'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

Thursday, April 24, 2014

It's a Beautiful Life

So I just sat here for an hour writing about all the things that have happened in the last year and deleted it all.  It just didn't seem like it was coming out right.  Too many details.  I need to get right to the point. 

I have gained a lot of weight.  Wednesday morning I was at 242.6.  Nope, you're not reading that wrong.  I am not going to sit here and give you a sob story or make excuses, nor am I beating myself up.  Yes, it makes me sad that I feel like I wasted my entire year last year and all the hard work I did, but nothing is a waste if you learn something from it.  All I can do is move on and chose to step forward in faith that I can refocus and that I will succeed at this journey no matter how long it takes. 

In the last year we have sold our old house and bought a new one.  Over the past several months we have had many issues come about in our new place that have caused major stress and anxiety.  It has cost us tens of thousands of dollars to repair these problems, and to be honest, with the kind of person I am, the mental toll of dealing with all this crap has been the worst part.  We did seek legal advice and I won't get into details other than to say we kind of ended up with the short end of the stick with the whole situation, but I am thankful that we had the capability to make the repairs we needed to make.  We are so blessed to have this roof over our heads and now that we are past this really rough patch I am excited to finally start making it feel like OUR home.

With selling the old place, we did a TON of work making it absolutely perfect for the new owners.  It was a LOT of work LOL.  Then we moved into this house, which I already explained how fun THAT was haha.  I had a really hard time dealing with everything going on.  In December, Jeff and I went on a cruise that should have been one of the absolutely most awesome vacations ever.  But I was just 'off' the whole trip.  My anxiety was through the roof over totally irrational things and long story short, I, in essence, ruined the whole trip for both of us.  When we got home things just got worse and worse until I honestly felt like I was going crazy.  I am not saying that sarcastically or jokingly, I truly felt the grip of insanity....it was what I imagined a mental breakdown would feel like.  I was so obsessed with the most irrational, crazy things and so anxious and worried over truly everything in my life, I could barely function.  It was a huge effort to get out of bed, and I am sure that if it weren't for my boys I would have been in bed every possible minute of the day.  I am SOOO thankful to God for my family and my awesome and wonderful friends because honestly I don't think I could have made it through all that without their support.  That state of mind coupled with the extreme CRAP going on in our new house, I just couldn't take it.  I just wasn't functioning in any kind of healthy way, so my husband and I decided that it was time to seek help.  It has been a couple of months now and I am happy to say I am feeling a million times better.  I am going to be honest here and share that I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (which I have somewhat always suspected) and with that comes the extreme anxiety.  I am taking medication now (wow, this post has gotten a lot more open than I planned it to be LOL.  But hey, I've never been one to hold back ;) ) and feel like I have my life back.  I have also gotten AMAZING support from my church and my pastor who really has helped me get past some issues I was dealing with.  I am so grateful to God for carrying me through this trial in my life, and so thankful for all the people in my life that were there to lift me up when I needed it. 

So here we are my friends.  Given all that, I'm okay that I gained weight.  I am not going to throw a pity party, and while I'm obviously not happy about it (who says, "Yay! I gained 40 pounds!!" haha :) )  I am going to forgive myself and move on.  I am thankful for this life I have been given.  I am thankful for my family and my awesome kids and my amazing friends.  I am thankful for this house.  I am thankful for the freedom I have to sit here and share all this with all of you.  I am thankful that I have another day to step back on this path and refocus on me and my health.  I am not perfect, but I will succeed at this in my own way, in my own time.  And I am thankful.