Heaviness

I've been sitting here for 45 minutes trying to figure out how to start this entry tonight. There are a number of things that have been weighing heavily on my heart the past few weeks and I just want to share them here...just to vent, to spread awareness and to elicit prayers for anyone out there who may feel compelled.

As some of you are already aware, or may be able to tell from my blog list, I follow a blog called Matt, Liz & Madeline (http://www.mattlogelin.com) and it is AWESOME. I discovered this blog when I was pregnant last summer and spent four hours straight reading it, learning all about (obviously) Matt, Liz and Madeline. I've followed it nearly every day since. I encourage you to check out this site, but long story short, Matt is a widower, who's wife (Liz) died 27 hours after giving birth to their first child (Madeline). He is a truly amazing man and father, and has dealt with his loss and challenge of being a single father to a newborn with strength and a ridiculous amount of courage. His blog makes me smile, laugh uncontrollably (he is completely hysterical) and sob like a baby. To top it off he has started The Liz Logelin Foundation which collects donations to help support other families who face crisis like his. He is awesome. If you haven't checked out his blog you need to.

Wow, got a little off track there. So I was checking in on Matt's blog about a week ago when he posted an entry about a friend of his. A woman named Heather. A woman who just lost her child. Her 1 1/2 year old little girl, also named Madeline, or Maddie as they call her. Heather has a blog too at http://www.remembermaddie.com and when I read this on Matt's page I went and read about Maddie. And it totally ripped my heart out. It's a really long story, but basically Maddie was very premature when she was born and has had to live with various lung problems and other issues (it's all on the site) but a couple weeks ago, out of nowhere she came down with a fast-acting lung infection and she died. She freaking died. I am starting to cry typing this as I have many times in the past few weeks thinking of her and Heather and Maddie's dad, Mike. Please read the blog...this is an astounding family and my heart is aching for them. Saturday the 25th they had been preparing for the March of Dimes 5K; their goal was to raise $3000....the total ended up being over $50,000. Heather also did a speech at the walk (also on her page) that was one of the most courageous and heart-wrenching things I've ever read. I read page after page of her entries, and I just sit here totally and completely helpless. I donated money to the cause, but really, that didn't quench the need I feel right now to help...and yet I have no idea how. I could email her, and tell her I'm praying for them and that my heart goes out to them, but it would only be one of thousands who've done it before me...and does that really help? I have been a prayer warrior for her and the family, and shed tears almost every day since I read it but the helpless feeling lingers. So I'm putting this out here for everyone to read...please check out her site, if you have the means to donate to the March of Dimes, please do.

There is actually a couple other things on my mind I want to share but it's getting late and I don't want this to be too long so I will save it for next time. One thing I do want to mention is a 10K walk I am doing this Sunday at Goodale Park. It's the Great Strides walk for Cystic Fibrosis and I am so excited to be participating. My co-worker and friend, Melissa, has a 9 month old little girl named Lauren who was diagnosed with CF right after she was born. She is adorable, sweet, funny and so full of personality and it tears me up when I think about how she is sick. Not too many people know about CF, but it is a lung disease that is very serious and it does not have a cure at this time. (Check out http://www.cff.org if you want more info). Melissa has AMAZED me with the way she has handled Lauren's diagnosis. Ian and Lauren are 2 months apart, so obviously we shared our pregnancy experiences together, and now that we both have infants, we share our stories and frustrations as new moms all the time:) But Melissa has to deal with much more than I could ever imagine; there are so many breathing treatments, meds, enzymes, special feeding schedules etc. that she has to juggle. Worst is the emotional aspect...knowing Lauren's prognosis breaks my heart to pieces...to see Melissa cry sometimes knowing that the odds are she will most likely outlive her daughter just makes me ache for her. She is so strong, she has been from the very beginning and it blows me away. I think of Ian, if it were him, and I feel nauseous by the idea, I can't even imagine what I would do if it were a reality. And yet for Melissa it IS a reality. It is her life and she has to deal with knowing the truth each and every day when she looks at her daughter.

So we are doing the walk...as the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation says...they want to make CF stand for Cure Found. I'm trying to do my part, however little it may be. Please think of us on Sunday...if anyone is interested and want to donate my page is http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/MichelleHawley or you can just go to the CF page above and go to "Great Strides" and enter my name as a walker. Melissa has thrown herself into this cause, and I am so proud of her, not only for this walk but for the way she has handled the whole situation that is her life. She says a lot "Life is 10% what you're given and 90% how you react to it". I pray for that attitude. So we're walking and I'm praying and praying. God weeps with us when these things happen...He carries us.

Thanks for reading:)

When you're ready to be done with this....you'll be done

Confession time. I have fallen, yet again, off the wagon. I've been struggling SO bad I can't even stand it, and to be honest, I've been dreading posting on here as I am embarrassed and was not looking forward to sharing my failure with everyone (it's always easier to deny you're screwing up when no one knows about it!;) But then I had a little discussion with myself and realized that this blog is ABOUT sharing my failure:) And my successes too of course, but we can't succeed all the time...journeys have hills and valleys and you don't get to the destination without enduring it all along the way. So here I am...a few pounds heavier but here nonetheless.

Have had some really good conversations with a couple awesome friends in the past few days and have gained some serious wisdom. Today I was hanging out with one of my best friends- she has struggled with some of the same issues as me. She has always been unbelievably supportive of me (as are so many of my friends...I am so blessed!!!) and we had a conversation about this whole struggle I've been having. She told me about a situation in her life she was struggling through and someone told her "When you're ready to be done with this...you'll be done with it". I've been letting those words sink in the past few hours. Can it be that I just have not been "ready" to be done with this weight battle? The gut instinct is for one to say, of course I am ready to be done with it! Can't you see how frustrated I am? But truly, maybe I haven't been ready. Yes, there is genetics, yes there is my thyroid condition, and the addiction of food, but really, when you truly are ready to be done with it, you'll be done. We've all read the articles in the magazines where someone lost half their body weight; one day they just woke up, found the strength within themselves, and decided that they were done with being fat. My friend is at that place now and she is doing so wonderful losing weight...I think this is true..you can have all the obstacles in the world, the deck stacked totally against you, but if you decide it's time, nothing has the power to stop you..there are no excuses.

Another conversation I had was with someone I also look up to so much...he has lost almost 100 pounds...it is truly inspiring. It's been a long process, he has changed all his habits...stopped drinking soda, started packing lunch, stopped eating fast food, etc. etc. and he looks incredible. He's one of my best friends and has always been there to listen to me (usually to listen to me bitch about something or other ;) This topic came up...his success totally inspires me and I was asking for his insight. He made a lot of good suggestions, but one thing he said really stuck out to me. I was whining about all the crappy ways that my weight effects my life and when I was done, he said (in a nice way), if it makes you so miserable you would think that that would give you the drive to do something about it. It's so true...I hate how I feel, I hate how I look, I have no clothes that fit, I am constantly embarrassed of myself, the list goes on and on, and yet, I haven't made any long-term changes or eliminated any of my bad habits. So what do I expect? I will continue to be miserable if I don't change. I have no excuses..I am this way because I allowed myself to become this way, and I remain in this state because I have made no long-term life changes. That's all there is to it. When I am ready to be done with this, I will be done. I will wake up in the morning, find within myself the strength and willpower that I need, and be done with being fat. I pray that morning is tomorrow.

Dopamine is a Bitch

Yesterday I got back on track hardcore. As I mentioned I had been really off course and struggling but yesterday I got my butt in gear. Food wise I have been great, making good choices and staying in control. But mentally I am going nuts! I have been thinking about food pretty much every hour all day for the last two days. It's so awful when you get off plan because it is SO difficult to get that motivation back. Your cravings come back, your body forgets how good it feels eating so healthy and not being stuffed, and all the power and control you felt making those good choices goes flying out the window. And it takes days to get that back. It's called ADDICTION.

Dopamine is a bitch. Food addiction is all about science (ok, I won't say it's all about science, because obviously we have free will and as hard as it is we CAN chose to NOT eat bad food...but science plays a big big part). Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain that plays a big role in all kinds of different behaviors. In many cases it makes you feel good, gives you feelings of pleasure and satisfaction, and who wouldn't want that?? So we grow to desire those feelings more and more. And guess what folks? Food releases dopamine. This is food addiction...this is why we crave food, this is why I have thought about it all day for two days. This is why I am going NUTS! :) We eat, the food releases dopamine, it makes us feel good, so we want to eat more to keep feeling good. It's a vicious circle.

I was thinking about this the other day. My "circle" goes like this. I make a plan to start getting on track; I think "tomorrow, I'm going to start this and I am going to DO it!!". So I eat whatever I want that day, I give myself a treat the night before because "it's my last chance" before I get really serious. So that night I'm feeling awesome, I'm so pumped and motivated and I have all these grand plans of how I'm going to be perfect and lose so much weight, yada yada yada. Then the next morning I get up and I might do okay for a few hours, or even for most of the day, but my mind is always on food, it's always thinking about when the next meal is or what I could have on this 'diet'. And (obviously) more times than not, I end up blowing it and I give in and eat something I shouldn't...even binge at times. The night before is almost like a high for me...and then the next day when I'm limiting what I'm eating (translation: eating like a normal person) my body is like, whoa, where is all that awesome food you've been giving me? I am craving that pleasure, those effects of the dopamine...that satisfaction. It's an addiction, and the first day of eating healthy and normal is like being in withdrawal. It's all you think about. And all that can help is time. Eventually you adapt to the new levels, the new intake, and little by little you feel better, and what you do eat makes you feel good and you get that motivation through your healthy choices. But the first few days aren't fun. There is noone in this world that could ever convince me that people can't be an addicted to food. And I am an addict, no doubt.

Here's to kicking the habit.

Praying for Patience

This was a rough weekend. I don't know if it's just lack of sleep or what (I've been staying up too late watching TV!!) but my patience has been pretty much non-existent the last couple of days. I went to the mall yesterday and then again today and pretty much felt both days like punching someone in the neck. It was just a frustrating weekend...Ian got fussy always at the exact wrong time, lines were way too long (it took me 25 minutes at Sears to get someone to help me just to pick up Ian's pictures, and then 20 more minutes waiting in the line at Lane Bryant and there was only one person in front of me!- I know it seems like I'm being whiny...but YOU handle a 6 mo. old fussy baby and see how fun it is!), I feel exhausted and I just can't get energized, and overall I just feel like I didn't accomplish anything. Rarely do I drink but man, I felt like hammering down something today! And yesterday I had a fleeting thought of bumming a cigarette off some kids at the mall that were smoking outside...and I don't smoke!!! :) So yea, one of those weekends. OH! And even more fun, I bought 3 cute shirts at Lane Bryant that were just adorable but I didn't try them on because I had Ian and I was trying to rush. Normally I wear their 18/20's easily, and I can do some 14/16's, depending on the fit. So I got all 14/16's for these shirts because 1) they looked pretty big 2) I can fit that size most of the time anyway and 3) if they were a little snug I thought it would be good motivation for me to try to get into them as soon as possible. So I tried them on when I got home and they are so tight I'll be lucky to wear them in the next 3 months!! Of course the ONE time I don't try them on they are a weird material that hugs and they look like total crap on me. Tomorrow I will just view it as good motivation, but tonight please bear with me while I'm bitter. Blah.

So I am praying for patience. Mom mentioned to me on Saturday that I should be more patient when I was at near meltdown at the mall (yes, me, not Ian). And really, she's right. I have to realize that life is too complicated and too amazing and there is too much to worry about and too much to enjoy to be so impatient and stressed all the time. I don't WANT to be so high-strung, stressed out, and out of control! I want to be calm and together, I want to be optimistic and positive instead of reacting to every little 'crisis' as if it's the end of the world. I don't want to be lovingly described as 'neurotic' or 'type A' (ok, so that may never stop-you can't get everything you want;) And this goes for my weight loss journey as well...I am so impatient...if I have one good week I expect to have dropped a size or two or look dramatically different, and things just don't work that way. If I just lose a pound or two, that is fantastic and I need to appreciate that instead of berating myself for not losing more. I need to be thankful for the small victories:) The small battles win the war:)

My 100 Reasons

So I haven't been perfect the past week or so, at least not in the way that I was in the beginning. So I thought it was a good time to make my "100 Reasons" list...My 100 Reasons to Rediscover Myself (sounds better that 'lose weight' or 'get skinny' or any of those generic cliches;) It's good motivation for me to remember my reasons for this journey...to help me stay focused and keep me going. Each day is a new day and I may add more reasons as I go through this process, but this is a good start!

One more thing...I am being totally honest with these, so here's your warning: if it's TMI I'm sorry!!

Here we are, in no particular order....


1. To be healthy and able to care for my son
2. To be a good role model for Ian
3. To regain my health and lower my risks for cancer, heart disease, diabetes..etc. etc.
4. To never hear "Mommy, you're fat" from my son (or cuddly/mushy/etc. - let's face it, kids are honest)
5. To be able to take my wedding rings on and off without it taking conditioner and 10 minutes of pain and twisting
6. To not get winded when I go up a flight of stairs
7. To not have a double chin/s ;)
8. To get to wear all the cute clothes I have in my closet from when I was thin
9. To be able to carry Ian around all the time without my back hurting or getting out of breath
10. To be able to go on long walks without my back hurting
11. To run into people that haven't seen me for awhile and have them say "you've lost so much weight!!"
12. To not be embarrassed when I run into someone from when I was thin and they're shocked at how big I am
13. To be able to get on a plane without worrying if I will need a seat belt extender.
14. To fly on a plane and know that I'm not going to be squashed in the seat or totally piss off the person next to me by overflowing into their space
15. To be able to sit with my legs crossed and have it be comfortable
16. To not sweat so much
17. To be able to order something unhealthy in a restaurant and not worry that people are looking at me thinking "yea, of course SHE'S eating that"
18. To be able to shop somewhere other than Lane Bryant
19. To weigh less than my husband
20. To go to a tanning bed and not have white lines in places that you shouldn't (some of you know what I mean, if you don't, you're a lucky beotch ;)
21. To actually FIT in a tanning bed comfortably
22. To go to a tanning salon and not think people are watching me thinking "why does she bother?" (it's cuz even FAT is more attractive when it's tan people!! ;)
23. To be one of those healthy chicks that carry water bottles everywhere they go
24. To wear a cute belt
25. To get compliments again
26. To be able to get on a tender without it tipping totally to the side and worry you're going to overturn everyone
27. To not have to turn sideways to go through turnstiles at the zoo
28. To be able to work in the yard, plant flowers, trim bushes, etc. without getting worn out
29. To be a regular at the gym
30. To have Jeff think I'm attractive again
31. To be proud of myself
32. To have my friends and family be proud of me
33. To prove to Jeff that I CAN follow through with something
34. To not always be the one in the group eating the most food
35. To be the same size as everyone else at church group
36. To be able to tell all the assholes that have made mean comments to me to kiss my ass
37. To never have anyone ask me again 'are you pregnant?' (unless I actually AM;)
38. To not have my boss think I'm gross and show him I am successful at this
39. To be able to be an avid runner again
40. To do 5K's on a normal basis
41. To do another 1/2 and RUN the WHOLE way!
42. To maybe do a full someday???
43. To be a regular at Front Runner
44. To be able to be a success story in a WW magazine
45. To have a waist again
46. To have cute boobs again (ok, I know I have a BFing kid but I KNOW they'd look better if I was thinner!! ;) I'm not asking for perfection!! LOL)
47. To be able to wear one of those cute backless shirts
48. To go to a club and dance and not feel like a whale
49. To be HOT again!
50. To have better sex
51. To want to leave the lights on ;)
52. To be able to button my cute winter peacoat
53. To have defined muscular arms and legs
54. To wear a cute choker and have it look good and not totally stupid
55. To not feel self conscious at family dinners when someone asks if I want dessert
56. To inspire others with my new self:)
57. To dedicate my life to being healthy
58. To be obsessed with veggies instead of bread and potatoes!
59. To take a yoga class and be able to do it
60. To be able to go shopping for a gown for our vacation cruise and not be depressed and totally frustrated
61. To not feel like the most gigantic person on the cruise (for the 3rd time)
62. To actually have someone check me out for once (in a good way)
63. To not be jealous of skinny chicks
64. To be able to keep up with Ian when he starts running around
65. To want to get my picture taken again and be happy with the results
66. To go to Crew games/OSU games/ BJ games and be comfortable and not take up two seats
67. To be able to buy a swimsuit off the rack
68. To want to actually wear a swimsuit
69. To have the towels at the gym actually COVER me without having to use two together
70. To show my trainer and nutritionist at Lifetime that I succeeded at this
71. To be able to have Jeff and/or Scott pick me up like they used to
72. To have lots more energy
73. To not have to take synthroid or lexapro anymore
74. To be able to say I got my health back the right way and not through starving myself or drinking shakes or whatever
75. To feel good and proud and be able to hold my head high when I'm walking around in public and not feel frumpy or gross
76. To make recipes and cook yummy healthy dinners for Jeff instead of sticking chicken nuggets and baked french fries in the oven
77. To feel sexy again
78. To get my belly-button pierced!
79. To be able to wear cute, sexy hip clothes and not look so boring and school-marmish;)
80. To be able to breathe when I bend over to tie my shoes
81. To actually weigh what my drivers license says I weigh
82. To have Jeff put his arms around my waist and me actually enjoy it instead of pushing his hands away
83. To have my thighs not rub together
84. To wear tank tops and not be horribly embarrassed by my arms
85. To have a collarbone again (and cheekbones, and shoulder blades, etc.)
86. To rollerblade again and not feel like I'm going to die
87. To feel like I'm an equal match for Jeff again
88. To not ever have to hear anything again from my grandma about my weight other than to say how great I look:)
89. To be able to say I want to open a bakery without feeling cliche about it, like the big girl opening the bakery... (believe me people, I know most of this stuff is just in my head, I'm just being honest here)
90. To have much more endurance
91. To not think about food every hour of the day
92. To not be embarrassed or self-conscious about the way I look, the way I eat, the habits I have, the choices I make...
93. To never binge again
94. To end this chapter of my life and start a new one and never have to look back
95. To have bras fit comfortably and have the straps not fall down all the time
96. To be EXCITED to post pics of myself on the web instead of dreading it;)
97. To feel strong and powerful again
98. To live a long healthy life
99. To return to the person I was meant to be...to get back on the path that I started on...
100. To be happy with who I am


And there you have it. 100 reminders for myself of why I have began this process and why I'm not looking back.