Lately all I can think about is our upcoming vacation. Next month we are heading to Puerto Rico for a couple days and then on a Caribbean cruise. The kids are staying home so this is just us and I cannot wait. We did this exact cruise in December of 2013 and to be honest, it was an awful vacation and it was all my fault. Trips for us are so important to our marriage...we really reconnect and since we have no distractions we get to talk and spend lots of time together that we normally don't get at home. It is something that is very special to both of us. But last time, I was SO distracted. First, I had chipped a tooth the week before we went and even though I got it repaired the day before we left I was still a mess and super anxious. When we landed it was raining and somehow that got into my head and I couldn't let it go. I started worrying about what the weather might be like coming home from our trip (we tend to have awful luck when it comes to weather and travel) and it took over all my thoughts the entire week. I must have looked so strange all week...I would wear headphones in the lounges to keep from hearing other people's conversations for fear they would mention JFK (our connection), or a storm that MIGHT be coming (there wasn't one). I wouldn't read the news that would come to our room every day because it had a weather update in it and I didn't want to read something bad might be coming. Same with the TV..I made Jeff keep it on sports the whole time for fear of possibly seeing a newscast. I spent the entire time fearful for absolutely no reason other than the fact that my brain was stuck. I couldn't shake it and because of that it overtook all my thoughts and energy. We didn't have nice conversations, we didn't have relaxing time by the pool or intimate romantic dinners. We had a week of anxiety and a week of me asking Jeff a million times a day if everything was going to be okay. I was so distracted I felt so awful and so bad for him as I totally ruined the trip for both of us.
So this trip next month is my do-over. I have finally gotten these struggles under control and I am so excited to go and ENJOY myself. To talk, relax, reconnect, all the wonderful things we look forward to on vacation. I am so happy to be feeling better and nothing is going to stop me from having an amazing time. My normal stress for vacations before the OCD issues got really bad was my weight...I was always so stressed out about being heavy and trying to find the perfect suit to make me look better, the perfect cocktail dress to keep from being embarrassed. Ugh, so much energy worrying about what other people would think about what I looked like! Even up to a month or two ago I was stressing about how to lose the most weight before the trip. But something came over me the first of the year. It doesn't matter if I go at the weight I am now or if I was 50 pounds lighter...I am the same person either way. I amount to more than what the numbers on the scale says! I don't need anyone's approval to make ME enjoy my trip (or my life!). I went through too much last year and grew too much as a person to waste my energy worrying about being embarrassed of what I look like. So I made a decision when I started this journey again at the first of the year to stop beating myself up. If I lose some weight before the trip that is awesome, but I don't need to go crazy and starve myself or some other craziness to lose SO MUCH weight beforehand. I decided that from now on my life will be one of health and good habits. A life where I don't care what some stranger on a cruise might think about my swimsuit or my dress. A life where I love myself instead of belittling who I am and what I look like.
And you know what's funny? Once I made that decision my excitement for this trip, and even for life on a daily basis, multiplied astronomically. I look forward to every single thing about this vacation, and I can honestly say I haven't felt that way in a really really long time. This time I will be making up for all the wasted moments I've had worrying about so many unnecessary things....the weather, my clothes, my weight, our flights, all those things that took up space in my mind. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to grow in Him and realize who I am as a person, and more importantly who I'm NOT. :)
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