating weekend...Ian got fussy always at the exact wrong time, lines were way too long (it took me 25 minutes at Sears to get someone to help me just to pick up Ian's pictures, and then 20 more minutes waiting in the line at Lane Bryant and there was only one person in front of me!- I know it seems like I'm being whiny...but YOU handle a 6 mo. old fussy baby and see how fun it is!), I feel exhausted and I just can't get energized, and overall I just feel like I didn't accomplish anything. Rarely do I drink but man, I felt like hammering down something today! And yesterday I had a fleeting thought of bumming a cigarette off some kids at the mall that were smoking outside...and I don't smoke!!! :) So yea, one of those weekends. OH! And even more fun, I bought 3 cute shirts at Lane Bryant that were just adorable but I didn't try them on because I had Ian and I was trying to rush. Normally I wear their 18/20's easily, and I can do some 14/16's, depending on the fit. So I got all 14/16's for these shirts because 1) they looked pretty big 2) I can fit that size most of the time anyway and 3) if they were a little snug I thought it would be good motivation for me to try to get into them as soon as possible. So I tried them on when I got home and they are so tight I'll be lucky to wear them in the next 3 months!! Of course the ONE time I don't try them on they are a weird material that hugs and they look like total crap on me. Tomorrow I will just view it as good motivation, but tonight please bear with me while I'm bitter. Blah.

So I am praying for patience. Mom mentioned to me on Saturday that I should be more patient when I was at near meltdown at the mall (yes, me, not Ian). And really, she's right. I have to realize that life is too complicated and too amazing and there is too much to worry about and too much to enjoy to be so impatient and stressed all the time. I don't WANT to be so high-strung, stressed out, and out of control! I want to be calm and together, I want to be optimistic and positive instead of reacting to every little 'crisis' as if it's the end of the world. I don't want to be lovingly described as 'neurotic' or 'type A' (ok, so that may never stop-you can't get everything you want;) And this goes for my weight loss journey as well...I am so impatient...if I have one good week I expect to have dropped a size or two or look dramatically different, and things just don't work that way. If I just lose a pound or two, that is fantastic and I need to appreciate that instead of berating myself for not losing more. I need to be thankful for the small victories:) The small battles win the war:)

My 100 Reasons

So I haven't been perfect the past week or so, at least not in the way that I was in the beginning. So I thought it was a good time to make my "100 Reasons" list...My 100 Reasons to Rediscover Myself (sounds better that 'lose weight' or 'get skinny' or any of those generic cliches;) It's good motivation for me to remember my reasons for this journey...to help me stay focused and keep me going. Each day is a new day and I may add more reasons as I go through this process, but this is a good start!

One more thing...I am being totally honest with these, so here's your warning: if it's TMI I'm sorry!!

Here we are, in no particular order....


1. To be healthy and able to care for my son
2. To be a good role model for Ian
3. To regain my health and lower my risks for cancer, heart disease, diabetes..etc. etc.
4. To never hear "Mommy, you're fat" from my son (or cuddly/mushy/etc. - let's face it, kids are honest)
5. To be able to take my wedding rings on and off without it taking conditioner and 10 minutes of pain and twisting
6. To not get winded when I go up a flight of stairs
7. To not have a double chin/s ;)
8. To get to wear all the cute clothes I have in my closet from when I was thin
9. To be able to carry Ian around all the time without my back hurting or getting out of breath
10. To be able to go on long walks without my back hurting
11. To run into people that haven't seen me for awhile and have them say "you've lost so much weight!!"
12. To not be embarrassed when I run into someone from when I was thin and they're shocked at how big I am
13. To be able to get on a plane without worrying if I will need a seat belt extender.
14. To fly on a plane and know that I'm not going to be squashed in the seat or totally piss off the person next to me by overflowing into their space
15. To be able to sit with my legs crossed and have it be comfortable
16. To not sweat so much
17. To be able to order something unhealthy in a restaurant and not worry that people are looking at me thinking "yea, of course SHE'S eating that"
18. To be able to shop somewhere other than Lane Bryant
19. To weigh less than my husband
20. To go to a tanning bed and not have white lines in places that you shouldn't (some of you know what I mean, if you don't, you're a lucky beotch ;)
21. To actually FIT in a tanning bed comfortably
22. To go to a tanning salon and not think people are watching me thinking "why does she bother?" (it's cuz even FAT is more attractive when it's tan people!! ;)
23. To be one of those healthy chicks that carry water bottles everywhere they go
24. To wear a cute belt
25. To get compliments again
26. To be able to get on a tender without it tipping totally to the side and worry you're going to overturn everyone
27. To not have to turn sideways to go through turnstiles at the zoo
28. To be able to work in the yard, plant flowers, trim bushes, etc. without getting worn out
29. To be a regular at the gym
30. To have Jeff think I'm attractive again
31. To be proud of myself
32. To have my friends and family be proud of me
33. To prove to Jeff that I CAN follow through with something
34. To not always be the one in the group eating the most food
35. To be the same size as everyone else at church group
36. To be able to tell all the assholes that have made mean comments to me to kiss my ass
37. To never have anyone ask me again 'are you pregnant?' (unless I actually AM;)
38. To not have my boss think I'm gross and show him I am successful at this
39. To be able to be an avid runner again
40. To do 5K's on a normal basis
41. To do another 1/2 and RUN the WHOLE way!
42. To maybe do a full someday???
43. To be a regular at Front Runner
44. To be able to be a success story in a WW magazine
45. To have a waist again
46. To have cute boobs again (ok, I know I have a BFing kid but I KNOW they'd look better if I was thinner!! ;) I'm not asking for perfection!! LOL)
47. To be able to wear one of those cute backless shirts
48. To go to a club and dance and not feel like a whale
49. To be HOT again!
50. To have better sex
51. To want to leave the lights on ;)
52. To be able to button my cute winter peacoat
53. To have defined muscular arms and legs
54. To wear a cute choker and have it look good and not totally stupid
55. To not feel self conscious at family dinners when someone asks if I want dessert
56. To inspire others with my new self:)
57. To dedicate my life to being healthy
58. To be obsessed with veggies instead of bread and potatoes!
59. To take a yoga class and be able to do it
60. To be able to go shopping for a gown for our vacation cruise and not be depressed and totally frustrated
61. To not feel like the most gigantic person on the cruise (for the 3rd time)
62. To actually have someone check me out for once (in a good way)
63. To not be jealous of skinny chicks
64. To be able to keep up with Ian when he starts running around
65. To want to get my picture taken again and be happy with the results
66. To go to Crew games/OSU games/ BJ games and be comfortable and not take up two seats
67. To be able to buy a swimsuit off the rack
68. To want to actually wear a swimsuit
69. To have the towels at the gym actually COVER me without having to use two together
70. To show my trainer and nutritionist at Lifetime that I succeeded at this
71. To be able to have Jeff and/or Scott pick me up like they used to
72. To have lots more energy
73. To not have to take synthroid or lexapro anymore
74. To be able to say I got my health back the right way and not through starving myself or drinking shakes or whatever
75. To feel good and proud and be able to hold my head high when I'm walking around in public and not feel frumpy or gross
76. To make recipes and cook yummy healthy dinners for Jeff instead of sticking chicken nuggets and baked french fries in the oven
77. To feel sexy again
78. To get my belly-button pierced!
79. To be able to wear cute, sexy hip clothes and not look so boring and school-marmish;)
80. To be able to breathe when I bend over to tie my shoes
81. To actually weigh what my drivers license says I weigh
82. To have Jeff put his arms around my waist and me actually enjoy it instead of pushing his hands away
83. To have my thighs not rub together
84. To wear tank tops and not be horribly embarrassed by my arms
85. To have a collarbone again (and cheekbones, and shoulder blades, etc.)
86. To rollerblade again and not feel like I'm going to die
87. To feel like I'm an equal match for Jeff again
88. To not ever have to hear anything again from my grandma about my weight other than to say how great I look:)
89. To be able to say I want to open a bakery without feeling cliche about it, like the big girl opening the bakery... (believe me people, I know most of this stuff is just in my head, I'm just being honest here)
90. To have much more endurance
91. To not think about food every hour of the day
92. To not be embarrassed or self-conscious about the way I look, the way I eat, the habits I have, the choices I make...
93. To never binge again
94. To end this chapter of my life and start a new one and never have to look back
95. To have bras fit comfortably and have the straps not fall down all the time
96. To be EXCITED to post pics of myself on the web instead of dreading it;)
97. To feel strong and powerful again
98. To live a long healthy life
99. To return to the person I was meant to be...to get back on the path that I started on...
100. To be happy with who I am


And there you have it. 100 reminders for myself of why I have began this process and why I'm not looking back.

Happy 6 Month Birthday Ian!

Yesterday my baby turned 6 months old. I can't even believe it. I feel like I was just in the hospital yesterday...and here it is a whole half-year later. He's gone from this...

to this.....

in what seems like the blink of an eye. I am so excited for all the new things he does and discovers each day, but part of me is just sad. He had his 6 mo. check up and the doctor said he's doing great and gave me instructions on how to start baby food (I've exclusively BF so far so I have no clue!) and even suggested I get a sippy cup for him to try. A sippy cup!! Oh my gosh, the tears welled with that...he's not supposed to have a sippy cup yet! He's still my baby...an infant...and there is no way he's ready for all this! Of course I know he is, but if I could I would freeze time for a bit...it's just going too fast. I can't soak all the joy in each day...I feel like I'm missing some of it because it's flying by too quickly. And as if I needed another sign that day that he is growing up, he sat up all by himself for his pictures. All alone! No wall or couch behind him, no support from mom. Such a big little boy, and he just smiled at me from ear to ear like "hey mom, look what I can do now!". Oh boy, I'm not ready for this!

The trip to Detroit was fantastic. The ride up was great, Ian slept almost the entire way and when he did wake up he was happy and babbling to himself so it was a really pleasant ride. The way back he slept a bit but when he woke he was pretty fussy, especially after the semi next to us had a tire blow RIGHT next to our car. The rubber even flew up and hit our windshield...if you've never had this happen I can tell you the sound is like a gun being shot from INSIDE your car. It was such a fright I nearly drove off the road. After that Ian was not a happy guy. But overall the car time was bearable.

Mostly Karen (and Ian) and I just spent our time hanging out and relaxing. We went shopping (I did get a couple new shirts- yay me!) and Ian got his picture with the Easter Bunny (yes I am one of THOSE moms). We went to the park to feed the ducks (I will have to post a pic of this soon...there were SO MANY- it was hysterical! Too bad Ian was asleep the entire time or he would have gotten a kick out of it!). We watched a couple of movies...which BTW, Fargo- totally overrated. And we went out to eat a couple of times, including to this awesome restaurant called "Mind, Body and Spirits". It is SO awesome...they have tons of vegan and vegetarian food, and the place is almost entirely green. They recycle everything they use (including the napkins, food waste, etc. that all goes into this big machine that creates fertilizer for their plants...in the greenhouse they have where they grow all their own herbs, etc.! Kind of like a compost heap but you can put more stuff in it then just food). They save the rainwater and snow melt to water their greenhouse plants, and nearly all their building materials are green. They use special light bulbs, their floors are bamboo and recycled tires, etc.. It was so great and the food was amazing too! If anyone is ever in the Rochester Hills area, you MUST go here. It's too bad there aren't more places like it! (I may add that to my life list...start an animal shelter, a bakery (I decorate cakes), and a green vegetarian restaurant! :)

Ok, now for the weight info. Saturday morning I was at...........232! That's another 3.4 pounds down:) Woo hoo!!!! 11 whole pounds gone! So I hit Karen's goal for me but didn't quite make the 13 I wanted, but that is ok. I am proud of myself and how hard I've been working at this. I tried last night to create a chart to post here to show my progress but being the blog novice that I am I couldn't get it right. I'll keep trying and hopefully have a progress link soon. But so far so good!

The only negative is that I did not eat perfectly in Detroit...and unfortunately I have not yet been able to get back on track. I was actually not that upset with myself in Detroit; I was allowing myself to use my extra points (which until then I had never used ANY of) and really, compared to what I COULD have had, I didn't do too bad. I am more disappointed with myself and how I have eaten once I came home. I always have this problem...once I begin to see good results I give myself a tiny break and it cascades into a downward spiral. I guess that's my lesson, huh? No tiny breaks- at least ones where I don't journal my points:) Karen has a new challenge for me...to be down 5 more pounds by Easter. Don't know if I'll get there because I'm not sure where I'm at right now (I'm scared to look!) but I am going to try my hardest! Ian is sleeping so well now I plan to get up and get my butt on the treadmill in the mornings next week so that will help too. I just need to focus and get off this "all or nothing" mentality. This is a journey, not a race ;)

A Weekend Away

I am so excited to be headed out of town this weekend...it's been so long! Even though Ian is coming with me it's still going to be good to get a mini-vacation. Not that taking Ian is bad, but it just takes twice as long to get ready and get going with an infant. But when he's this cute, I can't be too upset;) (I know, I'm a dork, I just can't help it! I am a little bit in love with him:)

I love this boy so much! I'll tell you, I am only going for 2 days and my trunk looks like Babies R Us threw up in it. I never would have imagined that having a child would make it so treacherous to travel...have to get the stroller, the pack and play, the play mat, toys, clothes, diapers, etc. etc. and I am sure I am forgetting things too. Whew, I am exhausted and I haven't even gotten my own things together yet!!

So tomorrow is weigh-in day...I have to see if I met Karen's 10 pound challenge! I am so excited...I've been perfect with my eating; I am really trying to not only follow my points but also make my choices healthy ones. I've really been eating a lot of fruits and veggies and more whole grains, less (white) carbs and processed foods. More water. So far I'm feeling pretty good. I'm going on 3 weeks now and I am so proud! I've struggled for a long time to even stick with something for even a day or two, so this is a big accomplishment for me. And I am going to keep at it! My goal for this weekend is to not go crazy:) I plan to loosen up for just the two days I'm there but still overall to try and make healthy choices and normal portions. Luckily it's Karen that I am staying with so I know I'll have her to help. I'm actually excited to see the scale in the morning! It's been really challenging but when it gets rough I just take time and think about my son, and what I want for him...how I want so badly for him to be healthy and for ME to be healthy for him AND for myself. I am going to succeed...even if it takes me a couple years...I am going to do this.

Hope everyone has a great weekend:)

Maternity Pants and Potato Soup

Ahhh two of my favorite things. And two things that are no more for me! So my little boy will be six months old next week and I still have been wearing a pair of my maternity pants. Not that my normal pants won't fit, but more that my preggo pants are just so damn comfortable! So I'm sitting on the couch this evening, relaxing, hanging out with my awesome friend Manda when to my horror I discover a hole! One of THOSE holes...where your pants rub together and the fabric gets all thin and eventually wears through. The kind of hole that skinny people don't know about! And this in my favorite, most comfortable pair of khakis...the only pants I have right now that don't feel like they are about to slice me right in half. So that's a bummer. Guess I just have more motivation now to get into all the others (i.e. dozens?) of pairs of pants I have hanging in the closet waiting for me! All things happen for a reason:) (but what will I wear in the meantime? haha)

Went to Bob Evans for lunch today and can I just say that I think their potato soup may be God's gift to me personally? It is my favorite....but I looked up the points today and I think it's time for me to cut it out of my life completely...it's just too tempting and I can't just have a cup!! No, only a bowl for me! So I must end this love affair and call it quits. Potato soup, I am breaking up with you! Rice Pilaf and applesauce, here I come! (ok, so I'm trying to think positive...)

Here's my 'epiphany' story of the day. Short and sweet tonight. There was a day a couple of years ago that I found out I weighed more than my mom, which really wasn't that big a deal; we have both been fighting our weight for years. But later that same day I also found out I weighed more than my overweight grandmother. The icing on the proverbial cake was learning later that same glorious day that I was also a good 20-30 pounds heavier than my loving 6'2 husband (again, I'm 5'2!). I don't really need to explain how all that made me feel...if you've been there, you KNOW. Good times.

That's all for tonight folks. Got LOST on DVR waiting for me. More soon, I promise!

P.S. Just wanted to say a thank you to all of my awesome supportive friends... you rock and I am so blessed and so thankful for you...you keep me going!!! I love you:)

I need therapy...

So today was weigh-in day. Showed a loss of 3.4 pounds, so we are at a total of -7.6 for two weeks. Yay. I am happy with that, I really am, but another part of me is ticked off and frustrated. I know I am NUTS but I can't help it. Ok folks, going to be totally honest with you all here...my starting weight was 243. First week loss took me down to 238.8 and today I am at 235.4. My highest weight ever was 247. So I am happy with the results because I am definitely going in the right direction...but I have been PERFECT! You'd think someone my size (oh, I'm 5'2 by the way) would see better results the first couple weeks with following points perfectly... I know, get over it. And Karen already gave me the "you're only supposed to lose about 2 pounds a week speech'... but I have goals people! My goal was to be at at least 233 by Saturday (that would be 10 pounds), if not 230 if possible (this is my 5%). So I've been kicking butt, resisting temptations left and right and drinking my water and all that fun. I guess what gets me is that I was 235.5 on Friday morning, and here I am at the same number three perfect days later. So that's why I was expecting a little more drop. What about those ladies at the WW meetings that come in and say "I lost 8 pounds my first week!"?? Guess that's just not meant to be me:) Or they don't eat ANYTHING all week, one of the two;)

Ok, I'm over it. Had to vent is all. Thanks for putting up with my insanity!

Total bummer for today...just realized my favorite WW meal has meat in it...I am so pissed! I swear I read the ingrediants when I first bought it and my friend at work thought she did too...but here I am two weeks later (and about 8 or 9 meals later) reading "chicken Broth, chicken fat, dried chicken meat". WTF!! I feel awful..I haven't had meat in nearly 6 years- I became vegetarian in 2003 and never looked back. Not to mention that's just one more meal off the list for me. I tell you, WW- you need to invest in some vegetarian options!! Geesh! If anyone has any suggestions for me out there for a quick frozen meal other than pizza that is veggie friendly I would be extremely grateful. You can only eat frozen cheese pizza and Four Cheese Ziti so many times before you want to punch something. It's looking like packing sandwiches and salad for lunch is in my very near future...

Alright, I'm on my lunch hour so better get going, but since I was full of whining today I thought I'd at least post something positive. Yesterday I wore my current 'skinny' jeans (skinny for me...probably a tent for most;) for the first time in forever! They were still a bit tight but they fit without having to totally pour myself into them so it's a start! I may see if I can talk Karen into doing some shopping up in D-town this weekend to get a few shirts or something. But only if I hit my 10 by then!

Birthday cake is from the devil...

So I really could have screwed up this week but I managed to keep it together. And there were some major obstacles that really made it challenging! Tuesday was a little get-together with some friends at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, Wednesday was my mom's birthday and Thursday was another birthday celebration. Then this morning Jeff (my husband) took off for Washington DC for a month so we went out to dinner yesterday to spend some time together before he left. BUT....drum roll.....I managed to still stay under my points for the week! And man, I could have thrown it away. Don't get me wrong, I didn't make the healthiest of choices, but at least calorie/point wise I did fine. Tomorrow is scale day so we'll see how it goes. I'm headed to Detroit next weekend and Karen (my HUGE support in all of this) has challenged me to have lost 10 pounds by the time I visit. So hopefully I'll see some major results tomorrow!

I'm trying to look at this whole experience like rehab. I watch reality shows like it's my job (I can't help it, I am totally addicted...I know, it's sad) and when I watch the ones like Celebrity Rehab or Intervention or anything along those lines, I connect in a way to those addictions. Food is 100% my addiction. The only difference between me and the people that are on heroin, alcohol, etc. is that I HAVE to have food to live. And that is the shitty part...if I could just cut out food all the way, I think it would be easier. I actually did Optifast (it's a liquid only diet) for a few months and lost a lot of weight and it wasn't that bad...UNTIL I tasted food again and then it was all over. So I'm trying to think of this all like rehab. I HAVE to have control and I CAN'T let myself gorge on crap like I used to, it's just not a question. And it has to be on the forefront of my mind at all times. As much as that sucks that's how it has to be. You don't make a 180 in your life and not focus on it at all times if you want it to be successful.

Ok..as promised, my 'epiphany' story of the day. I was a waitress for about 7 years at Bob Evans. I loved it and had a lot of awesome regular customers, and some not so awesome. One particular older lady would come in every Saturday and sit at the counter where a friend of mine would wait on her. This woman was alright I suppose, not overly friendly, but ok. One morning she came in and I was typing an order in on the nearby computer when I heard her mention my name to her server...I couldn't exactly understand what she asked so when my friend came over I asked her what the woman had said. She looked a bit embarrassed and then told me that she wanted to know if I was pregnant. I knew I had gained some weight, but I certainly didn't realize I looked pregnant! If that wasn't bad enough, a few weeks later I went to the fair and ran into an old line cook that I had worked with at the restaurant. HE asked me if I was pregnant!! WTF?? I said, "Nope, just fat!!" I swear, someone could look like they have a freakin basketball shoved up their shirt and I will NOT ask if they are pregnant...it is the WORST feeling! UGH!

Week One Success

Well, the scales showed a 4.2 pound improvement this morning. Woo Hoo! Only a billion more to go, but hey, you have to start somewhere! It's so funny the mindset you get in when you're trying to get in shape...4.2 is so awesome and yet I think, man, why couldn't it have been 5? Seriously? I need help:)

So the week was a good one...was slightly under points everyday and did really good with drinking water, which I hate so I'm proud of that (I am a diet coke LUNATIC - yea, I'm the one with the fries and dessert and a DIET coke, haha). This week's goal is more exercise. It's really hard finding the time but I'm working on it. Having a baby really tests your time management but I have to learn sometime-he's not going anywhere!

A lot of people that decide to get back in shape, lose weight, get fit, etc. come to that decision through an epiphany, a big event that smacks them across the face and wakes them up, whether it's a comment someone made, a picture or not fitting into a favorite pair of jeans. I've had a few of those....for me I don't think it was one thing that has led to this but rather a compilation of many. I thought I would end this and the next few posts with a few of those just to help keep me focused on this project of reinvention.

So a few years ago my husband sponsored a boy (I'll call him Justin) through Big Brothers Big Sisters. We took him to a Crew game here in Columbus. We were having a blast! We had great seats pretty much to ourselves, the weather was great, it was a good day. All of a sudden I looked up at the big screen and there was Justin! I nudged him and pointed, telling him "Look! It's you!" and then I found myself thinking 'But who is that next to you??...' and it took about 3 seconds for me to realize that the blob sitting next to him was yours truly. I seriously did not even recognize myself...I even glanced to Justin's opposite side to see if someone I didn't know had sat down next to him. What a shock that was. I will never forget how I felt that day!!

I am so glad to be taking this step..I never want to feel that way again. This is just the beginning for me. Just you wait:)

5 Days Down...

and going strong. I have to say here I owe major KUDOS to my long-time friend Karen for kicking my ass and getting me pumped and motivated. Considering it's been, umm, yea I don't even remember how long since I stuck with something for more than a day, 5 days is an acomplishment. Perfect on my points, or even under by a few, lots of water, and lots of veggies and fruit. I'm started to overcome the late night snacking (and morning snacking, and mid-afternoon/pre-dinner snacking) and my stomach is even starting to adapt to not having it crammed full of crap every second of the day. So yay me! Plus, hubby is gone this week so it's been a little more stressful with a 5 month old by myself then it normally is (props to single mothers out there...you ROCK). On top of that some stressful events this week came up unexpectedly that normally would have sent me running for something awful but I had restraint. So I am pretty proud of myself (ok, I know it's only 5 days, but if anyone reading this has had weight issues like I have you understand. And if not don't judge).

Lots more to talk about but it's time for Ian to hit the sack so more soon. How can I resist this cute little guy? :)

And so it begins...

My first blog post! Woo hoo. It's so strange to be doing this...not sure what to say or where to start. My goal with this site is just to be open and honest and to just let it all out. So thanks to whoever may read this and here goes...

Just signed up for WW online about ten minutes ago. Been there and done that but this time is different. I know, the fat girl who's been on a million diets says "this time is different'. Haha right? Well, we'll see who has the last laugh I guess. I've done it all...WW, low cal, Atkins, starving myself, Optifast, etc. etc. and here I am at 240 some odd pounds. Yo-yo dieting at it's best folks. But life has changed for me. I now have a son. And therein lies the difference.

WW is truly a plan I believe in and one that is very successful for me. This is the beginning of the rediscovery, the new me, the search for who I am MEANT to be. This person I have become is NOT what I am supposed to be...I was not meant to be this huge person, this unhealthy, lazy, unmotivated slob (which unfortunately what I have grown to see myself as...which again is NOT how I was ever meant to think of myself!). I have lost all feeling of worth for myself...when I look in the mirror I don't see a smart, sincere, compassionate, pretty girl, I see someone that is just a shadow of who she once was. I think back 8 to 10 years ago when I was in college and I remember feeling like I was going to BE someone...I was going to do something important and make a mark in this world. Instead I have gone down a road I never expected, I have lost myself, my dreams and my love for life right along with it. And for several years now I have wallowed in pity for that...for that lost love, for that missing sense of self worth and pride. But enough. I am stopping the walk down this dark road and turning around. I am going back the other way.

My son's name is Ian and to be cliche' as hell, he is my pride and joy. And he has caused this. He has started this new journey for me...this path to rediscovery. He is my son and I owe him a mother that is healthy and happy, with herself and her life. I owe him a healthy future and a life with a mother that has joy and energy and endurance and who sets good examples and who truly loves not only him with all her heart, but herself as well. So it's time. Here I go.