Free

So the last few days I've spent some time reading over some of my past posts, as well as looking over and changing some of the pictures, descriptions, etc. on the main page of this site. If I'm honest, seeing how I described myself and looking at the old pictures I had up kind of embarrasses me. I have spent so much time dwelling on the past that it makes me sick. I'm not denying it, I own it, I wrote it and it's how I felt. But viewing my life that way was holding me back.

In my last entry I mentioned that the best thing Mandy has taught me so far is that it doesn't matter what I USED to be. A year ago I could safely say I probably thought about my "skinny days" nearly every day. I carried pictures of myself of when I was thin (for motivation....or was it to prove to people that I actually COULD look good...as least I did at one point!?), I obsessed over it, thought about it all the time. And while some of those thoughts did motivate, overall they basically took a metaphorical sledgehammer to any self-esteem, confidence or optimism I had for the path I was on.

I realized the other day that it has been weeks, maybe months, since I looked at old pictures, or thought about what I 'used' to be. Instead I've had nothing but excitement for what I am becoming. I'm finally able to picture myself healthy, at a healthy weight, doing healthy things. When I look in the mirror and I see definition on my arms, or a I see a muscle starting to become more noticable on my legs....THAT is my motivation. That is what excites me, pushes me, makes me hopeful and optimistic. It makes me know that I can change, that I AM changing. It's not a picture from 13 years ago...it's reality standing right in front of me. And it is so freeing.