Lost and Found

So it's been over a month since I have written. I needed to take a break and do some introspection...it's been a good few weeks and I feel uplifted. There are a lot of things in my life that I am working on right now, my weight and health being only one of them. I have always struggled a great deal with anxiety and nervousness, and the past year or so it has really come to a head. The severity of the feelings I get isn't something that I can fully explain unless you've experienced it yourself, so I'll just leave it at that. But I've been really working on this and I'm feeling positive. Tonight I actually felt the urge to sit back down at my keyboard and write something. So here I am!

I've been back on board the health train for a few weeks now after having tumbled off in a fit of binges and lack of self-control. I'm down 10 pounds, currently at 234.2 (My new starting weight was 244.2 when I got back on track). I actually haven't really been following a plan, I've just been eating healthier and eating less, as well as exercising whenever I get the chance. The last week or two have actually been pretty difficult...Jeff and I went out for Fathers Day to a fancy dinner and I think that became a little bump in the road for me, and I haven't been AS steadfast since. But I'm still at it:)

Friday I went to pick up Ian from my parent's house and mom and I ended up taking a video on her camera of Ian laughing (it was pretty hysterical...he was cracking up!). I was holding him while mom filmed, and when I watched it back, I was mortified. I can't even believe I look the way that I do. Since I've lost 10 pounds, I've been feeling pretty good, I am even wearing a pair of capris I haven't worn since before I got pregnant. But then I see a video of myself like this and it blows me away. Sometimes I think that this challenge is just too big, that it's not possible for me to be thin again. Even NORMAL again. 10 pounds is great, but when you have 100 to lose, it's a drop in the bucket, and it's very easy to get overwhelmed.

My brother-in-law is the family genealogist and photo archiver. Today he sent me a ton of emails full of old pics of the family, including some of me during the first few years that Jeff and I were dating (we will have been together 13 years this December!). I love looking at old pics, it's one of my favorite things. But sometimes it's really hard. I see the person I used to be and it just kills me inside. Here's the one that really got to me today.....

Yea, it's a goofy shot, I'm a dork, I know. But I love this picture. I was a happy, fun and beautiful (it's my blog and I'll toot my horn if I want to;) girl. I long to be this person again... When I find pictures like this it makes me so sad...to think about what I have done to myself over the last ten years just rips me apart (yes, I am aware that I did this to myself, that it's no ones fault but my own, but that doesn't change how it makes me feel). I sometimes even fantasize about what drastic thing I would do or what I would sacrifice to look like that again. And often I cry. I just can't help it...to see that person, who I used to be, letting that person slip away is my biggest regret in life. Really, it's probably my only true regret.

But I am going to chose not to do those things this time. I am not going to daydream about the amount of money I would pay to look like that again, and I'm not going to imagine the bargain I could offer. I'm not going to dwell on how wonderful I felt back then, I'm not going to curse myself for losing control. And I'm not going to cry. Instead I am going to find her. She is here, somewhere. Sometimes we talk, sometimes after a long workout I feel her here again, telling me that I can do it, I can keep this up. Once and awhile after a few good days of eating really healthily, I hear her whispering little thoughts in my head, positive little ideas that tell me I can succeed at this. It's in moments like those that I know she's not lost forever. She is waiting for me, I just have to keep working at this, keep looking, and I'll find her.