'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

'You have always had the power, my dear, you have had it all along'

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Exhausted and Funktastic

Tonight I'm exhausted and in kind of a funk.  The last week or two has been rough!  I've had ear infections that have been driving me crazy...not so much the pain but the fact that I am dizzy and everything sounds like it's underwater.  But worse, Jeff was SO sick over the weekend so I didn't have much down time from taking care of the boys.  Luke has been so crazy fussy the last couple of days that it's been really frustrating (I think he's teething again).  On top of getting up at 5am to get cardio in at the gym on my non-PT days, I'm just tired! 

Tonight all I want is a big huge piece of cake with buttercream frosting, some pizza and a big plate of spaghetti.  Not sure why those specific cravings but that's what's on my mind tonight!  I made spaghetti for everyone last night (I was having brown rice, chicken and veggies) and I had a bite of Ian's.  I haven't had white pasta (or baked potatoes!) since the end of last year and I kind of forgot how great it tastes!  Don't get me wrong, I've had a little bit of white rice, and a roll or something like that here and there...I haven't given them up 100% but I've really limited them.  Tonight I had a salad and it was the last thing I wanted.  I know that I am making great progress but man, for some reason this week is really pushing my buttons.

I think part of my problem today is that before the boys went to bed they were snuggled up next to me so I asked Jeff to take a picture.  Ugh!  I hated how I looked in it!  It's so frustrating to have made so much progress and then still not like what you see, or worse yet, feel as if you don't look like you've made any progress at all.  When am I going to take a picture and like what I see?  When will I stop asking Jeff to take it again over and over until I pose JUST the right way that I approve?  So frustrating. 

I'm not giving up, I'm not going to go binge, or anything like that, and I'm still going to the gym in the morning.  I will push past this.  But tonight, I'm going to let myself be a little pissed off.  Tomorrow will be a new day.

Monday, February 25, 2013

The big 5-0!!

Big week!  50 POUNDS ARE GONE FOREVER!!  Weighed in this weekend at 211 and I almost cried.  I didn't think there was any way in hell I was going to reach that goal this week so I was shocked when I stepped on that scale Saturday.  211 even.  I am so close to my Chicago goal I can taste it.  THAT will be a wonderful day.  It will be such a big deal for so many reasons....it will be my lowest weight since I gained all these pounds in the first place, it will be UNDER 200!!!  It will be my drivers license weight, it will have a 1 in front of it.  I can't even believe it's getting so close.  I'm really going to try to hit that goal by the end of March...which would be even more amazing because it would be nearly three months early.  Not getting too excited but it sure would be awesome!

I also was able to run 1.5 miles today!  I meet with Jami on Mondays for cardio, and normally we walk 6 miles, either outside or on the treadmill.  Today in the middle of our walk she had to go take care of something so I decided to put on my headphones and try my mile run again.  I was about 3/4 of a mile in and I felt really good!  I thought I'd try today for 1.25, but when I got there I still felt ok, so I did a little more and when Jami came back I only had .2 left to get to 1.5!  So we chatted (ok, she mostly chatted, I mostly huffed and puffed) and before I knew it I was at a mile and a half!  Which is even more awesome for me because when she came back I had to take my headphones off and I CANNOT run without my music.  But I guess I discovered I can! (at least .2 miles haha) So yay! NSV for me today!

Bad news is my hip is killing me tonight.  I had noticed the last few days whenever I would run any significant distance (significant to me;)  my hip would be a little sore.  Today, it is REALLY sore.  I still have my appointment scheduled with the orthopedic surgeon in a couple weeks, which I was going to either cancel or let my husband go (he has a hip issue too) but I am thinking I may just want to go and make sure nothing is wrong.  If it hurts like this now, I can't imagine how it might feel at 3 or 4 miles. 

Anyway.  I am feeling really thankful tonight for all the support I have along this journey.  I am so blessed to have such great family and friends to help push me and encourage me, and also so many internet friends....an amazing network of online groups/pages/people that are going through the same things I am, experiencing the same struggles and celebrating the same victories.  I feel like God has really shown me this is finally the path I am meant to be on to get my life back.  This is what He wants for me and it is evident by seeing all the amazing wonderful supportive people around me.  So thankful!  We can do this!!! 

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Hopeful!

Sorry I've been MIA...time has gotten away from me!!  And to be honest I've been exhausted.  I've been trying to get to bed a little earlier than normal lately since I've been getting up at 5 a couple times a week, so I haven't had a lot of time to write.  I'd write during the day but the newly-crawling (kinda LOL) baby is making it difficult to accomplish much!

Things have been really good.  I was down a couple more pounds this past weekend...2 more and I'll hit my 50 pounds gone.  SO excited for that I can't even stand it.  Then only 12 pounds after that and I'll be under 200!!!!  AND that will be my Chicago goal hit as well (which was for June 27!).  My friend Desiree' over at http://skinnygeekwithin.blogspot.com/ is doing an amazing job getting healthy and she is almost under 200 as well....she calls it ONEderland.  Isn't that awesome?  I love it!  So, I'm almost in ONEderland and I can't wait!  I can't even imagine what that will be like....I'm pretty sure when I see 199 on the scale I will cry.  Hell, I get emotional thinking about seeing 211.  So exciting:)

The workouts have been awesome and I'm finally getting into the groove.  Aaron and Jami are really turning things up a notch and my body is definitely feeling it.  I am pretty sore most days and tired but it's getting easier and I'm even excited for each workout because I know we'll be doing new things and I'll be accomplishing something else each time.  I've graduated to 'intermediate' chair pilates and some level 3 reformer stuff which is amazing!  Aaron has me doing things in training that I wouldn't think I would be able to do (at least not for another 20-30 pounds or so).  PLUS yesterday AND today I finally reached my mile running!!  I have been struggling so bad getting up to a mile but I finally did it!  I can't wait to increase it bit by bit.  I'll be feeling like a runner again before I know it!

Haven't posted any pics of the kids lately so I thought I'd share a couple tonight.  My little man (almost 9 months!) got his first haircut today (I know he's so young but it was SOOO long!) and then we went to COSI for the afternoon.  It was such a fun day!  Here's my little guy Luke with his new short hair...



Here's my sweetheart Ian being goofy:)



And just for kicks, here's one of me playing on their balance board. What I love about this pic is that my shirt falls straight down...it doesn't get stuck on my belly anymore! (THIS shirt at least! :) I saw this pic and it gives me hope of how much more is possible. :)

Friday, February 15, 2013

You only have to be accountable to yourself...

Happy Valentine's Day!  Well, belated Valentine's Day I guess.  We didn't do anything special since we went out for a nice dinner last weekend, but Jeff did bring me home roses...and a cadbury egg.  Ugh!!! They are my favorite and a huge weakness for me.  (I know, you either love them or hate them...most people I know think they are the grossest thing ever).  I had him put it away until the weekend and I'm going to have it as my treat after weigh in:)  I'm not being as loose as normal on my weigh-in day but I am going to let myself have that!  To top it off, Ian had his preschool Valentine's party today and brought home a TON of yummy treats!  I couldn't believe all the things in his cute little Valentine's box.  I had sent along with his Valentines a little heart shaped egg with candies in it for all his classmates, but most parents did little goody bags with all kinds of candies and treats, and the teacher made adorable heart shaped iced cookies for the kids to take home.  So cute!  And so tempting!  So far so good but man, that candy is calling my name!  But I know this is just the beginning because Easter is around the corner so I've got to stay strong! LOL:)

So I'm almost a week into my challenge and feeling really good.  I have done really well with my food choices and my exercise has been AWESOME.  First time in a long time I've had a hardcore workout 6 days in a row and it felt really great.  I definitely have felt it physically, I've been really tired and sore, but it's wonderful to be back in somewhat of a routine again.  I got on the scale a couple times and it hadn't really budged from Monday but we'll see how the weigh-in goes this weekend.  I think I am getting some kind of cold or bug so that may be part of it, who knows.  Hopefully I'll see some kind of loss this weekend!

My one mistake of the week was to get on the gym's website and look at the leaderboard.  I initially thought there were 35 people total (men and women) signed up, but evidently there were a lot of last minute registrations.  There are 50 women in the challenge.  Fifty!!  When I saw that, to be honest, the first thing I thought was screw this, I'm going to go eat a pizza.  It just seems so unattainable to win when you are up against so many people.  It just got in my head I guess.  So the next day at my session with Aaron I told him about it.  He gave me a pep talk and reminded me that I don't have to (and shouldn't) think about or worry about any of those people....I only have to be accountable to myself.  I don't have to answer to any of them, and I don't need to worry about any of their progress on this journey.  I only have to worry about myself.  And ultimately, while I really really want to win for SO many reasons, the important thing is the change that I am making in myself.  THAT will be the real reward.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

And we're off!!

Day 3 and I am sore as hell.  I know the challenge started so we are stepping it up a bit but wow.  Had pilates after my weigh in Sunday morning and was already feeling it in my arms and abs by that night.  Then yesterday Jami and I decided to do cardio outside since it was somewhat bearable (although the wind was insane!) and ended up walking a very hilly 6.6 miles.  Ugh!  Felt awesome but man am I beat!  This morning was training with Aaron, and then I did a couple miles on the treadmill (just an easy walk).  Training today was great!  We are doing PT now 2x a week, then pilates on the weekend, which was my old schedule with Mandy (when I won the 90 day before heehee:)  so it feels SO awesome to be back in that routine.  It was definitely an overcoming fears kind of day.  First time doing box jumps (and by 'box' at this point I mean the step platform with no raisers...not even a box yet LOL but I'll get there!), and then some new core stuff with the ball and those little platforms on wheels.  Not easy.  But it feels good to be challenging myself and taking it up a notch. 

Weigh-in was great.  I had to try to not let the weight on that scale freak me out because it was a lot higher than I thought it would be.  It's obviously a different scale that I haven't weighed on before so I know it could already be off from what I have at home.  I did have breakfast and some water before I went in (it's the initial kick-off weigh-in, why not right?) and while I normally weigh in at home with nothing on, obviously I was dressed at the gym (now THAT would be weird! haha) so I know that all makes a difference too.  And....like I said, I wasn't too strict on my diet last week.  So at the gym I weighed in at 226.6.  I weighed several times before I left the house, with and without clothes/water and got variations between 218 and 221.  I wanted to have a measure at home so I could see where I was to start... SOOO that's where I am for the beginning of the contest!  This morning I was at 215.8.  The last couple of days I've been crazy strict with my food and drank lots and lots of water so I'm not surprised to be shedding some water weight.  I will probably weigh myself a little more often during these 90 days just to try to keep focused and stay on track.  I'm so excited for this competition.  I had Jami take new pics of me so I could see my exact starting point...I know my pics in 3 months from now will look so different!  Very excited to push myself.  Feels good to finally be in control of something! 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Less Quit, More Fit

So this is it folks!  Tomorrow starts my 90 day challenge.  So excited!  I meet Jami at the gym at 7:30 to weigh in and off we go!  I am so ready for this.  My pastor recently did a series of teachings on Nehemiah...long story short, he was an ordinary man who became the cupbearer (high ranking officer) to the Persian King.  He was also a man of God and was worried about the fate of Jerusalem.  Nehemiah ended up leaving his safe and secure position in Persia to go motivate and help his people rebuild the wall around Jerusalem that had been destroyed.  The first thing Nehemiah did was pray to God, and the next thing he did was trust...then he took action.  And that wall was rebuilt in 52 days.  4.5 miles long, 26 feet high built by nothing but their own two hands.  Less than 2 months!  With God all things are possible...Nehemiah knew that, and so do I!  In 52 days that wall was rebuilt.  I can't WAIT to see what change and rebuilding can happen in me in 90! 


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Hardcore!!!

Two pounds down last week!  So pumped.  Currently at 216.4....only 16.5 pounds to hit my Chicago goal, and that is not until June 27th!  I definitely think I'll be able to knock that one out pretty good. 

Pretty excited this week...my 90 day challenge starts on Sunday!!!  I weigh in Sunday morning and weigh out on May 11th.  I'm anxious but SOOOO pumped up...I really want to kick this competition's ass!  I'm going to be honest...I am definitely NOT being very strict on my eating this week (it hasn't been pretty) but only because I am buckling down like crazy after this challenge starts and after Sunday I'll be super strict for quite awhile.  I'm not going crazy this week or anything, but I'm definitely not eating 'clean' like I have been and I've snacked a little more than I would normally.  I'm not going to weigh in this week...I will weigh at the gym for the 90 days but as for my own tracking I will just skip this week.  I'll be back to official weigh in's next weekend, I promise!  I just wanted to give myself a little boost for the initial weigh in.  Probably doesn't make sense to most but it makes sense in my head LOL:)

I met with Jami and Aaron last weekend to get a game plan for the competition.  I have a detailed schedule of workouts that I will follow for the next three months starting Sunday....

Sunday: pilates with Jami, light cardio
Monday: cardio with Jami
Tuesday: PT with Aaron
Wednesday: cardio, foam roll
Thursday: PT with Aaron
Friday: cardio, foam roll
Saturday: REST, foam roll

A couple days after PT I will do some light cardio too just as a bonus but that is the basic plan.  Eating wise I am going to keep doing what I'm doing but tighten up on Saturdays which I have been using as a looser eating day.  Also, I'm going to TRY to skip the dessert at my in-laws on Sundays.  At least the majority of the time;)  And the pop.  Ohhhh my diet coke.  Here's an idea I had...I am thinking of totally giving up pop for the challenge.  Every cell in my being begs against that decision but I am feeling led to give it up.  I'm going to try to approach it like a spiritual fast...I will need strength from God for this challenge...to stick with it and to stay focused, and I feel like completely giving up my pop will help me to lean on Him in prayer during those challenging times.  I haven't decided 100% but I am going to pray about it and decide by Sunday.  I know it's not healthy for me to drink so much of it, and water is always SOOO much better, so I know it's a good decision all the way around, it's just really hard!!  So we'll see!

I want to say that I am NOT fooling myself into thinking I will do perfectly on this, I will not do everything right and I am sure I will have things that I probably shouldn't.  There will be days I won't get my cardio in, and days that I won't have as much water as I should.  I am also not saying that this plan is something I will do until I lose all my weight...I know it is a little overly strict and challenging...I am just trying to stick to this for the competition.  I am trying to approach this challenge hardcore....I am in it to win it!!!  90 days to a healthier me! :)