Happy Easter!

Whew.  I feel so much better today I can't even tell you.  I feel like myself again...almost relieved if I'm being honest.  And I'm ready to kick some butt this week!

Today was Easter and we had a great time with family this weekend.  The boys were absolutely adorable if I do say so myself.  Check it out....

 

It was a good day.  Although it was tiring as Luke is crawling so fast and getting into so much we can barely keep up with him!  But it's awesome to see him getting excited about things.  And boy does that boy have a temper!!  When he can't have something that he runs across in his travels he gets MAD.  He's not his mama's boy at all! ;)

Bonus for me, I even managed to take a couple of pics that I don't completely hate.  Here's me and mom...

 

 

 

It's kinda nice to take a pic that I don't immediately delete. LOL.  It was a nice weekend on that front...I even FINALLY got into a spandexy type workout shirt I bought from Target a few months ago that I have been dying to wear but just haven't been able to.  There are pics of that under the 'progress pics' tab at the top of this page.  I was so excited to wear it to pilates Saturday (I'm not ballsy enough yet to wear it for a normal PT session!  Maybe a couple more weeks). 

I took today off from working out to relax a little and I enjoyed it.  But I have to admit I did miss it a little!!  Now that the running has been a little more consistent I'm actually craving it!  AND the weather is getting a little nicer so I am looking forward to getting outside and trying a run there instead of the treadmill.  I've always struggled with running outdoors...time-wise I am always tons slower on the pavement.  So I'm excited to give it a shot.  OH!  And I have these awesome new kicks....

I met a guy at the gym who overheard me talking to Aaron about my hip pain and he told me I should try Brooks Pureflow's.  So I tried some on and I love them!  I heel-strike SO bad and Aaron is always trying to get me to run more on my toes...in other words, run more naturally and less on my heels.  These shoes totally do that for me.  The first day I ran in them I did 4 miles easy in just under an hour and I felt like I could even go longer.  The next day my calves were sooorrrreeeee but that just confirmed that they are doing what they are supposed to.  Love these shoes!

That's it for now.  Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!!!  Happy Easter friends!!

I'm not a quitter...but...

I quit this cleanse.  It has turned into something that, for me, is not healthy.  I love the idea of it and I mostly love the results but it is not worth it to me.  I have always been an all or nothing person, and that has been my downfall in many ways in my life.  It has taken me years to learn that there is a middle ground and it doesn't have to be all or nothing, but I still struggle with that outlook sometimes.  That perspective has been nothing but trouble for me...in the past it's led to binging and restricting and all kinds of other bad things.  With this cleanse, I have done wonderfully for the past 2 weeks.  The other day when I was struggling I managed to stay focused and I didn't even go off plan at all.  But the strictness of it is really messing with my head and I don't like that.  I am tired of the food choices (or lack thereof..which is partly my fault as I am picky and don't care for fish, etc.), and bored with my meal plans.  It's gotten to the point where I only have a few bites of my meal because I'm so bored with it.  So I just stop eating it and go on with my business.  Which is leading into bad habits for me and it's causing me to dislike the healthy food that I was doing so well with before I started this cleanse.  For example, I am so sick of plain salad with grilled chicken that I don't even want to THINK about eating a salad, even WITH a little cheese, a couple croutons and a little dressing...which is what I would have had before for a meal and I would have absolutely been in heaven (and is perfectly fine for me to eat).  It is making me crave things that I haven't even missed since I really started getting healthy on my own the first of the year.  My body is CRAVING food that on this plan, I can't have.  I don't know if it's that my running is trying to burn carbs that I don't have (I've been running 3-4 miles 3x a week now at least!  woo hoo!!) or if I'm getting too much protein but my body is not happy.  I weighed in this morning at 202.8 which is fabulous.  I am really happy with that, but it is not much better than I could do on my own, as I've consistently lost around 2 lbs a week since the beginning of the year.  I measured this morning and I have not lost more than 1-2 inches, which astounds me.  I am totally stumped on that one.  The results aren't even the issue though...it's what's going upstairs that concerns me.

So I had a LONG talk (i.e. therapy session haha) with Jami this morning and we decided to call it quits with this 24 day challenge.  I am SO thankful for her (and Aaron both) because she really helped me talk through things and helped work with me to realize what was the best choice for me, my health and my body.  I am proud that I made it 2 weeks and I will definitely keep using the products because I really do love them!  But foodwise I need to go back to my own healthy habits I was establishing and find that middle ground again.  I was feeling really low thinking about stopping, and being embarrassed that I couldn't make it through, especially knowing I was going to have to come here and post about it, but it is the right thing to do for me.  I want to be clear....this is a great cleanse, a great plan and I am positive that it would be awesome for lots of people out there.  There is nothing wrong with the plan.  And I am really sorry if I have disappointed anyone or let you down.  It's just that for me, with my mindset, longterm goals, and especially my history, it just isn't the right choice for me.  I am proud of the habits I have built since the first of the year and I am looking forward to getting back to that.  I am excited to be excited about healthy food again! :)

This has been a really good (and humbling) learning experience for me.  I'll definitely be using some of the plan's ideas in my own journey going on....like drinking at least a gallon of water a day, eating several small meals (I've never been good at that one!) and having protein with every meal.  I have 41 more days before the final weigh-in for my 90 day challenge, and I'm really pumped to kick it into high gear for these final few weeks.  I feel spiritually, physically and mentally the best I have felt in years and I am so excited for all the possibilities this journey holds!

This isn't going to be pretty...

I am not in a good mood.  I am tired and worn out and hungry.  Well, not really.  I don't even think I'm hungry, I just want some 'good' food.  I want a big huge baked potato with butter and a diet coke and a big piece of cake with buttercream frosting.  Hell, I'd even like to have a string cheese that is in the fridge right now.  Or a jellybean.  I am feeling SO frustrated.

Like an idiot I gave in and weighed myself this morning which is stupid.  I was at 204. Which is awesome!  But I wasn't happy with it.  What is wrong with me that I can't be happy with that?  I guess I have just started to get frustrated with the BORING eating I am doing on this cleanse challenge that I am just irritated with everything.  I was hoping I would hit under 200 Saturday but that sure as hell isn't going to happen.  I am still having wonderful progress I guess, I just was really hoping to hit that number this weekend.  All I can think about today is food and it is driving me insane. 

From the first of the year I had a really good routine going on where I would eat really great all week (small portions, limited carbs and mostly brown, rare treat, lots of veggies, etc.) and then on Saturdays I would have a meal out and have mostly whatever I wanted.  I was having AWESOME progress with that and after this challenge, that's what I will be doing again.  But I think with this challenge I make it 5 or 6 days and then my body is like, ok, give me something good.  Which is what happened last Friday...and now I feel the exact same way today.  I mean, doesn't a body need carbs?  I am seriously hating everything about this right now. 

And when I feel like that I end up hating other things too.  I start to wallow in my circumstances and I get mad at myself for all the old reasons.  I hate that I let myself get like this and I hate that I have to work SO damn hard just to get to where I should've stayed in the first place.  I hate that I walked through the mall today and couldn't have the french fries or the cookie or even a diet coke, and there were tons of other people that could.  And were skinny.  Who knows, maybe they eat healthy most of the time and workout everyday...they probably deserve that damn cookie!  But today they annoy me.  I hate that when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I still have so far to go.  I hate that I have been at this since January of 2011 and I am only down 57 pounds in over 27 damn months.  I hate that I didn't work harder the first 2 years I was on this journey.  I hate that I have to dedicate a huge percentage of my day to concentrating on this path....getting ready to get myself and two kids to the gym, fitting in workouts, getting up at 5 to get there, thinking about what I'm going to eat, avoiding what I'm not supposed to, trying to make sure I get enough water all day (which I also hate).  I hate that I wasn't this person from the start...I am so mad at myself for letting this happen.  I even hate myself right now for being mad at myself.  I have issues.



So I just read over what I just wrote and was tempted to delete it all and just keep this stuff to myself.  But that wouldn't be honest and that's my goal with this whole journey is to be open about it all...the good and the bad.  And this is just a vent, don't worry, I'm not going to cancel my gym membership or binge eat the rest of the night.  I am going to try really really hard to keep on plan today.  I know ultimately tomorrow is a new day.  Here's praying I feel a little more control and a little less frustration in the morning. :)

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

It's been a pretty successful weekend.  After my little stumble Friday evening I got back on track hardcore and am feeling really good.  I have been great with my eating...even tried a new recipe that turned out AWESOME.  Well, not really a recipe...it was basically spaghetti squash with marinara chicken but it was delicious!  I just baked some chicken breasts in the oven covered in some all natural marinara sauce and then put then over the squash.  I couldn't believe how good it was for how simple it was to make.  Pretty excited!!  On this cleanse there is a definitely a lack of flavor in my opinion (so far...I'm working on branching out) so this was a nice change!

I have lots of awesome successes to share!!  I feel like the last week or two things have really come to a head with my progress.  I've been working on losing weight for so long, and often I really felt like nothing was changing and I wasn't getting anywhere.  But all of a sudden things are starting to happen!! I am starting to notice changes...and even better, other people are too!!  The last few weeks people have started to comment on how I look like I'm losing weight, or that I look smaller.  SOO awesome to hear that!!  I think it's common to not be able to tell a difference when we look at ourselves everyday...it's a lot easier for someone else to notice when they only see you once and awhile.  I'm not going to lie...I could hear that kind of thing all day long!  Especially on the rough days where I look in the mirror and I'm still so frustrated. 

I do have some concrete evidence of progress however.  Check this out:

 

Can you guess what store this is from? I'll tell you what store it's NOT from!! It's NOT from Lane Bryant!!! This is from NY&CO! And not only that, but I bought a size large!!!  A LARGE!!  Don't get me wrong, I bought 3 shirts and the other 2 were definitely XL's....I even tried a size 18 dress on that I couldn't even get over my chest, but it's a start!!  I don't even remember the last time I wore a large!  I almost got a little teary walking around the store looking at all the awesome clothes...I finally see a far off light at the end of the tunnel.  To be able to go into a regular store and buy something is a feeling I haven't had in as long as I can remember.  I told Jeff that as soon as I am under 200 (SOOO close!!!) I am going back and I am taking the credit card haha:) And the day I can buy PANTS in a regular store...I may throw a party!!

So motivating to be seeing and feeling some changes.  The last week has been so hard, so these things are definitely coming at a really good time.  God knew what I needed this week!! :)  I did decide that I am going to try REALLY hard to hold off on weighing myself until next Saturday.  I am so close to being under 200 that I just want to give myself a few days without seeing a number.  I doubt I can get there by then, but I bet I'll be pretty close!  So excited!

Also, for those of you who have asked, Luke is doing a LOT better, thank you!!  He was crawling all over the place today, even trying to pull himself up to stand.  He's so close!  Before I know it he'll be walking.  I'll be in big trouble then!! :)

Have a great week friends!

The post in which I confess my imperfection.

I screwed up.  I ate off plan yesterday.   I probably could have told you I was going to early in the day, but I did at least manage to make it to late last night before I caved.  Ugh!!! So mad at myself. 

So Luke has been getting a cold, and yesterday his eyes started getting goopy and gross.  Ian had a field trip so my mom was nice enough to take the baby since I couldn't put him in daycare for the trip.  The field trip was awesome, but we had to pack a lunch and the schedule of the morning totally screwed up my cleanse plan (having to eat every 2 hours, have snack mid-morning, etc..).  By the time we ate our pack lunches I was starving, and the veggies, fruit and diced chicken I brought was NOT hitting the spot to say the least.  Afterwards I went to meet mom to pick up Luke and it was time for my afternoon drink and vitamins, as well as afternoon snack but I had not anticipated being gone so long so I didn't have them with me.  Luke ended up being even worse so I had to get him to the doctor quickly before they closed for the weekend (massive pinkeye and horrible ear infection...his eardrum was bulging!  Poor little baby!!) which put us even later.  By the time we got home from the pharmacy it was so late it was dinnertime.  I was exhausted all day from being up with Luke all night the night before and I just was in such a horrible mindset.

All day long in my head I was trying to negotiate with myself, make a plan on how I could just have SOMETHING I was craving and then get back to it...how I could give in just a LITTLE...and I kept shutting that down.  I honestly feel like yesterday was the hardest day I have had in years.  I felt like a crazy person with all the back and forth I had going on in my head!  When I met mom to get Luke we were at the mall, and mom was drinking diet coke, Ian had gotten Chik-Fil-A for lunch, I was dying.  I don't know where my willpower went yesterday, but by last night I just caved.  I don't know if I am trying to be too strict with this cleanse (my version seems a little different from others I have seen?) or if I just had a weak day or was just too tired or what.  There's no real excuse for it.  I tried to refocus on my goals...on my progress...on all the awesome things I've been doing and accomplishing lately.  I tried to think about the AMAZING NSV's (non scale victories!) I've had lately (those are the things I was/am going to post about in my last post) but nothing could get me over the hump yesterday. 

I was going to not share this here because I am so frustrated and pissed off that I couldn't even go 6 freaking days on this cleanse without jacking it up, but I figured that I had to because this honestly is just part of the process.  I am not perfect, and this journey is not going to be perfect.  I'm going to have ups and downs and unfortunately this is one of the down moments.  I don't want to write this blog and not be honest about my imperfection.  It's easy for me to write and post when I'm really happy and motivated and having great results but it's harder for me when it's not a great day or I'm struggling.  Part of that is because a couple years ago in this blog (and in life, really) I was in a constant bad place...a TON of negative talk and lots of bad days.  When I look bad to that time or read old posts it's just sad and it reminds me of how bad I never want to be that person again. 

But here's the difference I can make now that I didn't do then.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it and I'm not going to wallow in it.  I am going to look at the positives in the situation (I didn't binge, I didn't go batshit crazy and eat everything in sight, I had a couple little things and went to bed) and I am going to figure out how to avoid losing control in the future (I'm thinking that maybe next time I will try to lift some weights or do a little workout when I'm feeling that struggle..those endorphins typically kick the temptations to the curb) and I am going to move on.

I got up this morning, had my cleanse drink that I was supposed to, had my breakfast and am on my second bottle of water.  I am 54 pounds less than I was when I started...I raced Ian to the entrance of the gym this morning without so much as a deep breath...and I put a pair of size 16 jeans on this morning (SIXTEEN!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!????! WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!)  I am on the right track on this journey and a little bump in the road isn't derailing me.  I'm thankful that today is a new day.

Cleanse- Day 5 and going strong!

There is so much I want to post about tonight that I don't even know where to begin.  And to be honest, I am so damn tired I probably won't even be able to get to half of it!  But I wanted to at least check in.

Today is day 5 and it's going pretty well.  I definitely feel good, and I do notice that I feel more energetic in general.  And get this...I don't even want the snacks I am supposed to have most of the time.  I really haven't been hungry much at all, which really surprises me.  Another weird thing I noticed...my teeth are a little whiter!  LOL I know that is so strange but I think going from drinking SO much pop and water with MIO and such to nothing but a gallon or more of plain water a day is good for my teeth!  Or maybe I'm insane and imagining things.  Either way, I'm going with it. 

Here are my weigh-in's so far for this challenge:
Sunday starting weight: 212.8
Monday: 209.6
Tuesday: 207.6
Wednesday: 207.8
Thursday: 206.2

Initially I didn't have a ton of plans to lose any huge amount on this challenge...was looking for a few pounds, but really just wanted to refocus and get some motivation back.  I have to say though, the results so far have me pretty excited.  I have slightly less than 2 months before the end of my 90-day challenge and I want to win SOOO bad.  In addition, I am 6.3 pounds away from ONEderland!!!  Which I hadn't planned on hitting until June.  It's just really motivating to see the numbers moving.  I know a lot of it is still water weight, but regardless, this is 100% clean eating and that is really showing me how beneficial natural foods are.  To be eating absolutely nothing processed has me feeling better, more energetic and obviously my body agrees with it.  Yes, I am taking their supplements and such, but honestly, I really feel like the food, along with the portions, is the key. 

I haven't been watching my club's leaderboard for the 90-day challenge but I am really curious as to where I would fall right now.  Aaron asked me today if I had looked at it lately (I told them I wouldn't because it screws with my head) and I haven't, but I do want to see it.  He made me a deal that I could look once I'm under 200. I told him that worked because I plan on that happening super soon!  When I started the challenge I was at 226.6.....this morning was at 206.2 so 20 pounds so far!!!  Hopefully I can add a good amount to that in the next two months.  I can tell Aaron is excited too...he is dying for 'his' client to win.  And so am I.  ;)

Lots more to share but bed is calling my name.  And Project Runway.  Priorities!! ;)

Settling In

Today was a better day.  To start, I weighed in this morning at 207.6 which is 2 down from yesterday.  I was so excited to see that number!!  However, at this point I know that 1) I was so sick yesterday I didn't have ANYTHING in my stomach and 2) the loss from this cleanse so far is mostly water weight.  So while the number is motivating, I know it will not keep it up like that.  I need to be prepared for it to stall and vary, and that's ok!  I'm so excited for ONEderland that I can't even stand it, but I will be patient. :)

I'm feeling a lot better today.  I'm still a little shaky and queasy, but I managed to get all my meals in with no problem.  I think I am getting into the groove with things.  I did have a headache off and on but thankfully it wasn't as bad as yesterday.  Fortunately (and unfortunately) I have confirmation today that it's definitely not the cleanse because Jeff is sick as a dog...still is even tonight.  I feel so bad for him!  This season has been a killer for us!  My mom and I spent today cloroxing the house LOL :)  Whatever crazy virus is in this place I want it out!! 

So who watched Biggest Loser last night?  I don't think I have ever been more inspired or motivated by anyone on any season as I was of Danni last night.  I could not believe my eyes when she came on stage.  Unbelievable.  Where was her loose skin??  She was CRAZY buff and SO beautiful.  I am so inspired...especially when I realized that her starting weight was only 3 pounds less than my starting point was.  It makes me so excited to see her, because it shows me what is possible.  Of course, it's going to take me a hell of a lot longer to get there, but I will get there!  I can't wait to see muscles like that in the mirror...to wear a dress like that and have a thin face like that.  I can almost taste it...so sweet. :)

Day 2- What a day!

So today was a weird day.  Got up and had breakfast, etc. just fine, and headed out to the gym.  Got almost 3 miles running in before Jami got there and we walked a couple more together.  Had lunch just fine too, but around 3 this afternoon I felt like I got hit by a truck.  I was shaky, had chills, was weak, really sick to my stomach, and had a MASSIVE headache.  My family has been SO sick lately....Friday night Ian was sick with a bad stomach bug and then had a fever all day Saturday, then that night Jeff got sick and stayed that way the rest of the weekend.  He was still feeling poorly today, and came home with a little stomach issue as well.

I ended up feeling worse and worse until finally it hit me and I had to run to the bathroom where I stayed for awhile.  Then after I felt much better and now, I almost feel normal.  I have a lingering headache, and my stomach is still a little queasy but I was able to eat 'dinner' (couldn't have everything I was supposed to but managed some brown rice and chicken).  So I'm totally confused...I don't know if I was having a reaction to the cleanse, or if I had a weird quick little bug.  Yesterday I felt totally fine so I really don't think it's a bug...and the spark drinks have lots of caffeine so I don't think it's caffeine withdrawal.  The only thing cleanse-related that I think it could be is maybe sugar withdrawal?  I don't know...I'm going to see how tomorrow goes.  If I feel this way again I'm going to have to do some modifying because I canNOT feel like this again.  It was the worst I have felt since I had food poisoning a year or so ago.  My house has been a big sickfest though, so who knows.  Either way, I hope it's over for good!

Until I got sick, I was feeling pretty great again today.  It's so weird because I don't really feel hungry!  I thought I would be starving to death but I haven't had big issues with that (thankfully!).  Here's what my day looks like:

First hting out of bed: Fiber drink, Spark drink
Breakfast: carb/veggie/protein (I have taken the meal replacement shake for this because I am majorly crunched for time in the mornings)
Mid-Morning Snack: healthy fat (like nuts or avocado or something)  & fruit or a Muscle Gain shake and a fruit
Lunch: carb/veggie/protein (today I had 5 egg whites, black beans and salsa and a big bell pepper)
Mid Afternoon Snack: almonds and an orange
Dinner: carb/veggie/protein (chicken with steamed broccoli, brown rice and a salad)
Snack: fruit, 1/2 protein or veggie

So see, it's not too bad!  The biggest obstacle I'm finding is honestly not having dressing or condiments on anything, and actually finding the time to prepare and plan all the meals/snacks at the right times.  It's a lot to prepare for!  But not impossible and I think I will get used to it the longer I do it. 

The best news is this...so I ended up weighing in yesterday at 212.8 which I kind of expected because I splurged and ate some pizza and crap late the night before (hey, I'm not going to eat ANYTHING like that for a long time!  Cut me a break! :) so I knew it wouldn't be pretty.  Well...today, the scale shocked me...it said 209.6.  Crazy!  I know it's a ton of water weight but I'll take it!