Dear Blog

Dear blog, it's been almost a year since my last post. :) And what a year it's been! To recap everything would take pages and pages so I'll just mention the important stuff. My sweet wonderful boy is now almost 3 years old...I'll write a post just about him soon, but for now I'll just say this: I think I am finally 'getting' this motherhood thing. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the entire world, and I feel like I struggled (and still do quite often) so much with patience, understanding, empathy, and just HOW to be a good mom. But I think I am finally catching on. And I'm actually kinda loving it:) Here's a pic of my sweet little man for your viewing pleasure! Did I mention he LOVES stickers?




So my life looks a lot different than it did a year ago. In January something came over me and I decided that if I was ever going to get healthy again I needed to really commit to a better lifestyle. So I sent an email to Lifetime (my gym) and asked to be set up with a personal trainer. This is how I met Mandy. I was SO scared to walk into that gym and meet her (think near panic attack). Our first session was insane for me. On top of being just outright embarrassed for the way I looked in my workout clothes, all hot and sweaty, I actually literally fell over trying to do lunges. We could only get through half of the workout she had planned, and for the next couple of days I thought I would die from soreness. But I showed up to meet her again. And again. And since January 9th, I have met with her 3x a week nearly every week. I've also recently joined her 6AM TEAM WeightLoss cardio/strength training class. So we see each other 6 times a week. She is the most positive, encouraging, understanding, motivating and kind trainer and I am SOOOO thankful that I was matched with her. Working out has become fun and something I am actually starting to crave when I miss it. Food is becoming less important to me and I'm finding myself thinking about it less and less. I am starting to like myself again. I still have my bad days but I am starting to be able to look at the good and what I have acomplished instead of what I haven't, and what I have yet to do. In the past almost 6 months I:

- have been to the gym almost every single day except Sundays
- have learned how to stop eating when I start feeling full
- have realized that no food is ever off limits and I don't have to deprive myself
- have way more energy than I have had in years
- don't get out of breath nearly as easily as I did before
- don't have any chest pains:)
- play with Ian so much more, carry him around so much more, pick him up more, on and on:)
- recognize/say hi to the trainers/gym peeps and they recognize/say hi to me and ask how I'm doing
- have joined a TEAM class....I have NEVER participated in a workout class in my life!
- have learned to listen to my body more
- have noticed muscle definition in my arms and legs
- am so much stronger!
- have learned and regularly do lunges, reverse lunges, lateral lunges, lunges on the BOSU ball......(I FELL 6 months ago people!!;)
- am wearing clothes I haven't worn in a long time
- have entered another 90 day challenge and am currently at 4th place with 4 weeks left (I dropped out of the last one!)
- don't hate the way I look anymore!
- have dropped a pant size and 2 shirt sizes
- have lost almost 30 pounds
- am almost (2 more pounds!!!) back to the weight I was when I got pregnant with Ian
- am not fearful of the gym anymore
- eat like a normal person!!
- am doing exercises that I never thought I would be able to do
- do 35 lb barbell rows and deadlifts (may not seem like a lot, but compared to where I started!)
- have learned never to judge a certain exercise I see as too hard or too easy before I try it myself
- have realized that this is a lifestyle, not a temporary thing, not a chore, not a passing challenge. It's for life.
- The most important thing Mandy has taught me: It doesn't matter what I USED to be. It matters what I am now and where I am going.

I have a really long way to go but I feel so much better about myself, about life, and my future than I have in years. I weighed 234 on the scale this morning and I am so proud to say that. I started in January at 261 and I will never see that number again. The support from my family and friends and my relationship with Mandy has changed my outlook and attitude in a way that has saved my life.

Motivation

**Note to self** Change can be soooooo hard sometimes.. Forsaking all that you've known can be scary.. However, each step towards an honest life is a step in the RIGHT direction.. Live your life, stay true to yourself, and know that your END will be GREATER than your PAST.. - M.G.

Life really is SIMPLE.. Step back.. Write down your dreams.. Relax.. Listen to your heart for direction.. Things can be EXACTLY the way you want them to be.. :) - M.G.

Greatness is in you. - E.G.

Every day you sit back and wait for something to happen is another day lost. -Jennifer Flavin

Hang in there. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. - Thomas Edison

Instead of "we almost," let the world say about us, "we did." - Don Ward

Those who aren't making mistakes probably aren't making anything. - Samuel Smiles

Persistence, not perfection, is what's important.

It's never too late to be what you might have been. - George Eliot

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Buddha

Greatness is not measured by what a man or woman accomplishes, but by the opposition he or she has overcome to reach his goals. -Dorothy Height

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

No matter how difficult the challenge, when we spread our wings of faith and allow the winds of God’s spirit to lift us, no obstacle is too great to overcome. - Roy Lessin

Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict. - William E. Channing

Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them… they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight. - Orison Swett Marden

Whatever..

-1.8 for the week: I am now at 244.4 pounds.

Personal Loss: -13.4 total, 5.2% gone
Challenge Loss: -8.4 total, 3.3% gone

Yes, this is awesome.
Yes, I am getting healthier.
Yes, this is much better than if I had done nothing and still weighed 257.8 pounds.
Yes, I should be proud of myself.
Yes, I am making progress.

Facts:
I go to the gym almost every day, where I work out almost 2 hours, mostly of high impact cardio work.
I lift weights at home numerous times a week.
I take Ian for walks as much as possible.
I have a abs/butt/thigh video I do at home.
I haven't had any 'trigger' foods in three weeks.
I have dropped carbs dramatically out of my diet.
I have added more protein into my diet then I have eaten in years.
I drink tons of water and take a women's metabolism vitamin.

My feelings right now:
It's not fair.
I weighed over 250 pounds when I started this, it should be easier to lose weight.
I'm not asking for 4 pounds a week, but could I at least just hit 2? 2?!?!?
Normal size people could lose 1.8 pounds a week if they wanted, just by eating healthy and exercising occasionally..I am busting my ass for that and I hate it.
I hate myself for letting me get to this point.
I can't keep up this effort for the next year of my life...I spend my entire day focused on how much exercise I can do and how healthy I can eat. It is exhausting and today I don't think it's worth not even 2 pounds.
I hate even venting to people because I know I should be happy that I am losing but I can't help the disappointment.
I am not going to win this challenge. I just need to accept that.

I am just having a bad day. I will get over it.

Today, I just hate everything.

Take Your Pick...

Things are going pretty well. I'm trucking along, still eating well, avoiding carbs as much as possible, trying to get a lot of protein, working out, etc. etc.. I feel pretty good, I wish I could fast forward to November 4th and see my final results ;) Although these days I try not to wish any time away, time goes fast enough as it is. I hate waiting for weigh-in day each week, it's so exciting (well, at least if I've made good progress;) and the week seems to take forever sometimes. I've been better the last few days about weighing myself. In some ways it helps because I'm not making myself so crazy, but in other ways, seeing the number each day helps motivate me. If it's down, it keeps me pushing, and if it's up, while it frustrates me it kicks my butt into gear. But I know that it's probably not worth me driving myself nuts so I'm trying to make it to Wednesday. We'll see how it goes!

The hardest part about all of this is knowing (or not knowing) exactly what the most successful means are to get healthy. I have been 'dieting' for as long as I can possibly remember and I know pretty much all there is to know about any diet you could mention. I am no longer dieting. This is a change in my life. This is not temporary. But even then there are so many different beliefs, different 'rules' that I don't always know for sure what I should be doing.

- Eat six small meals a day
- Eat normal meals and don't snack
- Drink lots of water and avoid caffeine
- Caffeine helps your metabolism and helps you lose weight
- You need strength training to maximize weight loss
- Cardio is most important in weight loss
- Carbs are bad
- Carbs are fine in moderation

I could go on and on. It's so hard when you have so many people telling you so many different things. I have trainers' voices going through my head, info from books I've read, shows I've seen. Who knows which is best for me? Obviously I want to do the best I can, lose the most weight possible and become as healthy as possible but it's so confusing! All I can do is take my pick with what I think seems to work best for me and go from there. So far I think I'm doing alright;)

I Hate my Scale

So my weight loss for the week was 1 pound. Which I am actually pretty happy with considering the craziness and frustration this week with my numbers. So I am sitting this morning at a weight of 246.2, and tonight I can't help but just laugh to myself. Yesterday was 248.6, this morning was 246.2 and then tonight after dinner (basil spaghetti leftovers with a small slice of bread and a diet coke) I was 245.5!!! I did work out today (last day of week 1 of C25K, some treadmill and weight machines) but come on! It just cracks me up. Big lesson with all of this...

STOP WEIGHING MYSELF!!!!

Oh my gosh, my addiction to the scale is seriously sick! I gotta stop it before I drive myself more crazy then I already am:) I really need to work on that.

SO in short, so far my results are:

Personal Loss: -11.6 total, 4.5% gone
Challenge Loss: -6.6 total, 2.6% gone

I'm 11 days into the challenge and only down 2.6%. That's a little concerning to me, but I'm just going to use that as motivation and not let it get me down. Now that I figured out the weight machines I'm a little excited to really focus on my strength training as hard as I have been on cardio and nutrition. I'm even considering some 2-a-days at the gym;) It feels really good to be pouring all my energy into getting healthy instead of wasting my emotions wallowing in self pity on how I let myself get this way. I've spent too long doing that. I really feel that this is my time. And in a few months everyone will be able to see it:)

Just Kidding about the Roses Thing...

So I totally jinxed myself with my last post. This whole week has been one big frustrating day after another. My biggest 'diet' no-no that I commit is weighing myself on a daily basis. Last week that was really motivating for me because everyday it seemed like I was down a pound or two. But this week the scale hasn't budged except to go UP! And I haven't changed a thing...I've still been working out in the gym about 2 hours a day and eating wonderfully. Drinking my water, etc. etc.. And yet the number seems to be fluctuating between 247 and 249 all week. What the heck?!?! Needless to say I've been pretty down in the dumps about it. However I haven't let it stop me, I've still been to the gym, still been eating right. Tomorrow is my weigh in day so I'm just praying for some miracle that it's all been a fluke and the number will actually be down. If it's not, I really may cry. It's just really hard to have the motivation to work so hard exercising and being hungry all the time and avoiding all my favorite things to see no results. A lot of my friends all keep reminding me that if I just stick with it it will happen, it just takes perseverence and time. That I am probably building muscle and my body will catch up. That obviously I'm doing more sticking to it then I would be just giving up and doing nothing. I just keep telling myself that. Honestly I need to just let go of my scale addiction. I would love to be able to weigh myself tomorrow and then not do it again until next Wednesday. We'll see how that goes! I doubt I'll last a day but who knows;)

Everything's Coming up Roses...

At least at the moment! I've been having a good week and I'm feeling pretty awesome. Yesterday was my weigh in day and I was pretty excited to see the number because I have been working my butt off! I've been doing about 1 1/2 hours cardio about 4 times a week at the gym(1 hr of that hardcore on the elliptical), lifting weights at home, doing stomach crunches etc. and any other kind of exercise I can fit in, whether it be walking with Ian or workout videos. I've limited my caffeine to 1 drink a day and have been drinking tons of water. Food-wise I have been really strict. For breakfast most days I have a Fast-Fuel Complete shake w/ skim milk and ice; it's a really awesome protein meal replacement shake that is low cal and low fat, has a ton of protein in it and a full serving fruit & veggies. And it tastes awesome! I love it...and it's perfect because I can drink it right before hitting the gym in the mornings. For lunch I have something small and typically high in veggies and/or protein. Tomato soup w/ black beans, salad, something like that. For dinner I have a smaller portion dinner with some carbs and as much protein as possible, like rice and beans, a big salad w/ cheese and egg and a small cup of pasta or something like that. And then for a snack/treat at night I have a frozen fruit bar. So that's what my days have looked like the past week or so. And it has paid off!!! At my weigh in yesterday I weighed in at.......

247.2!!!!!! That's 7.6 pounds this week!!! WOOO HOOOO!!! I was so excited! I have been working really hard so it was really nice to see it paying off. And good motivation for me to keep it up!! So at this point, my total personal weight loss is 10.6 pounds. My 90 day challenge loss so far is 5.6 pounds. I am completely aware that this is not typical and won't happen every week but with such hard work and drastic changes I knew I would see big numbers the first week. I just need to keep working as hard as I can. I'm so excited about this!

One last thing...to top off the good news, 3 people today asked me if I was losing weight. I was sure noone would be able to tell yet but I guess I was wrong! My jeans zipped a little easier today too;) What a great feeling!!!

2 Down, 88 More to Go...

So it's Sunday evening right now and I'm so tired all I really want to do is get to bed, but I HAD to write to catch you up (all three people that read this haha;) on the weekend.

Saturday morning I woke up really nervous about going to Lifetime to get registered. Even worse, Jeff had just gotten home from work that morning and was too tired to go with me, which is what I was hoping for (moral support and all that). So I got Ian packed up, bucked up and headed over. I was pretty sure that I would be the biggest person there...Lifetime is full of really fit people and I don't see a lot of people my size when I'm there working out. After dropping Ian off at the child care I headed over to the registration desk. I was pretty early, and as I waited more and more people showed up. To my surprise there were TONS of people, and not all were in as great shape as I had expected. I will admit I am probably one of the heaviest women in the competition, but at least I didn't feel as intimated as I thought I would. The only thing that had me worried was that there were so MANY people! I heard one of the trainers say something about the number of entries being around 200! So, I don't know how good my odds are of winning, but I'm going to try!! We'll see how it goes...me losing weight is ultimately the goal, winning would just be a nice bonus.

So I weighed myself the first day of staying home with Ian and I was at an all-time high. Brace yourself people....June 16th I was at 257.8. Last Wednesday, August 4th I was at 254.6. I weighed in Saturday at the gym at 255 (that's including my clothes, shoes, etc.- at home that weight was 252.8). So going on I will have 2 loss totals; total personal weight loss and challenge weight loss. I am so excited to see what I can do with this. I have been in such a great mindset lately, I really feel ready to kick some butt. I've been eating extremely healthy, limiting carbs, eating lots of protein and fruits and veggies. I've been drinking tons of water and I've been exercising in some manner everyday, especially weekdays. Yesterday I worked on stomach work and lifted weights and today I took Ian on a long walk. These were relatively low impact, I'm planning on stepping it up through the week like I did at the gym last week. I know in these next 90 days I can make a huge impact for myself. That's almost part of the excitement for me...to see exactly how MUCH I can accomplish! Could I lose 5%...10% maybe even 12%?? Time will tell!! It's all up to me!