Trust the Process

You're never going to lose the weight.

When are you ever going to be successful at something?

You should have learned a healthier way to eat a long time ago, it's too late now.

You might as well eat whatever you want today, you're not getting anywhere anyway.

You fail at most things, why would this be any different?

 

Why is everything always so hard?  

Yep, these are all thoughts that come to me as I stand looking at a scale that won't go down.  I've been working really hard but things numbers-wise aren't cooperating and that has had my motivation waning the last day or two.  I talked with my trainer/friend this morning and I feel a lot better (I also promised to avoid the scale for a bit), but I've spent a lot of time today reflecting on why I put so much importance on the number on the scale.  I can tell I am building muscle, especially in my arms and legs, and I wore a shirt a few days ago that used to be way too small, so I know I am making progress.  You can't exercise and eat the way I am without becoming more fit.  It's just fact.  I don't why the numbers won't show it, but I have to trust the process and trust that my body will show the results even if the scale won't.  

Earlier today I watched the latest episode of Extreme Makeover.  I have mixed feelings about shows like that, but just seeing such a huge change in people is really motivating to me, so I watch.  The woman on this episode had her breakthrough when she stopped viewing herself as a victim.  It resonated with me, because I realized that that is my problem too.  All those thoughts that run through my head when I'm disappointed by the scale (or a friend, or my kids, or anything!) are just pathetic!  Everyone goes through things in their lives that aren't easy.  Everybody has rough patches but the fact of the matter is, life goes on!  You can't change the past but I'll tell you one thing you have control over and that is your future!  I have to put my confidence in MYSELF and not in a stupid piece of plastic and metal.  I CAN (and will) succeed on this journey, and I refuse to let that little victim voice in my head tell me that I can't.  I am not who I used to be, and I like this girl a lot more than the old one. ;)

Ready

I know I'm really bad about keeping this blog updated; I always plan to get more active with it and then never get around to doing it.  But I am trying to change that!  Thanks to anyone taking the time to read, despite how sporadic I am.

Started the year off at an all time high of 265.6.  Crazy!  Spent the last 6 months or so up and down the same 10 pounds, getting serious for a bit and then throwing in the towel for awhile.  The first time I was really successful at weight-loss (before the year from hell) I can't tell you what initiated it.  I was just sick of it.  Something inside me told me it was time.  And with strength from God I stepped up and I did it (it's the only explanation for me being able to actually start to change..I definitely couldn't do it on my own).  I lost 70 pounds and I was healthy and strong!  It wasn't a bad picture that set me off, a rude comment or a pair of jeans that didn't fit, something inside me just switched.  And for a long time I did awesome...nothing was going to get me off track.  But then life happened, and I allowed myself to make excuses (when instead I should have been using healthy food and exercise as a therapy through it all!) and before I knew it, it was January 2015 and I had gained back every single pound plus a few.

I am so pumped right now because a couple of weeks ago, I think that switch was flipped again.  I just felt ready, like it was time to step it up.  So I started tracking again on My Fitness Pal, and I really started hitting the gym hard.  I've been doing 2 pilates sessions and 2 training sessions a week, but I wasn't doing a lot of cardio.  So I added treadmill work every day.  Some days I just walk at a decent pace 4-5 miles, some days I crank up the incline, and some days I try to get back to my running (today I was able to run 5K!!!!  And in 49 minutes!  Which I know is slow to some but to me that is awesome!!).  Going every day might seem a little much but you know what?  I have spent the majority of my life being lazy.  Most of the days of my life have been rest days, and that is what got me to where I am today!  So for the last couple weeks I have worked my butt off and my eating and water has been on point.  I've cut out the sugar and a lot of the carbs as well as the soda.  I'm actually really loving my veggies!  What?!?

So that's where I'm at right now.  I weighed in this morning at 249, so I'm at 16.6 pounds and counting.  It probably would be more but I discovered this week that my hypothyroid was screwed up again so I had to increase my meds. In a week or two that will regulate and the weight loss will be a bit easier.  I can already tell a difference in my waist, arms and legs (a lot of that is the PT I've been doing...she kicks my ass!) but most of all, I just FEEL better.  I'm calmer, happier, less anxious.  And proud.  I am really proud of how hard I am working.  I MISSED that feeling!

I post a lot on Instagram to help hold myself accountable but I want to do more updates here too. There have been so many people that have been so inspiring to me, so many that continue to be incredibly supportive.  I am so thankful for that and I hope that someday I can be that person for someone too.

Blog Therapy

I'm posting right now only as a means of therapy for myself today.  It has been a rainy week and today we are having some storms.  Our french drain backed up this afternoon for the first time since we fixed the patio and I had a little freak out moment.  I talked myself through it, prayed through it and reminded myself that we got a TON of rain in just a few minutes and it's normal for that to happen...it drained within a minute of the rain lightening up and I know everything is fine.

But here I am.  And how pathetic I feel that this is what is occupying my mind.  In fact, some of you reading this may be rolling your eyes or wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It is embarrassing even to admit but this is what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder does to someone. It is like a parasite that latches on to one little event, one tiny thought in your brain and it just starts to gnaw away until it grows bigger and bigger and your heart starts racing, you feel nervous flutters in your stomach, you start to sweat, and you can't do or think about anything else but that.

For some people with OCD it takes washing their hands 14 times to make the thought 'ok'.  Or maybe they have to walk in and out of the doorway 7 times and then everything is alright.  Mine (fortunately/unfortunately?) is primarily obsessions with no real compulsions.  So there isn't any definite action I can take to rid myself of my thoughts.  My only rescue is praying through it until I feel relief, 'asking' my way through it (asking other people to reassure me that it's nothing to worry about) or just talking myself out of it, which is always difficult.  Sometimes I do 'check' things...(the basement, the porch, the ceilings) but even checking doesn't usually relieve the thoughts.

Don't get me wrong, I am doing AWESOME.  God has blessed me and answered my prayers with so many gifts; coping mechanisms, successful medication and the best support system I could ever hope for.  Life for the most part is back to normal from the craziness of last year (as 'normal' as I get, haha!) but there are still days that are difficult.  One thing that has been hard for me to accept is that this is never going to go away.  I hate it so much and it is so exhausting, it would be much easier to just be able to get rid of it completely.  But that is not how mental illness works.  It ebbs and flows, it has ups and downs.

I have been struggling the past several months with my feelings about the diagnosis, about why this intensified so much out of nowhere, and honestly about why I have to struggle with this at all.  While I've known since I was little something was different about me and the way my brain worked, this past year has changed me as a person...I am not the same girl I was a year ago.  In MANY ways.  I want to talk about it, I want to share how it feels, I want to process all this, I want to spread awareness.  But I don't want to burden anyone in my life as this past year was hard on them too, and quite honestly I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it.  So I am here to process.  I know this blog was/is primarily about my road back to being physically healthy, but I'm getting back to being mentally healthy as well so this is part of my journey.  Now that I am in such a better place, I really feel like I need to honor this past year, give it the respect it deserves, because it was huge.  It turned my world upside down, it literally scared me nearly to death, it changed my relationships, it opened my eyes to many things, it grew my understanding of and my relationship with God, it absolutely changed my life.  And while of course I wish I didn't have this experience to write about, everything happens for a purpose.  I truly believe that I am where I am supposed to be in this life and I am proud of how this past year has shaped me.  Things might be a little more difficult day to day then they used to be but I am also a lot stronger.  It feels good to know and really BELIEVE, that no matter what happens, what worries or struggles may come, I will be okay.  I will make it through.

You are so much more than a number!!

Lately all I can think about is our upcoming vacation.  Next month we are heading to Puerto Rico for a couple days and then on a Caribbean cruise.  The kids are staying home so this is just us and I cannot wait.  We did this exact cruise in December of 2013 and to be honest, it was an awful vacation and it was all my fault.  Trips for us are so important to our marriage...we really reconnect and since we have no distractions we get to talk and spend lots of time together that we normally don't get at home.  It is something that is very special to both of us.  But last time, I was SO distracted.  First, I had chipped a tooth the week before we went and even though I got it repaired the day before we left I was still a mess and super anxious.  When we landed it was raining and somehow that got into my head and I couldn't let it go.  I started worrying about what the weather might be like coming home from our trip (we tend to have awful luck when it comes to weather and travel) and it took over all my thoughts the entire week.  I must have looked so strange all week...I would wear headphones in the lounges to keep from hearing other people's conversations for fear they would mention JFK (our connection), or a storm that MIGHT be coming (there wasn't one).  I wouldn't read the news that would come to our room every day because it had a weather update in it and I didn't want to read something bad might be coming.  Same with the TV..I made Jeff keep it on sports the whole time for fear of possibly seeing a newscast.  I spent the entire time fearful for absolutely no reason other than the fact that my brain was stuck.  I couldn't shake it and because of that it overtook all my thoughts and energy.  We didn't have nice conversations, we didn't have relaxing time by the pool or intimate romantic dinners.  We had a week of anxiety and a week of me asking Jeff a million times a day if everything was going to be okay.  I was so distracted I felt so awful and so bad for him as I totally ruined the trip for both of us.

So this trip next month is my do-over.  I have finally gotten these struggles under control and I am so excited to go and ENJOY myself.  To talk, relax, reconnect, all the wonderful things we look forward to on vacation.  I am so happy to be feeling better and nothing is going to stop me from having an amazing time.  My normal stress for vacations before the OCD issues got really bad was my weight...I was always so stressed out about being heavy and trying to find the perfect suit to make me look better, the perfect cocktail dress to keep from being embarrassed.  Ugh, so much energy worrying about what other people would think about what I looked like!  Even up to a month or two ago I was stressing about how to lose the most weight before the trip.  But something came over me the first of the year.  It doesn't matter if I go at the weight I am now or if I was 50 pounds lighter...I am the same person either way.  I amount to more than what the numbers on the scale says!  I don't need anyone's approval to make ME enjoy my trip (or my life!).  I went through too much last year and grew too much as a person to waste my energy worrying about being embarrassed of what I look like.  So I made a decision when I started this journey again at the first of the year to stop beating myself up.  If I lose some weight before the trip that is awesome, but I don't need to go crazy and starve myself or some other craziness to lose SO MUCH weight beforehand.  I decided that from now on my life will be one of health and good habits.  A life where I don't care what some stranger on a cruise might think about my swimsuit or my dress.  A life where I love myself instead of belittling who I am and what I look like.

And you know what's funny?  Once I made that decision my excitement for this trip, and even for life on a daily basis, multiplied astronomically.  I look forward to every single thing about this vacation, and I can honestly say I haven't felt that way in a really really long time.  This time I will be making up for all the wasted moments I've had worrying about so many unnecessary things....the weather, my clothes, my weight, our flights, all those things that took up space in my mind.  I am so thankful that God has allowed me to grow in Him and realize who I am as a person, and more importantly who I'm NOT.  :)

This is the year!

We are only two weeks into 2015 and I already feel like so much has happened!  That is the problem with my being a inconsistent blogger....I end up with too much to say in one post!  Gotta work on more frequent postings. :)

First off, I'm really proud to say that I'm down 11 pounds so far this month!  6 pounds last week, and 5 this week.  I know progress won't always be so awesome but it's a good place to start!  I've been working really hard with my nutrition.  I've given up sugar completely for the time being...I think that I am going to try to stick with it until vacation (Feb 26th!) and then be very limited after that.  I've also given up white carbs for the most part.  While I have had rice, mashed potatoes, etc. here and there, I have given up the rolls with dinner, bread, etc..  Really I just have carbs (esp white carbs) once a day.  And I'm drinking tons and tons of water! I do allow myself a coke zero as long as I've had at least 8 glasses of water first.  But even a coke zero feels like a treat!

It's so funny how much you start to enjoy food when you start eating to LIVE instead of living to EAT.  For a snack sometimes I have cherries and it amazes me how simple and sweet they are.  I know it may sound silly, but when you cut out sugar your tastebuds start to recognize NATURAL sweetness and everything just tastes better.  You're all probably laughing at me right now but it's really amazing to me!  It just shows you how crappy my eating has been for so long now!  I had a rice cake with peanut butter the other day and honest to goodness it was like the best treat ever!  It is so great to be able to ENJOY healthy food instead of being annoyed with it.

The other factor that's helping with this progress is MOVEMENT!  I've tried to be a lot more focused on my fitbit so I am constantly moving.  I don't always hit my 10,000 steps a day but I try!  I'm still at my 2 pilates sessions a week (LOVE!) and I'm trying to get at least a couple treadmill 5K's in a week as well.  I am still slow as can be but I'm getting there!  I did my 1st official (virtual) 5K of 2015 on the first, and have another one coming up on the 24th (that one downtown...PLEASE let it be at least 30 degrees!).  It feels so amazing to be back in the gym and back to eating healthy.  I really feel like a new person this year.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and last year was just preparing me to be in the place I am now.  I feel so strong and so confident, I know it won't happen overnight (or even close) but I have no doubt that this is the time for me to change and finally live a healthy life...physically AND mentally.  This is our year my friends, we can do it!!!  :)

 

Call me cliche', but.....

This post is all about the new year!  I am already confident that it will be the best year ever...and I am excited to get it started!  I know it's so cliche' but the new year does bring an air of freshness with it...a feeling of possibility and opportunity.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there making posts today just like mine, vowing that this is THE year, that 2015 will be IT.  Some people will succeed, many will not.  I have said it many MANY times before and I have failed just as many times.  But for me, this year is different.

After 2014, nothing will stop me.  (Sorry for the previous post being so heavy...just had to get that all out and share it with you!)  I have learned so much about myself and my potential, my strength and my abilities.  If I can make it through the madness that happened in the past 12 months, I can get healthy again, THAT is for sure.  What was the point in fighting for my mental health so desperately if I allow myself to remain jeopardizing my physical one?  There is no excuse!  All the hard work, the tears, the prayers and the struggles matter so much less if I continue to be so unhealthy in so many other ways.  Did I spend an entire year struggling for sanity, calmness and mental stability just to kill myself with food?  What a waste that would be.  And how hurtful to all the people that supported me and helped me through my journey this year.  And how dishonorable to God above all.  

So, heavy stuff aside, I am ready to hit the ground running!  I have my Ipod and Fitbit charging and my alarm is set for the gym in the morning.  I have a virtual 5k to complete tomorrow and then pilates at 9am.  Then I have to concentrate on getting my time better for 5k's because I have an actual 5k on the 24th.  It will be extremely hard at first as I am super out of shape.  My back will ache and my body will be in shock but it will feel good and be worth it.  I am probably at my heaviest weight ever (we'll see tomorrow!) but that's okay because I am going to change that.  Gone are the days of beating myself up and throwing pity parties.  Life is too short.  Not that it will be easy...I am not naive.  But I have discovered that I am so much stronger than I ever thought...God has great plans for me and I refuse to miss them!!

So my friends, here are my 2015 goals.  I may adjust/add/delete as time goes on but I think it's a good place to start. :)

1.  Complete at least one 5k race (virtual or actual) a month.

2.  Continue with my 2 pilates sessions per week.

3.  Work on my running endurance/time at the gym or outside at least 3x a week.

4.  Start using the weight equipment at the gym or free weights at home, at least 2x a week.

5.  Be running 5k's consistently under 35 minutes by the end of the year (yes, that is my goal.  Yes, I know I am slow. LOL)

6.  DRASTICALLY cut the amount of sugar I consume.  I will allow myself treats occasionally but I have gone totally overboard in this area lately.

7.  Concentrate more on HEALTHY EATING.  Complex carbs, protein and veggies!

8.  Teach my boys healthier ways of eating!

9.  Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.

10.  Read the Bible in it's entirety.  

11.  Consistently keep up my prayer journal.

12.  Read Made to Crave.

13.  Spend more time with my grandma and grandpa.

14.  Remember that life is AWESOME! And have a great positive attitude more consistently.

15.  Dedicate myself to more project completion...house decor projects and the kids memory stuff :)

16.  Do my nails and makeup more often!

17.  Yell Less!

18.  Love more!

19.  Take family pictures for Christmas cards next year :)

20.  Make my husband, family, kids and friends proud of me. :)

So there you go folks!  So excited to watch this year as these things come to fruition.  Thanks so much to each of you for being along for the ride!

The year in which I almost broke, but didn't.

When I think about the new year coming, I have butterflies.  Good, happy, cute little butterflies.  I look back at the last 12 months or so and am so amazed that I could be so excited for something after a year like 2014 that brought me to my knees.

I can honestly say that this has been the worst year of my life.  I would not wish it on anyone nor do I ever hope to repeat it.   But I also dare say that I am glad it happened.

I think back to the person I was a year ago and she is gone.  She was in love with her new house, she was excited and hopeful for all the fun that a new home brings and happy to be in a new neighborhood, meeting new people and finding a place in a new community.  She was anxiously anticipating her 5 year old's first year of school and was trying to figure out how to manage a 1.5 (but totally already 3) year old who had just discovered he had opinions and could actually make his OWN choices, much to her dismay.  She had a picture in her mind of what the days would be like in this place, how she would function here as a wife and mother of two....this felt like a new start to her.  The beginning of the next chapter.  She was 60 pounds lighter, she wore cute clothes and she loved it.  She loved God and knew He loved her.  She worried about what others thought of her and hoped never to make anyone mad or say the wrong things, and when she thought she might have been guilty of such, she worried herself into a frenzy.  But she was happy.  Mostly.

Then like a hurricane, the year swooped in and tossed her plans to the wind.  Here I find it hard to even describe how things turned upside down, but looking back it feels like one minute I was okay, and the next I was not.  One minute I was planning how to decorate our rooms, and the next I was worried (frantically and desperately so) that our house was built on a sinkhole that would at any minute collapse into a marsh of water.  One minute I was picking out a table for our kitchen and the next I was panicked that our house was most definitely filled with deadly mold and we would go bankrupt and homeless trying to remedy it.  One minute I was watching a nice movie after the boys went to bed and the next I was sobbing uncontrollably over my certainty that we would all die of radiation poisoning.  My mind rolled with insane possibilities.

Our crawl spaces (all nearly 2000 sq. ft of them) turning to swimming pools, our sky lights leaking, our flooded patio and yard with water seeping in the basement corners...all these things were real.  The mice who died and smelled up the wall, the broken piping and the garage roof leaking and all the other little things...they all happened.  But as these events unfolded, something in my mind clicked and a small little spot of darkness that I had always suspected was there started to grow.

Growing up I had always been a nervous kid...always scared of everything and all the potential awful things that could happen (but rarely actually ever did).  There were a few instances when I was younger where I feared that there might actually be something wrong with me...times when my fears and anxiety was so out of control that I worried I may never get a handle on it again.  But things always calmed down, I always talked myself back into reality and was able to recognize the truth of my fear at the time.  Because of my family history, this was worrisome to me but because I felt mostly in control of things as I got older, I never really put much attention into it.

This past year was like my brain was making up for the last 15 or so years of mostly calmness.  I remember one night, laying in bed crying, thinking, 'this is what it feels like to be crazy!  I am crazy.'  And the next thought, 'what if I never get better and I am like this the rest of my life?!!'.  And then the panic would come.  The heart racing and the stomach turning and the sweating and crying and shaking.  I have never in my life felt such a total loss of control.  There aren't even words I can type here to make you understand that feeling unless you have felt it yourself.  It is a feeling of utter and total helplessness.  A feeling so incredibly sickening and dark that, I am ashamed to admit, led me to even consider the possibility of just swallowing all the pills I had in the bathroom (which at the time was a good number; I had sought help from a psychiatrist and we were trying to figure out what would help) and being done with it.  And then being terrified by the feeling of total relief that idea brought to me.  I can't describe this to you...I was in a pit of darkness.  It was the lowest I have ever been and ever hope to be.

This year I battled something that many people fight.  It is a battle that someone in my life who I love very much fights every day.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the anxiety that it breeds is not a joke or something that one can easily remedy or treat.  It is something that can be all consuming, terrifying, depressing and debilitating.  It is life altering and scary.  It is a part of me and always will be...my brain is wired that way.

All of that said...I am glad this year happened.  (WHAT?? I know, right?)  While it might have been the most absolutely awful year, it was also the most defining.  The most reflective and refining.  When you have been through torment and suffering you often learn the most about yourself.  About the people around you.  And for me, about my God.  He is my God!!!  I have loved Him for a long time and I know He has always loved me...but this year, I learned who He truly is.  He saved my life...He gave me strength when I was so weak I didn't think I would make it through.  He gave me friends who heard my pain and would literally hang up on me to drive to my house and read me scripture and prayed with me, just so I could get through the day.  He gave me my doctors, who were able to find physical means of treatment that have made a world of difference.  He gave me my husband, who if you know him you know how hard this kind of thing would be for him to help me with, but who managed to hold me and reassure me and take care of me, despite my driving him nuts asking him the same questions repeatedly day in and day out.  He gave me prayer warriors who sent me messages at the exact moments they were needed most.  He gave me a pastor who was able to speak truth to me in a way that resonated more than he will ever know...speaking words that to this day I repeat that uplift me and encourage me so so much.  As bad as this year and all of it's discoveries was, it allowed me to start a process of treatment and of enlightenment so powerful that I am fully and entirely altered by it.

Not that God just showed up and snapped His mighty fingers and fixed my brain.  This is an ongoing, never-ending process that takes work.  It takes my effort and time and my desire to BE better.  It takes prayer, and counseling and self-reflection and medication and thought process changes and all kinds of hard work.  But I called to Him and He answered in all those ways.  In so many ways I could go on forever.  I remember several times walking into our prayer meetings at church just leveled by fear and worry and obsessive craziness and I would sit and cry and write and write and write...prayers to God, questions, spilling my heart out.  And a feeling of relief would start to cover me.  A feeling of hope...something that I had been without for a long time.  Here someone would come to pray with me, miraculously knowing just the right words despite knowing nothing of my struggle. Here would come a breathtakingly gorgeous sunset appearing as I walked to my car.  These are the things my God gave to me...these are the things that saved me.

So yes, the girl I was a year ago is gone.  She is now new and she is hopeful.  She is not afraid because she knows there is a purpose for her, a future full of hope.  She is SO incredibly thankful for all her blessings, even (and especially) the house her family calls home.  She is confident in herself and who she is and she is not worried about what others may think of her.  She is not ashamed of her illness but excited at the opportunity to share and grow and educate.  She loves her husband and her kids to death and knows life isn't easy but is proud that she is their mother and his wife.  She is 60 pounds heavier now but she loves herself more than she ever has.   She is not fooled into thinking that everything will always be okay, but instead knows that no matter what comes He is there.  She is a daughter of the one true King and has a relationship that a year ago, she would never have imagined.

The dread, fear and sadness that hung over this past year is gone.  I feel excitement again.  I feel butterflies! (happy ones!!)  I am hopeful and I am confident.  I am strong, I am unapologetic, I am incredibly blessed and I am happy.  I am so unequivocally unbelievably thankful.  I'm thankful for it all.  I am so excited for this new year.  The best is yet to come!!

Mish-Mash of Catch Up (including some actual fitness stuff! Can you believe it?)

So much to catch up on.  Going to try to not make this too long as I'm exhausted and I have a cross stitch I am itching to get back at. (yep, I said cross stitch).

1.  My little baby started kindergarten!!  How is this freaking possible????  I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone.  But I will tell you, I DIDN'T CRY!  I think it's because he's at the same place he was last year and is still all day just like last year, but still!  I am so proud of how well he is adjusting this first week.  His teacher seems to be sweet as pie and I love her to death already.  I'm excited for this year and what growth it will bring in him!

2.  Monday, I will be walking back into the gym and meeting with my old trainer/friend Jami.  I was recently reminded that I still had some sessions on my account so I am going to use them.  With the ridiculous amount of money we have had to put into the house we can't really afford to pay for PT right now so I am so blessed to realize I have a dozen to use.  We are starting with cardio since I can barely walk half a mile without being winded with a sore back, and will add some pilates in to strengthen my core.  I am just about as heavy as I was when I first walked into the gym so long ago to meet with Mandy, so this is a hard, embarrassing, humbling step for me.  But I love Jami and it helps to have a friend to be stepping back into this journey with, so I am ready.  And honestly, I'm not throwing a pity party about it.  Thanks to God and a lot of awesome friends and support in my life, I am learning to love myself so matter what.  So like I've said before, it happened, now I have to fix it.  No use crying over spilled milk!!  I am working to overcome too many other things right now to worry about feeling sorry for myself about my weight.  It will feel SO weird to get back at this fitness journey...it's been so long since I've been dedicated but I am excited for it.  I hate starting this all over, but like Jami said the other day, the beginning is always a good place to start! :)  Get ready everyone!! I am ready to kick some major butt.  PLUS two bits of extra motivation...I went clothes shopping for our Chicago weekend next month and had to buy RIDICULOUS sizes.  Ticked me off SO bad to spend so much money buying new clothes (I donated all the old 'big' ones because "I'm never going to be that size again!!" LOL) when I have a whole closet of awesome hot clothes that I just CAN'T FIT!!  GRRRR!!  AND, we just booked a cruise vacation for February 26th and I SWEAR to you that I will be 100% comfortable with my body by then.  I won't be at my ultimate goal obviously, but I will be a lot closer, a lot healthier and more fit.  There is a hike in the Dominican Republic that I am dying to do but you have to be in good shape.  I WILL be doing that hike.
Get ready friends!!!  I am back at this like never before! ;)

3.  Lastly, and most importantly, on Sunday August 10th I was rebaptized.  On my 25th birthday I was baptized and it really did mean a lot to me.  But I was young in my walk with the Lord, and while I was making a statement, I don't think I truly understood the magnitude of what a decision like that meant.  I am in SUCH a different place now, and have been working on overcoming/defeating SUCH different things.  I have been feeling led to be rebaptized for a few weeks now and there were several signs Sunday that it was time.  My husband wasn't even there and only a couple close friends were able to witness it, it was such a spontaneous thing...if I would have known I would have told the whole world! :)  The past year has led me to a place with God where there is no turning back and this was my final surrender to Him.  I have felt his love pouring out on me in so many ways throughout the trials I've had the past year (in seemingly unbelievable miraculous ways!!), and this was something I needed to do.  I am so proud, and so blessed, and so completely consumed in His grace and love.  No matter what happens I know that as long as I am walking with Him, things will always be okay.

So those are the three biggest things going on with me lately.  Well, and they house.  They are almost done with the patio so fingers crossed, our water problem will hopefully be totally resolved really soon.  Definitely excited for that!

Thanks my friends for reading this, for being out there and being a support in so many different ways.  I am thankful for each and every one of you!!!!

(Could I ever write a short post for once?  Geesh! :)  )

The Next Right Step

Pace quickens, panic begins
things suddenly worse than they've ever been...
Heart is racing, stomach turns
Thoughts are flying of what I might learn.

The fine line of reality quickly gets blurry,
As I frantically search for relief to my fury...
Somewhere deep inside a voice of reason whispers,
But an irrational giant stomps it out as they bicker.

On and on they fight as my tears start to fall,
A battle in my brain, the ultimate brawl.
Will there be elated relief as all is right with my world?
Or the sick pit of dread knowing what 'might' unfurl?

Time will be my answer,
As to the winner of this war...
Until the next spark of doubt,
Ignites it once more.

I wrote this in the very beginning of my struggle a few months ago.  This is, for me, the essence of my obsessions.  Fear of something so irrational; a fight in my mind between the truth and the lies, that I can't manage to grasp control of.  A fear that makes you wear earplugs in the lounge on your luxury cruise so that you don't hear people talking about potential snowstorms, a fear that makes you ask complete strangers questions that *just might* help convince you things are okay, a fear that makes you obsess over your stupid idiotic basement when you are trying to enjoy a waterpark with your beautiful children, or a fear that makes you get down on your knees in the middle of JFK and pray to the Lord for good weather.  I am so thankful that I have God on my side and that I am learning better ways to cope, respond, handle, and move forward but it is definitely a day by day (sometimes minute to minute) process.  A tough part lately I have found is that even when I can gain control and take authority over these fears, I may feel physical relief (my stomach stops hurting, my heart stops racing) but often I am left with a sadness, almost a depression, that is very hard to overcome.  I will be honest and say that some days I just feel like crying all day long (like today :) ).  Luckily I am blessed with amazing friends whose open arms definitely give me relief and a sense of love and reality to all this. 

I would like to say I can read my Bible, say my prayers, take my medicine and tell myself it's okay and BOOM, the thoughts and depression are gone.  But I am on a journey and it is not a simple road.  Some days will be much harder than others but I refuse to live in my misery for the rest of my life and I refuse to allow this crap to steal my life from me.  This is my battle to fight, and with the armor of God, the love of my friends and the strength in my heart I will eventually be victorious; I just have to take the right step.  And then the one after that. 

What if blessings come in raindrops...

When I was in school I always wanted to be a writer.  I wrote poetry, journals, prose, really anything that was on my mind.  For awhile I even planned to major in English and eventually become a professor.  It would come in ebbs and flows, but I always wrote more when I was in a negative place in my life...it was just a way to get all those feelings out.  As years have passed I've gotten away from my writing.  Time, responsibilities and circumstances have changed my priorities and I find myself more often than not struggling to find the right words when I DO want to sit down and get my feelings out. 

I have wanted to write this post for a few weeks now but have found it hard to put into words.  And honestly, hard to even talk about.  But here I am and I want to share it because I truly feel like it will really help me in this process.  And who knows, maybe someone out there is like me and needing to know they are not alone. :)

So I shared on my last update the struggles I have been having with my anxiety and OCD.  Well friends, I would like to say that things just magically cleared up after I figured things out but instead everything kind of just went in the other direction.  I don't want to make this post 100 years long but I'll just say that some more insane CRAP came up with the house and my obsessive thoughts and worries skyrocketed.  We are getting all these new things repaired and fixed and ultimately these issues aren't something to get so worked up about...really it's something that a 'normal' person would just be really irritated by, but tell that to my imbalanced brain.  Long story short, our issues have been all water-related, so every time it would rain I would go into a panic.  Like, heart racing, sweating, hysterical sobbing, lightheaded, hide-under-the-covers-all-day panic. 

I feel like I should share that I grew up with mental illness in my family.  I don't want to get into it but let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and in my family's case no treatment has ever really been sought.  So I've seen the long term effects, repercussions, hurt, pain and torture this can do to a person. 

This brings me to my other part of the problem.  When I would get into a panic, and start constantly obsessing over something, the logical part of me would finally, mercifully take over and remind me that it would be okay, everything would work out (sometimes this would be a result of me asking my husband or friends over and over to reassure me or sometimes it would take me checking certain spots of the basement over and over....).  But then as soon as I felt the relief, I also felt the stabbing fear of familiarity of my youth, a fear of what I know I could easily become and what my life could potentially look like.  It is scary (or a gift?) to actually have been able to see a picture of your potential future.  On one hand it offers you a glimpse of the path that you then know you have to try not to follow, but on the other it gives you a fear of what could happen if it sucks you in.  So I would panic about something, finally find some relief only to be replaced with a different kind of worry about my future and who I truly am as a person.  It's a vicious cycle. 

I'm sorry this is so long, I just want to get all this out.  Thanks for listening if you're still with me at this point.

One morning after a particularly difficult night (one of several where I had contemplated just checking myself into a hospital....) I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone, started crying just out of pure sadness and fear and frustration, and she told me she was coming over and hung up on me LOL.  Now, I have a STRONG faith in God and I believe that this is NOT what he wants for me.  But at where I was that morning, I just honestly felt like I was not hearing Him in my life.  I felt so alone.  My friend came and we talked about this stuff, who I am in Him and what He wants for me.  We prayed and we read scripture out loud (take THAT Satan!) and I felt a lot better.  It opened my eyes to a path that I think I have been avoiding for a long time.  God wants me to get to know Him and who I am in Him.  He is not quiet during this struggle I'm having, he is holding me in His hands and crying with me.  I spent the next couple weeks processing the things we talked about, reading more scripture, sharing with my friends for support and talking with my counselor.  Some days I would have scripture scrawled along my arm just so I could see it at all times (which ironically one day washed away in the heavy rain we had...can I get a break?? LOL).  I also met with my pastor who was a TREMENDOUS help for me.  He is one of the most REAL, honest, down to Earth, caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I am SO thankful for him.  He gave me a huge amount of perspective with this situation.  He helped me realize that:

1. God has a purpose and a plan for me in this life.  I will NOT let this disease steal it from me!
2. I have this problem...it will NOT have me.
3. If my family member knew what I was going through (they are not aware and we don't really talk much) they would tell me to RUN in the other direction as fast as I can.  This for some reason really spoke to me...gives me more strength to fight.
4. This is giving me a new perspective on my family and their problems.  It is allowing me to begin a process of forgiveness, and a place sympathy and care instead of anger. 
5. God wants me to take care of myself.  Spiritually, mentally and physically.  God, my counseling and the gym will be my priorities.
6. I must renew my mind in Him.  This does not mean that I will be 'cured' or never worry or not have struggles anymore, but it will change the way I live and respond to them.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."  Romans 12:1-2

So my friends, here I am today, beginning a new spiritual and physical journey.  I am beginning it with a mess in my head and a 255 or so on the scale but I am hopeful and positive.  Yes, I am 6 lbs away from my heaviest weight ever.  Yes, I checked the weather forecast this evening.  Yes, I cried a little today.  But I don't feel the hopeless, depressive blanket over me anymore.  I am beginning a battle and I will win it because I have God on my side.  And I have the MOST amazing friends and support system that anyone could EVER ask for.  To have someone see you at your lowest, craziest, most insane and hysterical point and still hug you and love you anyway is a feeling that tells me how truly blessed I am.

And tonight, when it rained, I thanked God for the stars behind the clouds.

It's a Beautiful Life

So I just sat here for an hour writing about all the things that have happened in the last year and deleted it all.  It just didn't seem like it was coming out right.  Too many details.  I need to get right to the point. 

I have gained a lot of weight.  Wednesday morning I was at 242.6.  Nope, you're not reading that wrong.  I am not going to sit here and give you a sob story or make excuses, nor am I beating myself up.  Yes, it makes me sad that I feel like I wasted my entire year last year and all the hard work I did, but nothing is a waste if you learn something from it.  All I can do is move on and chose to step forward in faith that I can refocus and that I will succeed at this journey no matter how long it takes. 

In the last year we have sold our old house and bought a new one.  Over the past several months we have had many issues come about in our new place that have caused major stress and anxiety.  It has cost us tens of thousands of dollars to repair these problems, and to be honest, with the kind of person I am, the mental toll of dealing with all this crap has been the worst part.  We did seek legal advice and I won't get into details other than to say we kind of ended up with the short end of the stick with the whole situation, but I am thankful that we had the capability to make the repairs we needed to make.  We are so blessed to have this roof over our heads and now that we are past this really rough patch I am excited to finally start making it feel like OUR home.

With selling the old place, we did a TON of work making it absolutely perfect for the new owners.  It was a LOT of work LOL.  Then we moved into this house, which I already explained how fun THAT was haha.  I had a really hard time dealing with everything going on.  In December, Jeff and I went on a cruise that should have been one of the absolutely most awesome vacations ever.  But I was just 'off' the whole trip.  My anxiety was through the roof over totally irrational things and long story short, I, in essence, ruined the whole trip for both of us.  When we got home things just got worse and worse until I honestly felt like I was going crazy.  I am not saying that sarcastically or jokingly, I truly felt the grip of insanity....it was what I imagined a mental breakdown would feel like.  I was so obsessed with the most irrational, crazy things and so anxious and worried over truly everything in my life, I could barely function.  It was a huge effort to get out of bed, and I am sure that if it weren't for my boys I would have been in bed every possible minute of the day.  I am SOOO thankful to God for my family and my awesome and wonderful friends because honestly I don't think I could have made it through all that without their support.  That state of mind coupled with the extreme CRAP going on in our new house, I just couldn't take it.  I just wasn't functioning in any kind of healthy way, so my husband and I decided that it was time to seek help.  It has been a couple of months now and I am happy to say I am feeling a million times better.  I am going to be honest here and share that I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (which I have somewhat always suspected) and with that comes the extreme anxiety.  I am taking medication now (wow, this post has gotten a lot more open than I planned it to be LOL.  But hey, I've never been one to hold back ;) ) and feel like I have my life back.  I have also gotten AMAZING support from my church and my pastor who really has helped me get past some issues I was dealing with.  I am so grateful to God for carrying me through this trial in my life, and so thankful for all the people in my life that were there to lift me up when I needed it. 

So here we are my friends.  Given all that, I'm okay that I gained weight.  I am not going to throw a pity party, and while I'm obviously not happy about it (who says, "Yay! I gained 40 pounds!!" haha :) )  I am going to forgive myself and move on.  I am thankful for this life I have been given.  I am thankful for my family and my awesome kids and my amazing friends.  I am thankful for this house.  I am thankful for the freedom I have to sit here and share all this with all of you.  I am thankful that I have another day to step back on this path and refocus on me and my health.  I am not perfect, but I will succeed at this in my own way, in my own time.  And I am thankful.

Getting my groove back!!

Ahhh I feel like there's so much to post about and not enough space here or time to post it! :) 

SOOO I'll start with the 90 Day Challenge.  Like I said in my last post, I won!!!!  At 35.2 pounds, 15.53%, lost,  I came in first place at my club, and 58th place nationally!  They did a little announcement at the gym's cafe the next week to announce the winner and it was so sweet because both my trainers came to be with me when they announced it, and my husband who was working out at the time came down too.  It was so nice to finally know! LOL I feel like that week took forever.  But I'm really proud of myself and so thankful to my trainer friends for helping, supporting and encouraging me through it all (trust me, I am NOT easy to handle sometimes haha!).  I'm also thankful for all my friends and family too the past few months for listening to me whine LOL and pushing me to keep going.  So excited to have won!  The title means the most to me but I also won a free eyebrow wax and haircut/style at the gym spa, as well as $250 gym bucks (I applied it to my son's swim lessons...6 months free woot woot!!).  So happy. :)

So since the challenge was over I haven't weighed myself more than once or twice, and that was just shortly after the 90 days was over.  I am not concentrating on the numbers for the time being....my trainers and I have made a plan to focus on my fitness levels.  Work on getting stronger, and getting faster!!  I did loosen up a bit on things and as a couple weeks passed, I really felt my motivation waning.  I think I was just going so hard and so strong for the challenge that by the time it was over I was totally burned out.  I was still working out, going to my sessions, doing cardio, trying to make good eating choices (I did give in a little here and there but not too horribly) but my heart wasn't in it completely.  It didn't have me too anxious, just kind of down in the dumps because I couldn't get back in the groove.  On top of that I have so much going on in life right now, between my son starting a new school, my baby's birthday, and trying to organize a million things to get the house ready to sell (what a nightmare!  Moving is the pits!) I've been kind of stressed out so focusing on fitness hasn't been at the top of my list.  I don't know WHAT it is lately but I have been so crazy emotional!  It is nuts!  I'm working through it but man, it has been a rough couple of weeks. 

So that brings me to today.  My friend asked me a while back if I'd like to do a Color Mania 5K with her and I agreed.  I have a Color Run 5K with my trainer in July so I thought this would be a good one to start with.  Jami and I have been running together on Mondays and I've been trying to run when I can on my own, and we are making great progress.  The last run (3.1 mi) we did was 37:15, which is my fastest time yet by far.  Jami is so great at pushing me and she really helps me to keep the pace up and keep going.  She doesn't let me stop :)  And it's working!

So today was the Color Mania 5K.  It was a BLAST!  I was in such a funk this week, especially yesterday, and to be honest I didn't even feel like getting out of bed.  But I did, and I went and met my friend this morning, we headed out and we rocked it!  I am especially proud of her because she hadn't run a full 5K in awhile, and she ran the ENTIRE thing, AND we finished in 39:15 which is awesome!  It was so special and so nice to share that experience together.  On top of that, we had a fantastic time!  It was a great run, a fun experience, awesome people and we looked hilariously fantastic afterwards LOL.  Here are some pics for proof! ;)

Before!!!

 

At the finish line!  We rock!!!

 

Paint cloud!!

 

Us in the paint cloud LOL :)  I love this girl!!

 

 

I may or may not have rolled around on the ground :)

 

I also may or may not have dumped a paint packet on my friend's back ;) hehe

 

Loved it!!!!

 

 

 

 

So I honestly feel like this race today helped me get my fitness mojo back!  I felt that runners/race day high all day today and I am so excited for the next one.  My friend and I have an Electric Run later this month and I'm so pumped!  And then the Color Run with Jami next month too.  I'm even thinking about looking up some more for later in the summer.  I really am feeling that excitement back...the feeling that you get when you're doing things right and you're getting stronger.  I've been really happy with my training, my running with Jami and all that and I really feel like I've been making good progress (a couple months ago I couldn't even THINK about getting a 5K in under 40, no way!).  I am feeling that focus again and it feels good!!

Freezing Time

I am really sorry that I haven't posted lately.  Life has been crazy and there have been a million things going on.  I have been a little stressed with everything and just haven't taken the time to write.  Tonight, I am actually not getting on to write about my weight loss or my health journey at all.  I will share though that I won my contest!!  I will write more about that in a separate post soon, but I thought I should at least announce that news.  I'm so happy with myself and so excited that all my hard work paid off. :)  Yay!

This week has been so emotional for me.  My 4 year old's birthday is in late September so we have decided to wait another year before he starts kindergarten.  He has been in an awesome preschool program the last 2 years through a child center that one of my best friends owns.  This fall he will be starting a full time Pre-K program at a different center in our area, and he will start summer camp at the new place in a week or so to get used to it before school starts.  His last day at his preschool was today and his little graduation ceremony was last night.  SO adorable!  I have a lot of anxiety with the change (I don't do well with the unknown) as we are both so comfortable where he is.  Because I am so close to the owner, I know all the staff and teachers extremely well and consider them good friends.  So I guess I feel like that makes it a little harder.  The worst part is when Ian gets sad that he won't see his friends anymore.  I tell him he will make lots of new ones, and he seems okay with that.  I am thankful that he is more excited than nervous, and I'm definitely not letting him get any sense of my emotions about the situation.  Trust me friends, I know that everyone with kids goes through this.  I also know I am more emotional than a lot of people.  I am ok with that, I just need to work through it.  Simply put, the reality is that I just don't want him to grow up.  I want to keep him my little boy forever.  He brightens every single one of my days and I want to keep him home with me, I don't want him gone all day every day.  I just want to have a pause button on life.  I want to soak in a few more moments of this little boy before he isn't so little anymore. 

The other thing that is pulling on my heartstrings this week is that my sweet little baby boy is turning one on Sunday.  How did this happen!?  I promise I just brought him home from the hospital a few weeks ago!  I look at him standing up next to me, clutching the edge of the chair, grinning his toothy grin at me and I am astounded at the speed at which this year has flown by.  I have thought a lot about his birthday the past month or so and I haven't gotten emotional at all (I was a WRECK when Ian turned one) but all of a sudden I am so overwhelmed with feeling.  This life is so quick, so uncontrolled, it is astonishing to me.  I want to grab them both, sit them on my lap, rest their little boy heads on my shoulders and wrap their sweet tiny arms around my neck and keep them there, cuddling them and just holding on to them like that, trying to memorize the feeling of them right now.  Every moment they are older, each second they are not the same as they were the moment before.  I am afraid that tomorrow I will blink and they will be grown.  It is unbelievable how quickly our lives unfold in front of us. 

I wish I could freeze time.  I would hold these sweet little beautiful boys in my arms forever.

Holy cow it's been a month?!?!

I have been meaning to get back here and write a post for so long, and time just kept getting away from me.  I've been so busy, and then I kept having more and more things I wanted to post about that I started getting overwhelmed with the thought of catching up! LOL!  So here I am...get ready for a big post of rambling and random thoughts!!

Soooo, I am doing really great!  My last post I was struggling SOOO bad with getting under 200.  It was driving me insane!  Well, finally, on the morning of April 20th I weighed myself and saw this.....

I pretty much cried.  I saw that number for about 5 days in 2007 (I immediately started to gain weight back and the rest is history) and before that I can't remember how long it had been.  Probably sometime in 2003 or 2004.  I got married in 2002 and started gaining weight shortly after.  Haven't really been in the 100's since the first year or so I was married.  It is almost surreal.  It is also coincidentally my drivers license weight. :)  I am so excited to see a number that doesn't start with a 2...it feels like I won the lottery!

So that was a few weeks ago, and seeing that number really got me pumped up for the last couple weeks of my 90 day challenge.  Final weigh-in was May 11th and I was really focused on winning!! :)  I really tried to be as perfect as possible with the eating and water (TONS of water!) and I also stepped up my workouts a bit.  With Jami and Aaron's encouragement I did a few new things in that department.  We did another 5K run (this time in 40:50!! Woo hoo!! Can't wait for a sub 40;) as well as some treadmill runs on my own.  Aaron took me out one session for some crossfit type stuff...I got to push/pull the prowler for the first time AND flip tires for the first time!  Along with some hill runs (UGH!) and some box jumps (onto the tire!! Woot woot!!) it was an AWESOME workout!!  Finally, in last week of the competition Jami and I jogged over to the local high school to run bleachers.

Let me just say that even the stairmill is a challenge for me...I don't know why but stairs are just really hard for me.  I was really excited to run the bleachers, but I quickly learned that I was totally unprepared for their difficulty.  We started off and I was pretty strong at first, but just a couple flights later I was winded and so short of breath.  At one point I even started to panic a little because I felt like I just couldn't breath.  Jami is so incredibly supportive and kind.  I was struggling but she was totally encouraging.  We got the breathing under control and pushed on.  A little while later (we would do the bleachers through down one direction, then run the track, do some stretchy/lungey stuff on the field, then start bleachers again) we were about halfway through the bleachers the second time I started to get into my head.  My legs were aching and my breathing was so labored...I just started to go to that bad place I do when things get really rough.  When I struggle, I find that there is a fine line between feeling that crazy motivation (yeah! I can do this!  I'm gonna kick ass!!) and the place where I just totally start to beat myself up.  I start getting pissed off at myself...I start thinking "well, here you are, you wouldn't even have to be doing this right now if you hadn't let yourself get so fat!!" and "of course you can't breath, look at you! You can't do this!!".  All that nasty mean crap that I used to hear in my head all the time.  It just really started to get to me.  I'm not going to lie, I had a little mini-breakdown.  Coming down the stairs I just started to cry...I couldn't help it.  And God love Jami, that sweet girl, my friend, she put her arm around me and just let me.  We had a little talk and I got it out, let it pass and you know what?  I felt better.  I think that that workout was just so new and so challenging...it was just so hard for me, you know?  And I just had to work through that to get past it and move on.  It's been a long time since I have felt defeated or so emotional in a workout...this was just a reminder of where I came from and how far I've come.  I'm glad it happened because I feel like now I am even more capable and more ready for even harder challenges...I am excited to get better at these things...to face them instead of fear them.  It really had little to do with the physical challenge of the bleachers and all to do with the mental journey this has been and continues to be.  I am proud that with Jami's help I got past it, continued the workout, and even did the bleachers through one more time  (albeit pretty slow haha:).

So....yesterday was the big weigh-in.  I had been so excited/anxious/pumped/nervous/lots of other emotions about the whole thing so I was ecstatic that the day was finally here.  My ultimate goal when I started was (well, to win, but otherwise...) to get under 200 pounds.  I am SO proud and excited and happy to tell you that I weighed in at 191.4.  That, my friends, is a 35.2 pound, 15.5% weight loss in 90 days.  It's so funny because for a week or two I was stuck right at 30 give or take a pound, but Aaron kept telling me, it's going to be 35.  I kept telling him not to hold his breath because I didn't want him to be disappointed!!  But lo and behold, he was right.  I don't know yet if I won the contest or not, we should find out in a day or two hopefully (I can't wait to find out!!!!), but either way I am SO happy with my results.  Jami took before and after pictures and I really was shocked at the differences.  When you look at yourself every day in the mirror, it's harder to tell differences but looking at 2 pictures side by side, 90 days apart, the changes stand out.  Here they are:

 

 

 

So that's the last couple weeks.  I'm going to really try to post more often as I've obviously been slacking pretty good on the blog front.  I am going to be shifting my focus the next few weeks to working on my running as I have a couple 5K's coming up in June and July and I REALLY want to be running under 40 minutes by then (what can I say, I'm a slow runner!).  I also will be concentrating on my September goal of 161 (although that is so far away, I may make another mini-goal for before then!). 

Sorry this turned into a book...I guess that's what happens when I don't write for a month!  Lots more I want to post about but I'll save it for another day.  Hope everyone has a fantastic week! :)

Happy Weekend Friends!

So the hubby just headed out with Ian for a bit, and the baby is actually content in his swing for the moment so I thought I would try a quick update.  This week has been so crazy...I've been meaning to get on and post but the days have just flown by this week. 

First, the frustrating.  I am STILL sitting at around 202.  Grrrrr!  I feel like my body is absolutely refusing to go under 200.  I have done pretty awesome this week but no dice.  My trainer friends go on vacation on Tuesday and I really really wanted to be under by the time they leave but I don't see it.  I will tell you, if I'm not under 200 by the time they get back I will be a raging lunatic (more than normal haha).  But I am SURE I will be.  I am drinking so much water I am going to float away, I've had some AWESOME workouts and my food has been pretty great.  I know it will happen...hopefully this stall is just a sign of a BIG drop coming....the 90 day has exactly 4 weeks left from today so hopefully in the next couple days my body will realize what it's supposed to be doing here and I'll see the WOOSH in the scale that I've been waiting for. (thanks for the term Desiree' ! :)  I can't be TOO upset about the weight though because....

my clothes are fitting awesome!!!  Yesterday I was so excited...I wore a 14/16 shirt that was totally comfy and not even form fitting and my new size 16 jeans...and they were almost loose!!  I can't even believe it.  So even though my numbers are being stubborn I know I am making progress.  It feels so good to put on an outfit and actually not hate how I look.  Not at all saying that happens every day, but when it does it feel so amazing!

So Monday Jami and I headed outside for my cardio workout.  We ended up trying my first outdoor 5k (at least my first one in a looonnnngggg time LOL) and I did it!!  It took me 42:48 but I did it!  And that is a lot quicker than my normal just over 45 that it takes me on the treadmill.  Having Jami there DEFINITELY saved me because it was rough.  She kept us on a relatively flat route but there were still some small hills and some wind, and it was definitely WAYYY different from my normal 1% incline, set pace run, inside.  And another small victory on that front...I did it without my music!  We both brought headphones in case I needed the push but I ended up not even getting them out.  It was awesome. :)  The first mile I really didn't think I was going to be able to do it but once I got over that hump it was good!  Jami is definitely a wonderful cheerleader...I probably would have just said screw it if she weren't there pushing me.   It made me realize how much I really miss running outside.  The weather is finally starting to be a bit nicer...I'm looking forward to a spring and summer of nice pretty outside runs!

I can't believe I managed to get this down without Luke waking up.  Off to try to get something else accomplished.  Have a great weekend friends!!

If you fail to plan....

Man I can't believe it's taken me so long to post! Sorry I've been MIA, I've just been really busy.  I'm not even sure what to post about tonight, I just felt like it had been too long so I needed to check in.

Things are going alright...still getting back into my groove of eating 'normal' after ending my cleanse and my weight has fluctuated SO much this week it has been frustrating.  Thursday will be a month left to the 90 day and I am SO ready to bust my ass these last few weeks.  I am super motivated and excited to see what I can do this final month.  My plan/goals for the next 4+ weeks:

**  Drink at least a gallon of water a day.  NO SODA until I have had all my water for the day.  Teas count as water also.

**  Do not miss ONE workout.  Unless I have absolutely no option (only possibility is sick kids not allowing me to get to the gym) I will be at every PT, every pilates and every cardio session between now and then.  I am pretty good at this already....unless the boys are sick and I can't take them in to the child center and mom can't watch them I make every session...the only thing I sometimes struggle with is my 5 AM cardio.  That is rough sometimes if it has been a rough night.  But I will get there, even if I have to go later in the day. 

**  Add some two-a-days.  Nothing crazy, but add another cardio session whenever possible.  Even if it's a light elliptical workout after the kids go to bed or a long walk around the neighborhood, I want to add a little more activity.  Maybe lift some light weights or do some extra core stuff at home here and there.  Overall, just be active!  Sit less on the computer during the day...more cleaning and straightening and moving and less bumming around! ;)

**  Tighten up my off day.  I still will allow myself something special on Saturdays but I want to be just a little stricter on my choices. 

**  Meditate and pray about this journey more often.  I find myself thinking too often that God's got me on this, that I don't need to pray about it, I just need to DO it.  But I do need to pray about it....praying is what will HELP me DO it.  Praying is what helps me make the right choices and feel like I am capable of succeeding at this!

** Continue to make healthy, clean eating choices.  Lots of veggies, lots of protein, healthy carbs, etc..  Very limited sweets.  Basically keep on keeping on. ;)

GOAL:

At this point my goal for the next month is to reach at least 189 by the end of the challenge.  That is a big goal, but possible.  I am not under 200 yet but SO close...the fluctuations of the last week have driven me crazy but I know I will get to that goal soon.  I have slacked on my water the last few days as well so I know that is part of it.  I will share when I hit that awesome onederland, but otherwise, I am not going to share my weight until the end of the 90 days.  Knowing that I will get to share my final progress on May 11th gets me motivated, so I'm gonna keep it quiet till then!  There is an awesome FB site I follow (https://www.facebook.com/SunshinesJourney for those curious!) and she did a Biggest Loser 12 week challenge for her job, and hasn't shared her progress the entire time.  Tomorrow is when she is sharing her results and I am SOOO excited for her!  I can't wait to hear how she did and not knowing the whole 12 weeks was fun...so I'm doing the same. ;)  Except it's for 4 or so weeks.  But you catch my drift. ;)

I guess that's all for tonight.  I have cardio with Jami tomorrow and I think we may try to run outside...we'll see how it goes.  I don't do well at all outside, and I especially don't do well without my running music.  Who knows, we may just walk the whole 6 miles, we'll see how tomorrow goes.  Either way, excited to step it up!

Hope everyone has a wonderful week:)

Happy Easter!

Whew.  I feel so much better today I can't even tell you.  I feel like myself again...almost relieved if I'm being honest.  And I'm ready to kick some butt this week!

Today was Easter and we had a great time with family this weekend.  The boys were absolutely adorable if I do say so myself.  Check it out....

 

It was a good day.  Although it was tiring as Luke is crawling so fast and getting into so much we can barely keep up with him!  But it's awesome to see him getting excited about things.  And boy does that boy have a temper!!  When he can't have something that he runs across in his travels he gets MAD.  He's not his mama's boy at all! ;)

Bonus for me, I even managed to take a couple of pics that I don't completely hate.  Here's me and mom...

 

 

 

It's kinda nice to take a pic that I don't immediately delete. LOL.  It was a nice weekend on that front...I even FINALLY got into a spandexy type workout shirt I bought from Target a few months ago that I have been dying to wear but just haven't been able to.  There are pics of that under the 'progress pics' tab at the top of this page.  I was so excited to wear it to pilates Saturday (I'm not ballsy enough yet to wear it for a normal PT session!  Maybe a couple more weeks). 

I took today off from working out to relax a little and I enjoyed it.  But I have to admit I did miss it a little!!  Now that the running has been a little more consistent I'm actually craving it!  AND the weather is getting a little nicer so I am looking forward to getting outside and trying a run there instead of the treadmill.  I've always struggled with running outdoors...time-wise I am always tons slower on the pavement.  So I'm excited to give it a shot.  OH!  And I have these awesome new kicks....

I met a guy at the gym who overheard me talking to Aaron about my hip pain and he told me I should try Brooks Pureflow's.  So I tried some on and I love them!  I heel-strike SO bad and Aaron is always trying to get me to run more on my toes...in other words, run more naturally and less on my heels.  These shoes totally do that for me.  The first day I ran in them I did 4 miles easy in just under an hour and I felt like I could even go longer.  The next day my calves were sooorrrreeeee but that just confirmed that they are doing what they are supposed to.  Love these shoes!

That's it for now.  Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!!!  Happy Easter friends!!

I'm not a quitter...but...

I quit this cleanse.  It has turned into something that, for me, is not healthy.  I love the idea of it and I mostly love the results but it is not worth it to me.  I have always been an all or nothing person, and that has been my downfall in many ways in my life.  It has taken me years to learn that there is a middle ground and it doesn't have to be all or nothing, but I still struggle with that outlook sometimes.  That perspective has been nothing but trouble for me...in the past it's led to binging and restricting and all kinds of other bad things.  With this cleanse, I have done wonderfully for the past 2 weeks.  The other day when I was struggling I managed to stay focused and I didn't even go off plan at all.  But the strictness of it is really messing with my head and I don't like that.  I am tired of the food choices (or lack thereof..which is partly my fault as I am picky and don't care for fish, etc.), and bored with my meal plans.  It's gotten to the point where I only have a few bites of my meal because I'm so bored with it.  So I just stop eating it and go on with my business.  Which is leading into bad habits for me and it's causing me to dislike the healthy food that I was doing so well with before I started this cleanse.  For example, I am so sick of plain salad with grilled chicken that I don't even want to THINK about eating a salad, even WITH a little cheese, a couple croutons and a little dressing...which is what I would have had before for a meal and I would have absolutely been in heaven (and is perfectly fine for me to eat).  It is making me crave things that I haven't even missed since I really started getting healthy on my own the first of the year.  My body is CRAVING food that on this plan, I can't have.  I don't know if it's that my running is trying to burn carbs that I don't have (I've been running 3-4 miles 3x a week now at least!  woo hoo!!) or if I'm getting too much protein but my body is not happy.  I weighed in this morning at 202.8 which is fabulous.  I am really happy with that, but it is not much better than I could do on my own, as I've consistently lost around 2 lbs a week since the beginning of the year.  I measured this morning and I have not lost more than 1-2 inches, which astounds me.  I am totally stumped on that one.  The results aren't even the issue though...it's what's going upstairs that concerns me.

So I had a LONG talk (i.e. therapy session haha) with Jami this morning and we decided to call it quits with this 24 day challenge.  I am SO thankful for her (and Aaron both) because she really helped me talk through things and helped work with me to realize what was the best choice for me, my health and my body.  I am proud that I made it 2 weeks and I will definitely keep using the products because I really do love them!  But foodwise I need to go back to my own healthy habits I was establishing and find that middle ground again.  I was feeling really low thinking about stopping, and being embarrassed that I couldn't make it through, especially knowing I was going to have to come here and post about it, but it is the right thing to do for me.  I want to be clear....this is a great cleanse, a great plan and I am positive that it would be awesome for lots of people out there.  There is nothing wrong with the plan.  And I am really sorry if I have disappointed anyone or let you down.  It's just that for me, with my mindset, longterm goals, and especially my history, it just isn't the right choice for me.  I am proud of the habits I have built since the first of the year and I am looking forward to getting back to that.  I am excited to be excited about healthy food again! :)

This has been a really good (and humbling) learning experience for me.  I'll definitely be using some of the plan's ideas in my own journey going on....like drinking at least a gallon of water a day, eating several small meals (I've never been good at that one!) and having protein with every meal.  I have 41 more days before the final weigh-in for my 90 day challenge, and I'm really pumped to kick it into high gear for these final few weeks.  I feel spiritually, physically and mentally the best I have felt in years and I am so excited for all the possibilities this journey holds!

This isn't going to be pretty...

I am not in a good mood.  I am tired and worn out and hungry.  Well, not really.  I don't even think I'm hungry, I just want some 'good' food.  I want a big huge baked potato with butter and a diet coke and a big piece of cake with buttercream frosting.  Hell, I'd even like to have a string cheese that is in the fridge right now.  Or a jellybean.  I am feeling SO frustrated.

Like an idiot I gave in and weighed myself this morning which is stupid.  I was at 204. Which is awesome!  But I wasn't happy with it.  What is wrong with me that I can't be happy with that?  I guess I have just started to get frustrated with the BORING eating I am doing on this cleanse challenge that I am just irritated with everything.  I was hoping I would hit under 200 Saturday but that sure as hell isn't going to happen.  I am still having wonderful progress I guess, I just was really hoping to hit that number this weekend.  All I can think about today is food and it is driving me insane. 

From the first of the year I had a really good routine going on where I would eat really great all week (small portions, limited carbs and mostly brown, rare treat, lots of veggies, etc.) and then on Saturdays I would have a meal out and have mostly whatever I wanted.  I was having AWESOME progress with that and after this challenge, that's what I will be doing again.  But I think with this challenge I make it 5 or 6 days and then my body is like, ok, give me something good.  Which is what happened last Friday...and now I feel the exact same way today.  I mean, doesn't a body need carbs?  I am seriously hating everything about this right now. 

And when I feel like that I end up hating other things too.  I start to wallow in my circumstances and I get mad at myself for all the old reasons.  I hate that I let myself get like this and I hate that I have to work SO damn hard just to get to where I should've stayed in the first place.  I hate that I walked through the mall today and couldn't have the french fries or the cookie or even a diet coke, and there were tons of other people that could.  And were skinny.  Who knows, maybe they eat healthy most of the time and workout everyday...they probably deserve that damn cookie!  But today they annoy me.  I hate that when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I still have so far to go.  I hate that I have been at this since January of 2011 and I am only down 57 pounds in over 27 damn months.  I hate that I didn't work harder the first 2 years I was on this journey.  I hate that I have to dedicate a huge percentage of my day to concentrating on this path....getting ready to get myself and two kids to the gym, fitting in workouts, getting up at 5 to get there, thinking about what I'm going to eat, avoiding what I'm not supposed to, trying to make sure I get enough water all day (which I also hate).  I hate that I wasn't this person from the start...I am so mad at myself for letting this happen.  I even hate myself right now for being mad at myself.  I have issues.



So I just read over what I just wrote and was tempted to delete it all and just keep this stuff to myself.  But that wouldn't be honest and that's my goal with this whole journey is to be open about it all...the good and the bad.  And this is just a vent, don't worry, I'm not going to cancel my gym membership or binge eat the rest of the night.  I am going to try really really hard to keep on plan today.  I know ultimately tomorrow is a new day.  Here's praying I feel a little more control and a little less frustration in the morning. :)