Landslide

There is so much I need to share/confess/vent/ brainstorm/lament/process that this entire post is really just going to be a ridiculously LONG page of word vomit. I'm just warning you now, so proceed at your own risk.

The past few weeks I feel like I have hit rock bottom in my life. I have had some pretty low moments through the years (who hasn't) but looking back nothing really can compare to how I have felt in the past couple of weeks. I usually have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to blog about before I sit down at the computer, but tonight I've been sitting here for a half hour and still don't know where to begin. All I know is that I need to write. I need to release it, let it all out.

I have been feeling pretty much worthless. I have been fighting these thoughts in my mind about how awful a person I've become, what an awful wife, mother, what an awful WOMAN I have become. Fighting thoughts about how fat I am, how unloving, how hot-tempered and judgemental I am. How I never pay enough attention to Ian or to Jeff, how I have completely let myself go and have turned into the ugliest person I could ever imagine...how I have let my marriage slid down the tubes, how I blow up at every little thing that happens in my life. I've had these awful thoughts about how I had planned to be this wonderful mother and I feel like I am nothing like what I wanted to be like-that I am failing miserably- that my son would be better off with anyone but me as his mom - at least he'd have someone that was happy to love him. And as much as my marriage has been struggling and as frustrated as I am with Jeff for certain things, I also have been fighting thoughts that HE deserves a much better wife, one that isn't fat and ugly...he deserves the woman he married and I am not her. I haven't been able to stand my reflection in the mirror, haven't been able to stand mySELF...I've tried to be cheery and loving around Ian and give him all the love and hugs and attention like I always have but I am terrified he can feel my unease, my sadness inside, my almost hatred for myself. And even more terrifying, the thought that my quick temper to yell or give the silent treatment to Jeff when I'm upset (lately it seems he could sigh too loudly and anger me beyond belief) will plant that seed of nervousness in my son, make him think his parents don't love each other, make him have THAT feeling...which I have always SWORE I will NEVER do.

This has been a constant feeling for me the last few weeks. I've cried a lot, I've had days better than others, but every day I've thought, man, what a piece of work you've become. And I can't really explain where this comes from. There wasn't some big event that spurred this, no apocalyptic epiphany that threw me into this downward spiral, nothing like that. I think it was just a compilation of things...I got off track with my eating which caused me to gain back the weight I lost before. I am still struggling with being a new mom...it is NOT easy being a parent...it is challenging every single day and totally exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally (yet I would never ever change it- my son is God's greatest gift to me, my true joy). My marriage is strained; Jeff is working so hard to finally be done with residency and I am so grateful and so proud of him; but it's hard for both of us with his schedule and a new baby...I can't do everything that needs to be done for Ian along with keeping the house and we battle on responsibilities. Those three things...my marriage, my motherhood, and my health - they weigh heavy on your heart and mind when they aren't as they should be. So I've struggled the past few months, trying to lose the weight, trying to figure out how to be the perfect mother, trying to be a good wife...and I haven't been really great (or great at ALL in some cases) at any of them. I slip a little here, a little more there, until I'm on a landslide and I've hit the bottom.

So where to go from here? Just typing it all helps...getting it down, this confession, this release, it helps and feels good. I finally shared this struggle with my church group the other night and it was something I should have done a long time ago. My faith is strong...I love God with all my heart and I know I am His child...I was made in His image and He loves me and doesn't see all these awful things I see in myself. I have allowed myself to fall into this pit by not rebuking this attack. And yet while I feel so pitiful and so worthless, it does comfort me to know I am in His lap, and that God is sad too when I am struggling so. My problem with all this, all that is happening in my life right now, is that I feel like I don't know where to begin to pray for help...it's so big, such a huge obstacle that I don't know where I am supposed to start to make it better. So I just pray that God would show me where to begin to fix my life. I pray for God to help me see myself the way that He sees me. I've struggled and cried and been so frustrated the past few weeks because I just don't see a way out, a fix to all this. But truly, this is the only out...I cannot live hating myself. I may be stuck in this terrible body for now, I may take awhile to 'get' the parenting thing, and I may struggle with being a perfect (ok, even a good) wife, but deep down I know, and I just have to keep reminding myself of this and praying for this, I know that I CAN shed this shell of myself and be healthy again, be the person I am supposed to be. I love my son in a way words can't give justice too and I know that THAT will make me a good mother in the end. And I know that Jeff and I have been together for almost 13 years now and we ARE infinitely devoted to each other, that in the end no struggle can overcome us. These things I know are true. Someday I will look back at this period of my life and be so proud that I made it through the way that I did. It's just so hard right now because unfortunately someday isn't today, and tomorrow won't be either. All I can do is pray that maybe it will be a start.