I Hate my Scale

So my weight loss for the week was 1 pound. Which I am actually pretty happy with considering the craziness and frustration this week with my numbers. So I am sitting this morning at a weight of 246.2, and tonight I can't help but just laugh to myself. Yesterday was 248.6, this morning was 246.2 and then tonight after dinner (basil spaghetti leftovers with a small slice of bread and a diet coke) I was 245.5!!! I did work out today (last day of week 1 of C25K, some treadmill and weight machines) but come on! It just cracks me up. Big lesson with all of this...

STOP WEIGHING MYSELF!!!!

Oh my gosh, my addiction to the scale is seriously sick! I gotta stop it before I drive myself more crazy then I already am:) I really need to work on that.

SO in short, so far my results are:

Personal Loss: -11.6 total, 4.5% gone
Challenge Loss: -6.6 total, 2.6% gone

I'm 11 days into the challenge and only down 2.6%. That's a little concerning to me, but I'm just going to use that as motivation and not let it get me down. Now that I figured out the weight machines I'm a little excited to really focus on my strength training as hard as I have been on cardio and nutrition. I'm even considering some 2-a-days at the gym;) It feels really good to be pouring all my energy into getting healthy instead of wasting my emotions wallowing in self pity on how I let myself get this way. I've spent too long doing that. I really feel that this is my time. And in a few months everyone will be able to see it:)

Just Kidding about the Roses Thing...

So I totally jinxed myself with my last post. This whole week has been one big frustrating day after another. My biggest 'diet' no-no that I commit is weighing myself on a daily basis. Last week that was really motivating for me because everyday it seemed like I was down a pound or two. But this week the scale hasn't budged except to go UP! And I haven't changed a thing...I've still been working out in the gym about 2 hours a day and eating wonderfully. Drinking my water, etc. etc.. And yet the number seems to be fluctuating between 247 and 249 all week. What the heck?!?! Needless to say I've been pretty down in the dumps about it. However I haven't let it stop me, I've still been to the gym, still been eating right. Tomorrow is my weigh in day so I'm just praying for some miracle that it's all been a fluke and the number will actually be down. If it's not, I really may cry. It's just really hard to have the motivation to work so hard exercising and being hungry all the time and avoiding all my favorite things to see no results. A lot of my friends all keep reminding me that if I just stick with it it will happen, it just takes perseverence and time. That I am probably building muscle and my body will catch up. That obviously I'm doing more sticking to it then I would be just giving up and doing nothing. I just keep telling myself that. Honestly I need to just let go of my scale addiction. I would love to be able to weigh myself tomorrow and then not do it again until next Wednesday. We'll see how that goes! I doubt I'll last a day but who knows;)

Everything's Coming up Roses...

At least at the moment! I've been having a good week and I'm feeling pretty awesome. Yesterday was my weigh in day and I was pretty excited to see the number because I have been working my butt off! I've been doing about 1 1/2 hours cardio about 4 times a week at the gym(1 hr of that hardcore on the elliptical), lifting weights at home, doing stomach crunches etc. and any other kind of exercise I can fit in, whether it be walking with Ian or workout videos. I've limited my caffeine to 1 drink a day and have been drinking tons of water. Food-wise I have been really strict. For breakfast most days I have a Fast-Fuel Complete shake w/ skim milk and ice; it's a really awesome protein meal replacement shake that is low cal and low fat, has a ton of protein in it and a full serving fruit & veggies. And it tastes awesome! I love it...and it's perfect because I can drink it right before hitting the gym in the mornings. For lunch I have something small and typically high in veggies and/or protein. Tomato soup w/ black beans, salad, something like that. For dinner I have a smaller portion dinner with some carbs and as much protein as possible, like rice and beans, a big salad w/ cheese and egg and a small cup of pasta or something like that. And then for a snack/treat at night I have a frozen fruit bar. So that's what my days have looked like the past week or so. And it has paid off!!! At my weigh in yesterday I weighed in at.......

247.2!!!!!! That's 7.6 pounds this week!!! WOOO HOOOO!!! I was so excited! I have been working really hard so it was really nice to see it paying off. And good motivation for me to keep it up!! So at this point, my total personal weight loss is 10.6 pounds. My 90 day challenge loss so far is 5.6 pounds. I am completely aware that this is not typical and won't happen every week but with such hard work and drastic changes I knew I would see big numbers the first week. I just need to keep working as hard as I can. I'm so excited about this!

One last thing...to top off the good news, 3 people today asked me if I was losing weight. I was sure noone would be able to tell yet but I guess I was wrong! My jeans zipped a little easier today too;) What a great feeling!!!

2 Down, 88 More to Go...

So it's Sunday evening right now and I'm so tired all I really want to do is get to bed, but I HAD to write to catch you up (all three people that read this haha;) on the weekend.

Saturday morning I woke up really nervous about going to Lifetime to get registered. Even worse, Jeff had just gotten home from work that morning and was too tired to go with me, which is what I was hoping for (moral support and all that). So I got Ian packed up, bucked up and headed over. I was pretty sure that I would be the biggest person there...Lifetime is full of really fit people and I don't see a lot of people my size when I'm there working out. After dropping Ian off at the child care I headed over to the registration desk. I was pretty early, and as I waited more and more people showed up. To my surprise there were TONS of people, and not all were in as great shape as I had expected. I will admit I am probably one of the heaviest women in the competition, but at least I didn't feel as intimated as I thought I would. The only thing that had me worried was that there were so MANY people! I heard one of the trainers say something about the number of entries being around 200! So, I don't know how good my odds are of winning, but I'm going to try!! We'll see how it goes...me losing weight is ultimately the goal, winning would just be a nice bonus.

So I weighed myself the first day of staying home with Ian and I was at an all-time high. Brace yourself people....June 16th I was at 257.8. Last Wednesday, August 4th I was at 254.6. I weighed in Saturday at the gym at 255 (that's including my clothes, shoes, etc.- at home that weight was 252.8). So going on I will have 2 loss totals; total personal weight loss and challenge weight loss. I am so excited to see what I can do with this. I have been in such a great mindset lately, I really feel ready to kick some butt. I've been eating extremely healthy, limiting carbs, eating lots of protein and fruits and veggies. I've been drinking tons of water and I've been exercising in some manner everyday, especially weekdays. Yesterday I worked on stomach work and lifted weights and today I took Ian on a long walk. These were relatively low impact, I'm planning on stepping it up through the week like I did at the gym last week. I know in these next 90 days I can make a huge impact for myself. That's almost part of the excitement for me...to see exactly how MUCH I can accomplish! Could I lose 5%...10% maybe even 12%?? Time will tell!! It's all up to me!

90 Days

So I had planned to check in again before now but time flies. At least I'm here now, right?! I haven't written, but not because things have been bad...in fact they've been pretty good. June 15th was my last day as an Insurance Underwriter. I am SO blessed to be staying home with Ian from now on. It's something Jeff and I have planned for quite a while and it's finally come to fruition. I could not be happier! Of course, there are good days and bad days, but I really feel like a new person. To get up each day and be greeted by Ian's cute little face is the biggest blessing...never would I have imagined I would be so lucky.

While the best part about being home is the time with him, I also feel like this new chapter in my life is an opportunity for me to find myself. I have time to focus on things that I have ignored for too long. And I am so excited about it! I feel like I have a new lease on life, a new perspective on myself and it feels good. It's going to be a long long journey, but I feel like I'm finally coming into my own.

SOOOO 90 days. Tomorrow morning I will be driving to Lifetime, getting my photo taken, and getting on a scale to weigh in for a 90 day contest that will be my life for the next 3 months. I am SO nervous but really pumped. August 7th - November 4th Lifetime is having a contest for who can lose the biggest percentage of weight in 90 days. I have been going to the gym a bit more since I left work, and noticed the signs about the contest a few days ago. I've been contemplating signing up but finally just made up my mind last night. So tomorrow is the big day. I know I can do this. I am ready for it. I feel like this came up at this time for a reason...like God knew I'm home now, that I have the right mindset now, and I feel His strength guiding me to do this. So I am. I would love to win the contest, but moreover I just want to try. I feel like there are probably going to be hundreds of people signed up, and tomorrow is going to be SOO overwhelming and intimidating but I will make it through. Even when I feel like everyone there is laughing at me and wondering why the heck I'm there, I will remember that I can do it. I will prove that I can do it. On November 4th I will weigh less than I do at this moment. And I will be so proud.

Bye-bye old me;)

Today is the first day of the rest of your life....

Wow, it's been awhile. Been meaning to stop in and write for a couple of weeks now but am just now getting to it.

All I really want to say right now is that I'm good. I'm doing really good. I have started over with everything; myself, my life, my thought processes, everything. And life is good:)

More soon. I promise;)

P.S. And just because I can, and because he's so damn cute, here's a recent pic of my little guy. MAN I love this kid!!!

Groundhog Days

Another sun, from rise to fall
Another day, just like them all
Initial hope for expectations met,
Crash again with more regret.

A memory of what it once was like
to be content, to lay down at night,
And not to wonder what could have been,
Not to cry for what's lost within

Thoughts floating back to years ago
When life never felt so incredibly low
And wishing for a moment there was a way to go back
To reverse my direction and take a new track

But alas no way exists to rewind hands of time,
So the day shall be spent once again on the climb,
A journey to regain the strength that once lived,
Inside of the person who's lost who she is.

Lost and Found

So it's been over a month since I have written. I needed to take a break and do some introspection...it's been a good few weeks and I feel uplifted. There are a lot of things in my life that I am working on right now, my weight and health being only one of them. I have always struggled a great deal with anxiety and nervousness, and the past year or so it has really come to a head. The severity of the feelings I get isn't something that I can fully explain unless you've experienced it yourself, so I'll just leave it at that. But I've been really working on this and I'm feeling positive. Tonight I actually felt the urge to sit back down at my keyboard and write something. So here I am!

I've been back on board the health train for a few weeks now after having tumbled off in a fit of binges and lack of self-control. I'm down 10 pounds, currently at 234.2 (My new starting weight was 244.2 when I got back on track). I actually haven't really been following a plan, I've just been eating healthier and eating less, as well as exercising whenever I get the chance. The last week or two have actually been pretty difficult...Jeff and I went out for Fathers Day to a fancy dinner and I think that became a little bump in the road for me, and I haven't been AS steadfast since. But I'm still at it:)

Friday I went to pick up Ian from my parent's house and mom and I ended up taking a video on her camera of Ian laughing (it was pretty hysterical...he was cracking up!). I was holding him while mom filmed, and when I watched it back, I was mortified. I can't even believe I look the way that I do. Since I've lost 10 pounds, I've been feeling pretty good, I am even wearing a pair of capris I haven't worn since before I got pregnant. But then I see a video of myself like this and it blows me away. Sometimes I think that this challenge is just too big, that it's not possible for me to be thin again. Even NORMAL again. 10 pounds is great, but when you have 100 to lose, it's a drop in the bucket, and it's very easy to get overwhelmed.

My brother-in-law is the family genealogist and photo archiver. Today he sent me a ton of emails full of old pics of the family, including some of me during the first few years that Jeff and I were dating (we will have been together 13 years this December!). I love looking at old pics, it's one of my favorite things. But sometimes it's really hard. I see the person I used to be and it just kills me inside. Here's the one that really got to me today.....

Yea, it's a goofy shot, I'm a dork, I know. But I love this picture. I was a happy, fun and beautiful (it's my blog and I'll toot my horn if I want to;) girl. I long to be this person again... When I find pictures like this it makes me so sad...to think about what I have done to myself over the last ten years just rips me apart (yes, I am aware that I did this to myself, that it's no ones fault but my own, but that doesn't change how it makes me feel). I sometimes even fantasize about what drastic thing I would do or what I would sacrifice to look like that again. And often I cry. I just can't help it...to see that person, who I used to be, letting that person slip away is my biggest regret in life. Really, it's probably my only true regret.

But I am going to chose not to do those things this time. I am not going to daydream about the amount of money I would pay to look like that again, and I'm not going to imagine the bargain I could offer. I'm not going to dwell on how wonderful I felt back then, I'm not going to curse myself for losing control. And I'm not going to cry. Instead I am going to find her. She is here, somewhere. Sometimes we talk, sometimes after a long workout I feel her here again, telling me that I can do it, I can keep this up. Once and awhile after a few good days of eating really healthily, I hear her whispering little thoughts in my head, positive little ideas that tell me I can succeed at this. It's in moments like those that I know she's not lost forever. She is waiting for me, I just have to keep working at this, keep looking, and I'll find her.