Lost and Found

So it's been over a month since I have written. I needed to take a break and do some introspection...it's been a good few weeks and I feel uplifted. There are a lot of things in my life that I am working on right now, my weight and health being only one of them. I have always struggled a great deal with anxiety and nervousness, and the past year or so it has really come to a head. The severity of the feelings I get isn't something that I can fully explain unless you've experienced it yourself, so I'll just leave it at that. But I've been really working on this and I'm feeling positive. Tonight I actually felt the urge to sit back down at my keyboard and write something. So here I am!

I've been back on board the health train for a few weeks now after having tumbled off in a fit of binges and lack of self-control. I'm down 10 pounds, currently at 234.2 (My new starting weight was 244.2 when I got back on track). I actually haven't really been following a plan, I've just been eating healthier and eating less, as well as exercising whenever I get the chance. The last week or two have actually been pretty difficult...Jeff and I went out for Fathers Day to a fancy dinner and I think that became a little bump in the road for me, and I haven't been AS steadfast since. But I'm still at it:)

Friday I went to pick up Ian from my parent's house and mom and I ended up taking a video on her camera of Ian laughing (it was pretty hysterical...he was cracking up!). I was holding him while mom filmed, and when I watched it back, I was mortified. I can't even believe I look the way that I do. Since I've lost 10 pounds, I've been feeling pretty good, I am even wearing a pair of capris I haven't worn since before I got pregnant. But then I see a video of myself like this and it blows me away. Sometimes I think that this challenge is just too big, that it's not possible for me to be thin again. Even NORMAL again. 10 pounds is great, but when you have 100 to lose, it's a drop in the bucket, and it's very easy to get overwhelmed.

My brother-in-law is the family genealogist and photo archiver. Today he sent me a ton of emails full of old pics of the family, including some of me during the first few years that Jeff and I were dating (we will have been together 13 years this December!). I love looking at old pics, it's one of my favorite things. But sometimes it's really hard. I see the person I used to be and it just kills me inside. Here's the one that really got to me today.....

Yea, it's a goofy shot, I'm a dork, I know. But I love this picture. I was a happy, fun and beautiful (it's my blog and I'll toot my horn if I want to;) girl. I long to be this person again... When I find pictures like this it makes me so sad...to think about what I have done to myself over the last ten years just rips me apart (yes, I am aware that I did this to myself, that it's no ones fault but my own, but that doesn't change how it makes me feel). I sometimes even fantasize about what drastic thing I would do or what I would sacrifice to look like that again. And often I cry. I just can't help it...to see that person, who I used to be, letting that person slip away is my biggest regret in life. Really, it's probably my only true regret.

But I am going to chose not to do those things this time. I am not going to daydream about the amount of money I would pay to look like that again, and I'm not going to imagine the bargain I could offer. I'm not going to dwell on how wonderful I felt back then, I'm not going to curse myself for losing control. And I'm not going to cry. Instead I am going to find her. She is here, somewhere. Sometimes we talk, sometimes after a long workout I feel her here again, telling me that I can do it, I can keep this up. Once and awhile after a few good days of eating really healthily, I hear her whispering little thoughts in my head, positive little ideas that tell me I can succeed at this. It's in moments like those that I know she's not lost forever. She is waiting for me, I just have to keep working at this, keep looking, and I'll find her.

on a break

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. ~ Anais Nin

Coming out of the dark

Things have been a little better the past few days. I can't really put my finger on it, can't explain exactly what has changed but I feel like things are looking up. Or at least my outlook is. I have been praying a lot and I have a lot of amazing fantastic friends that are praying for me and thinking about me and it's really making a difference. I still am fighting those feelings but I just keep rebuking it all and telling myself I will get through this and that it is going to be ok. And deep down, even on tough days, I know it will.

It really is true that ultimately my weight weighs heaviest (haha didn't even mean to be funny) on my heart. It effects all aspects of my life and others lives around me as well (mainly Ian and Jeff). Every action I take in my life I am reminded of how out of control I have become, how I have slipped into laziness and gluttony (there's really no denying that that's what it is). I pick up Ian, I am out of breath. I bend over to pick things up and it's hard to breath...hell, today I dropped my sunglasses in my bosses office as I was saying goodbye for the day and humiliated myself just scooping them up off the ground. Jeff and I go on a walk and I get winded one time around the block and my back aches. The list could do on and on. I've made a list of 100 reasons I want/need to lose weight. There are a million more but yet here I am. Please don't take this as whining, I'm simply writing, simply expressing my thoughts and feelings. Why is it that when (most) people become this way they stay this way? A huge percentage of the world is obese or morbidly so (don't know the numbers, don't really care). Do we like being like this? Do we enjoy feeling totally uncomfortable in every situation and do we love feeling like a huge spotlight is on us wherever we go? Of course not. And yet we remain this way. I've already written about the addiction aspects of it all. Is that the root of it? Or is there a underlying fundamental weakness in us all that keeps us from succeeding? There are overweight CEOs, missionaries, millionaires, charity organizers, wonderful parents, teachers, nurses, etc. etc.. Obviously these people aren't lazy. They aren't slobs who have no willpower or desire to commit to anything, which is exactly the stigma that overweight people have. So what is it? I mean, the reasons I listed above are bad enough, but we all know what risks there are for being overweight when it comes to cancers, heart disease, etc. and yet even THAT isn't motivating enough. I have a son who depends on me for EVERYTHING and who I love more than I can even put into words...and yet I am failing at this. So it's perplexing. I'm not making excuses for myself or releasing myself from responsibility of becoming and staying this way, I am just wondering, what is my problem??? What is it going to take?

A New Day

So I'm feeling a bit better today. The last day or so have been nice, I've gotten to spend some time with Ian, time with my mom, and some with Jeff too. I've gotten a chance to talk with a couple good friends (I am so thankful for my awesome friends) and I've spent a lot of time thinking and praying. I read a friend's blog that really spoke to me (check out http://stepintofold.blogspot.com - so awesome). I also was able to sit down with Jeff and we had a little heart to heart...I shared a lot of the things that I've been feeling lately and I feel really positive about all of this.

I was telling a friend today that I would like to be able to write "there's no where to go from here but up!". But then I think, yes there is. You can wallow around at the bottom for a long time before you figure out where to go or what to do. I think someone can hit rock bottom and just be stagnant...just lie there and wonder what the hell happened and how they got there. The question for myself is how long am I going to lie here? How long am I going to hate myself and pity my life and what I've made (or haven't made) of it? It's MY choice to either rise up and climb out or to remain in this place. This dark, accusatory, shitty place, this place that is sucking the life out of me. And today I feel like I might be moving towards taking the first step up.

Landslide

There is so much I need to share/confess/vent/ brainstorm/lament/process that this entire post is really just going to be a ridiculously LONG page of word vomit. I'm just warning you now, so proceed at your own risk.

The past few weeks I feel like I have hit rock bottom in my life. I have had some pretty low moments through the years (who hasn't) but looking back nothing really can compare to how I have felt in the past couple of weeks. I usually have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to blog about before I sit down at the computer, but tonight I've been sitting here for a half hour and still don't know where to begin. All I know is that I need to write. I need to release it, let it all out.

I have been feeling pretty much worthless. I have been fighting these thoughts in my mind about how awful a person I've become, what an awful wife, mother, what an awful WOMAN I have become. Fighting thoughts about how fat I am, how unloving, how hot-tempered and judgemental I am. How I never pay enough attention to Ian or to Jeff, how I have completely let myself go and have turned into the ugliest person I could ever imagine...how I have let my marriage slid down the tubes, how I blow up at every little thing that happens in my life. I've had these awful thoughts about how I had planned to be this wonderful mother and I feel like I am nothing like what I wanted to be like-that I am failing miserably- that my son would be better off with anyone but me as his mom - at least he'd have someone that was happy to love him. And as much as my marriage has been struggling and as frustrated as I am with Jeff for certain things, I also have been fighting thoughts that HE deserves a much better wife, one that isn't fat and ugly...he deserves the woman he married and I am not her. I haven't been able to stand my reflection in the mirror, haven't been able to stand mySELF...I've tried to be cheery and loving around Ian and give him all the love and hugs and attention like I always have but I am terrified he can feel my unease, my sadness inside, my almost hatred for myself. And even more terrifying, the thought that my quick temper to yell or give the silent treatment to Jeff when I'm upset (lately it seems he could sigh too loudly and anger me beyond belief) will plant that seed of nervousness in my son, make him think his parents don't love each other, make him have THAT feeling...which I have always SWORE I will NEVER do.

This has been a constant feeling for me the last few weeks. I've cried a lot, I've had days better than others, but every day I've thought, man, what a piece of work you've become. And I can't really explain where this comes from. There wasn't some big event that spurred this, no apocalyptic epiphany that threw me into this downward spiral, nothing like that. I think it was just a compilation of things...I got off track with my eating which caused me to gain back the weight I lost before. I am still struggling with being a new mom...it is NOT easy being a parent...it is challenging every single day and totally exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally (yet I would never ever change it- my son is God's greatest gift to me, my true joy). My marriage is strained; Jeff is working so hard to finally be done with residency and I am so grateful and so proud of him; but it's hard for both of us with his schedule and a new baby...I can't do everything that needs to be done for Ian along with keeping the house and we battle on responsibilities. Those three things...my marriage, my motherhood, and my health - they weigh heavy on your heart and mind when they aren't as they should be. So I've struggled the past few months, trying to lose the weight, trying to figure out how to be the perfect mother, trying to be a good wife...and I haven't been really great (or great at ALL in some cases) at any of them. I slip a little here, a little more there, until I'm on a landslide and I've hit the bottom.

So where to go from here? Just typing it all helps...getting it down, this confession, this release, it helps and feels good. I finally shared this struggle with my church group the other night and it was something I should have done a long time ago. My faith is strong...I love God with all my heart and I know I am His child...I was made in His image and He loves me and doesn't see all these awful things I see in myself. I have allowed myself to fall into this pit by not rebuking this attack. And yet while I feel so pitiful and so worthless, it does comfort me to know I am in His lap, and that God is sad too when I am struggling so. My problem with all this, all that is happening in my life right now, is that I feel like I don't know where to begin to pray for help...it's so big, such a huge obstacle that I don't know where I am supposed to start to make it better. So I just pray that God would show me where to begin to fix my life. I pray for God to help me see myself the way that He sees me. I've struggled and cried and been so frustrated the past few weeks because I just don't see a way out, a fix to all this. But truly, this is the only out...I cannot live hating myself. I may be stuck in this terrible body for now, I may take awhile to 'get' the parenting thing, and I may struggle with being a perfect (ok, even a good) wife, but deep down I know, and I just have to keep reminding myself of this and praying for this, I know that I CAN shed this shell of myself and be healthy again, be the person I am supposed to be. I love my son in a way words can't give justice too and I know that THAT will make me a good mother in the end. And I know that Jeff and I have been together for almost 13 years now and we ARE infinitely devoted to each other, that in the end no struggle can overcome us. These things I know are true. Someday I will look back at this period of my life and be so proud that I made it through the way that I did. It's just so hard right now because unfortunately someday isn't today, and tomorrow won't be either. All I can do is pray that maybe it will be a start.

Heaviness

I've been sitting here for 45 minutes trying to figure out how to start this entry tonight. There are a number of things that have been weighing heavily on my heart the past few weeks and I just want to share them here...just to vent, to spread awareness and to elicit prayers for anyone out there who may feel compelled.

As some of you are already aware, or may be able to tell from my blog list, I follow a blog called Matt, Liz & Madeline (http://www.mattlogelin.com) and it is AWESOME. I discovered this blog when I was pregnant last summer and spent four hours straight reading it, learning all about (obviously) Matt, Liz and Madeline. I've followed it nearly every day since. I encourage you to check out this site, but long story short, Matt is a widower, who's wife (Liz) died 27 hours after giving birth to their first child (Madeline). He is a truly amazing man and father, and has dealt with his loss and challenge of being a single father to a newborn with strength and a ridiculous amount of courage. His blog makes me smile, laugh uncontrollably (he is completely hysterical) and sob like a baby. To top it off he has started The Liz Logelin Foundation which collects donations to help support other families who face crisis like his. He is awesome. If you haven't checked out his blog you need to.

Wow, got a little off track there. So I was checking in on Matt's blog about a week ago when he posted an entry about a friend of his. A woman named Heather. A woman who just lost her child. Her 1 1/2 year old little girl, also named Madeline, or Maddie as they call her. Heather has a blog too at http://www.remembermaddie.com and when I read this on Matt's page I went and read about Maddie. And it totally ripped my heart out. It's a really long story, but basically Maddie was very premature when she was born and has had to live with various lung problems and other issues (it's all on the site) but a couple weeks ago, out of nowhere she came down with a fast-acting lung infection and she died. She freaking died. I am starting to cry typing this as I have many times in the past few weeks thinking of her and Heather and Maddie's dad, Mike. Please read the blog...this is an astounding family and my heart is aching for them. Saturday the 25th they had been preparing for the March of Dimes 5K; their goal was to raise $3000....the total ended up being over $50,000. Heather also did a speech at the walk (also on her page) that was one of the most courageous and heart-wrenching things I've ever read. I read page after page of her entries, and I just sit here totally and completely helpless. I donated money to the cause, but really, that didn't quench the need I feel right now to help...and yet I have no idea how. I could email her, and tell her I'm praying for them and that my heart goes out to them, but it would only be one of thousands who've done it before me...and does that really help? I have been a prayer warrior for her and the family, and shed tears almost every day since I read it but the helpless feeling lingers. So I'm putting this out here for everyone to read...please check out her site, if you have the means to donate to the March of Dimes, please do.

There is actually a couple other things on my mind I want to share but it's getting late and I don't want this to be too long so I will save it for next time. One thing I do want to mention is a 10K walk I am doing this Sunday at Goodale Park. It's the Great Strides walk for Cystic Fibrosis and I am so excited to be participating. My co-worker and friend, Melissa, has a 9 month old little girl named Lauren who was diagnosed with CF right after she was born. She is adorable, sweet, funny and so full of personality and it tears me up when I think about how she is sick. Not too many people know about CF, but it is a lung disease that is very serious and it does not have a cure at this time. (Check out http://www.cff.org if you want more info). Melissa has AMAZED me with the way she has handled Lauren's diagnosis. Ian and Lauren are 2 months apart, so obviously we shared our pregnancy experiences together, and now that we both have infants, we share our stories and frustrations as new moms all the time:) But Melissa has to deal with much more than I could ever imagine; there are so many breathing treatments, meds, enzymes, special feeding schedules etc. that she has to juggle. Worst is the emotional aspect...knowing Lauren's prognosis breaks my heart to pieces...to see Melissa cry sometimes knowing that the odds are she will most likely outlive her daughter just makes me ache for her. She is so strong, she has been from the very beginning and it blows me away. I think of Ian, if it were him, and I feel nauseous by the idea, I can't even imagine what I would do if it were a reality. And yet for Melissa it IS a reality. It is her life and she has to deal with knowing the truth each and every day when she looks at her daughter.

So we are doing the walk...as the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation says...they want to make CF stand for Cure Found. I'm trying to do my part, however little it may be. Please think of us on Sunday...if anyone is interested and want to donate my page is http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/MichelleHawley or you can just go to the CF page above and go to "Great Strides" and enter my name as a walker. Melissa has thrown herself into this cause, and I am so proud of her, not only for this walk but for the way she has handled the whole situation that is her life. She says a lot "Life is 10% what you're given and 90% how you react to it". I pray for that attitude. So we're walking and I'm praying and praying. God weeps with us when these things happen...He carries us.

Thanks for reading:)

When you're ready to be done with this....you'll be done

Confession time. I have fallen, yet again, off the wagon. I've been struggling SO bad I can't even stand it, and to be honest, I've been dreading posting on here as I am embarrassed and was not looking forward to sharing my failure with everyone (it's always easier to deny you're screwing up when no one knows about it!;) But then I had a little discussion with myself and realized that this blog is ABOUT sharing my failure:) And my successes too of course, but we can't succeed all the time...journeys have hills and valleys and you don't get to the destination without enduring it all along the way. So here I am...a few pounds heavier but here nonetheless.

Have had some really good conversations with a couple awesome friends in the past few days and have gained some serious wisdom. Today I was hanging out with one of my best friends- she has struggled with some of the same issues as me. She has always been unbelievably supportive of me (as are so many of my friends...I am so blessed!!!) and we had a conversation about this whole struggle I've been having. She told me about a situation in her life she was struggling through and someone told her "When you're ready to be done with this...you'll be done with it". I've been letting those words sink in the past few hours. Can it be that I just have not been "ready" to be done with this weight battle? The gut instinct is for one to say, of course I am ready to be done with it! Can't you see how frustrated I am? But truly, maybe I haven't been ready. Yes, there is genetics, yes there is my thyroid condition, and the addiction of food, but really, when you truly are ready to be done with it, you'll be done. We've all read the articles in the magazines where someone lost half their body weight; one day they just woke up, found the strength within themselves, and decided that they were done with being fat. My friend is at that place now and she is doing so wonderful losing weight...I think this is true..you can have all the obstacles in the world, the deck stacked totally against you, but if you decide it's time, nothing has the power to stop you..there are no excuses.

Another conversation I had was with someone I also look up to so much...he has lost almost 100 pounds...it is truly inspiring. It's been a long process, he has changed all his habits...stopped drinking soda, started packing lunch, stopped eating fast food, etc. etc. and he looks incredible. He's one of my best friends and has always been there to listen to me (usually to listen to me bitch about something or other ;) This topic came up...his success totally inspires me and I was asking for his insight. He made a lot of good suggestions, but one thing he said really stuck out to me. I was whining about all the crappy ways that my weight effects my life and when I was done, he said (in a nice way), if it makes you so miserable you would think that that would give you the drive to do something about it. It's so true...I hate how I feel, I hate how I look, I have no clothes that fit, I am constantly embarrassed of myself, the list goes on and on, and yet, I haven't made any long-term changes or eliminated any of my bad habits. So what do I expect? I will continue to be miserable if I don't change. I have no excuses..I am this way because I allowed myself to become this way, and I remain in this state because I have made no long-term life changes. That's all there is to it. When I am ready to be done with this, I will be done. I will wake up in the morning, find within myself the strength and willpower that I need, and be done with being fat. I pray that morning is tomorrow.

Dopamine is a Bitch

Yesterday I got back on track hardcore. As I mentioned I had been really off course and struggling but yesterday I got my butt in gear. Food wise I have been great, making good choices and staying in control. But mentally I am going nuts! I have been thinking about food pretty much every hour all day for the last two days. It's so awful when you get off plan because it is SO difficult to get that motivation back. Your cravings come back, your body forgets how good it feels eating so healthy and not being stuffed, and all the power and control you felt making those good choices goes flying out the window. And it takes days to get that back. It's called ADDICTION.

Dopamine is a bitch. Food addiction is all about science (ok, I won't say it's all about science, because obviously we have free will and as hard as it is we CAN chose to NOT eat bad food...but science plays a big big part). Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain that plays a big role in all kinds of different behaviors. In many cases it makes you feel good, gives you feelings of pleasure and satisfaction, and who wouldn't want that?? So we grow to desire those feelings more and more. And guess what folks? Food releases dopamine. This is food addiction...this is why we crave food, this is why I have thought about it all day for two days. This is why I am going NUTS! :) We eat, the food releases dopamine, it makes us feel good, so we want to eat more to keep feeling good. It's a vicious circle.

I was thinking about this the other day. My "circle" goes like this. I make a plan to start getting on track; I think "tomorrow, I'm going to start this and I am going to DO it!!". So I eat whatever I want that day, I give myself a treat the night before because "it's my last chance" before I get really serious. So that night I'm feeling awesome, I'm so pumped and motivated and I have all these grand plans of how I'm going to be perfect and lose so much weight, yada yada yada. Then the next morning I get up and I might do okay for a few hours, or even for most of the day, but my mind is always on food, it's always thinking about when the next meal is or what I could have on this 'diet'. And (obviously) more times than not, I end up blowing it and I give in and eat something I shouldn't...even binge at times. The night before is almost like a high for me...and then the next day when I'm limiting what I'm eating (translation: eating like a normal person) my body is like, whoa, where is all that awesome food you've been giving me? I am craving that pleasure, those effects of the dopamine...that satisfaction. It's an addiction, and the first day of eating healthy and normal is like being in withdrawal. It's all you think about. And all that can help is time. Eventually you adapt to the new levels, the new intake, and little by little you feel better, and what you do eat makes you feel good and you get that motivation through your healthy choices. But the first few days aren't fun. There is noone in this world that could ever convince me that people can't be an addicted to food. And I am an addict, no doubt.

Here's to kicking the habit.