Coming out of the dark

Things have been a little better the past few days. I can't really put my finger on it, can't explain exactly what has changed but I feel like things are looking up. Or at least my outlook is. I have been praying a lot and I have a lot of amazing fantastic friends that are praying for me and thinking about me and it's really making a difference. I still am fighting those feelings but I just keep rebuking it all and telling myself I will get through this and that it is going to be ok. And deep down, even on tough days, I know it will.

It really is true that ultimately my weight weighs heaviest (haha didn't even mean to be funny) on my heart. It effects all aspects of my life and others lives around me as well (mainly Ian and Jeff). Every action I take in my life I am reminded of how out of control I have become, how I have slipped into laziness and gluttony (there's really no denying that that's what it is). I pick up Ian, I am out of breath. I bend over to pick things up and it's hard to breath...hell, today I dropped my sunglasses in my bosses office as I was saying goodbye for the day and humiliated myself just scooping them up off the ground. Jeff and I go on a walk and I get winded one time around the block and my back aches. The list could do on and on. I've made a list of 100 reasons I want/need to lose weight. There are a million more but yet here I am. Please don't take this as whining, I'm simply writing, simply expressing my thoughts and feelings. Why is it that when (most) people become this way they stay this way? A huge percentage of the world is obese or morbidly so (don't know the numbers, don't really care). Do we like being like this? Do we enjoy feeling totally uncomfortable in every situation and do we love feeling like a huge spotlight is on us wherever we go? Of course not. And yet we remain this way. I've already written about the addiction aspects of it all. Is that the root of it? Or is there a underlying fundamental weakness in us all that keeps us from succeeding? There are overweight CEOs, missionaries, millionaires, charity organizers, wonderful parents, teachers, nurses, etc. etc.. Obviously these people aren't lazy. They aren't slobs who have no willpower or desire to commit to anything, which is exactly the stigma that overweight people have. So what is it? I mean, the reasons I listed above are bad enough, but we all know what risks there are for being overweight when it comes to cancers, heart disease, etc. and yet even THAT isn't motivating enough. I have a son who depends on me for EVERYTHING and who I love more than I can even put into words...and yet I am failing at this. So it's perplexing. I'm not making excuses for myself or releasing myself from responsibility of becoming and staying this way, I am just wondering, what is my problem??? What is it going to take?