'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

You are so much more than a number!!

Lately all I can think about is our upcoming vacation.  Next month we are heading to Puerto Rico for a couple days and then on a Caribbean cruise.  The kids are staying home so this is just us and I cannot wait.  We did this exact cruise in December of 2013 and to be honest, it was an awful vacation and it was all my fault.  Trips for us are so important to our marriage...we really reconnect and since we have no distractions we get to talk and spend lots of time together that we normally don't get at home.  It is something that is very special to both of us.  But last time, I was SO distracted.  First, I had chipped a tooth the week before we went and even though I got it repaired the day before we left I was still a mess and super anxious.  When we landed it was raining and somehow that got into my head and I couldn't let it go.  I started worrying about what the weather might be like coming home from our trip (we tend to have awful luck when it comes to weather and travel) and it took over all my thoughts the entire week.  I must have looked so strange all week...I would wear headphones in the lounges to keep from hearing other people's conversations for fear they would mention JFK (our connection), or a storm that MIGHT be coming (there wasn't one).  I wouldn't read the news that would come to our room every day because it had a weather update in it and I didn't want to read something bad might be coming.  Same with the TV..I made Jeff keep it on sports the whole time for fear of possibly seeing a newscast.  I spent the entire time fearful for absolutely no reason other than the fact that my brain was stuck.  I couldn't shake it and because of that it overtook all my thoughts and energy.  We didn't have nice conversations, we didn't have relaxing time by the pool or intimate romantic dinners.  We had a week of anxiety and a week of me asking Jeff a million times a day if everything was going to be okay.  I was so distracted I felt so awful and so bad for him as I totally ruined the trip for both of us.

So this trip next month is my do-over.  I have finally gotten these struggles under control and I am so excited to go and ENJOY myself.  To talk, relax, reconnect, all the wonderful things we look forward to on vacation.  I am so happy to be feeling better and nothing is going to stop me from having an amazing time.  My normal stress for vacations before the OCD issues got really bad was my weight...I was always so stressed out about being heavy and trying to find the perfect suit to make me look better, the perfect cocktail dress to keep from being embarrassed.  Ugh, so much energy worrying about what other people would think about what I looked like!  Even up to a month or two ago I was stressing about how to lose the most weight before the trip.  But something came over me the first of the year.  It doesn't matter if I go at the weight I am now or if I was 50 pounds lighter...I am the same person either way.  I amount to more than what the numbers on the scale says!  I don't need anyone's approval to make ME enjoy my trip (or my life!).  I went through too much last year and grew too much as a person to waste my energy worrying about being embarrassed of what I look like.  So I made a decision when I started this journey again at the first of the year to stop beating myself up.  If I lose some weight before the trip that is awesome, but I don't need to go crazy and starve myself or some other craziness to lose SO MUCH weight beforehand.  I decided that from now on my life will be one of health and good habits.  A life where I don't care what some stranger on a cruise might think about my swimsuit or my dress.  A life where I love myself instead of belittling who I am and what I look like.

And you know what's funny?  Once I made that decision my excitement for this trip, and even for life on a daily basis, multiplied astronomically.  I look forward to every single thing about this vacation, and I can honestly say I haven't felt that way in a really really long time.  This time I will be making up for all the wasted moments I've had worrying about so many unnecessary things....the weather, my clothes, my weight, our flights, all those things that took up space in my mind.  I am so thankful that God has allowed me to grow in Him and realize who I am as a person, and more importantly who I'm NOT.  :)


Friday, January 16, 2015

This is the year!

We are only two weeks into 2015 and I already feel like so much has happened!  That is the problem with my being a inconsistent blogger....I end up with too much to say in one post!  Gotta work on more frequent postings. :)

First off, I'm really proud to say that I'm down 11 pounds so far this month!  6 pounds last week, and 5 this week.  I know progress won't always be so awesome but it's a good place to start!  I've been working really hard with my nutrition.  I've given up sugar completely for the time being...I think that I am going to try to stick with it until vacation (Feb 26th!) and then be very limited after that.  I've also given up white carbs for the most part.  While I have had rice, mashed potatoes, etc. here and there, I have given up the rolls with dinner, bread, etc..  Really I just have carbs (esp white carbs) once a day.  And I'm drinking tons and tons of water! I do allow myself a coke zero as long as I've had at least 8 glasses of water first.  But even a coke zero feels like a treat!

It's so funny how much you start to enjoy food when you start eating to LIVE instead of living to EAT.  For a snack sometimes I have cherries and it amazes me how simple and sweet they are.  I know it may sound silly, but when you cut out sugar your tastebuds start to recognize NATURAL sweetness and everything just tastes better.  You're all probably laughing at me right now but it's really amazing to me!  It just shows you how crappy my eating has been for so long now!  I had a rice cake with peanut butter the other day and honest to goodness it was like the best treat ever!  It is so great to be able to ENJOY healthy food instead of being annoyed with it.

The other factor that's helping with this progress is MOVEMENT!  I've tried to be a lot more focused on my fitbit so I am constantly moving.  I don't always hit my 10,000 steps a day but I try!  I'm still at my 2 pilates sessions a week (LOVE!) and I'm trying to get at least a couple treadmill 5K's in a week as well.  I am still slow as can be but I'm getting there!  I did my 1st official (virtual) 5K of 2015 on the first, and have another one coming up on the 24th (that one downtown...PLEASE let it be at least 30 degrees!).  It feels so amazing to be back in the gym and back to eating healthy.  I really feel like a new person this year.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and last year was just preparing me to be in the place I am now.  I feel so strong and so confident, I know it won't happen overnight (or even close) but I have no doubt that this is the time for me to change and finally live a healthy life...physically AND mentally.  This is our year my friends, we can do it!!!  :)