The Next Right Step

Pace quickens, panic begins
things suddenly worse than they've ever been...
Heart is racing, stomach turns
Thoughts are flying of what I might learn.

The fine line of reality quickly gets blurry,
As I frantically search for relief to my fury...
Somewhere deep inside a voice of reason whispers,
But an irrational giant stomps it out as they bicker.

On and on they fight as my tears start to fall,
A battle in my brain, the ultimate brawl.
Will there be elated relief as all is right with my world?
Or the sick pit of dread knowing what 'might' unfurl?

Time will be my answer,
As to the winner of this war...
Until the next spark of doubt,
Ignites it once more.

I wrote this in the very beginning of my struggle a few months ago.  This is, for me, the essence of my obsessions.  Fear of something so irrational; a fight in my mind between the truth and the lies, that I can't manage to grasp control of.  A fear that makes you wear earplugs in the lounge on your luxury cruise so that you don't hear people talking about potential snowstorms, a fear that makes you ask complete strangers questions that *just might* help convince you things are okay, a fear that makes you obsess over your stupid idiotic basement when you are trying to enjoy a waterpark with your beautiful children, or a fear that makes you get down on your knees in the middle of JFK and pray to the Lord for good weather.  I am so thankful that I have God on my side and that I am learning better ways to cope, respond, handle, and move forward but it is definitely a day by day (sometimes minute to minute) process.  A tough part lately I have found is that even when I can gain control and take authority over these fears, I may feel physical relief (my stomach stops hurting, my heart stops racing) but often I am left with a sadness, almost a depression, that is very hard to overcome.  I will be honest and say that some days I just feel like crying all day long (like today :) ).  Luckily I am blessed with amazing friends whose open arms definitely give me relief and a sense of love and reality to all this. 

I would like to say I can read my Bible, say my prayers, take my medicine and tell myself it's okay and BOOM, the thoughts and depression are gone.  But I am on a journey and it is not a simple road.  Some days will be much harder than others but I refuse to live in my misery for the rest of my life and I refuse to allow this crap to steal my life from me.  This is my battle to fight, and with the armor of God, the love of my friends and the strength in my heart I will eventually be victorious; I just have to take the right step.  And then the one after that.