I am not in a good mood. I am tired and worn out and hungry. Well, not really. I don't even think I'm hungry, I just want some 'good' food. I want a big huge baked potato with butter and a diet coke and a big piece of cake with buttercream frosting. Hell, I'd even like to have a string cheese that is in the fridge right now. Or a jellybean. I am feeling SO frustrated.
Like an idiot I gave in and weighed myself this morning which is stupid. I was at 204. Which is awesome! But I wasn't happy with it. What is wrong with me that I can't be happy with that? I guess I have just started to get frustrated with the BORING eating I am doing on this cleanse challenge that I am just irritated with everything. I was hoping I would hit under 200 Saturday but that sure as hell isn't going to happen. I am still having wonderful progress I guess, I just was really hoping to hit that number this weekend. All I can think about today is food and it is driving me insane.
From the first of the year I had a really good routine going on where I would eat really great all week (small portions, limited carbs and mostly brown, rare treat, lots of veggies, etc.) and then on Saturdays I would have a meal out and have mostly whatever I wanted. I was having AWESOME progress with that and after this challenge, that's what I will be doing again. But I think with this challenge I make it 5 or 6 days and then my body is like, ok, give me something good. Which is what happened last Friday...and now I feel the exact same way today. I mean, doesn't a body need carbs? I am seriously hating everything about this right now.
And when I feel like that I end up hating other things too. I start to wallow in my circumstances and I get mad at myself for all the old reasons. I hate that I let myself get like this and I hate that I have to work SO damn hard just to get to where I should've stayed in the first place. I hate that I walked through the mall today and couldn't have the french fries or the cookie or even a diet coke, and there were tons of other people that could. And were skinny. Who knows, maybe they eat healthy most of the time and workout everyday...they probably deserve that damn cookie! But today they annoy me. I hate that when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I still have so far to go. I hate that I have been at this since January of 2011 and I am only down 57 pounds in over 27 damn months. I hate that I didn't work harder the first 2 years I was on this journey. I hate that I have to dedicate a huge percentage of my day to concentrating on this path....getting ready to get myself and two kids to the gym, fitting in workouts, getting up at 5 to get there, thinking about what I'm going to eat, avoiding what I'm not supposed to, trying to make sure I get enough water all day (which I also hate). I hate that I wasn't this person from the start...I am so mad at myself for letting this happen. I even hate myself right now for being mad at myself. I have issues.
So I just read over what I just wrote and was tempted to delete it all and just keep this stuff to myself. But that wouldn't be honest and that's my goal with this whole journey is to be open about it all...the good and the bad. And this is just a vent, don't worry, I'm not going to cancel my gym membership or binge eat the rest of the night. I am going to try really really hard to keep on plan today. I know ultimately tomorrow is a new day. Here's praying I feel a little more control and a little less frustration in the morning. :)
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8 comments:
I'm glad you didn't delete the post! Trust me.. been there, done that! But... you are thinking too far ahead. Don't look at the big picture, just think of those next 5 pounds. And once you hit that 5 pound mark... guess what? You WILL be in ONEderland! And who cares if you have been doing this for 5 months or 27 months. You are taking all the necessary steps to get you back to being healthy and in the end that is really the main goal. Not a number on the scale! Your family is so proud of how far you have come and I am too. We got this! Bad days happen! And I'm about to throw a cheese nerdy quote at you from my favorite tv show, Firefly... "When you can't run, you crawl. When you can't crawl... you find someone to carry you." We are here for you!
Is anything lacking in your diet with this cleanse? Maybe that could be what is the underlying root of the cranky, know what I mean?
Michelle you are inspiring me to make healthy choices and break a sweat everday. You came into my life with the same goals I have at the right time. Believe in yourself and feel good about your progress. Just because the number on the scale doesn't go down doesn't mean a positive change isnt occuring to your body right now. I'm sure your blood levels are better, your ticker is stronger, and your legs are strong. And as for the cravings, it's a mind game. Don't deprive yourself. Tell Yourself I can have 1 cookie and enjoy it when my cleanse is over.
Hello Michelle,
Hope you feel better expressing your feelings! I wanted to tell you that I saw you at the gym yesterday and was impressed by how focused, fierce, and determined you are! You are achieving your goals! I can just hear Mandy saying "if it were easy, everyone would do it" or "I didn't say it would be easy, but it will be worth it" :) You are achieving your goals of being healthier every time you make a good food choice or set a good example to your kids by going to the gym.
Desiree'...girl, I just love you sister:) You are so right...the time frame doesn't matter, all that matters is that it happens one way or the other. I love the quote too:) Thanks for that. As for the food lacking...I dunno. I feel like I am definitely cranky without carbs but I've only felt like this a couple days. I think I just need to broaden my horizons in general...look up some new recipes or something! Thanks girl!!
Meredith, thanks so much for saying that, that means a lot. You're totally right and I need to focus on that stuff more often...I honestly used to get a little chest tightness here and there when I exercised and I haven't felt that in months...not to mention all the other good stuff. You are SOOOO right on the cravings!! I even thought that all day...like if I could just psych myself up enough to squash those thoughts I'd be good. Reading this totally helped me do that, thanks girl!! I will definitely treat myself to some kind of small indulgence when this is over;) Thanks for the kind words :)
Anonymous- thanks so much:) I can totally hear her saying that, that so made me smile:) And thanks for the reminder on the kids thing...I so want my boys to think of me as healthy and I want to raise them that way. :) Thanks for the sweet comment!
Hey girl, first of all, everyone has days like this and the fact that you had a hard day is normal. The time frame for losing the weight isn't what is important. What is important is the fact that you did it...YOU did it! And remember that you had a baby in that time frame also so that will adjust things also. Second, I am glad you didn't delete this post. You need to be honest with how u are feeling and not keep it in. You are doing great!! Keep at it!! You will get there. Call me if you need to and/or keep talking via this page. We are all here for you!! Kate
Kate, you are awesome. Thanks so much for that...you're right, it does feel better to get it out because it helps me move on. Thanks for sticking with me through this all the past few years!! Couldn't get anywhere without all the support. :) Love ya girlie!!
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