Free

So the last few days I've spent some time reading over some of my past posts, as well as looking over and changing some of the pictures, descriptions, etc. on the main page of this site. If I'm honest, seeing how I described myself and looking at the old pictures I had up kind of embarrasses me. I have spent so much time dwelling on the past that it makes me sick. I'm not denying it, I own it, I wrote it and it's how I felt. But viewing my life that way was holding me back.

In my last entry I mentioned that the best thing Mandy has taught me so far is that it doesn't matter what I USED to be. A year ago I could safely say I probably thought about my "skinny days" nearly every day. I carried pictures of myself of when I was thin (for motivation....or was it to prove to people that I actually COULD look good...as least I did at one point!?), I obsessed over it, thought about it all the time. And while some of those thoughts did motivate, overall they basically took a metaphorical sledgehammer to any self-esteem, confidence or optimism I had for the path I was on.

I realized the other day that it has been weeks, maybe months, since I looked at old pictures, or thought about what I 'used' to be. Instead I've had nothing but excitement for what I am becoming. I'm finally able to picture myself healthy, at a healthy weight, doing healthy things. When I look in the mirror and I see definition on my arms, or a I see a muscle starting to become more noticable on my legs....THAT is my motivation. That is what excites me, pushes me, makes me hopeful and optimistic. It makes me know that I can change, that I AM changing. It's not a picture from 13 years ago...it's reality standing right in front of me. And it is so freeing.

Dear Blog

Dear blog, it's been almost a year since my last post. :) And what a year it's been! To recap everything would take pages and pages so I'll just mention the important stuff. My sweet wonderful boy is now almost 3 years old...I'll write a post just about him soon, but for now I'll just say this: I think I am finally 'getting' this motherhood thing. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the entire world, and I feel like I struggled (and still do quite often) so much with patience, understanding, empathy, and just HOW to be a good mom. But I think I am finally catching on. And I'm actually kinda loving it:) Here's a pic of my sweet little man for your viewing pleasure! Did I mention he LOVES stickers?




So my life looks a lot different than it did a year ago. In January something came over me and I decided that if I was ever going to get healthy again I needed to really commit to a better lifestyle. So I sent an email to Lifetime (my gym) and asked to be set up with a personal trainer. This is how I met Mandy. I was SO scared to walk into that gym and meet her (think near panic attack). Our first session was insane for me. On top of being just outright embarrassed for the way I looked in my workout clothes, all hot and sweaty, I actually literally fell over trying to do lunges. We could only get through half of the workout she had planned, and for the next couple of days I thought I would die from soreness. But I showed up to meet her again. And again. And since January 9th, I have met with her 3x a week nearly every week. I've also recently joined her 6AM TEAM WeightLoss cardio/strength training class. So we see each other 6 times a week. She is the most positive, encouraging, understanding, motivating and kind trainer and I am SOOOO thankful that I was matched with her. Working out has become fun and something I am actually starting to crave when I miss it. Food is becoming less important to me and I'm finding myself thinking about it less and less. I am starting to like myself again. I still have my bad days but I am starting to be able to look at the good and what I have acomplished instead of what I haven't, and what I have yet to do. In the past almost 6 months I:

- have been to the gym almost every single day except Sundays
- have learned how to stop eating when I start feeling full
- have realized that no food is ever off limits and I don't have to deprive myself
- have way more energy than I have had in years
- don't get out of breath nearly as easily as I did before
- don't have any chest pains:)
- play with Ian so much more, carry him around so much more, pick him up more, on and on:)
- recognize/say hi to the trainers/gym peeps and they recognize/say hi to me and ask how I'm doing
- have joined a TEAM class....I have NEVER participated in a workout class in my life!
- have learned to listen to my body more
- have noticed muscle definition in my arms and legs
- am so much stronger!
- have learned and regularly do lunges, reverse lunges, lateral lunges, lunges on the BOSU ball......(I FELL 6 months ago people!!;)
- am wearing clothes I haven't worn in a long time
- have entered another 90 day challenge and am currently at 4th place with 4 weeks left (I dropped out of the last one!)
- don't hate the way I look anymore!
- have dropped a pant size and 2 shirt sizes
- have lost almost 30 pounds
- am almost (2 more pounds!!!) back to the weight I was when I got pregnant with Ian
- am not fearful of the gym anymore
- eat like a normal person!!
- am doing exercises that I never thought I would be able to do
- do 35 lb barbell rows and deadlifts (may not seem like a lot, but compared to where I started!)
- have learned never to judge a certain exercise I see as too hard or too easy before I try it myself
- have realized that this is a lifestyle, not a temporary thing, not a chore, not a passing challenge. It's for life.
- The most important thing Mandy has taught me: It doesn't matter what I USED to be. It matters what I am now and where I am going.

I have a really long way to go but I feel so much better about myself, about life, and my future than I have in years. I weighed 234 on the scale this morning and I am so proud to say that. I started in January at 261 and I will never see that number again. The support from my family and friends and my relationship with Mandy has changed my outlook and attitude in a way that has saved my life.