The post in which I confess my imperfection.

I screwed up.  I ate off plan yesterday.   I probably could have told you I was going to early in the day, but I did at least manage to make it to late last night before I caved.  Ugh!!! So mad at myself. 

So Luke has been getting a cold, and yesterday his eyes started getting goopy and gross.  Ian had a field trip so my mom was nice enough to take the baby since I couldn't put him in daycare for the trip.  The field trip was awesome, but we had to pack a lunch and the schedule of the morning totally screwed up my cleanse plan (having to eat every 2 hours, have snack mid-morning, etc..).  By the time we ate our pack lunches I was starving, and the veggies, fruit and diced chicken I brought was NOT hitting the spot to say the least.  Afterwards I went to meet mom to pick up Luke and it was time for my afternoon drink and vitamins, as well as afternoon snack but I had not anticipated being gone so long so I didn't have them with me.  Luke ended up being even worse so I had to get him to the doctor quickly before they closed for the weekend (massive pinkeye and horrible ear infection...his eardrum was bulging!  Poor little baby!!) which put us even later.  By the time we got home from the pharmacy it was so late it was dinnertime.  I was exhausted all day from being up with Luke all night the night before and I just was in such a horrible mindset.

All day long in my head I was trying to negotiate with myself, make a plan on how I could just have SOMETHING I was craving and then get back to it...how I could give in just a LITTLE...and I kept shutting that down.  I honestly feel like yesterday was the hardest day I have had in years.  I felt like a crazy person with all the back and forth I had going on in my head!  When I met mom to get Luke we were at the mall, and mom was drinking diet coke, Ian had gotten Chik-Fil-A for lunch, I was dying.  I don't know where my willpower went yesterday, but by last night I just caved.  I don't know if I am trying to be too strict with this cleanse (my version seems a little different from others I have seen?) or if I just had a weak day or was just too tired or what.  There's no real excuse for it.  I tried to refocus on my goals...on my progress...on all the awesome things I've been doing and accomplishing lately.  I tried to think about the AMAZING NSV's (non scale victories!) I've had lately (those are the things I was/am going to post about in my last post) but nothing could get me over the hump yesterday. 

I was going to not share this here because I am so frustrated and pissed off that I couldn't even go 6 freaking days on this cleanse without jacking it up, but I figured that I had to because this honestly is just part of the process.  I am not perfect, and this journey is not going to be perfect.  I'm going to have ups and downs and unfortunately this is one of the down moments.  I don't want to write this blog and not be honest about my imperfection.  It's easy for me to write and post when I'm really happy and motivated and having great results but it's harder for me when it's not a great day or I'm struggling.  Part of that is because a couple years ago in this blog (and in life, really) I was in a constant bad place...a TON of negative talk and lots of bad days.  When I look bad to that time or read old posts it's just sad and it reminds me of how bad I never want to be that person again. 

But here's the difference I can make now that I didn't do then.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it and I'm not going to wallow in it.  I am going to look at the positives in the situation (I didn't binge, I didn't go batshit crazy and eat everything in sight, I had a couple little things and went to bed) and I am going to figure out how to avoid losing control in the future (I'm thinking that maybe next time I will try to lift some weights or do a little workout when I'm feeling that struggle..those endorphins typically kick the temptations to the curb) and I am going to move on.

I got up this morning, had my cleanse drink that I was supposed to, had my breakfast and am on my second bottle of water.  I am 54 pounds less than I was when I started...I raced Ian to the entrance of the gym this morning without so much as a deep breath...and I put a pair of size 16 jeans on this morning (SIXTEEN!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!????! WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!)  I am on the right track on this journey and a little bump in the road isn't derailing me.  I'm thankful that today is a new day.