'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Trust the Process

You're never going to lose the weight.

When are you ever going to be successful at something?

You should have learned a healthier way to eat a long time ago, it's too late now.

You might as well eat whatever you want today, you're not getting anywhere anyway.

You fail at most things, why would this be any different?
Why is everything always so hard?  

Yep, these are all thoughts that come to me as I stand looking at a scale that won't go down.  I've been working really hard but things numbers-wise aren't cooperating and that has had my motivation waning the last day or two.  I talked with my trainer/friend this morning and I feel a lot better (I also promised to avoid the scale for a bit), but I've spent a lot of time today reflecting on why I put so much importance on the number on the scale.  I can tell I am building muscle, especially in my arms and legs, and I wore a shirt a few days ago that used to be way too small, so I know I am making progress.  You can't exercise and eat the way I am without becoming more fit.  It's just fact.  I don't why the numbers won't show it, but I have to trust the process and trust that my body will show the results even if the scale won't.  

Earlier today I watched the latest episode of Extreme Makeover.  I have mixed feelings about shows like that, but just seeing such a huge change in people is really motivating to me, so I watch.  The woman on this episode had her breakthrough when she stopped viewing herself as a victim.  It resonated with me, because I realized that that is my problem too.  All those thoughts that run through my head when I'm disappointed by the scale (or a friend, or my kids, or anything!) are just pathetic!  Everyone goes through things in their lives that aren't easy.  Everybody has rough patches but the fact of the matter is, life goes on!  You can't change the past but I'll tell you one thing you have control over and that is your future!  I have to put my confidence in MYSELF and not in a stupid piece of plastic and metal.  I CAN (and will) succeed on this journey, and I refuse to let that little victim voice in my head tell me that I can't.  I am not who I used to be, and I like this girl a lot more than the old one. ;)

Thursday, July 9, 2015


I know I'm really bad about keeping this blog updated; I always plan to get more active with it and then never get around to doing it.  But I am trying to change that!  Thanks to anyone taking the time to read, despite how sporadic I am.

Started the year off at an all time high of 265.6.  Crazy!  Spent the last 6 months or so up and down the same 10 pounds, getting serious for a bit and then throwing in the towel for awhile.  The first time I was really successful at weight-loss (before the year from hell) I can't tell you what initiated it.  I was just sick of it.  Something inside me told me it was time.  And with strength from God I stepped up and I did it (it's the only explanation for me being able to actually start to change..I definitely couldn't do it on my own).  I lost 70 pounds and I was healthy and strong!  It wasn't a bad picture that set me off, a rude comment or a pair of jeans that didn't fit, something inside me just switched.  And for a long time I did awesome...nothing was going to get me off track.  But then life happened, and I allowed myself to make excuses (when instead I should have been using healthy food and exercise as a therapy through it all!) and before I knew it, it was January 2015 and I had gained back every single pound plus a few.

I am so pumped right now because a couple of weeks ago, I think that switch was flipped again.  I just felt ready, like it was time to step it up.  So I started tracking again on My Fitness Pal, and I really started hitting the gym hard.  I've been doing 2 pilates sessions and 2 training sessions a week, but I wasn't doing a lot of cardio.  So I added treadmill work every day.  Some days I just walk at a decent pace 4-5 miles, some days I crank up the incline, and some days I try to get back to my running (today I was able to run 5K!!!!  And in 49 minutes!  Which I know is slow to some but to me that is awesome!!).  Going every day might seem a little much but you know what?  I have spent the majority of my life being lazy.  Most of the days of my life have been rest days, and that is what got me to where I am today!  So for the last couple weeks I have worked my butt off and my eating and water has been on point.  I've cut out the sugar and a lot of the carbs as well as the soda.  I'm actually really loving my veggies!  What?!?

So that's where I'm at right now.  I weighed in this morning at 249, so I'm at 16.6 pounds and counting.  It probably would be more but I discovered this week that my hypothyroid was screwed up again so I had to increase my meds. In a week or two that will regulate and the weight loss will be a bit easier.  I can already tell a difference in my waist, arms and legs (a lot of that is the PT I've been doing...she kicks my ass!) but most of all, I just FEEL better.  I'm calmer, happier, less anxious.  And proud.  I am really proud of how hard I am working.  I MISSED that feeling!

I post a lot on Instagram to help hold myself accountable but I want to do more updates here too. There have been so many people that have been so inspiring to me, so many that continue to be incredibly supportive.  I am so thankful for that and I hope that someday I can be that person for someone too.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Blog Therapy

I'm posting right now only as a means of therapy for myself today.  It has been a rainy week and today we are having some storms.  Our french drain backed up this afternoon for the first time since we fixed the patio and I had a little freak out moment.  I talked myself through it, prayed through it and reminded myself that we got a TON of rain in just a few minutes and it's normal for that to happen...it drained within a minute of the rain lightening up and I know everything is fine.

But here I am.  And how pathetic I feel that this is what is occupying my mind.  In fact, some of you reading this may be rolling your eyes or wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It is embarrassing even to admit but this is what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder does to someone. It is like a parasite that latches on to one little event, one tiny thought in your brain and it just starts to gnaw away until it grows bigger and bigger and your heart starts racing, you feel nervous flutters in your stomach, you start to sweat, and you can't do or think about anything else but that.

For some people with OCD it takes washing their hands 14 times to make the thought 'ok'.  Or maybe they have to walk in and out of the doorway 7 times and then everything is alright.  Mine (fortunately/unfortunately?) is primarily obsessions with no real compulsions.  So there isn't any definite action I can take to rid myself of my thoughts.  My only rescue is praying through it until I feel relief, 'asking' my way through it (asking other people to reassure me that it's nothing to worry about) or just talking myself out of it, which is always difficult.  Sometimes I do 'check' things...(the basement, the porch, the ceilings) but even checking doesn't usually relieve the thoughts.

Don't get me wrong, I am doing AWESOME.  God has blessed me and answered my prayers with so many gifts; coping mechanisms, successful medication and the best support system I could ever hope for.  Life for the most part is back to normal from the craziness of last year (as 'normal' as I get, haha!) but there are still days that are difficult.  One thing that has been hard for me to accept is that this is never going to go away.  I hate it so much and it is so exhausting, it would be much easier to just be able to get rid of it completely.  But that is not how mental illness works.  It ebbs and flows, it has ups and downs.

I have been struggling the past several months with my feelings about the diagnosis, about why this intensified so much out of nowhere, and honestly about why I have to struggle with this at all.  While I've known since I was little something was different about me and the way my brain worked, this past year has changed me as a person...I am not the same girl I was a year ago.  In MANY ways.  I want to talk about it, I want to share how it feels, I want to process all this, I want to spread awareness.  But I don't want to burden anyone in my life as this past year was hard on them too, and quite honestly I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it.  So I am here to process.  I know this blog was/is primarily about my road back to being physically healthy, but I'm getting back to being mentally healthy as well so this is part of my journey.  Now that I am in such a better place, I really feel like I need to honor this past year, give it the respect it deserves, because it was huge.  It turned my world upside down, it literally scared me nearly to death, it changed my relationships, it opened my eyes to many things, it grew my understanding of and my relationship with God, it absolutely changed my life.  And while of course I wish I didn't have this experience to write about, everything happens for a purpose.  I truly believe that I am where I am supposed to be in this life and I am proud of how this past year has shaped me.  Things might be a little more difficult day to day then they used to be but I am also a lot stronger.  It feels good to know and really BELIEVE, that no matter what happens, what worries or struggles may come, I will be okay.  I will make it through.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

You are so much more than a number!!

Lately all I can think about is our upcoming vacation.  Next month we are heading to Puerto Rico for a couple days and then on a Caribbean cruise.  The kids are staying home so this is just us and I cannot wait.  We did this exact cruise in December of 2013 and to be honest, it was an awful vacation and it was all my fault.  Trips for us are so important to our marriage...we really reconnect and since we have no distractions we get to talk and spend lots of time together that we normally don't get at home.  It is something that is very special to both of us.  But last time, I was SO distracted.  First, I had chipped a tooth the week before we went and even though I got it repaired the day before we left I was still a mess and super anxious.  When we landed it was raining and somehow that got into my head and I couldn't let it go.  I started worrying about what the weather might be like coming home from our trip (we tend to have awful luck when it comes to weather and travel) and it took over all my thoughts the entire week.  I must have looked so strange all week...I would wear headphones in the lounges to keep from hearing other people's conversations for fear they would mention JFK (our connection), or a storm that MIGHT be coming (there wasn't one).  I wouldn't read the news that would come to our room every day because it had a weather update in it and I didn't want to read something bad might be coming.  Same with the TV..I made Jeff keep it on sports the whole time for fear of possibly seeing a newscast.  I spent the entire time fearful for absolutely no reason other than the fact that my brain was stuck.  I couldn't shake it and because of that it overtook all my thoughts and energy.  We didn't have nice conversations, we didn't have relaxing time by the pool or intimate romantic dinners.  We had a week of anxiety and a week of me asking Jeff a million times a day if everything was going to be okay.  I was so distracted I felt so awful and so bad for him as I totally ruined the trip for both of us.

So this trip next month is my do-over.  I have finally gotten these struggles under control and I am so excited to go and ENJOY myself.  To talk, relax, reconnect, all the wonderful things we look forward to on vacation.  I am so happy to be feeling better and nothing is going to stop me from having an amazing time.  My normal stress for vacations before the OCD issues got really bad was my weight...I was always so stressed out about being heavy and trying to find the perfect suit to make me look better, the perfect cocktail dress to keep from being embarrassed.  Ugh, so much energy worrying about what other people would think about what I looked like!  Even up to a month or two ago I was stressing about how to lose the most weight before the trip.  But something came over me the first of the year.  It doesn't matter if I go at the weight I am now or if I was 50 pounds lighter...I am the same person either way.  I amount to more than what the numbers on the scale says!  I don't need anyone's approval to make ME enjoy my trip (or my life!).  I went through too much last year and grew too much as a person to waste my energy worrying about being embarrassed of what I look like.  So I made a decision when I started this journey again at the first of the year to stop beating myself up.  If I lose some weight before the trip that is awesome, but I don't need to go crazy and starve myself or some other craziness to lose SO MUCH weight beforehand.  I decided that from now on my life will be one of health and good habits.  A life where I don't care what some stranger on a cruise might think about my swimsuit or my dress.  A life where I love myself instead of belittling who I am and what I look like.

And you know what's funny?  Once I made that decision my excitement for this trip, and even for life on a daily basis, multiplied astronomically.  I look forward to every single thing about this vacation, and I can honestly say I haven't felt that way in a really really long time.  This time I will be making up for all the wasted moments I've had worrying about so many unnecessary things....the weather, my clothes, my weight, our flights, all those things that took up space in my mind.  I am so thankful that God has allowed me to grow in Him and realize who I am as a person, and more importantly who I'm NOT.  :)

Friday, January 16, 2015

This is the year!

We are only two weeks into 2015 and I already feel like so much has happened!  That is the problem with my being a inconsistent blogger....I end up with too much to say in one post!  Gotta work on more frequent postings. :)

First off, I'm really proud to say that I'm down 11 pounds so far this month!  6 pounds last week, and 5 this week.  I know progress won't always be so awesome but it's a good place to start!  I've been working really hard with my nutrition.  I've given up sugar completely for the time being...I think that I am going to try to stick with it until vacation (Feb 26th!) and then be very limited after that.  I've also given up white carbs for the most part.  While I have had rice, mashed potatoes, etc. here and there, I have given up the rolls with dinner, bread, etc..  Really I just have carbs (esp white carbs) once a day.  And I'm drinking tons and tons of water! I do allow myself a coke zero as long as I've had at least 8 glasses of water first.  But even a coke zero feels like a treat!

It's so funny how much you start to enjoy food when you start eating to LIVE instead of living to EAT.  For a snack sometimes I have cherries and it amazes me how simple and sweet they are.  I know it may sound silly, but when you cut out sugar your tastebuds start to recognize NATURAL sweetness and everything just tastes better.  You're all probably laughing at me right now but it's really amazing to me!  It just shows you how crappy my eating has been for so long now!  I had a rice cake with peanut butter the other day and honest to goodness it was like the best treat ever!  It is so great to be able to ENJOY healthy food instead of being annoyed with it.

The other factor that's helping with this progress is MOVEMENT!  I've tried to be a lot more focused on my fitbit so I am constantly moving.  I don't always hit my 10,000 steps a day but I try!  I'm still at my 2 pilates sessions a week (LOVE!) and I'm trying to get at least a couple treadmill 5K's in a week as well.  I am still slow as can be but I'm getting there!  I did my 1st official (virtual) 5K of 2015 on the first, and have another one coming up on the 24th (that one downtown...PLEASE let it be at least 30 degrees!).  It feels so amazing to be back in the gym and back to eating healthy.  I really feel like a new person this year.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and last year was just preparing me to be in the place I am now.  I feel so strong and so confident, I know it won't happen overnight (or even close) but I have no doubt that this is the time for me to change and finally live a healthy life...physically AND mentally.  This is our year my friends, we can do it!!!  :)


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Call me cliche', but.....

This post is all about the new year!  I am already confident that it will be the best year ever...and I am excited to get it started!  I know it's so cliche' but the new year does bring an air of freshness with it...a feeling of possibility and opportunity.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there making posts today just like mine, vowing that this is THE year, that 2015 will be IT.  Some people will succeed, many will not.  I have said it many MANY times before and I have failed just as many times.  But for me, this year is different.

After 2014, nothing will stop me.  (Sorry for the previous post being so heavy...just had to get that all out and share it with you!)  I have learned so much about myself and my potential, my strength and my abilities.  If I can make it through the madness that happened in the past 12 months, I can get healthy again, THAT is for sure.  What was the point in fighting for my mental health so desperately if I allow myself to remain jeopardizing my physical one?  There is no excuse!  All the hard work, the tears, the prayers and the struggles matter so much less if I continue to be so unhealthy in so many other ways.  Did I spend an entire year struggling for sanity, calmness and mental stability just to kill myself with food?  What a waste that would be.  And how hurtful to all the people that supported me and helped me through my journey this year.  And how dishonorable to God above all.  

So, heavy stuff aside, I am ready to hit the ground running!  I have my Ipod and Fitbit charging and my alarm is set for the gym in the morning.  I have a virtual 5k to complete tomorrow and then pilates at 9am.  Then I have to concentrate on getting my time better for 5k's because I have an actual 5k on the 24th.  It will be extremely hard at first as I am super out of shape.  My back will ache and my body will be in shock but it will feel good and be worth it.  I am probably at my heaviest weight ever (we'll see tomorrow!) but that's okay because I am going to change that.  Gone are the days of beating myself up and throwing pity parties.  Life is too short.  Not that it will be easy...I am not naive.  But I have discovered that I am so much stronger than I ever thought...God has great plans for me and I refuse to miss them!!

So my friends, here are my 2015 goals.  I may adjust/add/delete as time goes on but I think it's a good place to start. :)

1.  Complete at least one 5k race (virtual or actual) a month.
2.  Continue with my 2 pilates sessions per week.
3.  Work on my running endurance/time at the gym or outside at least 3x a week.
4.  Start using the weight equipment at the gym or free weights at home, at least 2x a week.
5.  Be running 5k's consistently under 35 minutes by the end of the year (yes, that is my goal.  Yes, I know I am slow. LOL)
6.  DRASTICALLY cut the amount of sugar I consume.  I will allow myself treats occasionally but I have gone totally overboard in this area lately.
7.  Concentrate more on HEALTHY EATING.  Complex carbs, protein and veggies!
8.  Teach my boys healthier ways of eating!
9.  Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.
10.  Read the Bible in it's entirety.  
11.  Consistently keep up my prayer journal.
12.  Read Made to Crave.
13.  Spend more time with my grandma and grandpa.
14.  Remember that life is AWESOME! And have a great positive attitude more consistently.
15.  Dedicate myself to more project completion...house decor projects and the kids memory stuff :)
16.  Do my nails and makeup more often!
17.  Yell Less!
18.  Love more!
19.  Take family pictures for Christmas cards next year :)
20.  Make my husband, family, kids and friends proud of me. :)

So there you go folks!  So excited to watch this year as these things come to fruition.  Thanks so much to each of you for being along for the ride!

Monday, December 29, 2014

The year in which I almost broke, but didn't.

When I think about the new year coming, I have butterflies.  Good, happy, cute little butterflies.  I look back at the last 12 months or so and am so amazed that I could be so excited for something after a year like 2014 that brought me to my knees.

I can honestly say that this has been the worst year of my life.  I would not wish it on anyone nor do I ever hope to repeat it.   But I also dare say that I am glad it happened.

I think back to the person I was a year ago and she is gone.  She was in love with her new house, she was excited and hopeful for all the fun that a new home brings and happy to be in a new neighborhood, meeting new people and finding a place in a new community.  She was anxiously anticipating her 5 year old's first year of school and was trying to figure out how to manage a 1.5 (but totally already 3) year old who had just discovered he had opinions and could actually make his OWN choices, much to her dismay.  She had a picture in her mind of what the days would be like in this place, how she would function here as a wife and mother of two....this felt like a new start to her.  The beginning of the next chapter.  She was 60 pounds lighter, she wore cute clothes and she loved it.  She loved God and knew He loved her.  She worried about what others thought of her and hoped never to make anyone mad or say the wrong things, and when she thought she might have been guilty of such, she worried herself into a frenzy.  But she was happy.  Mostly.

Then like a hurricane, the year swooped in and tossed her plans to the wind.  Here I find it hard to even describe how things turned upside down, but looking back it feels like one minute I was okay, and the next I was not.  One minute I was planning how to decorate our rooms, and the next I was worried (frantically and desperately so) that our house was built on a sinkhole that would at any minute collapse into a marsh of water.  One minute I was picking out a table for our kitchen and the next I was panicked that our house was most definitely filled with deadly mold and we would go bankrupt and homeless trying to remedy it.  One minute I was watching a nice movie after the boys went to bed and the next I was sobbing uncontrollably over my certainty that we would all die of radiation poisoning.  My mind rolled with insane possibilities.

Our crawl spaces (all nearly 2000 sq. ft of them) turning to swimming pools, our sky lights leaking, our flooded patio and yard with water seeping in the basement corners...all these things were real.  The mice who died and smelled up the wall, the broken piping and the garage roof leaking and all the other little things...they all happened.  But as these events unfolded, something in my mind clicked and a small little spot of darkness that I had always suspected was there started to grow.

Growing up I had always been a nervous kid...always scared of everything and all the potential awful things that could happen (but rarely actually ever did).  There were a few instances when I was younger where I feared that there might actually be something wrong with me...times when my fears and anxiety was so out of control that I worried I may never get a handle on it again.  But things always calmed down, I always talked myself back into reality and was able to recognize the truth of my fear at the time.  Because of my family history, this was worrisome to me but because I felt mostly in control of things as I got older, I never really put much attention into it.

This past year was like my brain was making up for the last 15 or so years of mostly calmness.  I remember one night, laying in bed crying, thinking, 'this is what it feels like to be crazy!  I am crazy.'  And the next thought, 'what if I never get better and I am like this the rest of my life?!!'.  And then the panic would come.  The heart racing and the stomach turning and the sweating and crying and shaking.  I have never in my life felt such a total loss of control.  There aren't even words I can type here to make you understand that feeling unless you have felt it yourself.  It is a feeling of utter and total helplessness.  A feeling so incredibly sickening and dark that, I am ashamed to admit, led me to even consider the possibility of just swallowing all the pills I had in the bathroom (which at the time was a good number; I had sought help from a psychiatrist and we were trying to figure out what would help) and being done with it.  And then being terrified by the feeling of total relief that idea brought to me.  I can't describe this to you...I was in a pit of darkness.  It was the lowest I have ever been and ever hope to be.

This year I battled something that many people fight.  It is a battle that someone in my life who I love very much fights every day.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the anxiety that it breeds is not a joke or something that one can easily remedy or treat.  It is something that can be all consuming, terrifying, depressing and debilitating.  It is life altering and scary.  It is a part of me and always will be...my brain is wired that way.

All of that said...I am glad this year happened.  (WHAT?? I know, right?)  While it might have been the most absolutely awful year, it was also the most defining.  The most reflective and refining.  When you have been through torment and suffering you often learn the most about yourself.  About the people around you.  And for me, about my God.  He is my God!!!  I have loved Him for a long time and I know He has always loved me...but this year, I learned who He truly is.  He saved my life...He gave me strength when I was so weak I didn't think I would make it through.  He gave me friends who heard my pain and would literally hang up on me to drive to my house and read me scripture and prayed with me, just so I could get through the day.  He gave me my doctors, who were able to find physical means of treatment that have made a world of difference.  He gave me my husband, who if you know him you know how hard this kind of thing would be for him to help me with, but who managed to hold me and reassure me and take care of me, despite my driving him nuts asking him the same questions repeatedly day in and day out.  He gave me prayer warriors who sent me messages at the exact moments they were needed most.  He gave me a pastor who was able to speak truth to me in a way that resonated more than he will ever know...speaking words that to this day I repeat that uplift me and encourage me so so much.  As bad as this year and all of it's discoveries was, it allowed me to start a process of treatment and of enlightenment so powerful that I am fully and entirely altered by it.

Not that God just showed up and snapped His mighty fingers and fixed my brain.  This is an ongoing, never-ending process that takes work.  It takes my effort and time and my desire to BE better.  It takes prayer, and counseling and self-reflection and medication and thought process changes and all kinds of hard work.  But I called to Him and He answered in all those ways.  In so many ways I could go on forever.  I remember several times walking into our prayer meetings at church just leveled by fear and worry and obsessive craziness and I would sit and cry and write and write and write...prayers to God, questions, spilling my heart out.  And a feeling of relief would start to cover me.  A feeling of hope...something that I had been without for a long time.  Here someone would come to pray with me, miraculously knowing just the right words despite knowing nothing of my struggle. Here would come a breathtakingly gorgeous sunset appearing as I walked to my car.  These are the things my God gave to me...these are the things that saved me.

So yes, the girl I was a year ago is gone.  She is now new and she is hopeful.  She is not afraid because she knows there is a purpose for her, a future full of hope.  She is SO incredibly thankful for all her blessings, even (and especially) the house her family calls home.  She is confident in herself and who she is and she is not worried about what others may think of her.  She is not ashamed of her illness but excited at the opportunity to share and grow and educate.  She loves her husband and her kids to death and knows life isn't easy but is proud that she is their mother and his wife.  She is 60 pounds heavier now but she loves herself more than she ever has.   She is not fooled into thinking that everything will always be okay, but instead knows that no matter what comes He is there.  She is a daughter of the one true King and has a relationship that a year ago, she would never have imagined.

The dread, fear and sadness that hung over this past year is gone.  I feel excitement again.  I feel butterflies! (happy ones!!)  I am hopeful and I am confident.  I am strong, I am unapologetic, I am incredibly blessed and I am happy.  I am so unequivocally unbelievably thankful.  I'm thankful for it all.  I am so excited for this new year.  The best is yet to come!!

Friday, August 15, 2014

Mish-Mash of Catch Up (including some actual fitness stuff! Can you believe it?)

So much to catch up on.  Going to try to not make this too long as I'm exhausted and I have a cross stitch I am itching to get back at. (yep, I said cross stitch).

1.  My little baby started kindergarten!!  How is this freaking possible????  I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone.  But I will tell you, I DIDN'T CRY!  I think it's because he's at the same place he was last year and is still all day just like last year, but still!  I am so proud of how well he is adjusting this first week.  His teacher seems to be sweet as pie and I love her to death already.  I'm excited for this year and what growth it will bring in him!

2.  Monday, I will be walking back into the gym and meeting with my old trainer/friend Jami.  I was recently reminded that I still had some sessions on my account so I am going to use them.  With the ridiculous amount of money we have had to put into the house we can't really afford to pay for PT right now so I am so blessed to realize I have a dozen to use.  We are starting with cardio since I can barely walk half a mile without being winded with a sore back, and will add some pilates in to strengthen my core.  I am just about as heavy as I was when I first walked into the gym so long ago to meet with Mandy, so this is a hard, embarrassing, humbling step for me.  But I love Jami and it helps to have a friend to be stepping back into this journey with, so I am ready.  And honestly, I'm not throwing a pity party about it.  Thanks to God and a lot of awesome friends and support in my life, I am learning to love myself so matter what.  So like I've said before, it happened, now I have to fix it.  No use crying over spilled milk!!  I am working to overcome too many other things right now to worry about feeling sorry for myself about my weight.  It will feel SO weird to get back at this fitness journey...it's been so long since I've been dedicated but I am excited for it.  I hate starting this all over, but like Jami said the other day, the beginning is always a good place to start! :)  Get ready everyone!! I am ready to kick some major butt.  PLUS two bits of extra motivation...I went clothes shopping for our Chicago weekend next month and had to buy RIDICULOUS sizes.  Ticked me off SO bad to spend so much money buying new clothes (I donated all the old 'big' ones because "I'm never going to be that size again!!" LOL) when I have a whole closet of awesome hot clothes that I just CAN'T FIT!!  GRRRR!!  AND, we just booked a cruise vacation for February 26th and I SWEAR to you that I will be 100% comfortable with my body by then.  I won't be at my ultimate goal obviously, but I will be a lot closer, a lot healthier and more fit.  There is a hike in the Dominican Republic that I am dying to do but you have to be in good shape.  I WILL be doing that hike.
Get ready friends!!!  I am back at this like never before! ;)

3.  Lastly, and most importantly, on Sunday August 10th I was rebaptized.  On my 25th birthday I was baptized and it really did mean a lot to me.  But I was young in my walk with the Lord, and while I was making a statement, I don't think I truly understood the magnitude of what a decision like that meant.  I am in SUCH a different place now, and have been working on overcoming/defeating SUCH different things.  I have been feeling led to be rebaptized for a few weeks now and there were several signs Sunday that it was time.  My husband wasn't even there and only a couple close friends were able to witness it, it was such a spontaneous thing...if I would have known I would have told the whole world! :)  The past year has led me to a place with God where there is no turning back and this was my final surrender to Him.  I have felt his love pouring out on me in so many ways throughout the trials I've had the past year (in seemingly unbelievable miraculous ways!!), and this was something I needed to do.  I am so proud, and so blessed, and so completely consumed in His grace and love.  No matter what happens I know that as long as I am walking with Him, things will always be okay.

So those are the three biggest things going on with me lately.  Well, and they house.  They are almost done with the patio so fingers crossed, our water problem will hopefully be totally resolved really soon.  Definitely excited for that!

Thanks my friends for reading this, for being out there and being a support in so many different ways.  I am thankful for each and every one of you!!!!

(Could I ever write a short post for once?  Geesh! :)  )