Happy 6 Month Birthday Ian!

Yesterday my baby turned 6 months old. I can't even believe it. I feel like I was just in the hospital yesterday...and here it is a whole half-year later. He's gone from this...

to this.....

in what seems like the blink of an eye. I am so excited for all the new things he does and discovers each day, but part of me is just sad. He had his 6 mo. check up and the doctor said he's doing great and gave me instructions on how to start baby food (I've exclusively BF so far so I have no clue!) and even suggested I get a sippy cup for him to try. A sippy cup!! Oh my gosh, the tears welled with that...he's not supposed to have a sippy cup yet! He's still my baby...an infant...and there is no way he's ready for all this! Of course I know he is, but if I could I would freeze time for a bit...it's just going too fast. I can't soak all the joy in each day...I feel like I'm missing some of it because it's flying by too quickly. And as if I needed another sign that day that he is growing up, he sat up all by himself for his pictures. All alone! No wall or couch behind him, no support from mom. Such a big little boy, and he just smiled at me from ear to ear like "hey mom, look what I can do now!". Oh boy, I'm not ready for this!

The trip to Detroit was fantastic. The ride up was great, Ian slept almost the entire way and when he did wake up he was happy and babbling to himself so it was a really pleasant ride. The way back he slept a bit but when he woke he was pretty fussy, especially after the semi next to us had a tire blow RIGHT next to our car. The rubber even flew up and hit our windshield...if you've never had this happen I can tell you the sound is like a gun being shot from INSIDE your car. It was such a fright I nearly drove off the road. After that Ian was not a happy guy. But overall the car time was bearable.

Mostly Karen (and Ian) and I just spent our time hanging out and relaxing. We went shopping (I did get a couple new shirts- yay me!) and Ian got his picture with the Easter Bunny (yes I am one of THOSE moms). We went to the park to feed the ducks (I will have to post a pic of this soon...there were SO MANY- it was hysterical! Too bad Ian was asleep the entire time or he would have gotten a kick out of it!). We watched a couple of movies...which BTW, Fargo- totally overrated. And we went out to eat a couple of times, including to this awesome restaurant called "Mind, Body and Spirits". It is SO awesome...they have tons of vegan and vegetarian food, and the place is almost entirely green. They recycle everything they use (including the napkins, food waste, etc. that all goes into this big machine that creates fertilizer for their plants...in the greenhouse they have where they grow all their own herbs, etc.! Kind of like a compost heap but you can put more stuff in it then just food). They save the rainwater and snow melt to water their greenhouse plants, and nearly all their building materials are green. They use special light bulbs, their floors are bamboo and recycled tires, etc.. It was so great and the food was amazing too! If anyone is ever in the Rochester Hills area, you MUST go here. It's too bad there aren't more places like it! (I may add that to my life list...start an animal shelter, a bakery (I decorate cakes), and a green vegetarian restaurant! :)

Ok, now for the weight info. Saturday morning I was at...........232! That's another 3.4 pounds down:) Woo hoo!!!! 11 whole pounds gone! So I hit Karen's goal for me but didn't quite make the 13 I wanted, but that is ok. I am proud of myself and how hard I've been working at this. I tried last night to create a chart to post here to show my progress but being the blog novice that I am I couldn't get it right. I'll keep trying and hopefully have a progress link soon. But so far so good!

The only negative is that I did not eat perfectly in Detroit...and unfortunately I have not yet been able to get back on track. I was actually not that upset with myself in Detroit; I was allowing myself to use my extra points (which until then I had never used ANY of) and really, compared to what I COULD have had, I didn't do too bad. I am more disappointed with myself and how I have eaten once I came home. I always have this problem...once I begin to see good results I give myself a tiny break and it cascades into a downward spiral. I guess that's my lesson, huh? No tiny breaks- at least ones where I don't journal my points:) Karen has a new challenge for me...to be down 5 more pounds by Easter. Don't know if I'll get there because I'm not sure where I'm at right now (I'm scared to look!) but I am going to try my hardest! Ian is sleeping so well now I plan to get up and get my butt on the treadmill in the mornings next week so that will help too. I just need to focus and get off this "all or nothing" mentality. This is a journey, not a race ;)

A Weekend Away

I am so excited to be headed out of town this weekend...it's been so long! Even though Ian is coming with me it's still going to be good to get a mini-vacation. Not that taking Ian is bad, but it just takes twice as long to get ready and get going with an infant. But when he's this cute, I can't be too upset;) (I know, I'm a dork, I just can't help it! I am a little bit in love with him:)

I love this boy so much! I'll tell you, I am only going for 2 days and my trunk looks like Babies R Us threw up in it. I never would have imagined that having a child would make it so treacherous to travel...have to get the stroller, the pack and play, the play mat, toys, clothes, diapers, etc. etc. and I am sure I am forgetting things too. Whew, I am exhausted and I haven't even gotten my own things together yet!!

So tomorrow is weigh-in day...I have to see if I met Karen's 10 pound challenge! I am so excited...I've been perfect with my eating; I am really trying to not only follow my points but also make my choices healthy ones. I've really been eating a lot of fruits and veggies and more whole grains, less (white) carbs and processed foods. More water. So far I'm feeling pretty good. I'm going on 3 weeks now and I am so proud! I've struggled for a long time to even stick with something for even a day or two, so this is a big accomplishment for me. And I am going to keep at it! My goal for this weekend is to not go crazy:) I plan to loosen up for just the two days I'm there but still overall to try and make healthy choices and normal portions. Luckily it's Karen that I am staying with so I know I'll have her to help. I'm actually excited to see the scale in the morning! It's been really challenging but when it gets rough I just take time and think about my son, and what I want for him...how I want so badly for him to be healthy and for ME to be healthy for him AND for myself. I am going to succeed...even if it takes me a couple years...I am going to do this.

Hope everyone has a great weekend:)

Maternity Pants and Potato Soup

Ahhh two of my favorite things. And two things that are no more for me! So my little boy will be six months old next week and I still have been wearing a pair of my maternity pants. Not that my normal pants won't fit, but more that my preggo pants are just so damn comfortable! So I'm sitting on the couch this evening, relaxing, hanging out with my awesome friend Manda when to my horror I discover a hole! One of THOSE holes...where your pants rub together and the fabric gets all thin and eventually wears through. The kind of hole that skinny people don't know about! And this in my favorite, most comfortable pair of khakis...the only pants I have right now that don't feel like they are about to slice me right in half. So that's a bummer. Guess I just have more motivation now to get into all the others (i.e. dozens?) of pairs of pants I have hanging in the closet waiting for me! All things happen for a reason:) (but what will I wear in the meantime? haha)

Went to Bob Evans for lunch today and can I just say that I think their potato soup may be God's gift to me personally? It is my favorite....but I looked up the points today and I think it's time for me to cut it out of my life completely...it's just too tempting and I can't just have a cup!! No, only a bowl for me! So I must end this love affair and call it quits. Potato soup, I am breaking up with you! Rice Pilaf and applesauce, here I come! (ok, so I'm trying to think positive...)

Here's my 'epiphany' story of the day. Short and sweet tonight. There was a day a couple of years ago that I found out I weighed more than my mom, which really wasn't that big a deal; we have both been fighting our weight for years. But later that same day I also found out I weighed more than my overweight grandmother. The icing on the proverbial cake was learning later that same glorious day that I was also a good 20-30 pounds heavier than my loving 6'2 husband (again, I'm 5'2!). I don't really need to explain how all that made me feel...if you've been there, you KNOW. Good times.

That's all for tonight folks. Got LOST on DVR waiting for me. More soon, I promise!

P.S. Just wanted to say a thank you to all of my awesome supportive friends... you rock and I am so blessed and so thankful for you...you keep me going!!! I love you:)

I need therapy...

So today was weigh-in day. Showed a loss of 3.4 pounds, so we are at a total of -7.6 for two weeks. Yay. I am happy with that, I really am, but another part of me is ticked off and frustrated. I know I am NUTS but I can't help it. Ok folks, going to be totally honest with you all here...my starting weight was 243. First week loss took me down to 238.8 and today I am at 235.4. My highest weight ever was 247. So I am happy with the results because I am definitely going in the right direction...but I have been PERFECT! You'd think someone my size (oh, I'm 5'2 by the way) would see better results the first couple weeks with following points perfectly... I know, get over it. And Karen already gave me the "you're only supposed to lose about 2 pounds a week speech'... but I have goals people! My goal was to be at at least 233 by Saturday (that would be 10 pounds), if not 230 if possible (this is my 5%). So I've been kicking butt, resisting temptations left and right and drinking my water and all that fun. I guess what gets me is that I was 235.5 on Friday morning, and here I am at the same number three perfect days later. So that's why I was expecting a little more drop. What about those ladies at the WW meetings that come in and say "I lost 8 pounds my first week!"?? Guess that's just not meant to be me:) Or they don't eat ANYTHING all week, one of the two;)

Ok, I'm over it. Had to vent is all. Thanks for putting up with my insanity!

Total bummer for today...just realized my favorite WW meal has meat in it...I am so pissed! I swear I read the ingrediants when I first bought it and my friend at work thought she did too...but here I am two weeks later (and about 8 or 9 meals later) reading "chicken Broth, chicken fat, dried chicken meat". WTF!! I feel awful..I haven't had meat in nearly 6 years- I became vegetarian in 2003 and never looked back. Not to mention that's just one more meal off the list for me. I tell you, WW- you need to invest in some vegetarian options!! Geesh! If anyone has any suggestions for me out there for a quick frozen meal other than pizza that is veggie friendly I would be extremely grateful. You can only eat frozen cheese pizza and Four Cheese Ziti so many times before you want to punch something. It's looking like packing sandwiches and salad for lunch is in my very near future...

Alright, I'm on my lunch hour so better get going, but since I was full of whining today I thought I'd at least post something positive. Yesterday I wore my current 'skinny' jeans (skinny for me...probably a tent for most;) for the first time in forever! They were still a bit tight but they fit without having to totally pour myself into them so it's a start! I may see if I can talk Karen into doing some shopping up in D-town this weekend to get a few shirts or something. But only if I hit my 10 by then!

Birthday cake is from the devil...

So I really could have screwed up this week but I managed to keep it together. And there were some major obstacles that really made it challenging! Tuesday was a little get-together with some friends at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, Wednesday was my mom's birthday and Thursday was another birthday celebration. Then this morning Jeff (my husband) took off for Washington DC for a month so we went out to dinner yesterday to spend some time together before he left. BUT....drum roll.....I managed to still stay under my points for the week! And man, I could have thrown it away. Don't get me wrong, I didn't make the healthiest of choices, but at least calorie/point wise I did fine. Tomorrow is scale day so we'll see how it goes. I'm headed to Detroit next weekend and Karen (my HUGE support in all of this) has challenged me to have lost 10 pounds by the time I visit. So hopefully I'll see some major results tomorrow!

I'm trying to look at this whole experience like rehab. I watch reality shows like it's my job (I can't help it, I am totally addicted...I know, it's sad) and when I watch the ones like Celebrity Rehab or Intervention or anything along those lines, I connect in a way to those addictions. Food is 100% my addiction. The only difference between me and the people that are on heroin, alcohol, etc. is that I HAVE to have food to live. And that is the shitty part...if I could just cut out food all the way, I think it would be easier. I actually did Optifast (it's a liquid only diet) for a few months and lost a lot of weight and it wasn't that bad...UNTIL I tasted food again and then it was all over. So I'm trying to think of this all like rehab. I HAVE to have control and I CAN'T let myself gorge on crap like I used to, it's just not a question. And it has to be on the forefront of my mind at all times. As much as that sucks that's how it has to be. You don't make a 180 in your life and not focus on it at all times if you want it to be successful.

Ok..as promised, my 'epiphany' story of the day. I was a waitress for about 7 years at Bob Evans. I loved it and had a lot of awesome regular customers, and some not so awesome. One particular older lady would come in every Saturday and sit at the counter where a friend of mine would wait on her. This woman was alright I suppose, not overly friendly, but ok. One morning she came in and I was typing an order in on the nearby computer when I heard her mention my name to her server...I couldn't exactly understand what she asked so when my friend came over I asked her what the woman had said. She looked a bit embarrassed and then told me that she wanted to know if I was pregnant. I knew I had gained some weight, but I certainly didn't realize I looked pregnant! If that wasn't bad enough, a few weeks later I went to the fair and ran into an old line cook that I had worked with at the restaurant. HE asked me if I was pregnant!! WTF?? I said, "Nope, just fat!!" I swear, someone could look like they have a freakin basketball shoved up their shirt and I will NOT ask if they are pregnant...it is the WORST feeling! UGH!

Week One Success

Well, the scales showed a 4.2 pound improvement this morning. Woo Hoo! Only a billion more to go, but hey, you have to start somewhere! It's so funny the mindset you get in when you're trying to get in shape...4.2 is so awesome and yet I think, man, why couldn't it have been 5? Seriously? I need help:)

So the week was a good one...was slightly under points everyday and did really good with drinking water, which I hate so I'm proud of that (I am a diet coke LUNATIC - yea, I'm the one with the fries and dessert and a DIET coke, haha). This week's goal is more exercise. It's really hard finding the time but I'm working on it. Having a baby really tests your time management but I have to learn sometime-he's not going anywhere!

A lot of people that decide to get back in shape, lose weight, get fit, etc. come to that decision through an epiphany, a big event that smacks them across the face and wakes them up, whether it's a comment someone made, a picture or not fitting into a favorite pair of jeans. I've had a few of those....for me I don't think it was one thing that has led to this but rather a compilation of many. I thought I would end this and the next few posts with a few of those just to help keep me focused on this project of reinvention.

So a few years ago my husband sponsored a boy (I'll call him Justin) through Big Brothers Big Sisters. We took him to a Crew game here in Columbus. We were having a blast! We had great seats pretty much to ourselves, the weather was great, it was a good day. All of a sudden I looked up at the big screen and there was Justin! I nudged him and pointed, telling him "Look! It's you!" and then I found myself thinking 'But who is that next to you??...' and it took about 3 seconds for me to realize that the blob sitting next to him was yours truly. I seriously did not even recognize myself...I even glanced to Justin's opposite side to see if someone I didn't know had sat down next to him. What a shock that was. I will never forget how I felt that day!!

I am so glad to be taking this step..I never want to feel that way again. This is just the beginning for me. Just you wait:)

5 Days Down...

and going strong. I have to say here I owe major KUDOS to my long-time friend Karen for kicking my ass and getting me pumped and motivated. Considering it's been, umm, yea I don't even remember how long since I stuck with something for more than a day, 5 days is an acomplishment. Perfect on my points, or even under by a few, lots of water, and lots of veggies and fruit. I'm started to overcome the late night snacking (and morning snacking, and mid-afternoon/pre-dinner snacking) and my stomach is even starting to adapt to not having it crammed full of crap every second of the day. So yay me! Plus, hubby is gone this week so it's been a little more stressful with a 5 month old by myself then it normally is (props to single mothers out there...you ROCK). On top of that some stressful events this week came up unexpectedly that normally would have sent me running for something awful but I had restraint. So I am pretty proud of myself (ok, I know it's only 5 days, but if anyone reading this has had weight issues like I have you understand. And if not don't judge).

Lots more to talk about but it's time for Ian to hit the sack so more soon. How can I resist this cute little guy? :)

And so it begins...

My first blog post! Woo hoo. It's so strange to be doing this...not sure what to say or where to start. My goal with this site is just to be open and honest and to just let it all out. So thanks to whoever may read this and here goes...

Just signed up for WW online about ten minutes ago. Been there and done that but this time is different. I know, the fat girl who's been on a million diets says "this time is different'. Haha right? Well, we'll see who has the last laugh I guess. I've done it all...WW, low cal, Atkins, starving myself, Optifast, etc. etc. and here I am at 240 some odd pounds. Yo-yo dieting at it's best folks. But life has changed for me. I now have a son. And therein lies the difference.

WW is truly a plan I believe in and one that is very successful for me. This is the beginning of the rediscovery, the new me, the search for who I am MEANT to be. This person I have become is NOT what I am supposed to be...I was not meant to be this huge person, this unhealthy, lazy, unmotivated slob (which unfortunately what I have grown to see myself as...which again is NOT how I was ever meant to think of myself!). I have lost all feeling of worth for myself...when I look in the mirror I don't see a smart, sincere, compassionate, pretty girl, I see someone that is just a shadow of who she once was. I think back 8 to 10 years ago when I was in college and I remember feeling like I was going to BE someone...I was going to do something important and make a mark in this world. Instead I have gone down a road I never expected, I have lost myself, my dreams and my love for life right along with it. And for several years now I have wallowed in pity for that...for that lost love, for that missing sense of self worth and pride. But enough. I am stopping the walk down this dark road and turning around. I am going back the other way.

My son's name is Ian and to be cliche' as hell, he is my pride and joy. And he has caused this. He has started this new journey for me...this path to rediscovery. He is my son and I owe him a mother that is healthy and happy, with herself and her life. I owe him a healthy future and a life with a mother that has joy and energy and endurance and who sets good examples and who truly loves not only him with all her heart, but herself as well. So it's time. Here I go.