'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Next Right Step

Pace quickens, panic begins
things suddenly worse than they've ever been...
Heart is racing, stomach turns
Thoughts are flying of what I might learn.

The fine line of reality quickly gets blurry,
As I frantically search for relief to my fury...
Somewhere deep inside a voice of reason whispers,
But an irrational giant stomps it out as they bicker.

On and on they fight as my tears start to fall,
A battle in my brain, the ultimate brawl.
Will there be elated relief as all is right with my world?
Or the sick pit of dread knowing what 'might' unfurl?

Time will be my answer,
As to the winner of this war...
Until the next spark of doubt,
Ignites it once more.

I wrote this in the very beginning of my struggle a few months ago.  This is, for me, the essence of my obsessions.  Fear of something so irrational; a fight in my mind between the truth and the lies, that I can't manage to grasp control of.  A fear that makes you wear earplugs in the lounge on your luxury cruise so that you don't hear people talking about potential snowstorms, a fear that makes you ask complete strangers questions that *just might* help convince you things are okay, a fear that makes you obsess over your stupid idiotic basement when you are trying to enjoy a waterpark with your beautiful children, or a fear that makes you get down on your knees in the middle of JFK and pray to the Lord for good weather.  I am so thankful that I have God on my side and that I am learning better ways to cope, respond, handle, and move forward but it is definitely a day by day (sometimes minute to minute) process.  A tough part lately I have found is that even when I can gain control and take authority over these fears, I may feel physical relief (my stomach stops hurting, my heart stops racing) but often I am left with a sadness, almost a depression, that is very hard to overcome.  I will be honest and say that some days I just feel like crying all day long (like today :) ).  Luckily I am blessed with amazing friends whose open arms definitely give me relief and a sense of love and reality to all this. 

I would like to say I can read my Bible, say my prayers, take my medicine and tell myself it's okay and BOOM, the thoughts and depression are gone.  But I am on a journey and it is not a simple road.  Some days will be much harder than others but I refuse to live in my misery for the rest of my life and I refuse to allow this crap to steal my life from me.  This is my battle to fight, and with the armor of God, the love of my friends and the strength in my heart I will eventually be victorious; I just have to take the right step.  And then the one after that. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

What if blessings come in raindrops...

When I was in school I always wanted to be a writer.  I wrote poetry, journals, prose, really anything that was on my mind.  For awhile I even planned to major in English and eventually become a professor.  It would come in ebbs and flows, but I always wrote more when I was in a negative place in my life...it was just a way to get all those feelings out.  As years have passed I've gotten away from my writing.  Time, responsibilities and circumstances have changed my priorities and I find myself more often than not struggling to find the right words when I DO want to sit down and get my feelings out. 

I have wanted to write this post for a few weeks now but have found it hard to put into words.  And honestly, hard to even talk about.  But here I am and I want to share it because I truly feel like it will really help me in this process.  And who knows, maybe someone out there is like me and needing to know they are not alone. :)

So I shared on my last update the struggles I have been having with my anxiety and OCD.  Well friends, I would like to say that things just magically cleared up after I figured things out but instead everything kind of just went in the other direction.  I don't want to make this post 100 years long but I'll just say that some more insane CRAP came up with the house and my obsessive thoughts and worries skyrocketed.  We are getting all these new things repaired and fixed and ultimately these issues aren't something to get so worked up about...really it's something that a 'normal' person would just be really irritated by, but tell that to my imbalanced brain.  Long story short, our issues have been all water-related, so every time it would rain I would go into a panic.  Like, heart racing, sweating, hysterical sobbing, lightheaded, hide-under-the-covers-all-day panic. 

I feel like I should share that I grew up with mental illness in my family.  I don't want to get into it but let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and in my family's case no treatment has ever really been sought.  So I've seen the long term effects, repercussions, hurt, pain and torture this can do to a person. 

This brings me to my other part of the problem.  When I would get into a panic, and start constantly obsessing over something, the logical part of me would finally, mercifully take over and remind me that it would be okay, everything would work out (sometimes this would be a result of me asking my husband or friends over and over to reassure me or sometimes it would take me checking certain spots of the basement over and over....).  But then as soon as I felt the relief, I also felt the stabbing fear of familiarity of my youth, a fear of what I know I could easily become and what my life could potentially look like.  It is scary (or a gift?) to actually have been able to see a picture of your potential future.  On one hand it offers you a glimpse of the path that you then know you have to try not to follow, but on the other it gives you a fear of what could happen if it sucks you in.  So I would panic about something, finally find some relief only to be replaced with a different kind of worry about my future and who I truly am as a person.  It's a vicious cycle. 

I'm sorry this is so long, I just want to get all this out.  Thanks for listening if you're still with me at this point.

One morning after a particularly difficult night (one of several where I had contemplated just checking myself into a hospital....) I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone, started crying just out of pure sadness and fear and frustration, and she told me she was coming over and hung up on me LOL.  Now, I have a STRONG faith in God and I believe that this is NOT what he wants for me.  But at where I was that morning, I just honestly felt like I was not hearing Him in my life.  I felt so alone.  My friend came and we talked about this stuff, who I am in Him and what He wants for me.  We prayed and we read scripture out loud (take THAT Satan!) and I felt a lot better.  It opened my eyes to a path that I think I have been avoiding for a long time.  God wants me to get to know Him and who I am in Him.  He is not quiet during this struggle I'm having, he is holding me in His hands and crying with me.  I spent the next couple weeks processing the things we talked about, reading more scripture, sharing with my friends for support and talking with my counselor.  Some days I would have scripture scrawled along my arm just so I could see it at all times (which ironically one day washed away in the heavy rain we had...can I get a break?? LOL).  I also met with my pastor who was a TREMENDOUS help for me.  He is one of the most REAL, honest, down to Earth, caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I am SO thankful for him.  He gave me a huge amount of perspective with this situation.  He helped me realize that:

1. God has a purpose and a plan for me in this life.  I will NOT let this disease steal it from me!
2. I have this problem...it will NOT have me.
3. If my family member knew what I was going through (they are not aware and we don't really talk much) they would tell me to RUN in the other direction as fast as I can.  This for some reason really spoke to me...gives me more strength to fight.
4. This is giving me a new perspective on my family and their problems.  It is allowing me to begin a process of forgiveness, and a place sympathy and care instead of anger. 
5. God wants me to take care of myself.  Spiritually, mentally and physically.  God, my counseling and the gym will be my priorities.
6. I must renew my mind in Him.  This does not mean that I will be 'cured' or never worry or not have struggles anymore, but it will change the way I live and respond to them.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."  Romans 12:1-2

So my friends, here I am today, beginning a new spiritual and physical journey.  I am beginning it with a mess in my head and a 255 or so on the scale but I am hopeful and positive.  Yes, I am 6 lbs away from my heaviest weight ever.  Yes, I checked the weather forecast this evening.  Yes, I cried a little today.  But I don't feel the hopeless, depressive blanket over me anymore.  I am beginning a battle and I will win it because I have God on my side.  And I have the MOST amazing friends and support system that anyone could EVER ask for.  To have someone see you at your lowest, craziest, most insane and hysterical point and still hug you and love you anyway is a feeling that tells me how truly blessed I am.

And tonight, when it rained, I thanked God for the stars behind the clouds.