Call me cliche', but.....

This post is all about the new year!  I am already confident that it will be the best year ever...and I am excited to get it started!  I know it's so cliche' but the new year does bring an air of freshness with it...a feeling of possibility and opportunity.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there making posts today just like mine, vowing that this is THE year, that 2015 will be IT.  Some people will succeed, many will not.  I have said it many MANY times before and I have failed just as many times.  But for me, this year is different.

After 2014, nothing will stop me.  (Sorry for the previous post being so heavy...just had to get that all out and share it with you!)  I have learned so much about myself and my potential, my strength and my abilities.  If I can make it through the madness that happened in the past 12 months, I can get healthy again, THAT is for sure.  What was the point in fighting for my mental health so desperately if I allow myself to remain jeopardizing my physical one?  There is no excuse!  All the hard work, the tears, the prayers and the struggles matter so much less if I continue to be so unhealthy in so many other ways.  Did I spend an entire year struggling for sanity, calmness and mental stability just to kill myself with food?  What a waste that would be.  And how hurtful to all the people that supported me and helped me through my journey this year.  And how dishonorable to God above all.  

So, heavy stuff aside, I am ready to hit the ground running!  I have my Ipod and Fitbit charging and my alarm is set for the gym in the morning.  I have a virtual 5k to complete tomorrow and then pilates at 9am.  Then I have to concentrate on getting my time better for 5k's because I have an actual 5k on the 24th.  It will be extremely hard at first as I am super out of shape.  My back will ache and my body will be in shock but it will feel good and be worth it.  I am probably at my heaviest weight ever (we'll see tomorrow!) but that's okay because I am going to change that.  Gone are the days of beating myself up and throwing pity parties.  Life is too short.  Not that it will be easy...I am not naive.  But I have discovered that I am so much stronger than I ever thought...God has great plans for me and I refuse to miss them!!

So my friends, here are my 2015 goals.  I may adjust/add/delete as time goes on but I think it's a good place to start. :)

1.  Complete at least one 5k race (virtual or actual) a month.

2.  Continue with my 2 pilates sessions per week.

3.  Work on my running endurance/time at the gym or outside at least 3x a week.

4.  Start using the weight equipment at the gym or free weights at home, at least 2x a week.

5.  Be running 5k's consistently under 35 minutes by the end of the year (yes, that is my goal.  Yes, I know I am slow. LOL)

6.  DRASTICALLY cut the amount of sugar I consume.  I will allow myself treats occasionally but I have gone totally overboard in this area lately.

7.  Concentrate more on HEALTHY EATING.  Complex carbs, protein and veggies!

8.  Teach my boys healthier ways of eating!

9.  Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.

10.  Read the Bible in it's entirety.  

11.  Consistently keep up my prayer journal.

12.  Read Made to Crave.

13.  Spend more time with my grandma and grandpa.

14.  Remember that life is AWESOME! And have a great positive attitude more consistently.

15.  Dedicate myself to more project completion...house decor projects and the kids memory stuff :)

16.  Do my nails and makeup more often!

17.  Yell Less!

18.  Love more!

19.  Take family pictures for Christmas cards next year :)

20.  Make my husband, family, kids and friends proud of me. :)

So there you go folks!  So excited to watch this year as these things come to fruition.  Thanks so much to each of you for being along for the ride!

The year in which I almost broke, but didn't.

When I think about the new year coming, I have butterflies.  Good, happy, cute little butterflies.  I look back at the last 12 months or so and am so amazed that I could be so excited for something after a year like 2014 that brought me to my knees.

I can honestly say that this has been the worst year of my life.  I would not wish it on anyone nor do I ever hope to repeat it.   But I also dare say that I am glad it happened.

I think back to the person I was a year ago and she is gone.  She was in love with her new house, she was excited and hopeful for all the fun that a new home brings and happy to be in a new neighborhood, meeting new people and finding a place in a new community.  She was anxiously anticipating her 5 year old's first year of school and was trying to figure out how to manage a 1.5 (but totally already 3) year old who had just discovered he had opinions and could actually make his OWN choices, much to her dismay.  She had a picture in her mind of what the days would be like in this place, how she would function here as a wife and mother of two....this felt like a new start to her.  The beginning of the next chapter.  She was 60 pounds lighter, she wore cute clothes and she loved it.  She loved God and knew He loved her.  She worried about what others thought of her and hoped never to make anyone mad or say the wrong things, and when she thought she might have been guilty of such, she worried herself into a frenzy.  But she was happy.  Mostly.

Then like a hurricane, the year swooped in and tossed her plans to the wind.  Here I find it hard to even describe how things turned upside down, but looking back it feels like one minute I was okay, and the next I was not.  One minute I was planning how to decorate our rooms, and the next I was worried (frantically and desperately so) that our house was built on a sinkhole that would at any minute collapse into a marsh of water.  One minute I was picking out a table for our kitchen and the next I was panicked that our house was most definitely filled with deadly mold and we would go bankrupt and homeless trying to remedy it.  One minute I was watching a nice movie after the boys went to bed and the next I was sobbing uncontrollably over my certainty that we would all die of radiation poisoning.  My mind rolled with insane possibilities.

Our crawl spaces (all nearly 2000 sq. ft of them) turning to swimming pools, our sky lights leaking, our flooded patio and yard with water seeping in the basement corners...all these things were real.  The mice who died and smelled up the wall, the broken piping and the garage roof leaking and all the other little things...they all happened.  But as these events unfolded, something in my mind clicked and a small little spot of darkness that I had always suspected was there started to grow.

Growing up I had always been a nervous kid...always scared of everything and all the potential awful things that could happen (but rarely actually ever did).  There were a few instances when I was younger where I feared that there might actually be something wrong with me...times when my fears and anxiety was so out of control that I worried I may never get a handle on it again.  But things always calmed down, I always talked myself back into reality and was able to recognize the truth of my fear at the time.  Because of my family history, this was worrisome to me but because I felt mostly in control of things as I got older, I never really put much attention into it.

This past year was like my brain was making up for the last 15 or so years of mostly calmness.  I remember one night, laying in bed crying, thinking, 'this is what it feels like to be crazy!  I am crazy.'  And the next thought, 'what if I never get better and I am like this the rest of my life?!!'.  And then the panic would come.  The heart racing and the stomach turning and the sweating and crying and shaking.  I have never in my life felt such a total loss of control.  There aren't even words I can type here to make you understand that feeling unless you have felt it yourself.  It is a feeling of utter and total helplessness.  A feeling so incredibly sickening and dark that, I am ashamed to admit, led me to even consider the possibility of just swallowing all the pills I had in the bathroom (which at the time was a good number; I had sought help from a psychiatrist and we were trying to figure out what would help) and being done with it.  And then being terrified by the feeling of total relief that idea brought to me.  I can't describe this to you...I was in a pit of darkness.  It was the lowest I have ever been and ever hope to be.

This year I battled something that many people fight.  It is a battle that someone in my life who I love very much fights every day.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the anxiety that it breeds is not a joke or something that one can easily remedy or treat.  It is something that can be all consuming, terrifying, depressing and debilitating.  It is life altering and scary.  It is a part of me and always will be...my brain is wired that way.

All of that said...I am glad this year happened.  (WHAT?? I know, right?)  While it might have been the most absolutely awful year, it was also the most defining.  The most reflective and refining.  When you have been through torment and suffering you often learn the most about yourself.  About the people around you.  And for me, about my God.  He is my God!!!  I have loved Him for a long time and I know He has always loved me...but this year, I learned who He truly is.  He saved my life...He gave me strength when I was so weak I didn't think I would make it through.  He gave me friends who heard my pain and would literally hang up on me to drive to my house and read me scripture and prayed with me, just so I could get through the day.  He gave me my doctors, who were able to find physical means of treatment that have made a world of difference.  He gave me my husband, who if you know him you know how hard this kind of thing would be for him to help me with, but who managed to hold me and reassure me and take care of me, despite my driving him nuts asking him the same questions repeatedly day in and day out.  He gave me prayer warriors who sent me messages at the exact moments they were needed most.  He gave me a pastor who was able to speak truth to me in a way that resonated more than he will ever know...speaking words that to this day I repeat that uplift me and encourage me so so much.  As bad as this year and all of it's discoveries was, it allowed me to start a process of treatment and of enlightenment so powerful that I am fully and entirely altered by it.

Not that God just showed up and snapped His mighty fingers and fixed my brain.  This is an ongoing, never-ending process that takes work.  It takes my effort and time and my desire to BE better.  It takes prayer, and counseling and self-reflection and medication and thought process changes and all kinds of hard work.  But I called to Him and He answered in all those ways.  In so many ways I could go on forever.  I remember several times walking into our prayer meetings at church just leveled by fear and worry and obsessive craziness and I would sit and cry and write and write and write...prayers to God, questions, spilling my heart out.  And a feeling of relief would start to cover me.  A feeling of hope...something that I had been without for a long time.  Here someone would come to pray with me, miraculously knowing just the right words despite knowing nothing of my struggle. Here would come a breathtakingly gorgeous sunset appearing as I walked to my car.  These are the things my God gave to me...these are the things that saved me.

So yes, the girl I was a year ago is gone.  She is now new and she is hopeful.  She is not afraid because she knows there is a purpose for her, a future full of hope.  She is SO incredibly thankful for all her blessings, even (and especially) the house her family calls home.  She is confident in herself and who she is and she is not worried about what others may think of her.  She is not ashamed of her illness but excited at the opportunity to share and grow and educate.  She loves her husband and her kids to death and knows life isn't easy but is proud that she is their mother and his wife.  She is 60 pounds heavier now but she loves herself more than she ever has.   She is not fooled into thinking that everything will always be okay, but instead knows that no matter what comes He is there.  She is a daughter of the one true King and has a relationship that a year ago, she would never have imagined.

The dread, fear and sadness that hung over this past year is gone.  I feel excitement again.  I feel butterflies! (happy ones!!)  I am hopeful and I am confident.  I am strong, I am unapologetic, I am incredibly blessed and I am happy.  I am so unequivocally unbelievably thankful.  I'm thankful for it all.  I am so excited for this new year.  The best is yet to come!!

Mish-Mash of Catch Up (including some actual fitness stuff! Can you believe it?)

So much to catch up on.  Going to try to not make this too long as I'm exhausted and I have a cross stitch I am itching to get back at. (yep, I said cross stitch).

1.  My little baby started kindergarten!!  How is this freaking possible????  I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone.  But I will tell you, I DIDN'T CRY!  I think it's because he's at the same place he was last year and is still all day just like last year, but still!  I am so proud of how well he is adjusting this first week.  His teacher seems to be sweet as pie and I love her to death already.  I'm excited for this year and what growth it will bring in him!

2.  Monday, I will be walking back into the gym and meeting with my old trainer/friend Jami.  I was recently reminded that I still had some sessions on my account so I am going to use them.  With the ridiculous amount of money we have had to put into the house we can't really afford to pay for PT right now so I am so blessed to realize I have a dozen to use.  We are starting with cardio since I can barely walk half a mile without being winded with a sore back, and will add some pilates in to strengthen my core.  I am just about as heavy as I was when I first walked into the gym so long ago to meet with Mandy, so this is a hard, embarrassing, humbling step for me.  But I love Jami and it helps to have a friend to be stepping back into this journey with, so I am ready.  And honestly, I'm not throwing a pity party about it.  Thanks to God and a lot of awesome friends and support in my life, I am learning to love myself so matter what.  So like I've said before, it happened, now I have to fix it.  No use crying over spilled milk!!  I am working to overcome too many other things right now to worry about feeling sorry for myself about my weight.  It will feel SO weird to get back at this fitness journey...it's been so long since I've been dedicated but I am excited for it.  I hate starting this all over, but like Jami said the other day, the beginning is always a good place to start! :)  Get ready everyone!! I am ready to kick some major butt.  PLUS two bits of extra motivation...I went clothes shopping for our Chicago weekend next month and had to buy RIDICULOUS sizes.  Ticked me off SO bad to spend so much money buying new clothes (I donated all the old 'big' ones because "I'm never going to be that size again!!" LOL) when I have a whole closet of awesome hot clothes that I just CAN'T FIT!!  GRRRR!!  AND, we just booked a cruise vacation for February 26th and I SWEAR to you that I will be 100% comfortable with my body by then.  I won't be at my ultimate goal obviously, but I will be a lot closer, a lot healthier and more fit.  There is a hike in the Dominican Republic that I am dying to do but you have to be in good shape.  I WILL be doing that hike.
Get ready friends!!!  I am back at this like never before! ;)

3.  Lastly, and most importantly, on Sunday August 10th I was rebaptized.  On my 25th birthday I was baptized and it really did mean a lot to me.  But I was young in my walk with the Lord, and while I was making a statement, I don't think I truly understood the magnitude of what a decision like that meant.  I am in SUCH a different place now, and have been working on overcoming/defeating SUCH different things.  I have been feeling led to be rebaptized for a few weeks now and there were several signs Sunday that it was time.  My husband wasn't even there and only a couple close friends were able to witness it, it was such a spontaneous thing...if I would have known I would have told the whole world! :)  The past year has led me to a place with God where there is no turning back and this was my final surrender to Him.  I have felt his love pouring out on me in so many ways throughout the trials I've had the past year (in seemingly unbelievable miraculous ways!!), and this was something I needed to do.  I am so proud, and so blessed, and so completely consumed in His grace and love.  No matter what happens I know that as long as I am walking with Him, things will always be okay.

So those are the three biggest things going on with me lately.  Well, and they house.  They are almost done with the patio so fingers crossed, our water problem will hopefully be totally resolved really soon.  Definitely excited for that!

Thanks my friends for reading this, for being out there and being a support in so many different ways.  I am thankful for each and every one of you!!!!

(Could I ever write a short post for once?  Geesh! :)  )

The Next Right Step

Pace quickens, panic begins
things suddenly worse than they've ever been...
Heart is racing, stomach turns
Thoughts are flying of what I might learn.

The fine line of reality quickly gets blurry,
As I frantically search for relief to my fury...
Somewhere deep inside a voice of reason whispers,
But an irrational giant stomps it out as they bicker.

On and on they fight as my tears start to fall,
A battle in my brain, the ultimate brawl.
Will there be elated relief as all is right with my world?
Or the sick pit of dread knowing what 'might' unfurl?

Time will be my answer,
As to the winner of this war...
Until the next spark of doubt,
Ignites it once more.

I wrote this in the very beginning of my struggle a few months ago.  This is, for me, the essence of my obsessions.  Fear of something so irrational; a fight in my mind between the truth and the lies, that I can't manage to grasp control of.  A fear that makes you wear earplugs in the lounge on your luxury cruise so that you don't hear people talking about potential snowstorms, a fear that makes you ask complete strangers questions that *just might* help convince you things are okay, a fear that makes you obsess over your stupid idiotic basement when you are trying to enjoy a waterpark with your beautiful children, or a fear that makes you get down on your knees in the middle of JFK and pray to the Lord for good weather.  I am so thankful that I have God on my side and that I am learning better ways to cope, respond, handle, and move forward but it is definitely a day by day (sometimes minute to minute) process.  A tough part lately I have found is that even when I can gain control and take authority over these fears, I may feel physical relief (my stomach stops hurting, my heart stops racing) but often I am left with a sadness, almost a depression, that is very hard to overcome.  I will be honest and say that some days I just feel like crying all day long (like today :) ).  Luckily I am blessed with amazing friends whose open arms definitely give me relief and a sense of love and reality to all this. 

I would like to say I can read my Bible, say my prayers, take my medicine and tell myself it's okay and BOOM, the thoughts and depression are gone.  But I am on a journey and it is not a simple road.  Some days will be much harder than others but I refuse to live in my misery for the rest of my life and I refuse to allow this crap to steal my life from me.  This is my battle to fight, and with the armor of God, the love of my friends and the strength in my heart I will eventually be victorious; I just have to take the right step.  And then the one after that. 

What if blessings come in raindrops...

When I was in school I always wanted to be a writer.  I wrote poetry, journals, prose, really anything that was on my mind.  For awhile I even planned to major in English and eventually become a professor.  It would come in ebbs and flows, but I always wrote more when I was in a negative place in my life...it was just a way to get all those feelings out.  As years have passed I've gotten away from my writing.  Time, responsibilities and circumstances have changed my priorities and I find myself more often than not struggling to find the right words when I DO want to sit down and get my feelings out. 

I have wanted to write this post for a few weeks now but have found it hard to put into words.  And honestly, hard to even talk about.  But here I am and I want to share it because I truly feel like it will really help me in this process.  And who knows, maybe someone out there is like me and needing to know they are not alone. :)

So I shared on my last update the struggles I have been having with my anxiety and OCD.  Well friends, I would like to say that things just magically cleared up after I figured things out but instead everything kind of just went in the other direction.  I don't want to make this post 100 years long but I'll just say that some more insane CRAP came up with the house and my obsessive thoughts and worries skyrocketed.  We are getting all these new things repaired and fixed and ultimately these issues aren't something to get so worked up about...really it's something that a 'normal' person would just be really irritated by, but tell that to my imbalanced brain.  Long story short, our issues have been all water-related, so every time it would rain I would go into a panic.  Like, heart racing, sweating, hysterical sobbing, lightheaded, hide-under-the-covers-all-day panic. 

I feel like I should share that I grew up with mental illness in my family.  I don't want to get into it but let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and in my family's case no treatment has ever really been sought.  So I've seen the long term effects, repercussions, hurt, pain and torture this can do to a person. 

This brings me to my other part of the problem.  When I would get into a panic, and start constantly obsessing over something, the logical part of me would finally, mercifully take over and remind me that it would be okay, everything would work out (sometimes this would be a result of me asking my husband or friends over and over to reassure me or sometimes it would take me checking certain spots of the basement over and over....).  But then as soon as I felt the relief, I also felt the stabbing fear of familiarity of my youth, a fear of what I know I could easily become and what my life could potentially look like.  It is scary (or a gift?) to actually have been able to see a picture of your potential future.  On one hand it offers you a glimpse of the path that you then know you have to try not to follow, but on the other it gives you a fear of what could happen if it sucks you in.  So I would panic about something, finally find some relief only to be replaced with a different kind of worry about my future and who I truly am as a person.  It's a vicious cycle. 

I'm sorry this is so long, I just want to get all this out.  Thanks for listening if you're still with me at this point.

One morning after a particularly difficult night (one of several where I had contemplated just checking myself into a hospital....) I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone, started crying just out of pure sadness and fear and frustration, and she told me she was coming over and hung up on me LOL.  Now, I have a STRONG faith in God and I believe that this is NOT what he wants for me.  But at where I was that morning, I just honestly felt like I was not hearing Him in my life.  I felt so alone.  My friend came and we talked about this stuff, who I am in Him and what He wants for me.  We prayed and we read scripture out loud (take THAT Satan!) and I felt a lot better.  It opened my eyes to a path that I think I have been avoiding for a long time.  God wants me to get to know Him and who I am in Him.  He is not quiet during this struggle I'm having, he is holding me in His hands and crying with me.  I spent the next couple weeks processing the things we talked about, reading more scripture, sharing with my friends for support and talking with my counselor.  Some days I would have scripture scrawled along my arm just so I could see it at all times (which ironically one day washed away in the heavy rain we had...can I get a break?? LOL).  I also met with my pastor who was a TREMENDOUS help for me.  He is one of the most REAL, honest, down to Earth, caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I am SO thankful for him.  He gave me a huge amount of perspective with this situation.  He helped me realize that:

1. God has a purpose and a plan for me in this life.  I will NOT let this disease steal it from me!
2. I have this problem...it will NOT have me.
3. If my family member knew what I was going through (they are not aware and we don't really talk much) they would tell me to RUN in the other direction as fast as I can.  This for some reason really spoke to me...gives me more strength to fight.
4. This is giving me a new perspective on my family and their problems.  It is allowing me to begin a process of forgiveness, and a place sympathy and care instead of anger. 
5. God wants me to take care of myself.  Spiritually, mentally and physically.  God, my counseling and the gym will be my priorities.
6. I must renew my mind in Him.  This does not mean that I will be 'cured' or never worry or not have struggles anymore, but it will change the way I live and respond to them.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."  Romans 12:1-2

So my friends, here I am today, beginning a new spiritual and physical journey.  I am beginning it with a mess in my head and a 255 or so on the scale but I am hopeful and positive.  Yes, I am 6 lbs away from my heaviest weight ever.  Yes, I checked the weather forecast this evening.  Yes, I cried a little today.  But I don't feel the hopeless, depressive blanket over me anymore.  I am beginning a battle and I will win it because I have God on my side.  And I have the MOST amazing friends and support system that anyone could EVER ask for.  To have someone see you at your lowest, craziest, most insane and hysterical point and still hug you and love you anyway is a feeling that tells me how truly blessed I am.

And tonight, when it rained, I thanked God for the stars behind the clouds.

It's a Beautiful Life

So I just sat here for an hour writing about all the things that have happened in the last year and deleted it all.  It just didn't seem like it was coming out right.  Too many details.  I need to get right to the point. 

I have gained a lot of weight.  Wednesday morning I was at 242.6.  Nope, you're not reading that wrong.  I am not going to sit here and give you a sob story or make excuses, nor am I beating myself up.  Yes, it makes me sad that I feel like I wasted my entire year last year and all the hard work I did, but nothing is a waste if you learn something from it.  All I can do is move on and chose to step forward in faith that I can refocus and that I will succeed at this journey no matter how long it takes. 

In the last year we have sold our old house and bought a new one.  Over the past several months we have had many issues come about in our new place that have caused major stress and anxiety.  It has cost us tens of thousands of dollars to repair these problems, and to be honest, with the kind of person I am, the mental toll of dealing with all this crap has been the worst part.  We did seek legal advice and I won't get into details other than to say we kind of ended up with the short end of the stick with the whole situation, but I am thankful that we had the capability to make the repairs we needed to make.  We are so blessed to have this roof over our heads and now that we are past this really rough patch I am excited to finally start making it feel like OUR home.

With selling the old place, we did a TON of work making it absolutely perfect for the new owners.  It was a LOT of work LOL.  Then we moved into this house, which I already explained how fun THAT was haha.  I had a really hard time dealing with everything going on.  In December, Jeff and I went on a cruise that should have been one of the absolutely most awesome vacations ever.  But I was just 'off' the whole trip.  My anxiety was through the roof over totally irrational things and long story short, I, in essence, ruined the whole trip for both of us.  When we got home things just got worse and worse until I honestly felt like I was going crazy.  I am not saying that sarcastically or jokingly, I truly felt the grip of insanity....it was what I imagined a mental breakdown would feel like.  I was so obsessed with the most irrational, crazy things and so anxious and worried over truly everything in my life, I could barely function.  It was a huge effort to get out of bed, and I am sure that if it weren't for my boys I would have been in bed every possible minute of the day.  I am SOOO thankful to God for my family and my awesome and wonderful friends because honestly I don't think I could have made it through all that without their support.  That state of mind coupled with the extreme CRAP going on in our new house, I just couldn't take it.  I just wasn't functioning in any kind of healthy way, so my husband and I decided that it was time to seek help.  It has been a couple of months now and I am happy to say I am feeling a million times better.  I am going to be honest here and share that I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (which I have somewhat always suspected) and with that comes the extreme anxiety.  I am taking medication now (wow, this post has gotten a lot more open than I planned it to be LOL.  But hey, I've never been one to hold back ;) ) and feel like I have my life back.  I have also gotten AMAZING support from my church and my pastor who really has helped me get past some issues I was dealing with.  I am so grateful to God for carrying me through this trial in my life, and so thankful for all the people in my life that were there to lift me up when I needed it. 

So here we are my friends.  Given all that, I'm okay that I gained weight.  I am not going to throw a pity party, and while I'm obviously not happy about it (who says, "Yay! I gained 40 pounds!!" haha :) )  I am going to forgive myself and move on.  I am thankful for this life I have been given.  I am thankful for my family and my awesome kids and my amazing friends.  I am thankful for this house.  I am thankful for the freedom I have to sit here and share all this with all of you.  I am thankful that I have another day to step back on this path and refocus on me and my health.  I am not perfect, but I will succeed at this in my own way, in my own time.  And I am thankful.