'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Getting my groove back!!

Ahhh I feel like there's so much to post about and not enough space here or time to post it! :) 

SOOO I'll start with the 90 Day Challenge.  Like I said in my last post, I won!!!!  At 35.2 pounds, 15.53%, lost,  I came in first place at my club, and 58th place nationally!  They did a little announcement at the gym's cafe the next week to announce the winner and it was so sweet because both my trainers came to be with me when they announced it, and my husband who was working out at the time came down too.  It was so nice to finally know! LOL I feel like that week took forever.  But I'm really proud of myself and so thankful to my trainer friends for helping, supporting and encouraging me through it all (trust me, I am NOT easy to handle sometimes haha!).  I'm also thankful for all my friends and family too the past few months for listening to me whine LOL and pushing me to keep going.  So excited to have won!  The title means the most to me but I also won a free eyebrow wax and haircut/style at the gym spa, as well as $250 gym bucks (I applied it to my son's swim lessons...6 months free woot woot!!).  So happy. :)

So since the challenge was over I haven't weighed myself more than once or twice, and that was just shortly after the 90 days was over.  I am not concentrating on the numbers for the time being....my trainers and I have made a plan to focus on my fitness levels.  Work on getting stronger, and getting faster!!  I did loosen up a bit on things and as a couple weeks passed, I really felt my motivation waning.  I think I was just going so hard and so strong for the challenge that by the time it was over I was totally burned out.  I was still working out, going to my sessions, doing cardio, trying to make good eating choices (I did give in a little here and there but not too horribly) but my heart wasn't in it completely.  It didn't have me too anxious, just kind of down in the dumps because I couldn't get back in the groove.  On top of that I have so much going on in life right now, between my son starting a new school, my baby's birthday, and trying to organize a million things to get the house ready to sell (what a nightmare!  Moving is the pits!) I've been kind of stressed out so focusing on fitness hasn't been at the top of my list.  I don't know WHAT it is lately but I have been so crazy emotional!  It is nuts!  I'm working through it but man, it has been a rough couple of weeks. 

So that brings me to today.  My friend asked me a while back if I'd like to do a Color Mania 5K with her and I agreed.  I have a Color Run 5K with my trainer in July so I thought this would be a good one to start with.  Jami and I have been running together on Mondays and I've been trying to run when I can on my own, and we are making great progress.  The last run (3.1 mi) we did was 37:15, which is my fastest time yet by far.  Jami is so great at pushing me and she really helps me to keep the pace up and keep going.  She doesn't let me stop :)  And it's working!

So today was the Color Mania 5K.  It was a BLAST!  I was in such a funk this week, especially yesterday, and to be honest I didn't even feel like getting out of bed.  But I did, and I went and met my friend this morning, we headed out and we rocked it!  I am especially proud of her because she hadn't run a full 5K in awhile, and she ran the ENTIRE thing, AND we finished in 39:15 which is awesome!  It was so special and so nice to share that experience together.  On top of that, we had a fantastic time!  It was a great run, a fun experience, awesome people and we looked hilariously fantastic afterwards LOL.  Here are some pics for proof! ;)

Before!!!
 

At the finish line!  We rock!!!
 

Paint cloud!!
 

Us in the paint cloud LOL :)  I love this girl!!
 
 
I may or may not have rolled around on the ground :)
 

I also may or may not have dumped a paint packet on my friend's back ;) hehe
 

Loved it!!!!
 
 
 
 
So I honestly feel like this race today helped me get my fitness mojo back!  I felt that runners/race day high all day today and I am so excited for the next one.  My friend and I have an Electric Run later this month and I'm so pumped!  And then the Color Run with Jami next month too.  I'm even thinking about looking up some more for later in the summer.  I really am feeling that excitement back...the feeling that you get when you're doing things right and you're getting stronger.  I've been really happy with my training, my running with Jami and all that and I really feel like I've been making good progress (a couple months ago I couldn't even THINK about getting a 5K in under 40, no way!).  I am feeling that focus again and it feels good!!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Freezing Time

I am really sorry that I haven't posted lately.  Life has been crazy and there have been a million things going on.  I have been a little stressed with everything and just haven't taken the time to write.  Tonight, I am actually not getting on to write about my weight loss or my health journey at all.  I will share though that I won my contest!!  I will write more about that in a separate post soon, but I thought I should at least announce that news.  I'm so happy with myself and so excited that all my hard work paid off. :)  Yay!

This week has been so emotional for me.  My 4 year old's birthday is in late September so we have decided to wait another year before he starts kindergarten.  He has been in an awesome preschool program the last 2 years through a child center that one of my best friends owns.  This fall he will be starting a full time Pre-K program at a different center in our area, and he will start summer camp at the new place in a week or so to get used to it before school starts.  His last day at his preschool was today and his little graduation ceremony was last night.  SO adorable!  I have a lot of anxiety with the change (I don't do well with the unknown) as we are both so comfortable where he is.  Because I am so close to the owner, I know all the staff and teachers extremely well and consider them good friends.  So I guess I feel like that makes it a little harder.  The worst part is when Ian gets sad that he won't see his friends anymore.  I tell him he will make lots of new ones, and he seems okay with that.  I am thankful that he is more excited than nervous, and I'm definitely not letting him get any sense of my emotions about the situation.  Trust me friends, I know that everyone with kids goes through this.  I also know I am more emotional than a lot of people.  I am ok with that, I just need to work through it.  Simply put, the reality is that I just don't want him to grow up.  I want to keep him my little boy forever.  He brightens every single one of my days and I want to keep him home with me, I don't want him gone all day every day.  I just want to have a pause button on life.  I want to soak in a few more moments of this little boy before he isn't so little anymore. 

The other thing that is pulling on my heartstrings this week is that my sweet little baby boy is turning one on Sunday.  How did this happen!?  I promise I just brought him home from the hospital a few weeks ago!  I look at him standing up next to me, clutching the edge of the chair, grinning his toothy grin at me and I am astounded at the speed at which this year has flown by.  I have thought a lot about his birthday the past month or so and I haven't gotten emotional at all (I was a WRECK when Ian turned one) but all of a sudden I am so overwhelmed with feeling.  This life is so quick, so uncontrolled, it is astonishing to me.  I want to grab them both, sit them on my lap, rest their little boy heads on my shoulders and wrap their sweet tiny arms around my neck and keep them there, cuddling them and just holding on to them like that, trying to memorize the feeling of them right now.  Every moment they are older, each second they are not the same as they were the moment before.  I am afraid that tomorrow I will blink and they will be grown.  It is unbelievable how quickly our lives unfold in front of us. 

I wish I could freeze time.  I would hold these sweet little beautiful boys in my arms forever.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Holy cow it's been a month?!?!

I have been meaning to get back here and write a post for so long, and time just kept getting away from me.  I've been so busy, and then I kept having more and more things I wanted to post about that I started getting overwhelmed with the thought of catching up! LOL!  So here I am...get ready for a big post of rambling and random thoughts!!

Soooo, I am doing really great!  My last post I was struggling SOOO bad with getting under 200.  It was driving me insane!  Well, finally, on the morning of April 20th I weighed myself and saw this.....





I pretty much cried.  I saw that number for about 5 days in 2007 (I immediately started to gain weight back and the rest is history) and before that I can't remember how long it had been.  Probably sometime in 2003 or 2004.  I got married in 2002 and started gaining weight shortly after.  Haven't really been in the 100's since the first year or so I was married.  It is almost surreal.  It is also coincidentally my drivers license weight. :)  I am so excited to see a number that doesn't start with a 2...it feels like I won the lottery!

So that was a few weeks ago, and seeing that number really got me pumped up for the last couple weeks of my 90 day challenge.  Final weigh-in was May 11th and I was really focused on winning!! :)  I really tried to be as perfect as possible with the eating and water (TONS of water!) and I also stepped up my workouts a bit.  With Jami and Aaron's encouragement I did a few new things in that department.  We did another 5K run (this time in 40:50!! Woo hoo!! Can't wait for a sub 40;) as well as some treadmill runs on my own.  Aaron took me out one session for some crossfit type stuff...I got to push/pull the prowler for the first time AND flip tires for the first time!  Along with some hill runs (UGH!) and some box jumps (onto the tire!! Woot woot!!) it was an AWESOME workout!!  Finally, in last week of the competition Jami and I jogged over to the local high school to run bleachers.

Let me just say that even the stairmill is a challenge for me...I don't know why but stairs are just really hard for me.  I was really excited to run the bleachers, but I quickly learned that I was totally unprepared for their difficulty.  We started off and I was pretty strong at first, but just a couple flights later I was winded and so short of breath.  At one point I even started to panic a little because I felt like I just couldn't breath.  Jami is so incredibly supportive and kind.  I was struggling but she was totally encouraging.  We got the breathing under control and pushed on.  A little while later (we would do the bleachers through down one direction, then run the track, do some stretchy/lungey stuff on the field, then start bleachers again) we were about halfway through the bleachers the second time I started to get into my head.  My legs were aching and my breathing was so labored...I just started to go to that bad place I do when things get really rough.  When I struggle, I find that there is a fine line between feeling that crazy motivation (yeah! I can do this!  I'm gonna kick ass!!) and the place where I just totally start to beat myself up.  I start getting pissed off at myself...I start thinking "well, here you are, you wouldn't even have to be doing this right now if you hadn't let yourself get so fat!!" and "of course you can't breath, look at you! You can't do this!!".  All that nasty mean crap that I used to hear in my head all the time.  It just really started to get to me.  I'm not going to lie, I had a little mini-breakdown.  Coming down the stairs I just started to cry...I couldn't help it.  And God love Jami, that sweet girl, my friend, she put her arm around me and just let me.  We had a little talk and I got it out, let it pass and you know what?  I felt better.  I think that that workout was just so new and so challenging...it was just so hard for me, you know?  And I just had to work through that to get past it and move on.  It's been a long time since I have felt defeated or so emotional in a workout...this was just a reminder of where I came from and how far I've come.  I'm glad it happened because I feel like now I am even more capable and more ready for even harder challenges...I am excited to get better at these things...to face them instead of fear them.  It really had little to do with the physical challenge of the bleachers and all to do with the mental journey this has been and continues to be.  I am proud that with Jami's help I got past it, continued the workout, and even did the bleachers through one more time  (albeit pretty slow haha:).

So....yesterday was the big weigh-in.  I had been so excited/anxious/pumped/nervous/lots of other emotions about the whole thing so I was ecstatic that the day was finally here.  My ultimate goal when I started was (well, to win, but otherwise...) to get under 200 pounds.  I am SO proud and excited and happy to tell you that I weighed in at 191.4.  That, my friends, is a 35.2 pound, 15.5% weight loss in 90 days.  It's so funny because for a week or two I was stuck right at 30 give or take a pound, but Aaron kept telling me, it's going to be 35.  I kept telling him not to hold his breath because I didn't want him to be disappointed!!  But lo and behold, he was right.  I don't know yet if I won the contest or not, we should find out in a day or two hopefully (I can't wait to find out!!!!), but either way I am SO happy with my results.  Jami took before and after pictures and I really was shocked at the differences.  When you look at yourself every day in the mirror, it's harder to tell differences but looking at 2 pictures side by side, 90 days apart, the changes stand out.  Here they are:


 
 
 
So that's the last couple weeks.  I'm going to really try to post more often as I've obviously been slacking pretty good on the blog front.  I am going to be shifting my focus the next few weeks to working on my running as I have a couple 5K's coming up in June and July and I REALLY want to be running under 40 minutes by then (what can I say, I'm a slow runner!).  I also will be concentrating on my September goal of 161 (although that is so far away, I may make another mini-goal for before then!). 

Sorry this turned into a book...I guess that's what happens when I don't write for a month!  Lots more I want to post about but I'll save it for another day.  Hope everyone has a fantastic week! :)

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Happy Weekend Friends!

So the hubby just headed out with Ian for a bit, and the baby is actually content in his swing for the moment so I thought I would try a quick update.  This week has been so crazy...I've been meaning to get on and post but the days have just flown by this week. 

First, the frustrating.  I am STILL sitting at around 202.  Grrrrr!  I feel like my body is absolutely refusing to go under 200.  I have done pretty awesome this week but no dice.  My trainer friends go on vacation on Tuesday and I really really wanted to be under by the time they leave but I don't see it.  I will tell you, if I'm not under 200 by the time they get back I will be a raging lunatic (more than normal haha).  But I am SURE I will be.  I am drinking so much water I am going to float away, I've had some AWESOME workouts and my food has been pretty great.  I know it will happen...hopefully this stall is just a sign of a BIG drop coming....the 90 day has exactly 4 weeks left from today so hopefully in the next couple days my body will realize what it's supposed to be doing here and I'll see the WOOSH in the scale that I've been waiting for. (thanks for the term Desiree' ! :)  I can't be TOO upset about the weight though because....

my clothes are fitting awesome!!!  Yesterday I was so excited...I wore a 14/16 shirt that was totally comfy and not even form fitting and my new size 16 jeans...and they were almost loose!!  I can't even believe it.  So even though my numbers are being stubborn I know I am making progress.  It feels so good to put on an outfit and actually not hate how I look.  Not at all saying that happens every day, but when it does it feel so amazing!

So Monday Jami and I headed outside for my cardio workout.  We ended up trying my first outdoor 5k (at least my first one in a looonnnngggg time LOL) and I did it!!  It took me 42:48 but I did it!  And that is a lot quicker than my normal just over 45 that it takes me on the treadmill.  Having Jami there DEFINITELY saved me because it was rough.  She kept us on a relatively flat route but there were still some small hills and some wind, and it was definitely WAYYY different from my normal 1% incline, set pace run, inside.  And another small victory on that front...I did it without my music!  We both brought headphones in case I needed the push but I ended up not even getting them out.  It was awesome. :)  The first mile I really didn't think I was going to be able to do it but once I got over that hump it was good!  Jami is definitely a wonderful cheerleader...I probably would have just said screw it if she weren't there pushing me.   It made me realize how much I really miss running outside.  The weather is finally starting to be a bit nicer...I'm looking forward to a spring and summer of nice pretty outside runs!

I can't believe I managed to get this down without Luke waking up.  Off to try to get something else accomplished.  Have a great weekend friends!!

Sunday, April 7, 2013

If you fail to plan....

Man I can't believe it's taken me so long to post! Sorry I've been MIA, I've just been really busy.  I'm not even sure what to post about tonight, I just felt like it had been too long so I needed to check in.

Things are going alright...still getting back into my groove of eating 'normal' after ending my cleanse and my weight has fluctuated SO much this week it has been frustrating.  Thursday will be a month left to the 90 day and I am SO ready to bust my ass these last few weeks.  I am super motivated and excited to see what I can do this final month.  My plan/goals for the next 4+ weeks:

**  Drink at least a gallon of water a day.  NO SODA until I have had all my water for the day.  Teas count as water also.

**  Do not miss ONE workout.  Unless I have absolutely no option (only possibility is sick kids not allowing me to get to the gym) I will be at every PT, every pilates and every cardio session between now and then.  I am pretty good at this already....unless the boys are sick and I can't take them in to the child center and mom can't watch them I make every session...the only thing I sometimes struggle with is my 5 AM cardio.  That is rough sometimes if it has been a rough night.  But I will get there, even if I have to go later in the day. 

**  Add some two-a-days.  Nothing crazy, but add another cardio session whenever possible.  Even if it's a light elliptical workout after the kids go to bed or a long walk around the neighborhood, I want to add a little more activity.  Maybe lift some light weights or do some extra core stuff at home here and there.  Overall, just be active!  Sit less on the computer during the day...more cleaning and straightening and moving and less bumming around! ;)

**  Tighten up my off day.  I still will allow myself something special on Saturdays but I want to be just a little stricter on my choices. 

**  Meditate and pray about this journey more often.  I find myself thinking too often that God's got me on this, that I don't need to pray about it, I just need to DO it.  But I do need to pray about it....praying is what will HELP me DO it.  Praying is what helps me make the right choices and feel like I am capable of succeeding at this!

** Continue to make healthy, clean eating choices.  Lots of veggies, lots of protein, healthy carbs, etc..  Very limited sweets.  Basically keep on keeping on. ;)

GOAL:

At this point my goal for the next month is to reach at least 189 by the end of the challenge.  That is a big goal, but possible.  I am not under 200 yet but SO close...the fluctuations of the last week have driven me crazy but I know I will get to that goal soon.  I have slacked on my water the last few days as well so I know that is part of it.  I will share when I hit that awesome onederland, but otherwise, I am not going to share my weight until the end of the 90 days.  Knowing that I will get to share my final progress on May 11th gets me motivated, so I'm gonna keep it quiet till then!  There is an awesome FB site I follow (https://www.facebook.com/SunshinesJourney for those curious!) and she did a Biggest Loser 12 week challenge for her job, and hasn't shared her progress the entire time.  Tomorrow is when she is sharing her results and I am SOOO excited for her!  I can't wait to hear how she did and not knowing the whole 12 weeks was fun...so I'm doing the same. ;)  Except it's for 4 or so weeks.  But you catch my drift. ;)

I guess that's all for tonight.  I have cardio with Jami tomorrow and I think we may try to run outside...we'll see how it goes.  I don't do well at all outside, and I especially don't do well without my running music.  Who knows, we may just walk the whole 6 miles, we'll see how tomorrow goes.  Either way, excited to step it up!

Hope everyone has a wonderful week:)

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Happy Easter!

Whew.  I feel so much better today I can't even tell you.  I feel like myself again...almost relieved if I'm being honest.  And I'm ready to kick some butt this week!

Today was Easter and we had a great time with family this weekend.  The boys were absolutely adorable if I do say so myself.  Check it out....

 


It was a good day.  Although it was tiring as Luke is crawling so fast and getting into so much we can barely keep up with him!  But it's awesome to see him getting excited about things.  And boy does that boy have a temper!!  When he can't have something that he runs across in his travels he gets MAD.  He's not his mama's boy at all! ;)

Bonus for me, I even managed to take a couple of pics that I don't completely hate.  Here's me and mom...


 
 
 

It's kinda nice to take a pic that I don't immediately delete. LOL.  It was a nice weekend on that front...I even FINALLY got into a spandexy type workout shirt I bought from Target a few months ago that I have been dying to wear but just haven't been able to.  There are pics of that under the 'progress pics' tab at the top of this page.  I was so excited to wear it to pilates Saturday (I'm not ballsy enough yet to wear it for a normal PT session!  Maybe a couple more weeks). 

I took today off from working out to relax a little and I enjoyed it.  But I have to admit I did miss it a little!!  Now that the running has been a little more consistent I'm actually craving it!  AND the weather is getting a little nicer so I am looking forward to getting outside and trying a run there instead of the treadmill.  I've always struggled with running outdoors...time-wise I am always tons slower on the pavement.  So I'm excited to give it a shot.  OH!  And I have these awesome new kicks....

I met a guy at the gym who overheard me talking to Aaron about my hip pain and he told me I should try Brooks Pureflow's.  So I tried some on and I love them!  I heel-strike SO bad and Aaron is always trying to get me to run more on my toes...in other words, run more naturally and less on my heels.  These shoes totally do that for me.  The first day I ran in them I did 4 miles easy in just under an hour and I felt like I could even go longer.  The next day my calves were sooorrrreeeee but that just confirmed that they are doing what they are supposed to.  Love these shoes!

That's it for now.  Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!!!  Happy Easter friends!!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

I'm not a quitter...but...

I quit this cleanse.  It has turned into something that, for me, is not healthy.  I love the idea of it and I mostly love the results but it is not worth it to me.  I have always been an all or nothing person, and that has been my downfall in many ways in my life.  It has taken me years to learn that there is a middle ground and it doesn't have to be all or nothing, but I still struggle with that outlook sometimes.  That perspective has been nothing but trouble for me...in the past it's led to binging and restricting and all kinds of other bad things.  With this cleanse, I have done wonderfully for the past 2 weeks.  The other day when I was struggling I managed to stay focused and I didn't even go off plan at all.  But the strictness of it is really messing with my head and I don't like that.  I am tired of the food choices (or lack thereof..which is partly my fault as I am picky and don't care for fish, etc.), and bored with my meal plans.  It's gotten to the point where I only have a few bites of my meal because I'm so bored with it.  So I just stop eating it and go on with my business.  Which is leading into bad habits for me and it's causing me to dislike the healthy food that I was doing so well with before I started this cleanse.  For example, I am so sick of plain salad with grilled chicken that I don't even want to THINK about eating a salad, even WITH a little cheese, a couple croutons and a little dressing...which is what I would have had before for a meal and I would have absolutely been in heaven (and is perfectly fine for me to eat).  It is making me crave things that I haven't even missed since I really started getting healthy on my own the first of the year.  My body is CRAVING food that on this plan, I can't have.  I don't know if it's that my running is trying to burn carbs that I don't have (I've been running 3-4 miles 3x a week now at least!  woo hoo!!) or if I'm getting too much protein but my body is not happy.  I weighed in this morning at 202.8 which is fabulous.  I am really happy with that, but it is not much better than I could do on my own, as I've consistently lost around 2 lbs a week since the beginning of the year.  I measured this morning and I have not lost more than 1-2 inches, which astounds me.  I am totally stumped on that one.  The results aren't even the issue though...it's what's going upstairs that concerns me.

So I had a LONG talk (i.e. therapy session haha) with Jami this morning and we decided to call it quits with this 24 day challenge.  I am SO thankful for her (and Aaron both) because she really helped me talk through things and helped work with me to realize what was the best choice for me, my health and my body.  I am proud that I made it 2 weeks and I will definitely keep using the products because I really do love them!  But foodwise I need to go back to my own healthy habits I was establishing and find that middle ground again.  I was feeling really low thinking about stopping, and being embarrassed that I couldn't make it through, especially knowing I was going to have to come here and post about it, but it is the right thing to do for me.  I want to be clear....this is a great cleanse, a great plan and I am positive that it would be awesome for lots of people out there.  There is nothing wrong with the plan.  And I am really sorry if I have disappointed anyone or let you down.  It's just that for me, with my mindset, longterm goals, and especially my history, it just isn't the right choice for me.  I am proud of the habits I have built since the first of the year and I am looking forward to getting back to that.  I am excited to be excited about healthy food again! :)

This has been a really good (and humbling) learning experience for me.  I'll definitely be using some of the plan's ideas in my own journey going on....like drinking at least a gallon of water a day, eating several small meals (I've never been good at that one!) and having protein with every meal.  I have 41 more days before the final weigh-in for my 90 day challenge, and I'm really pumped to kick it into high gear for these final few weeks.  I feel spiritually, physically and mentally the best I have felt in years and I am so excited for all the possibilities this journey holds!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

This isn't going to be pretty...

I am not in a good mood.  I am tired and worn out and hungry.  Well, not really.  I don't even think I'm hungry, I just want some 'good' food.  I want a big huge baked potato with butter and a diet coke and a big piece of cake with buttercream frosting.  Hell, I'd even like to have a string cheese that is in the fridge right now.  Or a jellybean.  I am feeling SO frustrated.

Like an idiot I gave in and weighed myself this morning which is stupid.  I was at 204. Which is awesome!  But I wasn't happy with it.  What is wrong with me that I can't be happy with that?  I guess I have just started to get frustrated with the BORING eating I am doing on this cleanse challenge that I am just irritated with everything.  I was hoping I would hit under 200 Saturday but that sure as hell isn't going to happen.  I am still having wonderful progress I guess, I just was really hoping to hit that number this weekend.  All I can think about today is food and it is driving me insane. 

From the first of the year I had a really good routine going on where I would eat really great all week (small portions, limited carbs and mostly brown, rare treat, lots of veggies, etc.) and then on Saturdays I would have a meal out and have mostly whatever I wanted.  I was having AWESOME progress with that and after this challenge, that's what I will be doing again.  But I think with this challenge I make it 5 or 6 days and then my body is like, ok, give me something good.  Which is what happened last Friday...and now I feel the exact same way today.  I mean, doesn't a body need carbs?  I am seriously hating everything about this right now. 

And when I feel like that I end up hating other things too.  I start to wallow in my circumstances and I get mad at myself for all the old reasons.  I hate that I let myself get like this and I hate that I have to work SO damn hard just to get to where I should've stayed in the first place.  I hate that I walked through the mall today and couldn't have the french fries or the cookie or even a diet coke, and there were tons of other people that could.  And were skinny.  Who knows, maybe they eat healthy most of the time and workout everyday...they probably deserve that damn cookie!  But today they annoy me.  I hate that when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I still have so far to go.  I hate that I have been at this since January of 2011 and I am only down 57 pounds in over 27 damn months.  I hate that I didn't work harder the first 2 years I was on this journey.  I hate that I have to dedicate a huge percentage of my day to concentrating on this path....getting ready to get myself and two kids to the gym, fitting in workouts, getting up at 5 to get there, thinking about what I'm going to eat, avoiding what I'm not supposed to, trying to make sure I get enough water all day (which I also hate).  I hate that I wasn't this person from the start...I am so mad at myself for letting this happen.  I even hate myself right now for being mad at myself.  I have issues.



So I just read over what I just wrote and was tempted to delete it all and just keep this stuff to myself.  But that wouldn't be honest and that's my goal with this whole journey is to be open about it all...the good and the bad.  And this is just a vent, don't worry, I'm not going to cancel my gym membership or binge eat the rest of the night.  I am going to try really really hard to keep on plan today.  I know ultimately tomorrow is a new day.  Here's praying I feel a little more control and a little less frustration in the morning. :)

Sunday, March 24, 2013

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

It's been a pretty successful weekend.  After my little stumble Friday evening I got back on track hardcore and am feeling really good.  I have been great with my eating...even tried a new recipe that turned out AWESOME.  Well, not really a recipe...it was basically spaghetti squash with marinara chicken but it was delicious!  I just baked some chicken breasts in the oven covered in some all natural marinara sauce and then put then over the squash.  I couldn't believe how good it was for how simple it was to make.  Pretty excited!!  On this cleanse there is a definitely a lack of flavor in my opinion (so far...I'm working on branching out) so this was a nice change!

I have lots of awesome successes to share!!  I feel like the last week or two things have really come to a head with my progress.  I've been working on losing weight for so long, and often I really felt like nothing was changing and I wasn't getting anywhere.  But all of a sudden things are starting to happen!! I am starting to notice changes...and even better, other people are too!!  The last few weeks people have started to comment on how I look like I'm losing weight, or that I look smaller.  SOO awesome to hear that!!  I think it's common to not be able to tell a difference when we look at ourselves everyday...it's a lot easier for someone else to notice when they only see you once and awhile.  I'm not going to lie...I could hear that kind of thing all day long!  Especially on the rough days where I look in the mirror and I'm still so frustrated. 

I do have some concrete evidence of progress however.  Check this out:

 
Can you guess what store this is from? I'll tell you what store it's NOT from!! It's NOT from Lane Bryant!!! This is from NY&CO! And not only that, but I bought a size large!!!  A LARGE!!  Don't get me wrong, I bought 3 shirts and the other 2 were definitely XL's....I even tried a size 18 dress on that I couldn't even get over my chest, but it's a start!!  I don't even remember the last time I wore a large!  I almost got a little teary walking around the store looking at all the awesome clothes...I finally see a far off light at the end of the tunnel.  To be able to go into a regular store and buy something is a feeling I haven't had in as long as I can remember.  I told Jeff that as soon as I am under 200 (SOOO close!!!) I am going back and I am taking the credit card haha:) And the day I can buy PANTS in a regular store...I may throw a party!!

So motivating to be seeing and feeling some changes.  The last week has been so hard, so these things are definitely coming at a really good time.  God knew what I needed this week!! :)  I did decide that I am going to try REALLY hard to hold off on weighing myself until next Saturday.  I am so close to being under 200 that I just want to give myself a few days without seeing a number.  I doubt I can get there by then, but I bet I'll be pretty close!  So excited!

Also, for those of you who have asked, Luke is doing a LOT better, thank you!!  He was crawling all over the place today, even trying to pull himself up to stand.  He's so close!  Before I know it he'll be walking.  I'll be in big trouble then!! :)

Have a great week friends!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The post in which I confess my imperfection.

I screwed up.  I ate off plan yesterday.   I probably could have told you I was going to early in the day, but I did at least manage to make it to late last night before I caved.  Ugh!!! So mad at myself. 

So Luke has been getting a cold, and yesterday his eyes started getting goopy and gross.  Ian had a field trip so my mom was nice enough to take the baby since I couldn't put him in daycare for the trip.  The field trip was awesome, but we had to pack a lunch and the schedule of the morning totally screwed up my cleanse plan (having to eat every 2 hours, have snack mid-morning, etc..).  By the time we ate our pack lunches I was starving, and the veggies, fruit and diced chicken I brought was NOT hitting the spot to say the least.  Afterwards I went to meet mom to pick up Luke and it was time for my afternoon drink and vitamins, as well as afternoon snack but I had not anticipated being gone so long so I didn't have them with me.  Luke ended up being even worse so I had to get him to the doctor quickly before they closed for the weekend (massive pinkeye and horrible ear infection...his eardrum was bulging!  Poor little baby!!) which put us even later.  By the time we got home from the pharmacy it was so late it was dinnertime.  I was exhausted all day from being up with Luke all night the night before and I just was in such a horrible mindset.

All day long in my head I was trying to negotiate with myself, make a plan on how I could just have SOMETHING I was craving and then get back to it...how I could give in just a LITTLE...and I kept shutting that down.  I honestly feel like yesterday was the hardest day I have had in years.  I felt like a crazy person with all the back and forth I had going on in my head!  When I met mom to get Luke we were at the mall, and mom was drinking diet coke, Ian had gotten Chik-Fil-A for lunch, I was dying.  I don't know where my willpower went yesterday, but by last night I just caved.  I don't know if I am trying to be too strict with this cleanse (my version seems a little different from others I have seen?) or if I just had a weak day or was just too tired or what.  There's no real excuse for it.  I tried to refocus on my goals...on my progress...on all the awesome things I've been doing and accomplishing lately.  I tried to think about the AMAZING NSV's (non scale victories!) I've had lately (those are the things I was/am going to post about in my last post) but nothing could get me over the hump yesterday. 

I was going to not share this here because I am so frustrated and pissed off that I couldn't even go 6 freaking days on this cleanse without jacking it up, but I figured that I had to because this honestly is just part of the process.  I am not perfect, and this journey is not going to be perfect.  I'm going to have ups and downs and unfortunately this is one of the down moments.  I don't want to write this blog and not be honest about my imperfection.  It's easy for me to write and post when I'm really happy and motivated and having great results but it's harder for me when it's not a great day or I'm struggling.  Part of that is because a couple years ago in this blog (and in life, really) I was in a constant bad place...a TON of negative talk and lots of bad days.  When I look bad to that time or read old posts it's just sad and it reminds me of how bad I never want to be that person again. 

But here's the difference I can make now that I didn't do then.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it and I'm not going to wallow in it.  I am going to look at the positives in the situation (I didn't binge, I didn't go batshit crazy and eat everything in sight, I had a couple little things and went to bed) and I am going to figure out how to avoid losing control in the future (I'm thinking that maybe next time I will try to lift some weights or do a little workout when I'm feeling that struggle..those endorphins typically kick the temptations to the curb) and I am going to move on.

I got up this morning, had my cleanse drink that I was supposed to, had my breakfast and am on my second bottle of water.  I am 54 pounds less than I was when I started...I raced Ian to the entrance of the gym this morning without so much as a deep breath...and I put a pair of size 16 jeans on this morning (SIXTEEN!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!????! WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!)  I am on the right track on this journey and a little bump in the road isn't derailing me.  I'm thankful that today is a new day.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Cleanse- Day 5 and going strong!

There is so much I want to post about tonight that I don't even know where to begin.  And to be honest, I am so damn tired I probably won't even be able to get to half of it!  But I wanted to at least check in.

Today is day 5 and it's going pretty well.  I definitely feel good, and I do notice that I feel more energetic in general.  And get this...I don't even want the snacks I am supposed to have most of the time.  I really haven't been hungry much at all, which really surprises me.  Another weird thing I noticed...my teeth are a little whiter!  LOL I know that is so strange but I think going from drinking SO much pop and water with MIO and such to nothing but a gallon or more of plain water a day is good for my teeth!  Or maybe I'm insane and imagining things.  Either way, I'm going with it. 

Here are my weigh-in's so far for this challenge:
Sunday starting weight: 212.8
Monday: 209.6
Tuesday: 207.6
Wednesday: 207.8
Thursday: 206.2

Initially I didn't have a ton of plans to lose any huge amount on this challenge...was looking for a few pounds, but really just wanted to refocus and get some motivation back.  I have to say though, the results so far have me pretty excited.  I have slightly less than 2 months before the end of my 90-day challenge and I want to win SOOO bad.  In addition, I am 6.3 pounds away from ONEderland!!!  Which I hadn't planned on hitting until June.  It's just really motivating to see the numbers moving.  I know a lot of it is still water weight, but regardless, this is 100% clean eating and that is really showing me how beneficial natural foods are.  To be eating absolutely nothing processed has me feeling better, more energetic and obviously my body agrees with it.  Yes, I am taking their supplements and such, but honestly, I really feel like the food, along with the portions, is the key. 

I haven't been watching my club's leaderboard for the 90-day challenge but I am really curious as to where I would fall right now.  Aaron asked me today if I had looked at it lately (I told them I wouldn't because it screws with my head) and I haven't, but I do want to see it.  He made me a deal that I could look once I'm under 200. I told him that worked because I plan on that happening super soon!  When I started the challenge I was at 226.6.....this morning was at 206.2 so 20 pounds so far!!!  Hopefully I can add a good amount to that in the next two months.  I can tell Aaron is excited too...he is dying for 'his' client to win.  And so am I.  ;)

Lots more to share but bed is calling my name.  And Project Runway.  Priorities!! ;)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Settling In

Today was a better day.  To start, I weighed in this morning at 207.6 which is 2 down from yesterday.  I was so excited to see that number!!  However, at this point I know that 1) I was so sick yesterday I didn't have ANYTHING in my stomach and 2) the loss from this cleanse so far is mostly water weight.  So while the number is motivating, I know it will not keep it up like that.  I need to be prepared for it to stall and vary, and that's ok!  I'm so excited for ONEderland that I can't even stand it, but I will be patient. :)

I'm feeling a lot better today.  I'm still a little shaky and queasy, but I managed to get all my meals in with no problem.  I think I am getting into the groove with things.  I did have a headache off and on but thankfully it wasn't as bad as yesterday.  Fortunately (and unfortunately) I have confirmation today that it's definitely not the cleanse because Jeff is sick as a dog...still is even tonight.  I feel so bad for him!  This season has been a killer for us!  My mom and I spent today cloroxing the house LOL :)  Whatever crazy virus is in this place I want it out!! 

So who watched Biggest Loser last night?  I don't think I have ever been more inspired or motivated by anyone on any season as I was of Danni last night.  I could not believe my eyes when she came on stage.  Unbelievable.  Where was her loose skin??  She was CRAZY buff and SO beautiful.  I am so inspired...especially when I realized that her starting weight was only 3 pounds less than my starting point was.  It makes me so excited to see her, because it shows me what is possible.  Of course, it's going to take me a hell of a lot longer to get there, but I will get there!  I can't wait to see muscles like that in the mirror...to wear a dress like that and have a thin face like that.  I can almost taste it...so sweet. :)

Monday, March 18, 2013

Day 2- What a day!

So today was a weird day.  Got up and had breakfast, etc. just fine, and headed out to the gym.  Got almost 3 miles running in before Jami got there and we walked a couple more together.  Had lunch just fine too, but around 3 this afternoon I felt like I got hit by a truck.  I was shaky, had chills, was weak, really sick to my stomach, and had a MASSIVE headache.  My family has been SO sick lately....Friday night Ian was sick with a bad stomach bug and then had a fever all day Saturday, then that night Jeff got sick and stayed that way the rest of the weekend.  He was still feeling poorly today, and came home with a little stomach issue as well.

I ended up feeling worse and worse until finally it hit me and I had to run to the bathroom where I stayed for awhile.  Then after I felt much better and now, I almost feel normal.  I have a lingering headache, and my stomach is still a little queasy but I was able to eat 'dinner' (couldn't have everything I was supposed to but managed some brown rice and chicken).  So I'm totally confused...I don't know if I was having a reaction to the cleanse, or if I had a weird quick little bug.  Yesterday I felt totally fine so I really don't think it's a bug...and the spark drinks have lots of caffeine so I don't think it's caffeine withdrawal.  The only thing cleanse-related that I think it could be is maybe sugar withdrawal?  I don't know...I'm going to see how tomorrow goes.  If I feel this way again I'm going to have to do some modifying because I canNOT feel like this again.  It was the worst I have felt since I had food poisoning a year or so ago.  My house has been a big sickfest though, so who knows.  Either way, I hope it's over for good!

Until I got sick, I was feeling pretty great again today.  It's so weird because I don't really feel hungry!  I thought I would be starving to death but I haven't had big issues with that (thankfully!).  Here's what my day looks like:

First hting out of bed: Fiber drink, Spark drink
Breakfast: carb/veggie/protein (I have taken the meal replacement shake for this because I am majorly crunched for time in the mornings)
Mid-Morning Snack: healthy fat (like nuts or avocado or something)  & fruit or a Muscle Gain shake and a fruit
Lunch: carb/veggie/protein (today I had 5 egg whites, black beans and salsa and a big bell pepper)
Mid Afternoon Snack: almonds and an orange
Dinner: carb/veggie/protein (chicken with steamed broccoli, brown rice and a salad)
Snack: fruit, 1/2 protein or veggie

So see, it's not too bad!  The biggest obstacle I'm finding is honestly not having dressing or condiments on anything, and actually finding the time to prepare and plan all the meals/snacks at the right times.  It's a lot to prepare for!  But not impossible and I think I will get used to it the longer I do it. 

The best news is this...so I ended up weighing in yesterday at 212.8 which I kind of expected because I splurged and ate some pizza and crap late the night before (hey, I'm not going to eat ANYTHING like that for a long time!  Cut me a break! :) so I knew it wouldn't be pretty.  Well...today, the scale shocked me...it said 209.6.  Crazy!  I know it's a ton of water weight but I'll take it! 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Cleanse - Day 1

So I made it through day 1!  It was better than I expected in some ways and worse in others.  Better because the meal replacement shake, the fiber drink and the muscle gain shake I had today all tasted really good!  I was shocked because I was totally expecting having to force it down but it wasn't hard at all.  Even the fiber drink was easy and tasted really good...that was actually my favorite!  It was also pretty cool because I expected to be super hungry all day and I really wasn't.  I mean, I definitely was ready to eat by meal time but I wasn't starving like I thought I would be. 

The things that weren't as great was just that I already can tell that this is going to be very boring food-wise, and that worries me considering it's only day 1.  I wish I liked fish because that would make things SOOO much easier but I just can't stomach it.  Except for fish sticks, but I don't think I can call that 'fish'!  Haha!  So I am just going to have to look up some Advocare friendly recipes and also get a little inventive with my food choices.  I need to dig out some yummy spices to add to things so I get a little more flavor.  I know I can do this, and I'm definitely deadset on killing this challenge, I just need to get into a groove with some variation on eating choices.  I'll get the hang of it!

One annoying thing that I will admit about this so far is that I am already sick of running to the bathroom to pee!!  I must have gone 15 times today at least!  I have had about a gallon of water today or a little more so I guess it makes sense, but WOW!  I have always had a hard time getting my water in so this is a big change but man, I didn't think about this aspect.  So annoying! LOL!

Day 1 down, 23 more to go!  Feeling awesome:)

Saturday, March 16, 2013

I'm still here!

No worries, I haven't thrown in the towel on the blog/journey/weightloss/etc..  :)  These have DEFINITELY been a couple super hard weeks and to be honest, I really blew it and didn't get back on track as I had planned (with exercise I was on it, but foodwise, not so much!).  Weighed this morning and was at 211 or so (honestly I can't really remember because I knew I was up so I didn't pay a ton of attention).  So I'm up the same 2 pounds that I have been, which is actually kind of a relief after how the last couple weeks have been.  But I am not down about it at all, and like I said, I have been doing pretty good with the exercise.  I just need to get the eating back on track.

That is definitely going to happen too, because tomorrow starts my 24 day cleanse/challenge!  I was supposed to start Thursday but I didn't get everything together so tomorrow is the day!  I am super excited to see how I feel on the vitamins and supplements, to see how it feels to break my food up into 6 small meals instead of the 3 main ones I have now.  I planned out my day tomorrow and got all my food ready (Sundays are crazy, we go all day so I had to get the entire day ready) and while it took me awhile I think once I get through a couple days it will be easier.  I'm not used to eating so often!  Granted, it's not a ton of food but it's frequent, and I'm really going to have to watch the clock.  I'm hoping I will get in the groove quickly.  I am going to weigh every day (or at least every other) of this challenge to monitor the progress.  There are a LOT of veggies and protein in my future!  Oh, and water...lots and lots of water!  Ahhhh!! I am drinking my last Coke Zero right now...hopefully I won't miss it too much!  I also took some pictures tonight (in sports bra and workout pants...NOT posting those here LOL...at least not until I have some hot after pics to go next to them!) so I can compare results at the end.  I did compare them to the shots I took in January and there is a definite difference!  Especially in my waist, hips and face.  And the boobs LOL.  Can't wait to see what can happen in a month of hard concentration on this process.  I'm going to try to update more often here too to track how things are going.

One last thing tonight and then off to bed.  I ran 5K at the gym on Friday!!  I have been upping my treadmill time little by little and decided Friday morning to give it a shot.  And I did it!!  I kept my pace at 4.0 until the very very end when I upped it to 4.5 and then 5.0 (I'm talking the last .1 of a mile haha).  It is so crazy to me because even when I was training with Mandy before I was pregnant, I couldn't even do 2 miles, let alone 3.  I actually got a little emotional on the way home from the gym just thinking about it...running those 3 miles makes me feel like this is all possible.  I will be at a healthy weight again.  I will wear a size 14...size 12 or 10 even?  I will not be embarrassed on vacation in a bathing suit, and I will not be ashamed at the playground when Ian wants me to run and play with him.  I will be the wife I promised Jeff I would be and the mom that my beautiful boys deserve.  I will live the life I am meant to live.  :)

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Glad THAT week is over!!!

Been sitting here for an hour trying to talk myself into writing a post tonight.  I didn't weigh in this weekend because I did so crappy all week I really don't want to know.  I did peek on Thursday or so and was up 2 pounds.  Usually I weigh in on Saturdays but I just didn't want to see it...I already know the week was a mess so I don't really need the number to confirm it.  I'm not trying to avoid it, or make excuses, it's just that with me, seeing a big gain (or a gain at all) really screws with my head and puts me in a bad place.  I know it happens, and I'm okay, I just have to deal with the bumps in the road in my own way. :)  Hopefully by next Saturday I'll be back down and maybe even a loss. 

I don't have an excuse for the week, I just made bad choices.  Ian was sick, and then the baby ended up getting even sicker than him, and the whole week was just a big mess.  I got lazy!  I had to cancel two of my PT sessions and was exhausted from being up with Luke so I even skipped my cardio in the mornings.  Bad choices!  And of course, since I missed my workouts, my mind was in a funk and I was just in a REALLY pissy mood all week long. 

Good news though is that I have snapped out of it! :)  I spent a lot of time tonight remotivating myself, praying about things, and just refocusing on this journey.  I am back on track and excited for tomorrow....dropping Ian off at preschool and then hitting the gym before I even have time to think about it.  Hoping to get 2 miles in jogging before I meet Jami for our treadmill walk for our 6 mile Monday. :)  Tomorrow afternoon is my appointment with the orthopedic doctor to check out my hip, so I'm a little anxious about that.  We'll see what he says!  My luck he'll just tell me I need to stretch more or something!  (Not that I WANT something to be wrong, I just want an explanation!)

So I'll post more on this later, but one thing that has me excited about this week is that on Thursday I have decided to begin the 24 day Advocare Challenge.  It is a 10 day cleanse followed by a 14 day plan of very strict eating.  The food options are not too different from how I have been eating when I am making healthy choices, but it is less fat and no dairy, as well as eating more often but smaller portions.  It also consists of lots of vitamins and supplements, as well as a TON of water.  NO soda.  Honestly, the water and no soda will be the hardest part for me.  But I am looking forward to it in a weird way...I feel like the first of the year was a huge change for me and while I still am so excited about my progress, I need a jump start again and this is just what will give that to me.  We have been so sick this season and I feel so unenergetic; I feel like this cleanse/program will hopefully help me get rid of any toxins hanging around and help me feel refreshed again.  I am not anticipating any huge weight loss as it really is similar to how I have been eating since the new year, but I do think the increase in water and the supplements will help me feel a lot better.  I'll keep you posted!!!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Carry On...

I'm sitting here watching Biggest Loser so I thought it appropriate to do a blog post.  I have NOT made wise eating choices the past couple of days.  This weekend Ian got sick again with a fever that just won't go away and today the main water drain clogged up and flooded the basement.  Good times!!  Luckily the plumber came right away and cleaned it out.  After a nice long day of laundry tomorrow we should be back in business.  I have been in a huge funk and just used everything as an excuse to not eat wisely (which of course, I know, there are no excuses).  I got to talk some things out tonight with my counselor (yep, I see a counselor.  It's awesome, I love her and she helps me a ton.  So there! LOL) and I am feeling much better.  Not sure how this upcoming weekend's weigh-in will be as a result but hey, live and learn I guess.  Can't change the past so there's no point in worrying about it now.  As one of my favorite verses go "may your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground...carry on".  :)

On a positive, I was down 2 more pounds this week!  I'm at 209.  10 pounds away from ONEderland!!  Well, if I'm being technical, 9.1 pounds away! haha!  I also took my measurements and I lost about 5.5 inches in the month of February.  Pretty awesome. 

I was telling Aaron last week how I was feeling frustrated and he gave me an assignment.  Every day I am supposed to write down something I did that day that was positive.  It can be weight or food related, or just something I feel I did a great job with, like the kids or a workout or whatever.  I'm going to really try to do that, because it reminds me of the changes I am making and how hard I am working.  I'm going to call them my daily victories...here are the first couple I wrote down:

1. My workout with Aaron was awesome.  Used a rope ladder for the first time to do agility/cardio stuff and kept pressing on even though I am uncoordinated as hell and must have looked like a total idiot.  :)  Also worked on some core stuff that a couple months ago I would never have been able to do. 

2. Went to Ruby Tuesdays with mom and the boys.  I met Jami there right after Luke was first born and ate a baked potato and some other not wonderful things.  She ordered the salad bar and a grilled chicken breast on the side and I remember thinking, now why don't I order stuff like that?  SO when I went with mom the other day....I had the salad bar.  And a chicken breast.  :)

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Exhausted and Funktastic

Tonight I'm exhausted and in kind of a funk.  The last week or two has been rough!  I've had ear infections that have been driving me crazy...not so much the pain but the fact that I am dizzy and everything sounds like it's underwater.  But worse, Jeff was SO sick over the weekend so I didn't have much down time from taking care of the boys.  Luke has been so crazy fussy the last couple of days that it's been really frustrating (I think he's teething again).  On top of getting up at 5am to get cardio in at the gym on my non-PT days, I'm just tired! 

Tonight all I want is a big huge piece of cake with buttercream frosting, some pizza and a big plate of spaghetti.  Not sure why those specific cravings but that's what's on my mind tonight!  I made spaghetti for everyone last night (I was having brown rice, chicken and veggies) and I had a bite of Ian's.  I haven't had white pasta (or baked potatoes!) since the end of last year and I kind of forgot how great it tastes!  Don't get me wrong, I've had a little bit of white rice, and a roll or something like that here and there...I haven't given them up 100% but I've really limited them.  Tonight I had a salad and it was the last thing I wanted.  I know that I am making great progress but man, for some reason this week is really pushing my buttons.

I think part of my problem today is that before the boys went to bed they were snuggled up next to me so I asked Jeff to take a picture.  Ugh!  I hated how I looked in it!  It's so frustrating to have made so much progress and then still not like what you see, or worse yet, feel as if you don't look like you've made any progress at all.  When am I going to take a picture and like what I see?  When will I stop asking Jeff to take it again over and over until I pose JUST the right way that I approve?  So frustrating. 

I'm not giving up, I'm not going to go binge, or anything like that, and I'm still going to the gym in the morning.  I will push past this.  But tonight, I'm going to let myself be a little pissed off.  Tomorrow will be a new day.

Monday, February 25, 2013

The big 5-0!!

Big week!  50 POUNDS ARE GONE FOREVER!!  Weighed in this weekend at 211 and I almost cried.  I didn't think there was any way in hell I was going to reach that goal this week so I was shocked when I stepped on that scale Saturday.  211 even.  I am so close to my Chicago goal I can taste it.  THAT will be a wonderful day.  It will be such a big deal for so many reasons....it will be my lowest weight since I gained all these pounds in the first place, it will be UNDER 200!!!  It will be my drivers license weight, it will have a 1 in front of it.  I can't even believe it's getting so close.  I'm really going to try to hit that goal by the end of March...which would be even more amazing because it would be nearly three months early.  Not getting too excited but it sure would be awesome!

I also was able to run 1.5 miles today!  I meet with Jami on Mondays for cardio, and normally we walk 6 miles, either outside or on the treadmill.  Today in the middle of our walk she had to go take care of something so I decided to put on my headphones and try my mile run again.  I was about 3/4 of a mile in and I felt really good!  I thought I'd try today for 1.25, but when I got there I still felt ok, so I did a little more and when Jami came back I only had .2 left to get to 1.5!  So we chatted (ok, she mostly chatted, I mostly huffed and puffed) and before I knew it I was at a mile and a half!  Which is even more awesome for me because when she came back I had to take my headphones off and I CANNOT run without my music.  But I guess I discovered I can! (at least .2 miles haha) So yay! NSV for me today!

Bad news is my hip is killing me tonight.  I had noticed the last few days whenever I would run any significant distance (significant to me;)  my hip would be a little sore.  Today, it is REALLY sore.  I still have my appointment scheduled with the orthopedic surgeon in a couple weeks, which I was going to either cancel or let my husband go (he has a hip issue too) but I am thinking I may just want to go and make sure nothing is wrong.  If it hurts like this now, I can't imagine how it might feel at 3 or 4 miles. 

Anyway.  I am feeling really thankful tonight for all the support I have along this journey.  I am so blessed to have such great family and friends to help push me and encourage me, and also so many internet friends....an amazing network of online groups/pages/people that are going through the same things I am, experiencing the same struggles and celebrating the same victories.  I feel like God has really shown me this is finally the path I am meant to be on to get my life back.  This is what He wants for me and it is evident by seeing all the amazing wonderful supportive people around me.  So thankful!  We can do this!!! 

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Hopeful!

Sorry I've been MIA...time has gotten away from me!!  And to be honest I've been exhausted.  I've been trying to get to bed a little earlier than normal lately since I've been getting up at 5 a couple times a week, so I haven't had a lot of time to write.  I'd write during the day but the newly-crawling (kinda LOL) baby is making it difficult to accomplish much!

Things have been really good.  I was down a couple more pounds this past weekend...2 more and I'll hit my 50 pounds gone.  SO excited for that I can't even stand it.  Then only 12 pounds after that and I'll be under 200!!!!  AND that will be my Chicago goal hit as well (which was for June 27!).  My friend Desiree' over at http://skinnygeekwithin.blogspot.com/ is doing an amazing job getting healthy and she is almost under 200 as well....she calls it ONEderland.  Isn't that awesome?  I love it!  So, I'm almost in ONEderland and I can't wait!  I can't even imagine what that will be like....I'm pretty sure when I see 199 on the scale I will cry.  Hell, I get emotional thinking about seeing 211.  So exciting:)

The workouts have been awesome and I'm finally getting into the groove.  Aaron and Jami are really turning things up a notch and my body is definitely feeling it.  I am pretty sore most days and tired but it's getting easier and I'm even excited for each workout because I know we'll be doing new things and I'll be accomplishing something else each time.  I've graduated to 'intermediate' chair pilates and some level 3 reformer stuff which is amazing!  Aaron has me doing things in training that I wouldn't think I would be able to do (at least not for another 20-30 pounds or so).  PLUS yesterday AND today I finally reached my mile running!!  I have been struggling so bad getting up to a mile but I finally did it!  I can't wait to increase it bit by bit.  I'll be feeling like a runner again before I know it!

Haven't posted any pics of the kids lately so I thought I'd share a couple tonight.  My little man (almost 9 months!) got his first haircut today (I know he's so young but it was SOOO long!) and then we went to COSI for the afternoon.  It was such a fun day!  Here's my little guy Luke with his new short hair...



Here's my sweetheart Ian being goofy:)



And just for kicks, here's one of me playing on their balance board. What I love about this pic is that my shirt falls straight down...it doesn't get stuck on my belly anymore! (THIS shirt at least! :) I saw this pic and it gives me hope of how much more is possible. :)

Friday, February 15, 2013

You only have to be accountable to yourself...

Happy Valentine's Day!  Well, belated Valentine's Day I guess.  We didn't do anything special since we went out for a nice dinner last weekend, but Jeff did bring me home roses...and a cadbury egg.  Ugh!!! They are my favorite and a huge weakness for me.  (I know, you either love them or hate them...most people I know think they are the grossest thing ever).  I had him put it away until the weekend and I'm going to have it as my treat after weigh in:)  I'm not being as loose as normal on my weigh-in day but I am going to let myself have that!  To top it off, Ian had his preschool Valentine's party today and brought home a TON of yummy treats!  I couldn't believe all the things in his cute little Valentine's box.  I had sent along with his Valentines a little heart shaped egg with candies in it for all his classmates, but most parents did little goody bags with all kinds of candies and treats, and the teacher made adorable heart shaped iced cookies for the kids to take home.  So cute!  And so tempting!  So far so good but man, that candy is calling my name!  But I know this is just the beginning because Easter is around the corner so I've got to stay strong! LOL:)

So I'm almost a week into my challenge and feeling really good.  I have done really well with my food choices and my exercise has been AWESOME.  First time in a long time I've had a hardcore workout 6 days in a row and it felt really great.  I definitely have felt it physically, I've been really tired and sore, but it's wonderful to be back in somewhat of a routine again.  I got on the scale a couple times and it hadn't really budged from Monday but we'll see how the weigh-in goes this weekend.  I think I am getting some kind of cold or bug so that may be part of it, who knows.  Hopefully I'll see some kind of loss this weekend!

My one mistake of the week was to get on the gym's website and look at the leaderboard.  I initially thought there were 35 people total (men and women) signed up, but evidently there were a lot of last minute registrations.  There are 50 women in the challenge.  Fifty!!  When I saw that, to be honest, the first thing I thought was screw this, I'm going to go eat a pizza.  It just seems so unattainable to win when you are up against so many people.  It just got in my head I guess.  So the next day at my session with Aaron I told him about it.  He gave me a pep talk and reminded me that I don't have to (and shouldn't) think about or worry about any of those people....I only have to be accountable to myself.  I don't have to answer to any of them, and I don't need to worry about any of their progress on this journey.  I only have to worry about myself.  And ultimately, while I really really want to win for SO many reasons, the important thing is the change that I am making in myself.  THAT will be the real reward.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

And we're off!!

Day 3 and I am sore as hell.  I know the challenge started so we are stepping it up a bit but wow.  Had pilates after my weigh in Sunday morning and was already feeling it in my arms and abs by that night.  Then yesterday Jami and I decided to do cardio outside since it was somewhat bearable (although the wind was insane!) and ended up walking a very hilly 6.6 miles.  Ugh!  Felt awesome but man am I beat!  This morning was training with Aaron, and then I did a couple miles on the treadmill (just an easy walk).  Training today was great!  We are doing PT now 2x a week, then pilates on the weekend, which was my old schedule with Mandy (when I won the 90 day before heehee:)  so it feels SO awesome to be back in that routine.  It was definitely an overcoming fears kind of day.  First time doing box jumps (and by 'box' at this point I mean the step platform with no raisers...not even a box yet LOL but I'll get there!), and then some new core stuff with the ball and those little platforms on wheels.  Not easy.  But it feels good to be challenging myself and taking it up a notch. 

Weigh-in was great.  I had to try to not let the weight on that scale freak me out because it was a lot higher than I thought it would be.  It's obviously a different scale that I haven't weighed on before so I know it could already be off from what I have at home.  I did have breakfast and some water before I went in (it's the initial kick-off weigh-in, why not right?) and while I normally weigh in at home with nothing on, obviously I was dressed at the gym (now THAT would be weird! haha) so I know that all makes a difference too.  And....like I said, I wasn't too strict on my diet last week.  So at the gym I weighed in at 226.6.  I weighed several times before I left the house, with and without clothes/water and got variations between 218 and 221.  I wanted to have a measure at home so I could see where I was to start... SOOO that's where I am for the beginning of the contest!  This morning I was at 215.8.  The last couple of days I've been crazy strict with my food and drank lots and lots of water so I'm not surprised to be shedding some water weight.  I will probably weigh myself a little more often during these 90 days just to try to keep focused and stay on track.  I'm so excited for this competition.  I had Jami take new pics of me so I could see my exact starting point...I know my pics in 3 months from now will look so different!  Very excited to push myself.  Feels good to finally be in control of something! 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Less Quit, More Fit

So this is it folks!  Tomorrow starts my 90 day challenge.  So excited!  I meet Jami at the gym at 7:30 to weigh in and off we go!  I am so ready for this.  My pastor recently did a series of teachings on Nehemiah...long story short, he was an ordinary man who became the cupbearer (high ranking officer) to the Persian King.  He was also a man of God and was worried about the fate of Jerusalem.  Nehemiah ended up leaving his safe and secure position in Persia to go motivate and help his people rebuild the wall around Jerusalem that had been destroyed.  The first thing Nehemiah did was pray to God, and the next thing he did was trust...then he took action.  And that wall was rebuilt in 52 days.  4.5 miles long, 26 feet high built by nothing but their own two hands.  Less than 2 months!  With God all things are possible...Nehemiah knew that, and so do I!  In 52 days that wall was rebuilt.  I can't WAIT to see what change and rebuilding can happen in me in 90! 


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Hardcore!!!

Two pounds down last week!  So pumped.  Currently at 216.4....only 16.5 pounds to hit my Chicago goal, and that is not until June 27th!  I definitely think I'll be able to knock that one out pretty good. 

Pretty excited this week...my 90 day challenge starts on Sunday!!!  I weigh in Sunday morning and weigh out on May 11th.  I'm anxious but SOOOO pumped up...I really want to kick this competition's ass!  I'm going to be honest...I am definitely NOT being very strict on my eating this week (it hasn't been pretty) but only because I am buckling down like crazy after this challenge starts and after Sunday I'll be super strict for quite awhile.  I'm not going crazy this week or anything, but I'm definitely not eating 'clean' like I have been and I've snacked a little more than I would normally.  I'm not going to weigh in this week...I will weigh at the gym for the 90 days but as for my own tracking I will just skip this week.  I'll be back to official weigh in's next weekend, I promise!  I just wanted to give myself a little boost for the initial weigh in.  Probably doesn't make sense to most but it makes sense in my head LOL:)

I met with Jami and Aaron last weekend to get a game plan for the competition.  I have a detailed schedule of workouts that I will follow for the next three months starting Sunday....

Sunday: pilates with Jami, light cardio
Monday: cardio with Jami
Tuesday: PT with Aaron
Wednesday: cardio, foam roll
Thursday: PT with Aaron
Friday: cardio, foam roll
Saturday: REST, foam roll

A couple days after PT I will do some light cardio too just as a bonus but that is the basic plan.  Eating wise I am going to keep doing what I'm doing but tighten up on Saturdays which I have been using as a looser eating day.  Also, I'm going to TRY to skip the dessert at my in-laws on Sundays.  At least the majority of the time;)  And the pop.  Ohhhh my diet coke.  Here's an idea I had...I am thinking of totally giving up pop for the challenge.  Every cell in my being begs against that decision but I am feeling led to give it up.  I'm going to try to approach it like a spiritual fast...I will need strength from God for this challenge...to stick with it and to stay focused, and I feel like completely giving up my pop will help me to lean on Him in prayer during those challenging times.  I haven't decided 100% but I am going to pray about it and decide by Sunday.  I know it's not healthy for me to drink so much of it, and water is always SOOO much better, so I know it's a good decision all the way around, it's just really hard!!  So we'll see!

I want to say that I am NOT fooling myself into thinking I will do perfectly on this, I will not do everything right and I am sure I will have things that I probably shouldn't.  There will be days I won't get my cardio in, and days that I won't have as much water as I should.  I am also not saying that this plan is something I will do until I lose all my weight...I know it is a little overly strict and challenging...I am just trying to stick to this for the competition.  I am trying to approach this challenge hardcore....I am in it to win it!!!  90 days to a healthier me! :)

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Gotta start somewhere!!

Had a great workout day.  Met with my trainer this morning and had a good hour of strength training.  It's been a weird warm couple of days here in Ohio and that for some reason makes the gym HOT.  I was already starting to sweat before I even got off the treadmill from warming up.  By the end of the hour I was a gross mess!  But it felt awesome.  It's sometimes still hard for me to not get bothered that I can't do more...I feel like I shouldn't get out of breath so easily or have to rest so much.  I hate when Aaron says 'just catch your breath for a second, it's ok'.  But then I try to remember where I was when I started and how I could never have done any of the things I am doing now back then.  I always feel like I should apologize if I have to rest, or if I have a hard time with something...I try not to but I just don't want him to think that I'm weak or something.  He has another client and whenever she says something negative he makes her do burpees.  He reminds me of that sometimes and asks if I want to do burpees...that usually shuts me right up. ;)

After training today I decided to kill another hour or so on the treadmill while Luke was still at the gym's childcare center.  It was awesome!  Felt so good.  I haven't tried to run a whole lot since my hip had been hurting but it's been feeling a lot better so the other day I decided just to give it a shot.  Jami and I had walked for about 5 or so miles so when we were done I decided to just try it for a quarter mile.  The hip has been feeling so much better, and I really have no explanation as to why.  I tried a different pair of shoes for a couple of weeks and that seemed to help, but I was getting blisters so horribly that I went back to my old ones.  So I tried that quarter mile and it went awesome!  Look, I know that's basically nothing, but with how bad my hip had been aching it was a lot, and the C25K I was doing only had me at 1 min at a time.  I was proud of myself!  So today, I decided it was half mile time.  I walked a mile and a half and then turned it up and just told myself to get to 2 miles.  And I did!  I actually probably could have gone a little longer...and that is AFTER an hour of training!  I am really feeling excited about my progress.  I can't wait to hop on the treadmill and see how far I can go when I'm not already worn out.  And guess what......no hip pain!  I can't believe it feels so much better.  I guess all I had to do was make an appointment with the doctor haha:)  If this keeps up I'm just going to cancel it.  Yay!

So excited for the future!  I love this feeling of strength:)  I can do this!!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Success!

This week has felt like the longest week ever!  Last weekend I was so sick with an awful stomach virus, and now this weekend Jeff has a bug.  On top of that Luke and I both are sick (maybe a sinus infection for me) and it is freezing cold outside.  I can't wait for Spring!!

Lots of successes to share today!  My weight this morning was 218.4!  I am SO excited!  That is down 1.8 from last week and 42.6 total.  This number for me is awesome for a number of reasons:

* I made my Valentines Day goal!  And 2+ weeks early!  I wanted to be under 220 by Valentines Day and here we are!  I'd love to get under 215 by then since I have a couple weeks but we'll see how it goes.  I did super great this week and lost 1.8 so I think it's finally slowing down/evening out.  Which is fine! 1-2 pounds a week is perfect.

* I'm out of the 220's!  I can't even remember the last time that happened.  It is SO nice to see the teens on the scale.  And even closer to a 211 which will be 50 pounds which will feel amazing:)

* My BMI is finally under 40!!!  So exciting!  Still ridiculous and I have a long way to go but I was really looking forward to finally being out of the 40's so that is awesome.

A couple of other NSV's (non-scale victories:) this week too! 

* I realized that I can button my winter coat all the way down instead of just the top two buttons.  It is a Liz Claiborne size 16, which I totally don't understand because I'm not even close to wearing size 16 jeans yet but I'll take it!

* I was able to put on and button my TIGHT jeans with no problem!  I bought them after Luke was born thinking they would fit in a week or two and I have never been able to wear them.  They are super low rise and I haven't even been able to button them.  On a whim I tried them on yesterday morning and lo and behold!  I still want to wait a couple more weeks to wear them out because I still have a heck of a muffin top but I'm on my way! :)

* I am wearing my old gym shirts again!  I bought them when I was at my lowest weight with Mandy and stopped when I got pregnant.  I haven't been able to wear them since, they were just too tight and uncomfortable after Luke was born.  I put one on the other day just to give it a shot and they fit better then ever!

* Lastly, I was going through my closet trying to find something to wear and decided to put on a 14/16 shirt that I haven't worn in forever.  I tried it a few months ago and it was so tight it was ridiculous.  It's been hiding in my closet ever since (where it's been for a couple years).  I tried it on and here it is.....

Wooo Hoooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!