Blog Therapy

I'm posting right now only as a means of therapy for myself today.  It has been a rainy week and today we are having some storms.  Our french drain backed up this afternoon for the first time since we fixed the patio and I had a little freak out moment.  I talked myself through it, prayed through it and reminded myself that we got a TON of rain in just a few minutes and it's normal for that to happen...it drained within a minute of the rain lightening up and I know everything is fine.

But here I am.  And how pathetic I feel that this is what is occupying my mind.  In fact, some of you reading this may be rolling your eyes or wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It is embarrassing even to admit but this is what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder does to someone. It is like a parasite that latches on to one little event, one tiny thought in your brain and it just starts to gnaw away until it grows bigger and bigger and your heart starts racing, you feel nervous flutters in your stomach, you start to sweat, and you can't do or think about anything else but that.

For some people with OCD it takes washing their hands 14 times to make the thought 'ok'.  Or maybe they have to walk in and out of the doorway 7 times and then everything is alright.  Mine (fortunately/unfortunately?) is primarily obsessions with no real compulsions.  So there isn't any definite action I can take to rid myself of my thoughts.  My only rescue is praying through it until I feel relief, 'asking' my way through it (asking other people to reassure me that it's nothing to worry about) or just talking myself out of it, which is always difficult.  Sometimes I do 'check' things...(the basement, the porch, the ceilings) but even checking doesn't usually relieve the thoughts.

Don't get me wrong, I am doing AWESOME.  God has blessed me and answered my prayers with so many gifts; coping mechanisms, successful medication and the best support system I could ever hope for.  Life for the most part is back to normal from the craziness of last year (as 'normal' as I get, haha!) but there are still days that are difficult.  One thing that has been hard for me to accept is that this is never going to go away.  I hate it so much and it is so exhausting, it would be much easier to just be able to get rid of it completely.  But that is not how mental illness works.  It ebbs and flows, it has ups and downs.

I have been struggling the past several months with my feelings about the diagnosis, about why this intensified so much out of nowhere, and honestly about why I have to struggle with this at all.  While I've known since I was little something was different about me and the way my brain worked, this past year has changed me as a person...I am not the same girl I was a year ago.  In MANY ways.  I want to talk about it, I want to share how it feels, I want to process all this, I want to spread awareness.  But I don't want to burden anyone in my life as this past year was hard on them too, and quite honestly I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it.  So I am here to process.  I know this blog was/is primarily about my road back to being physically healthy, but I'm getting back to being mentally healthy as well so this is part of my journey.  Now that I am in such a better place, I really feel like I need to honor this past year, give it the respect it deserves, because it was huge.  It turned my world upside down, it literally scared me nearly to death, it changed my relationships, it opened my eyes to many things, it grew my understanding of and my relationship with God, it absolutely changed my life.  And while of course I wish I didn't have this experience to write about, everything happens for a purpose.  I truly believe that I am where I am supposed to be in this life and I am proud of how this past year has shaped me.  Things might be a little more difficult day to day then they used to be but I am also a lot stronger.  It feels good to know and really BELIEVE, that no matter what happens, what worries or struggles may come, I will be okay.  I will make it through.