Trust the Process

You're never going to lose the weight.

When are you ever going to be successful at something?

You should have learned a healthier way to eat a long time ago, it's too late now.

You might as well eat whatever you want today, you're not getting anywhere anyway.

You fail at most things, why would this be any different?

 

Why is everything always so hard?  

Yep, these are all thoughts that come to me as I stand looking at a scale that won't go down.  I've been working really hard but things numbers-wise aren't cooperating and that has had my motivation waning the last day or two.  I talked with my trainer/friend this morning and I feel a lot better (I also promised to avoid the scale for a bit), but I've spent a lot of time today reflecting on why I put so much importance on the number on the scale.  I can tell I am building muscle, especially in my arms and legs, and I wore a shirt a few days ago that used to be way too small, so I know I am making progress.  You can't exercise and eat the way I am without becoming more fit.  It's just fact.  I don't why the numbers won't show it, but I have to trust the process and trust that my body will show the results even if the scale won't.  

Earlier today I watched the latest episode of Extreme Makeover.  I have mixed feelings about shows like that, but just seeing such a huge change in people is really motivating to me, so I watch.  The woman on this episode had her breakthrough when she stopped viewing herself as a victim.  It resonated with me, because I realized that that is my problem too.  All those thoughts that run through my head when I'm disappointed by the scale (or a friend, or my kids, or anything!) are just pathetic!  Everyone goes through things in their lives that aren't easy.  Everybody has rough patches but the fact of the matter is, life goes on!  You can't change the past but I'll tell you one thing you have control over and that is your future!  I have to put my confidence in MYSELF and not in a stupid piece of plastic and metal.  I CAN (and will) succeed on this journey, and I refuse to let that little victim voice in my head tell me that I can't.  I am not who I used to be, and I like this girl a lot more than the old one. ;)

Ready

I know I'm really bad about keeping this blog updated; I always plan to get more active with it and then never get around to doing it.  But I am trying to change that!  Thanks to anyone taking the time to read, despite how sporadic I am.

Started the year off at an all time high of 265.6.  Crazy!  Spent the last 6 months or so up and down the same 10 pounds, getting serious for a bit and then throwing in the towel for awhile.  The first time I was really successful at weight-loss (before the year from hell) I can't tell you what initiated it.  I was just sick of it.  Something inside me told me it was time.  And with strength from God I stepped up and I did it (it's the only explanation for me being able to actually start to change..I definitely couldn't do it on my own).  I lost 70 pounds and I was healthy and strong!  It wasn't a bad picture that set me off, a rude comment or a pair of jeans that didn't fit, something inside me just switched.  And for a long time I did awesome...nothing was going to get me off track.  But then life happened, and I allowed myself to make excuses (when instead I should have been using healthy food and exercise as a therapy through it all!) and before I knew it, it was January 2015 and I had gained back every single pound plus a few.

I am so pumped right now because a couple of weeks ago, I think that switch was flipped again.  I just felt ready, like it was time to step it up.  So I started tracking again on My Fitness Pal, and I really started hitting the gym hard.  I've been doing 2 pilates sessions and 2 training sessions a week, but I wasn't doing a lot of cardio.  So I added treadmill work every day.  Some days I just walk at a decent pace 4-5 miles, some days I crank up the incline, and some days I try to get back to my running (today I was able to run 5K!!!!  And in 49 minutes!  Which I know is slow to some but to me that is awesome!!).  Going every day might seem a little much but you know what?  I have spent the majority of my life being lazy.  Most of the days of my life have been rest days, and that is what got me to where I am today!  So for the last couple weeks I have worked my butt off and my eating and water has been on point.  I've cut out the sugar and a lot of the carbs as well as the soda.  I'm actually really loving my veggies!  What?!?

So that's where I'm at right now.  I weighed in this morning at 249, so I'm at 16.6 pounds and counting.  It probably would be more but I discovered this week that my hypothyroid was screwed up again so I had to increase my meds. In a week or two that will regulate and the weight loss will be a bit easier.  I can already tell a difference in my waist, arms and legs (a lot of that is the PT I've been doing...she kicks my ass!) but most of all, I just FEEL better.  I'm calmer, happier, less anxious.  And proud.  I am really proud of how hard I am working.  I MISSED that feeling!

I post a lot on Instagram to help hold myself accountable but I want to do more updates here too. There have been so many people that have been so inspiring to me, so many that continue to be incredibly supportive.  I am so thankful for that and I hope that someday I can be that person for someone too.

Blog Therapy

I'm posting right now only as a means of therapy for myself today.  It has been a rainy week and today we are having some storms.  Our french drain backed up this afternoon for the first time since we fixed the patio and I had a little freak out moment.  I talked myself through it, prayed through it and reminded myself that we got a TON of rain in just a few minutes and it's normal for that to happen...it drained within a minute of the rain lightening up and I know everything is fine.

But here I am.  And how pathetic I feel that this is what is occupying my mind.  In fact, some of you reading this may be rolling your eyes or wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It is embarrassing even to admit but this is what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder does to someone. It is like a parasite that latches on to one little event, one tiny thought in your brain and it just starts to gnaw away until it grows bigger and bigger and your heart starts racing, you feel nervous flutters in your stomach, you start to sweat, and you can't do or think about anything else but that.

For some people with OCD it takes washing their hands 14 times to make the thought 'ok'.  Or maybe they have to walk in and out of the doorway 7 times and then everything is alright.  Mine (fortunately/unfortunately?) is primarily obsessions with no real compulsions.  So there isn't any definite action I can take to rid myself of my thoughts.  My only rescue is praying through it until I feel relief, 'asking' my way through it (asking other people to reassure me that it's nothing to worry about) or just talking myself out of it, which is always difficult.  Sometimes I do 'check' things...(the basement, the porch, the ceilings) but even checking doesn't usually relieve the thoughts.

Don't get me wrong, I am doing AWESOME.  God has blessed me and answered my prayers with so many gifts; coping mechanisms, successful medication and the best support system I could ever hope for.  Life for the most part is back to normal from the craziness of last year (as 'normal' as I get, haha!) but there are still days that are difficult.  One thing that has been hard for me to accept is that this is never going to go away.  I hate it so much and it is so exhausting, it would be much easier to just be able to get rid of it completely.  But that is not how mental illness works.  It ebbs and flows, it has ups and downs.

I have been struggling the past several months with my feelings about the diagnosis, about why this intensified so much out of nowhere, and honestly about why I have to struggle with this at all.  While I've known since I was little something was different about me and the way my brain worked, this past year has changed me as a person...I am not the same girl I was a year ago.  In MANY ways.  I want to talk about it, I want to share how it feels, I want to process all this, I want to spread awareness.  But I don't want to burden anyone in my life as this past year was hard on them too, and quite honestly I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it.  So I am here to process.  I know this blog was/is primarily about my road back to being physically healthy, but I'm getting back to being mentally healthy as well so this is part of my journey.  Now that I am in such a better place, I really feel like I need to honor this past year, give it the respect it deserves, because it was huge.  It turned my world upside down, it literally scared me nearly to death, it changed my relationships, it opened my eyes to many things, it grew my understanding of and my relationship with God, it absolutely changed my life.  And while of course I wish I didn't have this experience to write about, everything happens for a purpose.  I truly believe that I am where I am supposed to be in this life and I am proud of how this past year has shaped me.  Things might be a little more difficult day to day then they used to be but I am also a lot stronger.  It feels good to know and really BELIEVE, that no matter what happens, what worries or struggles may come, I will be okay.  I will make it through.

You are so much more than a number!!

Lately all I can think about is our upcoming vacation.  Next month we are heading to Puerto Rico for a couple days and then on a Caribbean cruise.  The kids are staying home so this is just us and I cannot wait.  We did this exact cruise in December of 2013 and to be honest, it was an awful vacation and it was all my fault.  Trips for us are so important to our marriage...we really reconnect and since we have no distractions we get to talk and spend lots of time together that we normally don't get at home.  It is something that is very special to both of us.  But last time, I was SO distracted.  First, I had chipped a tooth the week before we went and even though I got it repaired the day before we left I was still a mess and super anxious.  When we landed it was raining and somehow that got into my head and I couldn't let it go.  I started worrying about what the weather might be like coming home from our trip (we tend to have awful luck when it comes to weather and travel) and it took over all my thoughts the entire week.  I must have looked so strange all week...I would wear headphones in the lounges to keep from hearing other people's conversations for fear they would mention JFK (our connection), or a storm that MIGHT be coming (there wasn't one).  I wouldn't read the news that would come to our room every day because it had a weather update in it and I didn't want to read something bad might be coming.  Same with the TV..I made Jeff keep it on sports the whole time for fear of possibly seeing a newscast.  I spent the entire time fearful for absolutely no reason other than the fact that my brain was stuck.  I couldn't shake it and because of that it overtook all my thoughts and energy.  We didn't have nice conversations, we didn't have relaxing time by the pool or intimate romantic dinners.  We had a week of anxiety and a week of me asking Jeff a million times a day if everything was going to be okay.  I was so distracted I felt so awful and so bad for him as I totally ruined the trip for both of us.

So this trip next month is my do-over.  I have finally gotten these struggles under control and I am so excited to go and ENJOY myself.  To talk, relax, reconnect, all the wonderful things we look forward to on vacation.  I am so happy to be feeling better and nothing is going to stop me from having an amazing time.  My normal stress for vacations before the OCD issues got really bad was my weight...I was always so stressed out about being heavy and trying to find the perfect suit to make me look better, the perfect cocktail dress to keep from being embarrassed.  Ugh, so much energy worrying about what other people would think about what I looked like!  Even up to a month or two ago I was stressing about how to lose the most weight before the trip.  But something came over me the first of the year.  It doesn't matter if I go at the weight I am now or if I was 50 pounds lighter...I am the same person either way.  I amount to more than what the numbers on the scale says!  I don't need anyone's approval to make ME enjoy my trip (or my life!).  I went through too much last year and grew too much as a person to waste my energy worrying about being embarrassed of what I look like.  So I made a decision when I started this journey again at the first of the year to stop beating myself up.  If I lose some weight before the trip that is awesome, but I don't need to go crazy and starve myself or some other craziness to lose SO MUCH weight beforehand.  I decided that from now on my life will be one of health and good habits.  A life where I don't care what some stranger on a cruise might think about my swimsuit or my dress.  A life where I love myself instead of belittling who I am and what I look like.

And you know what's funny?  Once I made that decision my excitement for this trip, and even for life on a daily basis, multiplied astronomically.  I look forward to every single thing about this vacation, and I can honestly say I haven't felt that way in a really really long time.  This time I will be making up for all the wasted moments I've had worrying about so many unnecessary things....the weather, my clothes, my weight, our flights, all those things that took up space in my mind.  I am so thankful that God has allowed me to grow in Him and realize who I am as a person, and more importantly who I'm NOT.  :)

This is the year!

We are only two weeks into 2015 and I already feel like so much has happened!  That is the problem with my being a inconsistent blogger....I end up with too much to say in one post!  Gotta work on more frequent postings. :)

First off, I'm really proud to say that I'm down 11 pounds so far this month!  6 pounds last week, and 5 this week.  I know progress won't always be so awesome but it's a good place to start!  I've been working really hard with my nutrition.  I've given up sugar completely for the time being...I think that I am going to try to stick with it until vacation (Feb 26th!) and then be very limited after that.  I've also given up white carbs for the most part.  While I have had rice, mashed potatoes, etc. here and there, I have given up the rolls with dinner, bread, etc..  Really I just have carbs (esp white carbs) once a day.  And I'm drinking tons and tons of water! I do allow myself a coke zero as long as I've had at least 8 glasses of water first.  But even a coke zero feels like a treat!

It's so funny how much you start to enjoy food when you start eating to LIVE instead of living to EAT.  For a snack sometimes I have cherries and it amazes me how simple and sweet they are.  I know it may sound silly, but when you cut out sugar your tastebuds start to recognize NATURAL sweetness and everything just tastes better.  You're all probably laughing at me right now but it's really amazing to me!  It just shows you how crappy my eating has been for so long now!  I had a rice cake with peanut butter the other day and honest to goodness it was like the best treat ever!  It is so great to be able to ENJOY healthy food instead of being annoyed with it.

The other factor that's helping with this progress is MOVEMENT!  I've tried to be a lot more focused on my fitbit so I am constantly moving.  I don't always hit my 10,000 steps a day but I try!  I'm still at my 2 pilates sessions a week (LOVE!) and I'm trying to get at least a couple treadmill 5K's in a week as well.  I am still slow as can be but I'm getting there!  I did my 1st official (virtual) 5K of 2015 on the first, and have another one coming up on the 24th (that one downtown...PLEASE let it be at least 30 degrees!).  It feels so amazing to be back in the gym and back to eating healthy.  I really feel like a new person this year.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and last year was just preparing me to be in the place I am now.  I feel so strong and so confident, I know it won't happen overnight (or even close) but I have no doubt that this is the time for me to change and finally live a healthy life...physically AND mentally.  This is our year my friends, we can do it!!!  :)