on a break

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. ~ Anais Nin

Coming out of the dark

Things have been a little better the past few days. I can't really put my finger on it, can't explain exactly what has changed but I feel like things are looking up. Or at least my outlook is. I have been praying a lot and I have a lot of amazing fantastic friends that are praying for me and thinking about me and it's really making a difference. I still am fighting those feelings but I just keep rebuking it all and telling myself I will get through this and that it is going to be ok. And deep down, even on tough days, I know it will.

It really is true that ultimately my weight weighs heaviest (haha didn't even mean to be funny) on my heart. It effects all aspects of my life and others lives around me as well (mainly Ian and Jeff). Every action I take in my life I am reminded of how out of control I have become, how I have slipped into laziness and gluttony (there's really no denying that that's what it is). I pick up Ian, I am out of breath. I bend over to pick things up and it's hard to breath...hell, today I dropped my sunglasses in my bosses office as I was saying goodbye for the day and humiliated myself just scooping them up off the ground. Jeff and I go on a walk and I get winded one time around the block and my back aches. The list could do on and on. I've made a list of 100 reasons I want/need to lose weight. There are a million more but yet here I am. Please don't take this as whining, I'm simply writing, simply expressing my thoughts and feelings. Why is it that when (most) people become this way they stay this way? A huge percentage of the world is obese or morbidly so (don't know the numbers, don't really care). Do we like being like this? Do we enjoy feeling totally uncomfortable in every situation and do we love feeling like a huge spotlight is on us wherever we go? Of course not. And yet we remain this way. I've already written about the addiction aspects of it all. Is that the root of it? Or is there a underlying fundamental weakness in us all that keeps us from succeeding? There are overweight CEOs, missionaries, millionaires, charity organizers, wonderful parents, teachers, nurses, etc. etc.. Obviously these people aren't lazy. They aren't slobs who have no willpower or desire to commit to anything, which is exactly the stigma that overweight people have. So what is it? I mean, the reasons I listed above are bad enough, but we all know what risks there are for being overweight when it comes to cancers, heart disease, etc. and yet even THAT isn't motivating enough. I have a son who depends on me for EVERYTHING and who I love more than I can even put into words...and yet I am failing at this. So it's perplexing. I'm not making excuses for myself or releasing myself from responsibility of becoming and staying this way, I am just wondering, what is my problem??? What is it going to take?

A New Day

So I'm feeling a bit better today. The last day or so have been nice, I've gotten to spend some time with Ian, time with my mom, and some with Jeff too. I've gotten a chance to talk with a couple good friends (I am so thankful for my awesome friends) and I've spent a lot of time thinking and praying. I read a friend's blog that really spoke to me (check out http://stepintofold.blogspot.com - so awesome). I also was able to sit down with Jeff and we had a little heart to heart...I shared a lot of the things that I've been feeling lately and I feel really positive about all of this.

I was telling a friend today that I would like to be able to write "there's no where to go from here but up!". But then I think, yes there is. You can wallow around at the bottom for a long time before you figure out where to go or what to do. I think someone can hit rock bottom and just be stagnant...just lie there and wonder what the hell happened and how they got there. The question for myself is how long am I going to lie here? How long am I going to hate myself and pity my life and what I've made (or haven't made) of it? It's MY choice to either rise up and climb out or to remain in this place. This dark, accusatory, shitty place, this place that is sucking the life out of me. And today I feel like I might be moving towards taking the first step up.

Landslide

There is so much I need to share/confess/vent/ brainstorm/lament/process that this entire post is really just going to be a ridiculously LONG page of word vomit. I'm just warning you now, so proceed at your own risk.

The past few weeks I feel like I have hit rock bottom in my life. I have had some pretty low moments through the years (who hasn't) but looking back nothing really can compare to how I have felt in the past couple of weeks. I usually have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to blog about before I sit down at the computer, but tonight I've been sitting here for a half hour and still don't know where to begin. All I know is that I need to write. I need to release it, let it all out.

I have been feeling pretty much worthless. I have been fighting these thoughts in my mind about how awful a person I've become, what an awful wife, mother, what an awful WOMAN I have become. Fighting thoughts about how fat I am, how unloving, how hot-tempered and judgemental I am. How I never pay enough attention to Ian or to Jeff, how I have completely let myself go and have turned into the ugliest person I could ever imagine...how I have let my marriage slid down the tubes, how I blow up at every little thing that happens in my life. I've had these awful thoughts about how I had planned to be this wonderful mother and I feel like I am nothing like what I wanted to be like-that I am failing miserably- that my son would be better off with anyone but me as his mom - at least he'd have someone that was happy to love him. And as much as my marriage has been struggling and as frustrated as I am with Jeff for certain things, I also have been fighting thoughts that HE deserves a much better wife, one that isn't fat and ugly...he deserves the woman he married and I am not her. I haven't been able to stand my reflection in the mirror, haven't been able to stand mySELF...I've tried to be cheery and loving around Ian and give him all the love and hugs and attention like I always have but I am terrified he can feel my unease, my sadness inside, my almost hatred for myself. And even more terrifying, the thought that my quick temper to yell or give the silent treatment to Jeff when I'm upset (lately it seems he could sigh too loudly and anger me beyond belief) will plant that seed of nervousness in my son, make him think his parents don't love each other, make him have THAT feeling...which I have always SWORE I will NEVER do.

This has been a constant feeling for me the last few weeks. I've cried a lot, I've had days better than others, but every day I've thought, man, what a piece of work you've become. And I can't really explain where this comes from. There wasn't some big event that spurred this, no apocalyptic epiphany that threw me into this downward spiral, nothing like that. I think it was just a compilation of things...I got off track with my eating which caused me to gain back the weight I lost before. I am still struggling with being a new mom...it is NOT easy being a parent...it is challenging every single day and totally exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally (yet I would never ever change it- my son is God's greatest gift to me, my true joy). My marriage is strained; Jeff is working so hard to finally be done with residency and I am so grateful and so proud of him; but it's hard for both of us with his schedule and a new baby...I can't do everything that needs to be done for Ian along with keeping the house and we battle on responsibilities. Those three things...my marriage, my motherhood, and my health - they weigh heavy on your heart and mind when they aren't as they should be. So I've struggled the past few months, trying to lose the weight, trying to figure out how to be the perfect mother, trying to be a good wife...and I haven't been really great (or great at ALL in some cases) at any of them. I slip a little here, a little more there, until I'm on a landslide and I've hit the bottom.

So where to go from here? Just typing it all helps...getting it down, this confession, this release, it helps and feels good. I finally shared this struggle with my church group the other night and it was something I should have done a long time ago. My faith is strong...I love God with all my heart and I know I am His child...I was made in His image and He loves me and doesn't see all these awful things I see in myself. I have allowed myself to fall into this pit by not rebuking this attack. And yet while I feel so pitiful and so worthless, it does comfort me to know I am in His lap, and that God is sad too when I am struggling so. My problem with all this, all that is happening in my life right now, is that I feel like I don't know where to begin to pray for help...it's so big, such a huge obstacle that I don't know where I am supposed to start to make it better. So I just pray that God would show me where to begin to fix my life. I pray for God to help me see myself the way that He sees me. I've struggled and cried and been so frustrated the past few weeks because I just don't see a way out, a fix to all this. But truly, this is the only out...I cannot live hating myself. I may be stuck in this terrible body for now, I may take awhile to 'get' the parenting thing, and I may struggle with being a perfect (ok, even a good) wife, but deep down I know, and I just have to keep reminding myself of this and praying for this, I know that I CAN shed this shell of myself and be healthy again, be the person I am supposed to be. I love my son in a way words can't give justice too and I know that THAT will make me a good mother in the end. And I know that Jeff and I have been together for almost 13 years now and we ARE infinitely devoted to each other, that in the end no struggle can overcome us. These things I know are true. Someday I will look back at this period of my life and be so proud that I made it through the way that I did. It's just so hard right now because unfortunately someday isn't today, and tomorrow won't be either. All I can do is pray that maybe it will be a start.